Miss ReindeerSo I got into a huge fight with my mother the other day regarding my SO. I can't even remember how it began, but she basically expressed to me that if I met somebody else "intriguing," she wouldn't want me to miss out because of my boyfriend. She reassured me that she likes my boyfriend, but she doesn't want me making the same mistake she did with my dad.
In a nutshell, my dad was my mom's first love and they got married, which naturally progressed into a divorce after twentysome years together (seventeen of those as husband and wife). It was an awful divorce and still affects me to this day. Suffice it to say it's my life goal NOT to get divorced, especially if there are children involved in the future.
If and when I do get married, I want to know (as much as I can) that it's forever. I know I can't promise it to myself because sometimes divorce, as in the case of my parents, is the only viable option. But I know that I'll never rush into marriage, which is what I think my mother suspects.
I got extremely upset because while my boyfriend is my first "serious" relationship, I have dated many other guys. It just never got to a point where I was serious about them. I don't think I'm making a mistake by being in a serious relationship at 23 years old. We're not engaged or anything - we're just in a committed relationship.
I know she only wants the best for me, but it was hard to hear coming from my mother. I feel like she doesn't support my relationship and that hurts me because I really value her opinion. Have you ever had an argument like this with your parents about your SO? What was their issue and how did you respond?
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It is absolutely normal for parents to try to protect their children from making the same mistakes they made. It is also absolutely the hardest thing for a parent to allow their children to make the same mistakes and learn on their own. Just let your mom know you appreciate that she is trying to protect you, but that you feel you are mature enough and smart enough to make your own life decisions and that you understand there will be good decisions and bad decisions and you'll learn along the way. I had this conversation with my mom when I was *35* years old - so it really never ends!
nope. but you gave me jitters. i was my ex's first love. would that mean we really don't have a chance to make it work jst bec we are each other's first?
if you were my ex, would you regret having "crossed the bounds" with me,your first ever and serious love?
just a question.
she's adamant about not giving it a try again, but im really worried about letting her go..
She's not attacking you. She's just worried. All you can do is reassure her that you will be careful.
My mom is the same way! Whenever I get into a relationship with someone, she always thinks I'm making a mistake by missing out on whoever else might be out there. And then when I'm single & somewhat interested in someone, she's constantly saying to "keep your options open." And I think it's because she doesn't want me to get married to someone and end up just being roommates with them.
Personally, I don't think she is attacking or giving disapproval to your relationship. She's just cautious because I think the divorce affected her and her perspective on love/relationships.
As a child, I grew up with this one friend, and I knew her mom well enough, but her mom got married at a young age and got divorced after.
Whenever I visited, my friend's mom would ask how my family is doing. I remember once when she asked if my oldest brother was still with his girlfriend (which they have been for like.. 6 or so years at the time and they're each other's first love). Then, she just said to me that.. she thought they should date more people to know if they were right for each other, instead of sticking to one person for so long. I know that my friend's mom said that partially due to her past with the divorce.
Your situation just reminds me of that. I don't think she disapproves so don't worry :)
Your mom is just worried and wanted you to "make sure" you test the water before you actually give in and settle down with your significant other. Just reassure your mom that you do understand where she is coming from but you also feel that at 23, you can make your choice to be in a committed relationship for right now and possibly forever if the relationship does work. And if other opportunities come by, well, that will be your choice to go after them or not.
My parents and a lot of other people didn't support my husband and my relationship. Maybe because the fact that we didn't share the same religious beliefs. They would always tell me that I can find another guy who share the same beliefs as I do and blah, blah, blah. But still, we made it work and we've been together for six years now. My parents eventually came around to accept it and they love my husband now. Though I had other opportunities that came my way, I chose to be with my husband instead. :)
it definitely sounds like she disapproves of your boyfriend at least a little by making that statement
do what you want.
AHHH!!!!! YOUR FAMILY SOUNDS LIKE MINE!! D:
My mom and my aunt always told me to keep my eyes open even when I was still with my boyfriend. I ignored them and ended up with my second boyfriend, second serious relationship. I think the most important thing you have to remember is that it's your life. :) People make mistakes and it doesn't only include your mom. My mom stuck with her first boyfriend who is my dad and he had done pretty horrible stuff... Couples break up for reasons, etc but it doesn't mean life doesn't go on.
Your mom did the same thing to you dad that mine did, I bet. Did she eventually run off with the "first love" guy? Sorry to hear that.
If you love your boyfriend and he loves you, ignore the rest :)
I've never argued over something like that with my mother, though I have argued over whom should make a lot of the moves in a relationship. She thinks if anyone is traveling to be with the other, if they're a little bit apart, that the man should be the one to move no matter what the circumstances are, and all of that jazz. That's the main area that her and I disagree entirely.
Twenty-three isn't a bad age to be in a serious, committed relationship. There are many people who've already got numerous children by that age. You're just in a serious relationship, so she has nothing to worry about. I mean.. what does she want you to do, play around with numerous guys until you're around the age of thirty?
I don't think talking to her about it would do very much good, if you two have argued about it.. you've obviously already tried talking to her about it.
@Angelina_Everlong@xanga - No, my dad was her first love as my SO is mine. I think she regrets not seriously dating other guys (but obviously not a BIG regret since she loves my brother and me). She just wants me to have every opportunity that comes my way and I reassured her that I'm doing what I think is best for me.
My parents got divorced because they grew apart. Knowing them now, I wonder how they ever got married to begin with, but they were different people then I suppose.
@pillowpixies@xanga - I don't think she wants me to "play around," but she just wants to make sure I'm making the right decisions.
She just has my best interests at heart. I understand where she's coming from, but I want her to understand my position too. I think she will eventually.
Tell her you have to make ur mistakes for urself, or u might resent her for making them for you
My mother constantly tells me I shouldn't get married. She lived a hard life being married but she stayed married because she doesn't believe in divorce. I believe she stayed with my father because of me--her child. Otherwise, I do think she would have asked for a divorce. My father is another matter... I even have issues with him and he would have a very hard time without my mother or myself in his life. We love each other but some days it's just hard... and the same goes for my parents' marriage.
23 years old is not too young to be in a committed relationship. I actually think you are very smart about it. I commend you for it.
My current boyfriend is a divorcee with two children. He is also 12 years older than me. He got divorced because his ex-wife cheated.... I already told him that, like you said, I don't believe in divorce... I don't condone it but I just know that it's not something I would do. I think he finds comfort in that... and the fact that I'm honest with him. It also helps that I'm a horrible liar so I'd rather tell the truth than try to remember lies... so needless to say, I am against cheating and I would never (and could never) do that.
Rock on girl! Best of luck! :)
P.S. Your Mom just loves you and she's looking out for you. She's got hurts of her own and wouldn't want to see you go through the same. However, that doesn't mean that the same things she went through applies to you. :)
Yeah, my parents don't like my boyfriend much. :/ Especially my mom. I think my dad thinks I can do better, but because I am committed to one guy, I won't always be checking out other guys. Haha
My mom never fails to bring up "just think about the other guys you are missing in life" and you should "broaden your choice of guys instead of being limited to one". And we usually fight afterwards. It's really hurtful, not to mention annoying because she doesn't see how deep my relationship is with my boyfriend. So we usually argue but never get anywhere.
My mom seems to dislike the fact that I'm still a virgin and don't want to have my first kiss, etc. etc. She also thinks I only ever like losers and fat guys.
never had an SO, but I know my mom wants me to date around - my mom has a similar story to yours, except mine met my dad when she was 18 and dated him the whole time.
My response is to date as many people as possible, ahha.
i think she's just scared for you. and in a way she might still be traumatize with what happened to her... she knows how much it hurts, and she didn't want the same thing to happen to you. Just talk to her about it and about how you feel :)
Your mom just doesn't want you to have to go through the pain she did. I think she just cares about you.
If this guy is 'the one' and you know that, then that's your decision. At 23 I think you're definitely allowed to have a serious relationship.
hehe my dad doesn't even want me to date anyone.
You gotta make your own experience. That can and will include mistakes, even if others have made them before.
But as said above, she's just worrying about you and doesn't want you to make a mistake that lets you go down the same road that she had to use.
i think she is just worried. If you are sure about yourself, u dun need to be mad, u just need to take her comments and think about what she she says thats all.:)
Most mom's hope that their daughter gets a better deal of course, no one wants to short change their children in any way.
Haha, I know what you mean. All my family members and their friends do not support my relationship with my SO. They kept on telling there's more fish out there, there are more people out there, I shouldn't get too serious about this, etc etc etc
my mom does the same thing
and my parents have pretty much the same story as your parents... ugh
I just deal with it by listening to her...
but it does it annoying
b/c now I'm so unsure about my long time bf since he was my first serious r/ship
*sigh*
what can we do?
our mothers just really do not want us to end up in the same situation