Thursday, 05 March 2009
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We Broke Up But He Doesn't Know What He Wants
I was dating a guy for about six months. He's my first love, and we have all of these plans for the future. A lot of drama has been going on, and I keep hearing rumors about his flirting with other girls (this all started about a month ago when he got this new job, where there are ALWAYS girls around). I didn't believe them, but everything just got to me. How could it not? I made the mistake by asking him about this stuff every time I heard something.
Saturday night, I guess when I heard it from my cousin, and I mentioned it to him, he broke. And he broke up with me. In a text? Lame. I cried all weekend long. I've never felt so hurt in my life. I don't think this is fair to me. He's letting these stupid little girls completely ruin our relationship.I told him this, and that by doing this, he's only letting them in. We still talk and he says this "isn't for good" - he just needs to clear his head. My brother's fiancée, my mom and several of my friends told me to just play hard to get. I've done all that I can to keep us together, and I can't do anything more. Now, it's all up to him. He makes the decision and I can't do anything about that. When I don't text him for a while, he will text me out of nowhere saying, "I love you." They tell me that I need to let him miss me and want me back.
Am I doing the right thing by sticking around? I really feel like I'm supposed to be with him for the rest of my life. But I feel like this is just ruining us. And I know that we are stronger than this. We have such a great relationship besides all of this.
Should I just keep trying? What would you do?
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- From: lovelovelove
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Comments (46)
If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were. -Anon
Guy decoding-
"I need a break" generally means that he needs a break to persue other girls.
When he says "I love you" during a break, he's leaving off the part "because I know when I'm done sowing my wild oats and want back into an relationship, you'll be waiting for me".
Some things to think about:
Its called dating because you aren't necessarily meant to be with the first guy you fall in love with.
Six months is generally about the time when you really and truly get to know the person you are dating. The "best behavior" phase wears off and the "real behavior" kicks in.
In a good, solid relationship, people don't generally tell you your partner was flirting with other people.
A girl shouldn't have to wait for a guy to decide she's worth his time.
dont let those little girls get to you.. just act like above it all.. girls flirt w/ my bf all the time and i just let them and then i go over to my bf and give him a big kiss. :) let those girls know that he's urs without nagging on him. he's dating you not them.
@care@momaroo - I totally agree with you!
Fuc' him - I think he's playing you. In my opinion he just wants to mess around with other girls and keep you on the side as the rebound-relationship thing. What a cock-knocker.
It's good that you asked him about the rumours you heard instead of just freaking on him, but if you were asking every night and he wasn't doing anything wrong I can see how he would get annoyed. If you trust him then let it go and don't worry about what others say, and if you don't then I think you know what I'm getting at.
Let him have his space and be honest about how you feel. Playing hard to get is hurtful and confusing if you really are interested in him, but if he thinks he needs a break then let him have it.
i don't usually post on these walls but i felt especially compelled to for this entry.
YOU are the one letting these girls ruin your relationship. do you trust your boyfriend? and no, you cannot reply "i don't trust those girls." you will probably never trust other girls but they are not in the relationship with him...you are. don't forget that or get sidetracked or else you're going to screw things up for him and you.
unless HE has given you explicit reason to question him, trust him. don't trust other people's words. people thrive on drama and by believing this, you're bringing yourself into all the drama. remember: this relationship is YOU and HIM. no one else and no one else matters.
as for all the "advice" you're getting from people, i don't know how old/mature you are, but love is not a game. if you want to play games, your relationship isn't going to last for all those plans you have in the future with him. be honest and have a mature conversation with him about this. tell him that you're really bothered by hearing all of these things and trust him if he says there is nothing to those rumors and he loves you. unless he has a history of lying or whatever, you have no reason NOT to trust him. after that conversation, don't question him again unless you have good reason to (this does not include having other people see him flirt with another girl)
if you can show him that you're not going to let these girls get in the way of your relationship, then things will work out. it sounds like he does love you and the best thing for you to do right now is to clear the air about the situation and then give him his space.
have faith in him. have faith in the strength of your love.
*again, this is based on your and his maturity level as well. i don't know you personally so i'm not sure if your relationship may be ready for this but this is what i would suggest.
I would say move on. Every relationship is a two-way deal. You've done all that you can to save the relationship. What has he done? Is he really fighting to be with you?
Do not settle for being 2nd best. If he's telling you "I love you" yet wants to pursue other girls...he really doesn't love you. He's just keeping you on the sideline because he knows you will always take him back.
The key is...don't play hard to get. Play smart. Do not let your feelings for him interfere with what you know you should do. And that is....move on. When he realized you've moved on...it will be his loss. I went through the same thing a couple of months ago. We broke up in September yet were still exclusively dating. He would always get confused and could never make up his mind about me. So...one day I made it up for him. I cut him out of my life. And now he's trying to come back to me. It's too late...I've already moved on. Not necessarily moved on by dating another guy. But moving on to realize I deserve better than that. If I'm going to be faithful to my boyfriend, I expect him to be the same too.
You're still young...and trust me....your heart will heal. When you find a guy who knows your worth and won't play games with you...he'll definitely be worth fighting for.
@TheLoveMuse@xanga - Well put. :)
@eykim9187@xanga - Well put. I agree entirely.
He already sounds like a prick.
A) He shouldn't be flirting around in the first place when he has a gf. Friendly verbal banter is normal, but flirting? Hm, maybe you should have asked your sources to exactly WHAT constituted as him 'flirting'?
B) And I agree with your family, don't hang around! He'll never appreciate you the way you deserve if you keep lingering and jumping at his every request. Get out there, get a snazzy new hair cut, look hot, and have fun! Enjoy the single life! And when he sees how independent you are, he'll come crawling back!
Seriously. YOU are letting the little girls ruin your relationship. Unless he gave you a reason to expect, be suspicious, or caught in the act, then you have every right to question his trust. But you are "basing" this off from what you "heard" from others. Neither way, it all comes down to the trust issue again. Do you trust him or not? You can't be with him every second of his life to make sure he's not doing any inappropriate behind your back.
Again, why are you waiting for him? Playing hard to get? Making him miss you more in the relationship? I understand these maybe some advices that you got from your family members or friends but why wait for someone when he's not sure if you're worth it?
I wouldn't go back.
You dated him for six months. Can you really tell from those six months that you're going to marry him? I think not. Some cases, it's possible and it's rare.But judging from this post on reflection of your relationship, it definitely needs a lot of work and improvement to get both of you there to say your "I dos."
You definitely want to spend the rest of your life with someone who knows what he wants and needs in his life. Not someone who broke up with you but still send you "I Love You" texts out of the blue when you're not texting him.
He's definitely keeping you close but also leaving his options open in the mean time.
Well, first off. You're letting all those girls get to YOU more than he's letting it get to him. You're the one that keeps bringing it up. I'd get sick of you asking me too.
As for his "I love you" texts, you should ask him what's up with that, and perhaps ask him to stop saying that if you're not together. You need to figure out what he wants, but honestly, it doesn't sound like you should be wasting your time with him.@care@momaroo - have to agree.
ignore him. if he is chasing skirt you'll hear about. if he comes back, kick him to the door. you were only together for 6 months, it may seem long now, but you've got your whole life ahead of you. listen to your family and friends; ignore the random texts and ditch the loser.
@jeezshoua@xanga - He's definitely keeping you close but also leaving his options open in the mean time.
right on
"Let him go." Don't fall into the line he's feeding you. He wants a break. Give it to him.
Don't wait for him. Don't go text message crazy. If He wanted to be with you, he would be with you. He's keeping you as a fallback plan... If you aren't his number 1 (and only) girl...don't settle for anything less from him.
There are other guys out there too. And they might treat you better than you've been treated already.
Good luck, and always remember : You deserve happiness, if the guy isn't making you happy, or treating you right...kick him to the curb. Another fella certainly will treat you right.
-Lar
This really hits home for me, so ill try to give you the best advice possible. I was in this situation with both guys i seriously dated. The first kept me around to hook up with me, while talking to every other attractive girl possible... the second, im not sure why he kept me around but he did, for like 2 months after the break up we talked and talked and he would always say hes "confused and doesnt know what he wants." ive learned that this translates to "im afraid to be without you, i dont want to see you with other people, im going to talk to other people, but i know you love me and you wont talk to anyone else. i know that youre going to be there for me whenever i need you. and i care about you, and i just dont want to hurt your feelings." Saying they're confused also makes things worse for you, when it was me, everytime we would talk id think "ok we're talking things are good and we're going to get back together now." and id ask a million questions like "do you still love me, do you miss me, are we getting back together, do you know what you want yet" i was honestly on edge everyday because i was hanging on so tight and i could not even bear to let go. I couldnt think, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt concentrate on school. all i thought about was if he was talking to anyone else, if he was going to get back with me etc. Until he finally ended it, and then i was not even really sad!! i was... relieved. i didnt need to waste my time worrying about it anymore, it didnt take over my thoughts. and i was happy as can be. i realize there are exceptions to this, everyones different, watever. but never ever think youre an exception until you actually are. basically what it comes down to is: you can hold on tight like i did and have a few weeks, months even years(hope not!!) of worrying, pain, agony, and doing crazy things you normally wouldnt do. OR you can stop calling him/texting him/IMing him/myspace msging him.. watever, and if he does is the one contacting you, ask him to please stop unless he wants to be with you whole-heartedly. After a break up, everyone misses their ex. its natural. so you need to take time for yourself and he does too, to decide whether or not you really do miss them, or if you just thought that because your initial reaction was to cling to them. and as for what i would do.. i DID keep trying, so if i was ever in that situation, i would know better than to keep trying. its not about playing "hard to get." its about not talking to this person because they broke up with you, and breaking up means they do not want to be with you. plain and simple. Maybe you will get back together, who knows, BUT he needs to be the one to initiate it. not you. he made the call, so give him time to decide what he eally wants, and if its not you, youre probably better off anyway. no more worrying about him being unfaithful, no more worrying about him flirting with anyone, and now, you get to flirt with whoever you want!!. i actually posted a blog that might help you here, its on my page somewhere. hope this helped a bit!
http://www.xanga.com/no3y101/685808112/how-to-forget-a-guy-in-10-days/
after going thru something like this with my exboyfriend (actually still going thru it 9 months later, but we've been seeing other people and blah blah blah)
I saw a quote that said "its not up to me anymore, if you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there" and i lived by that, i taped a post it to my phone with that saying so everytime i got the urge to text him or call him, i'd see that and put my phone down.
obviously, it hasn't worked out completely, but i'm much more content with the way things are, don't expect aanything, and if something happens again, then great. but i think "playing hard to get" is the best way. if he wants time "to clear his head" give it to him. but don't hold yourself back waiting on him, go out and do your own thing because i'm sure he's doing his.
good luck. hope things work out for the best.
These girls are definetley winning, but if he is letting them then you should let go and give him some space.
If he really wants to be with you he will come back. You've tried now it's his turn.
How old are you guys? Breaking up with a text message is only ok if you are still 7. Oh wait, that's bad too, 7 year olds should not have cell phones! That's pretty pathetic.
To be blunt, if a guy is saying that he doesn't know what he wants and has dumped you. From experience, what he is really saying is "I don't want to be committed to you, but I like hooking up with you - and anyone else that I feel like."
Don't let him have this power over you. I wouldn't respond to him for a while and if he comes back pleading to be in a relationship with you afterward, then maybe consider getting back together.
He's just a lil effing player that doesn't deserve you at all. Don't waste your time on this weasel, there are plenty of fish in the ocean and you deserve someone better this.
They're right. You just gotta let him come to you. Don't be the first one to always text him and etc etc. Sometimes, you just gotta let him go without talking to you for a few weeks. And hey, don't worry about it. If you guys were really meant to be, then it will be. :)
@care@momaroo - well said!!!!!!
@happy_mia@xanga - i agree 100%. he's using you!! let him go. see him for the player he is, and look for someone more worthwhile. your heart will heal, and you don't want to be constantly suspicious in the future w/him if you did get back together.
I wish I didn't have to say this, but I don't really think he's completely at fault. Maybe he does flirt with them, but he obviously hasn't made advances to ensure that his actions were romantic ones. You said yourself that you made the mistake of asking him about these rumors every time you heard one. Well, yeah, it sort of was a mistake. If you don't think he's trustworthy, why stay with him? You say it's obvious to you that he's the one. Treat him like the one. Give him some credit and relax. After some time, he'll come back around again. Just don't push him away by accusing him of something he probably didn't do (I say he probably didn't do it because he must have been pretty agitated to break up with you). Good luck!
i have to agree with the opinion that you openly admit you asked him about the rumors EVERY time you heard one. personally, i wouldn't stay in a relationship with someone who clearly was expressing a lack of trust in me.
likewise, however, it sounds like, by nature, he's probably flirtatious. this isn't even necessarily on purpose, but if it's not compatible with you, it's not.