Thursday, 05 March 2009

• Dating and Relating: Are We Victims of Our Environment?

  To preface: 16 months ago, I accepted a minimum two year contract that uprooted me from SoCal to the northern Kentucky (Greater Cincinnati) area.  This, in and of itself is a dramatic lifestyle change.  The following is less of a dramatic statement than it is an opinionated observation in an attempt to comprehend my surroundings.

  I am a 30-year-old single male, never been married, no kids.  Not particularly uncommon back home, but seemingly the minority where I am now.  On the other side of the gender coin, it would appear even less likely that a woman would fit the single, never been married, no kids criteria.  I would venture to say that if I were to meet someone who fits this bill, I'd have to beg to question what might be wrong with her.  All the women I know out here around my age are either married, have kids, or both.  This presents a great limitation on prospective dating candidates. 

  So far, the majority of people I have encountered, through work or socially, "settle down" or procreate at what I might consider a very young age.  Some don't seem to wait to get out of high school before taking one leap or the other.  One might argue that the mentality regarding abortion out here is influenced by political preference, but abortion is legal here and I think the idea that nobody else that a person knows gets an abortion, so they shouldn't either.  After all, if your friends all have kids, why not you too? 

  I have made some friends here, gaining quite a bit of insight as to how things seem to pan out.  There seems to be a general consensus - they are not happy.  Stats aside, I personally feel that it's a safe assumption that getting married in your early to mid-twenties (if not your teens), is far too early and presents several complications you may face before you are 30.  One would be maturity.  Let's face it, people change.  It's a fact of life that there is a great deal of growth in your twenties.  Your likes, dislikes, hobbies - even personalities tend to have some adjustments.  Therefore, if one gets married at 24, you may know your match at the time and they you, everything is grand and dandy, but at 27, lo and behold, you are two very different people with different priorities and intentions.  At such a point, the revelation may come that over the next 60 years, you may not fall back in line again, let alone really know who it is you are married to.  What a thought.

  What are your options at this point?  There's a good chance you already have children.  That in itself places great restraint on what your next step is. I can't rationalize what reasons lie behind what acquaintances do, but I do know a few people a little better than the rest and it seems there is this feeling of failure if they get a divorce.  I personally wouldn't know - I remain single.

  And there are other options...cheating being the likely of them all.  I've noticed so much unhappiness here and regardless of shame and discomfort these individuals feel, they cheat with people they fit better with than their spouses.  I know from one friend that her dissatisfaction comes in the opinion that most men out here are the same and "decent" guys are hard to find.  That was, until she worked for a company that had an office in California and she was afforded the opportunity to meet what she refers to as "California guys".  Everyone seems to have their reasons for doing or not doing certain things, thus respectfully, I refrain from judging her on not filing for a divorce.  She has her own reasons.  In time I am confident she will follow through. 
  

  I don't want to imagine what I might do had I taken a plunge into such a huge commitment before I realized I wasn't ready for it.  I have never cheated myself, but I suspect a great deal of mental and emotional despair led some people to do it.  Perhaps that meant they were vulnerable; I can't honestly say.  Case in point, my friend has not taken it upon her to have multiple partners or repeat scenarios, but was weak in the knees for one guy who, had things been different, might be more of an ideal candidate.  The rest, I don't quite understand, the frequent one night stands, the constant partner on the side, etc. 

  I haven't precisely lost faith in the idea of matrimony, although spending an extended period of time in a location which provides few options to mingle within my preference span; I do feel some level of discontent.  It's saddening to be exposed to this alternate reality, wondering how exactly it is that people sacrifice their happiness before they are able to judge what that happiness may be.

  I suppose that I, too, am a victim (per se) of my environment, accustomed to the mentality of not settling down until around 30 (given the preface, it's obvious things are slow there).  That environment could be attributed to having been raised in L.A., could be my circle of friends, could be family, but for this observation, I am sticking with geographic area (which is left open to interpretation and great argument).  The female friends I've had over the years shared a sentiment of finishing college, panning out a career and placing matrimony on the back burner.  Something to the effect of not settling down until close to 30, when it's just right in their lives, they've established themselves and are sure to not wait until it's too late.
  

  For some, a sentiment had been to marry a guy when the time comes, if he met their expectations and a sustained relationship had lasted for several years.  Whether it was 2, 3 or 8 years, nearing 30 was when it would happen.  Now, it is safe to respect the fact that not all share the same sentiments I do or my peers back home, even if all background and personality traits match, this is merely an observation I have made about myself and the environment I was raised, confined and broad.

  As a question is standard, I ask, do believe in the notion that we are victims of our environment?

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