Wednesday, 04 March 2009
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His Parents Caught Us and Now We Have To Break Up
My boyfriend and I decided it was time we bring our relationship to the next level, but the problem is that we are both high school students. Now, I know many people lose their virginity in high school...most people do not let it get to them, either - I believe that may be due to how we were brought up, our family background and partly due to race. I'm not trying to be racist in any way, but my boyfriend and I are Asian, so at our age, doing anything involving the opposite sex is considered a "sin".
Now imagine my shock when my boyfriend and I decided to have sex for the first time and his parents caught us. We are not allowed to call, text, talk and basically see each other anymore. I am not allowed to hang around his school, house and usual hangout spots. The same goes for him.I feel horrible about getting caught, but I truly love my boyfriend. He helped me get through my depression and past traumas - I really cannot imagine my life without him and gave thorough thought before going through with it. We prepared ourselves mentally and physically (condoms and birth control).
Now I have a few questions to ask all of you.
Do you believe what my boyfriend and I did was wrong? If so, why? Do you find different races/ethnicities/etc. react to sex differently? Has anyone gone through a similar situation? How did you deal with it?
My boyfriend and I do not plan on breaking up, but we are only allowed to meet twice in four months. I don't know what to do.
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- From: Drowning_In_the_Starrz@xanga
- About Me: I like to read, write, draw, sing, dance; play soccer, basketball; hang out with friends; joke around; laugh, cry; && hell just live my life ;] ♥
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Comments (170)
NO! You definitely didn't do anything wrong.
Love is never wrong. And expressing that love is perfectly normal.
You should definitely stay with him. I'm sure you can make it through this... And while your parents may be disappointed, they can't truly want you to be unhappy.
You didn't do anything wrong per se. I think the parents may be taking it a little too far by forcing you to part, if anything they should just sit down and talk with you guys. But I guess if you have to understand anything, its 'parents house, parents rules." Also the fact that you're underage (? are you ?) gives them an edge. But know that you are not wrong for deciding to take a relationship to the next, more physical, level.
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Also, what attracted me to this was the fact that I was sleeping with a guy friend today and we totally got caught! His mom tried coming in but thankfully the door was locked. She was all "What are you doing....?" but in her voice it was so obvious the gears were rolling. She called her son out 15 minutes later but apparently all she told him was not to lock the door and dont take 15 minutes to come out. But apparently it was obvious in her voice and face that she was pissed. D:
I think if I've gotten anything out of past experiences, its that white families are usually more lenient. I dont know if this is a southern thing? But I notice the parents are usually more willing to 'understant' and 'let it slide'. Even then, its usually my white friends whose parents give them space and let them stay home alone with their girlfriend/boyfriends more often.
With asians I've seen it more like you're case. Its a clean cut, strict and straight no mess we-wont-allow-this type attitude.
And then there are Hispanics. Me. :D
We have the crazy parents who will come in yelling and hitting. If they have a daughter, they will try to beat the boy off, yelling at him and forcefully pulling the daughter away. You can expect a good couple slaps in the face if you're the girl. However if you're the boy the dad wont care so much but the mom will barge in crying about her little boy and calling the girl a whore D:
It sucks that your first time was tainted...I had a very similar experience for my first time and it's something that you will always wish never happened. It won't ever take away from that special moment that you shared with the person you personally chose for that though.
I think that if you felt that you were ready and that your boyfriend was the one, that you guys both were emotionally prepared and you sexually protected yourself then you shouldn't feel guilty.
You do have to keep in mind though that your parents will always try to protect you and do what's best for you and guide you towards the life they want to see you lead.
I think that as long as you live with your parents you need to respect their wishes and first and foremost keep your relationship with them strong...and never forsake that in the name of a high school relationship.
Trust me: I slept with my first love and felt that it would be everlasting and a life lesson I learned the hard way was this: You will fall in love time and time again, however, you only get one mom and one dad and that love is completely unconditional and totally irreplaceable.
When my parents found out (they didn't catch us in the act--thank goodness!) they thought they had failed as parents.
Of course, if the only thing I had done wrong was have sex with the only person I've ever loved, then I guess I'm doin alright haha.
I don't feel you did anything wrong, but I know what you're going through with disappointing your parents, and I'm truly sorry
for me, what you did was wromg. you should have control yourselves not to do that thing. s-e-x is done by the married couple only. your parents, understood them
Yeah, I'm Asian too, and I understand the weirdness that goes with it.
No, you did not do anything wrong (as long as you were being safe), and it's just a weird cultural/age gap/religious/parents thing. I'm sure that most parents would be at least a little shocked if they walked in on their children having sex, and Asian parents (not to stereotype too much) tend to overreact. A lot. But that's how they are about everything else, no?
I once had a weird situation like that, but I wasn't caught in the act of sex or anything. Just as an unexpected (and unwanted guest) in someone's home. Her mom walked in, freaked, I left, and I have since grown out my hair and gotten better looking. I've seen her mom since, and she does not recognize me anymore (thank goodness).
I think that we learn important life lessons through experiences like these. Here's one: Location, location, location!
I'm white, and when my parents found out I was dating someone 2 years older than me when I was in high school, they banned me from ever seeing him again (he's also white, by the way). Anyway, all we did was go to a movie together secretly. I really think it depends on your parents. My parents lost their virginity to each other when they were 13, so I think they have no room to tell me what to do in that category since I'm 18. Also, were your parents born and raised in another country, or have they both been here there whole lives?
Anyway, hopefully this'll make you feel a little better: that boy from 2 years ago that was 2 years older than me, he's my boyfriend now and we're moving in together. We each had our own boyfriends and girlfriends for those 2 years, and ended up finding each other again. And since I was 18, I disregarded what my parents had to say on the subject. So there's still hope. Even if you can't be together right now and it may feel unbearable (believe me, I understand completely), you never know what life holds and where it may lead you.
You guyrs aren't wrong. If you took the precautions of it as you did and talked with each other about it that it's something you both wanted to do because you love each other and not because everyone else is having sex (in my high school with a populatin of almost 3,300 students, only about 3-5% were having sex), then no it's not wrong.
As far as me, sex wasn't the problem. My mom never liked any guys I've dated whether they be Asian, Black, White, Latino, etc. If she didn't hand pick him herself, she would have a problem no matter how nice he is and how much he wants her to get to know him. Just be strong until you two can be together again and even more until you guys can really be in the relationship you want. Best of luck.
@jenniferwelsh@xanga -
everyone is entitled to his/her own life style. If they were able to mentally and physically prepare themselves for sex, why not go for it? It's not like they're 12 years old. Not everyone wishes to remain virgins until marriage. I don't believe they did anything wrong. If they truly love and respect one another, having sex shouldn't be putting them on the "Naughty List"
If you believe that sex is only appropriate when the couple is married, that is your own opinion. Your thoughts on this are not wrong, but not everyone follows that belief and I don't think you should condemn others for disagreeing with you.
@B2yan_C@xanga - Asian parents, most of them anyways, do tend to overreact and at times it's regardless of the subject of sex.
i don't find what you did wrong.
however, even though i'm black, i think my parents would do the same if they caught me doing it with a boy.
It's only wrong if you believe it to be wrong. So if you think it was wrong, then it probably was and you can learn from that, but if you agree with everyone here (including me) then good for you :)
you didn't do anything wrong. you and your boyfriend are in love and it sounds like you guys were ready to have sex.
it sucks when parents have different beliefs than you and force them on you.
they're just trying to do what they think is best for you... it doesn't sound like they understand what your values are though.
I think regardless of your race, beliefs, or culture, if not all, most of the parents only wants best for their children and having sex before you're married to anyone is every parents nightmare especially if you caught them in the act.
I can see why you are not allowed to see or be near him than twice in four months because you also have to understand where his parents are coming from. Again, they only want the best for him and since you two did it once, it can occur again and again. Sex is great but sometimes, it can be also addicting. Not only that, but you never know what's going to happen even if you did take precautions.
Though I don't think what your boyfriend and you did wrong (by expressing your love to one another), I also don't encourage "teens" who are in high school to have sex when reality is, they're not ready to face the consequences if anything unexpected may happen afterward. There are also many ways that both of you guys can pleasure each other without having sexual intercourse with one other.
Just sleep on it. Think about it. Be more responsible next time.
you think that you're both ready for such a big step, but your parents are right. you're both too young to understand the weight of the situation. teenagers always think they're ready to make adult decisions even when they're not. (i admit i was no exception.) but, your parents really are just looking out for your best interest. even though this may sound cliche', one day you'll be glad they stopped you. i'm not saying you should wait until marriage, but just give it a bit more time. it'll all work out.
first off, bringing up race has nothing to do with racism. i think too many people are afraid of being called racist based on remarks that have to do with race. you don't need to feel obligated to say "i don't mean to be racist," particularly if it's clear that nothing you're saying has any intention of such. and on a related note, "different races/ethnicities" do not react differently to sex...it's different cultures that react differently. but i know what you meant =)
that all being said, like virtually everyone else is saying, you didn't do anything wrong. why would there be anything wrong with sex? it's the way nature works. your parents did it too, believe it or not. there's only an issue if there are other immoral factors involved--for example, if one of you pressured the other to do it unwillingly. moreover, you were both responsible about it by using protection. hope you feel better about the situation!
@thinkin_up_dreams@xanga -
Not the case with my parents. I think in the South, people are more consevative. Maybe it's just the older generation though. My parents adopted me later in life, so my dad is now 60 and my mom 58. My mom is more understanding about my sexual exploits, but my dad would shit a house of bricks if he knew I'd so much as thought about a guy sexually. Most adults I know think sex before marriage is an awful sin, and most of these adults are white.
I think it depends ona LOT of factors, race/culture being one, and age being another.
i think you already know the answer to your own question. i don't think it's because i'm asian that i identify with your situation and perspective as i also identify with the parents' perspective. but i'll just leave my feedback at that. in the meantime, stay focused and try not to feel too hurt. stay strong. : ) for yourself and your boyfriend.Â
it doesnt matter... you still live with mommy and daddy...They have every right to control your life. You want the freedom..Move out.. If you cannot support yourself on your own.. Then do you deserve to enjoy sexual acts that may result in pregnancy?
All these people scream free love... Yet if a child is born to an underage teen...Is it fair to that child to have to be raised by its grandparents?...just so mom could get some dick?
There were many places you could of had sex besides your parents house. And if your boyfriend is man enough to have sex with you... Then he should be man enough to confront your parents with a sit down and profess his love for you.
And ifyou are in highschool... There is what? a 99 percent chance it wont last beyond a couple years max...
Move on... Take some time to yourself. Bake some cookies with mom... Watch some TV with dad and earn their trust back..Next time..Fuck somewhere else besides your parents home... peace
Wth, do you guys live in different zip codes or something? How hard is it to sneak around? You have to work on your CIA skills.
I dont think you did anything wrong but as long as you live with your parents, you have to live by their rules. I dont know how old you are but if you can hold out until you're 18, it wont be so bad.
My friend is going through the exact same situation. Her mom freaked to the point *I* couldnt even talk to her. She lightened up a bit & I passed messages along between my friend & her BF but her mom decided that they can talk & once she's 18 she wont get in between them. So I think love can conquer if it's strong enough. Dont lose hope. ::HUG::
I think it's partially an Asian thing. I know a lot of parents who won't even talk about kissing in front of their kids. :) Haha.
I don't think you did anything "wrong". You took precautions, which is more than you can say for a lot of high school students these days.
The only advice I can offer is to be patient. If it's really meant to last, it'll last. You won't be living under your parents' roof forever; after that, you can legally do whatever you want.
Good luck!
I thought I was sneaky about all this stuff through high school and community college. Then my mom casually tells me about a year ago that she's always known that I had girls over at night when I lived at home and that I wasn't as stealthy as I thought I was.
Lesson learned: parents aren't as stupid as they pretend to be. Primarily because they've been there.
Wow, that sucks.
There are different asian cultures out there,
that when you get caught having sex,
they make you marry the person...
Too bad your parents aren't those type of asians..