Thursday, 05 March 2009
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Had Your Trust Broken By An Ex? How Do You Get It Back?
I am miserably terrible at relationships. I'm not trying to hide it. So far in my 23 years on this earth, I've been in three; I dated my high school sweetheart, J, for 5+ years, and when it was time for that relationship to end, I was single for nearly a year before I started dating D. That relationship was mostly, if not entirely, about sex, and it ended really, really badly.
Immediately following, I started a long-distance thing with A, and we are still dating. He's in DC and I'm here in NYC, and we are really trying hard to make it work. We broke up once in January (a couple days before his birthday, oops), but one grand romantic gesture and several long walks in Central Park later, we are giving it another go. The hardest part for me? Trusting him.After D and I broke up, when I moved away from my college town to start a post-grad internship in Birmingham, we continued talking, texting and, yes, sexting. We did this for up to a month and a half after the official breakup; then I found out that the entire time he had been communicating with me, telling me how much he missed me, and making tentative plans to get together in the future, he was talking to/starting to date someone else. We had a huge fight over AIM and I ended it once and for all. Or so I thought.
The relationship ended, but its effects on me did not. Now every time A neglects to text me back, or when I call and he doesn't pick up, or when he says he has to work late night after night, I question before I believe. Why didn't he text me back immediately or pick up when I called him? Is he with someone he shouldn't be with? Doing something he shouldn't be doing? Maybe he's having an affair with someone he works with.
Of course, all these tiny scenarios are ridiculous and paranoid and a little disturbing, but I was being upfront when I said I was terrible at relationships. He has never done anything (not really, anyway) to make me doubt or question his loyalty to me. So why do I keep doing this to myself?
My question for you is this: Can you really ever move past the detrimental effects of past bad relationships? If you've had your trust broken once, how do you get it back? It's not fair for me to punish A for the bad deeds D did. But can I really help it? How do you move on completely when your heart remembers things your brain tries not to?
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- From: mcblaloc@healthkicker
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Comments (28)
Yeah. Suck it up and move on.
You just have to ignore those fears when they come up. And it's not exactly the same. You said that you and D had already broken up but were still talking when he was starting to date again. That was only natural. I don't think any man would feel a need to be faithful to a girl he'd already broken up with who was miles away. Your relationship with A is different. He's committed to you.
So try to ignore those feelings of jealousy. If sometimes you just half to know, tell him that you're having a bad day or whatever, and that you know you have no reason not to trust him, but ask him to humor you anyhow. If he's not doing anything wrong, he really shouldn't have any problem giving you his cell phone to look at old texts or whatever.
You can move past them, it just takes time.
It took years of working through issues on my own and a year of therapy and medication for me to work out the majority of issues of my past serious relationship. The trust issues will dissipate as you repair yourself.
If you're blaming a current SO for things that a past SO did, you aren't ready for a relationship again yet. It's the truth, as much as you might not want to hear it.
This just means that you're not fully over him yet. You shouldn't let that first guy mess you up like this. You should be able to trust A because he havent done anything wrong towards you. You shouldn't punish him for what D did. You shouldn't let D affect you like this, but more like let him be the reason that you learn. Make him lessons learn. Relationships hurt when they break, but you can't let it affect you. If I did, where would I be now? I had a guy broke up with me on valentines, another because of my asthma, another for just because... and etc etc... it hurted like hell, and I let it affect me for a long while, but it gets tiring. Just let it go. I know it's easier said then done, but you just gotta try, Try to trust A more. Trust him that he won't screw you over. Because if he did, then all you have to do is just know that it's time for you to ditch him if he screws you over. :)
How long were you "single" before you started a relationship with A? Since you said "immediately following," you started dating A.
If you rushed into that relationship with A, there still might be some pain and bitter feelings from your past relationship that you needed to heal and confront with before you hopped into a relationship instead of dragging it with you into the relationship.
Aside from that, it's definitely hard to trust someone again when someone broke your trust. But you also have to remember that not all guys are the same. Unless he gave you a reason to suspect or doubt him then you have every reason to question his trust. If not, you just have to find a way to deal with it and learn how to trust him little by little.
Being overly concern and questioning him if he's really doing what he says that he is, might be a deal breaker for the relationship as well. Though he should try to understand where you are coming from, you should also give him the benefit of the doubt and learn how to trust him or anyone else if you're going to be in a relationship with them.
If you can't, maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone justyet until you're ready to trust someone again.
It'll definitely take some time and the best way I would go at it is to get to know the person for a while until I hop in a relationship with them.
i believe everyone has or had lost their trust with an ex..but that doesnt mean you shouldnt take it out on the new guy..its someone new not the same guy you was with before..
ive always had that problem until i met the guy im with now..he always told me give that person a chance dont base it upon the past..give them a "trust card" and if they break it then dont trust them ever again..
i hope you feel better..
I went through this same thing and I have lots to say on the issue, most of which I don't want to post all over the internet. The best quickfix that I found was to talk to new bf about it so that he can me extra sensitive to your needs while you work out the bigger problem.
Can you really ever move past the detrimental effects of past bad relationships?
Yes, you can move past what's in the past.
If you've had your trust broken once, how do you get it back?
Trust builds over time, so don't rush into a relationship. Get to know the other person first.
It's not
fair for me to punish A for the bad deeds D did. But can I really help
it?
Yes. Not all guys are the same.
How do you move on completely when your heart remembers things your
brain tries not to?
Remember the bad memories and how it led you to the state you are in right now. Learn from it, accept it, and focus on the good you have now.
This is a prime example of why I always say people shouldn't be in a relationship if they're still not over their previous one.
I don't think you're really over D, yet. At least, I don't think you ever got proper closure. Ending it over AIM is kind of...less personal, even if it was emotional. At least, it would be for me; you might be different. If you continue questioning A every time something "suspicious" occurs, you're going to end up paranoid, and that distrust could offend your SO. Really, he has done nothing wrong, except maybe not return your calls a few times if that counts, but that's normal. You can try discussing why you're not letting D's actions off the hook with a close friend or family member, or you could just put the past in its place. Your happy relationship shouldn't be ruined by something that once was. Good luck!
Its your insecurity that holds you behind and it happened to me before, I was dating a new guy but the old pass still haunted me. Only time can heal a broken heart and I would suggest you to find some self help book for insecurity. I would also suggest you not to see A anymore. I believe that if a person really misses you and cares about you, no matter how busy he is, he will find time to text you or call you. Move on, boost up your confidence, and your Mr right will find you.
QUESTION IS
How can we ever earn trust period after the bond is broken..
From anyone?
if they break my trust, i'm gone. i can never trust them again. i never forget, and i'm not so hot at forgiving either; i'm doing him and myself a favor (mostly myself though).
@jeezshoua@xanga - Those are some very insightful observations and I agree entirely.
Your experiences affect how you define men, and how you define men determines how you will interact with them in relationships [which in turn will shape and redefine future experiences/relationships].
A residual part of you, as a result of your experiences with D, defines men as being sexually motivated creatures and incapable of fidelity. This causes you to respond with mistrust and suspicion towards potential partners. Ultimately you cannot expect fidelity from your partner while contradicting this expectation with a belief that he is incapable of being loyal.
You need to re-evaluate how you define men. You need to accept that D betrayed you [though forgiveness is optional], but acknowledge that he betrayed you as an individual and not as a species.
Not all guys are like that.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Although, I was in a similar experience very, very recently.
Trust can take a lifetime to earn, but only a second to lose.
it's hard, i've experienced the same problems, i just remind myself that my current bf is a good guy and wouldn't intentionally hurt me
it's unfair to your current bf, why does he have to take/deal with all the crap that your ex caused you?
in time you should realize that A is not the same person as D.
and if you still dont trust him, ask yourself, why?
and dont blame D for why you dont trust A, most of the reason is because of you and what you are afraid to see in A.
i understand where you're coming from.
and im working on learning to trust my new bf also.
good luck!
Hon, I feel you. Sometimes, instincts are your best bets though. -_- I should've followed mine, but I was too stupid and blind.
Anyway, that's a biased view.
It's all in your head. To think of it rationally, you have no reason to not trust your current boyfriend just because your ex-boyfriend betrayed you. These are two completely different relationships with two completely different men. To drag your old baggage into a new relationship and let it affect your feeling for your boyfriend, well, that's just unnecessary.
You just have to try to move past it. If you feel comfortable enough, you might want to talk to A and tell him about your past relationship and how it has made you paranoid. And then mention that it upsets you when little things like that happen.
However, you do sound a bit on the paranoid side, and I think the best thing to do may just be to ignore it. I had the same kind of problem with my boyfriend, except I was dead scared he would leave me for his ex. After many talks, he not only reassured me that he realized that relationship was in the past, but also that he was a very strong believer in monogamy, and would never cheat, as he knew how it felt.
It may just take time.
it takes a lot of time...
for me, my current boyfriend is still helping me mend my walls and wounds and insecurities from all the crap that my past relationship has done to me.
you do become smarter and stronger after being with a player. you know what to look for, and sure it may seem like paranoia, but it really is better to be safe than sorry. your trust is now harder to earn, and your heart is much better guarded. so it's not really a bad thing. men will now have to work much much harder to gain that trust. but don't be discouraged, it's not impossible. if the SO is truly trustworthy, your trust in him will come around sooner or later.
& ultimately, the only person who can make you become confident and trusting again is yourself. no one else can do it for you.
I've had my share of dating pathetic jerks. My ex fiance was verbally and physically abusive. I never thought he would ever treat me the way he did. After we broke up I stayed single for 2 years...building up a strong wall an not allowing any guy to have my heart again. Then I met my ex boyfriend. We dated for a couple of months but then I had to break up with him. I had a lot of baggage I needed to let go and heal from to fully trust him. And he stood by my side assuring me that he wasn't going anywhere.
The thing is...you really don't know if the next guy will hurt you, cheat on you, or abuse you...etc. You have to be willing to take that risk. If you don't have trust in a relationship...the relationship will fail.
Don't be afraid to take that jump.
i find it really hard to trust someone cos i had my trust broken so many times with many guys really. So indeed, i am very needy, clingy and i need the guy to need me a lot which is really a bad thing. Yep.
I hope that some day i can find someone i trust. I actually have to check the guy right left centre up and down before i really trust the guy and honestly, i stll cant trust completely.
Don't let it be all you focus on. If A is a jerk, it will rear it's ugly head sooner or later. Don't dwell on it and let it ruin your life.