Wednesday, 04 March 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: My Husband Is Worried about My Coworker
I don't know how to handle a situation.
I work with a girl who is very tomboyish. We get along great, have fun, and I enjoy hanging out with her. But when we are not at work, she calls and texts me a lot. Secondly she is an on call employee, but she ends up coming in most days and just hangs around.
She might possibly be a lesbian. There have been a few hints about it. I don't care what her sexual preference is, I just care what's inside.
My husband is a very jealous person. He doesn't like that she's calling and texting even when I'm done at work and am home for the day. I'm currently working two jobs and going to school, so he and I don't get a lot of time together. He has never said that I can't hang out with her, but he does think that she is "interested" in me.
I don't know what to do. I want to tell her to back off a little without hurting her feelings, because I do like her. But I want my husband to have peace of mind. I have no interest in her except her friendship.
How do I tell her to chill out and stop trying to get in touch with me so much?
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Comments (21)
Hmm, well thats kind of silly. I think you just need to reassure your husband, and when she texts you too much, just let her know you're busy and will get in touch later. Still silly.
Just don't answer when she calls/texts. It's the easiest way to get someone off your back... And when she asks why the next day, tell her plainly that you were very busy, and that when you weren't, you were spending quality time with your husband. Emphasis on the quality time. You might even throw in a "whom I love very much." I think she'll get the hint.
My husband would be more than happy if a lesbian were wooing me.
Different strokes for different folks, I guess.
@SerenaDante@xanga - i think that sounds pretty good :)
It's really hard to tell a friend to tone it down, especially if they are possibly growing interest in you. When this has happened to me and I have had a boyfriend, he wasn't really concerned. That didn't mean it wasn't still bugging me when I spent more free time with a clingy friend than with my SO.
So what I usually do is confront my friend and ask them to call less because I'm busy, and promise that we can make prior arragements on a weekly basis to spend time together. Unfortunately if that doesn't work I have to ignore them until they get the point. And let me say, even if they get pissed off at you for that, the real friends always get over it and come to terms with the fact that you don't want to spend all of your time with them.
Your husband shouldn't be worried at all. Tell him to chill out.
Good luck!
flash your ring at her? lol
I would understand if it was a guy. But a girl... I think he is over reacting a bit.
In some sense, I think your husband may feel a bit intimidated by your female co-worker. I mean, lesbian or not, you can develop feelings for another partner if you do spend an amount of time with them. And in some rare cases, a straight male or female can turn the opposite way and leave their significant other for their gay or lesbian friend.
Reassure your husband that she is just a friend and also, tell your friend that though you appreciate her calls and texts, you are also busy with your other job, school, and spending quality time with your hubby. Yeah, I understand it's hard to bring these things up to people and tell them to back off a little bit but you gotta do what you gotta do. If the calls and texts are not important, tone it down.
I think this co-worker of yours may had develop some kind of feelings for ya. Or else, she wouldn't be calling and texting you or come to work to just hang around.
I would strongly emphasis that I truly love my husband and I don't see her in that kind of way.
Does she think you exude an inner-lesbian? That wasn't supposed to be a mean question. If she finds some quality in you that makes her curious, she probably won't stop until she's certain you're happily married. Of course, she could just be a naturally...clingy person. She might just be looking for a friend, and you just happen to be best-friend-forever-#1! Maybe apologize and tell her you can't spend so much time anymore, because you and your husband have discussed the fact that you don't get much time with each other anymore. She'll have to understand, or else she'd come off as kind of creepy. If this doesn't work, ask her why, and she'll probably spill the beans. Good luck!
lol..why is this so difficult
lmao..dont answer her phone calls..etcetc..are you people that shady?
Just tell her...lmao...Ifshe is a lesbian then she is used to arough road..you telling her to back off a lil bit wont be a problem..if it is..then she is not a good person anyhow...
dont be shady and lead her on...just fucking tell her..You are an adult..yes?
As you haven't really said much about the co-worker, I can't say if she's lesbian or not. It's always a possibility. She just might be a rather clingy, needy person who sees you as potential for a wonderful friend. I once thought this girl was a lesbian and was hitting on me, but she was just very emotionally needy and physically affectionate to those she saw as friends.
But I think the big issue is your husbands jealousy--you're a grown woman, and he has no call to be that possessive. However, it tells me that he's a little concerned for whatever reason. Reassure him by ignoring text messages at home, spending time with him, and taking calls less. Sometime when the two of you are relaxed, maybe you can even say something like, "I know you're upset about this friendship thing, so I've decided to take her calls and texts less when I'm at home, and spend that time with you." Just a little something like that can mean alot.
And as far as the friend goes, you could do something like come in to work one day in a 'huff' and complain about how he feels that your ignoring him in favor of friends. Ask for advice on how to make him feel better, so that she realizes that
a) you are happily married and intend to stay that way
b) you two are still friends
c) she's monopolizing a little too much time.
Good luck!
just talk about your husband a lot when she talks to you LOL.
Tell your friend that you don't have that much time to spend with your husband so you need to be with him more. Don't say anything about him being annoyed about not getting your attention because of her.
It's gonna be hard to maintain a friendship with someone who wants more than just friendship. Unfortunately I don't think there is any other way of letting her know about your feeling other than just telling it to her face. I mean, if she already doesn't get it that you are straight from the fact that you are married to a man, then you really need to speak up.
hm.
just tell her. [shrug]
Your husband is jealous. It's normal and fine, so don't discount his feelings. Let him know you understand where he's coming from, and that your feelings for your co-worker are strictly platonic. Come to an agreement with him so that you're both happy - I'm not sure what that would be since I'm not you or your husband, but find a middle ground that you're both comfortable with.
In terms of your friend, just tell her flat out what's going on. Ignoring her calls and saying you're "busy" will only make her feel hurt and confused. If you explain the situation to her ("Hubby is just a little jealous - I assured him it was nothing but it still makes him uncomfortable, I'm sorry"), she's bound to understand and feel less shafted (perhaps let down but a little flattered also) if you and your husband decide it's best that you hang out with her less. And if she clarifies that she is not in fact gay, you can report this to your husband and it may reassure him.
@jfmichael@xanga - Yes, thank you. What's with all these "don't tell your friend what's going on - just ignore her and do what hubby wants without discussing the issue at hand" comments? Seriously...
Maybe because in this situation I would be the "friend" rather than the wife... I just think it's totally rude to do that to someone you consider a friend.
@BranmacFeabhail@xanga - I agree. :)
I will tell her point blank about my marital status and i love my husband very much.:) and appreciate if the texts can be lessened.
I have a couple friends like that. They're not lesbians, but they are overly communicative and feel the need to text/call/IM me several times a day, basically asking the same questions...how am I...what am I up to...how's the baby, etc...
I used to consider these people my sisters because we used to be so close. But back then we didn't talk half as much as we do now...
What I do is answer when I can, but if I'm busy, I either ignore it or tell them I'm busy and don't respond to the 5-10 more messages they'll send me before letting it go. The difference between your situation and mine is I don't think they're lesbians, and you actually have to face-to-face with this person. They live in another state, so I don't. But I imagine my irritation with them would be stronger if I did have to see them everyday.
Like SerenaDante said, just tell her you were busy spending quality time with your husband, whom you love very much.
Wow... why not just be honest? And there also seems to be quite a bit of assuming going on... maybe you shouldn't assume things. You assume this woman is a lesbian. Your husband assumes she's interested in you because she might be a lesbian, therefore making him jealous. Don't assume. It's really quite rude. And just talk to her. If you think she's calling too much or texting too much, then TELL HER. It really shouldn't be this complicated.