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Which would you prefer, a heartfelt and thoughtful letter describing why your BF can't be in a relationship with you anymore... or a stumbling, incomplete, poorly worded face-to-face talk about why your BF can't be in a relationship with you anymore?
I know, the first option sounds cowardly and despicable, so let me explain. I'm an introvert and I have difficulty expressing feelings in a negative situation. I've been working on this for several years now, but it is still something I have a lot of difficulty with. Writing though, I'm easily able to express my feelings in a caring way.
I feel that I have to tell my GF that I'm just not emotionally available for a relationship right now.
I realize now that I started looking for someone too soon, before I had the time to work through and get over my previous relationship. I'm a mess and I'm barely able to take care of myself right now. I'm really in no shape to be in a relationship.
We are on a break, but I still feel pressure to keep in touch with her, and I know she is waiting for me. I can't deal with that right now. I know I should've been aware of all of this before I got involved. I know that; I feel really bad about it because I know that I'm going to hurt her and she really doesn't deserve it. I want her to move on and not be waiting for me; I think she will be much happier without me in her life, but how do I tell her this?
Should I just suck it up and attempt to stumble through an explanation face-to-face? Or can I write a letter? She could read the letter while I'm there, or not. And of course I'd be there to talk to her after she's read it, if she wants.
Any advice?
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Comments (140)
Wowzers. This is tough, but at least (by the sounds of it) you're being honest.
If there is to be any kind of resolution, I think the idea whereby you write the letter and let her read it in front of you is the best thing to do.
Otherwise, it's just going to be even more tough then it would be regardless.
I've always thought breakups should be done face-to-face, but you actually make a good argument for the letter here. I think a good compromise would be for you to hand-deliver it and be there to talk about after she's read it.
I rather have a face to face, even though it hurts more. No matter what, she is going to be hurt, a lot. If you want her to move on and never want any attack I guess you can just give her a letter explaining everything then after that you just end all the contacts with her. Maybe after half a year or so she will slowly recover.
i think it's best to say things face to face. but since you seem to get so nervous, this is my suggestion;
write the letter, because you will seem more eloquent and sincere, but break up with her face to face. stumble through it, and say that it's really hard for you to vocalize how you're feeling, then present the letter.
that way, you avoid the "cowardly" letter break-up, but you don't leave her feeling awful about it because you couldn't get your true intentions through well.
Also, reading the letter would also be a very good solution... probably better. haha
Oh I would definitely advise writing the letter, and then being there to answer any lingering questions. I find that's a great way to explain yourself. Usually when my parents and I start to fight, I ask them if I could just write a concise letter instead of getting into a huge fight with them that usually goes on tangents and keeps on going and going.
Then again, sometimes they'll scream that they want to argue and don't want a letter, and the fight will lead to me being slapped, tears, drama, and I'll scream at them for wishing for conflict instead of taking the less dramatic, more rational route.
Anyways, back to your letter. I think it's definitely a good way that can get all your points across; and if you explain to her that it's easier for you to communicate that way, I'm sure she'll appreciate it somewhat, especially if you're still there while she's reading to answer questions.
Good luck!
Neither of my breakups went particularly well. The first was face-to-face; the second was over the phone. I have the same difficulty with expressing myself, and I just fumbled my way through it. I'd advise writing the letter.
I think in your situation, a letter explaining your feelings in a caring way would be better than just stumbling through your words face to face.
However, I think the letter should be delivered to her in person, so that you can sort of get the best of both worlds. She can read the letter, and if she has any questions, you can be there to explain things to her. This will also help to bring closure in your relationship, so that there aren't any lingering questions after you have broken up. Of course, hopefully she will be understanding, rather than yell at you or something. But I think for you, that would be the best way to go about things. Good luck!Write the letter and read it to her in person. Assuming you guys know each other well enough, she'll understand why you have to communicate that way. I am also keen on writing instead of winging things. Even when I think I'm going to wing a serious talk, I being rehearsing and memorizing parts in my mind. Whatever works for you is okay.
I think you are doing the right thing, though. You're mature enough to look at yourself and admit now isn't the time for a relationship, and you're wanting to tell her. That's great. Just stick to it and don't drag it out. What more could a girl that cares ask for? And if she's that caring, she'll let you go with the secret hope of a possible later.
Best of luck to you.
No matter how you go about it, breakups suck. You really can't do anything about that.
I would say write the letter, and then either read it to her in person or explain what you wrote, and then let her read it herself. That way you will be able to express yourself more clearly and still have the conversation face to face.
I would hand her the letter and be there for the reading? I don't know, really.
I think it would be more "noble" to try and stumble through an explanation. Tell her that you're no good at explaining this and even though this may not be what she would prefer, you wrote it down for clarification.
My biggest fear is that either of the two options would leave some closure to be desired. Having a face-to-face chat relieves some of that pressure, and clearly explaining the situation in a letter can help with the rest.
I would write her a letter and have her read it in front of you. Explain to her why you decided to write instead of talk to her and be there to talk after she finishes reading. She's probably going to be hurt but I think she will appreciate the effort you put in to making it easier on her.
Do both. Write the letter, tell her to meet you up somewhere private..tell her that you're not good at talking, and but you do feel the need for the two of you to meet. After the talk, tell her she can read your true feeling more thoroughly through your writing. Give her a hug and move on.
I'd say try to explain it to her and stumble through everything, and once you're stuck and can't get through it anymore, tell her you knew that that would have happened, but you wanted to treat her right, and so you had tried. BUT! here was a letter, and that it said what you couldn't find the words to say right now. And then ask her if she would rather read it in front of you, or without you and talk to you later, or read it and not talk to you at all....
That way you've tried your best, you're not in any way cowardly, you're honest, and you let her decide what she wants to do with your relationship...she might decide that she's willing to try to help you through it... =)
if you just write a letter, she may have questions to ask you that need to be answered face-to-face. Either talk to her, or let her read it in your presence, otherwise there may be no closure for her.
*has experience with this*I say write the letter and be there when she does read it that way yall can talk about it right then and there...I dont think its a coward move if thats easier for u then go for it. Im the same way i rather write it down then do it face to face because its not easy for me to express my feelings that way. it come out better when i write it. So go for it and thats good ur being honest with yourself, now you just need to be honest with her. Im sure alot will be lifted off your shoulders by the end of all this...GOODLUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why don't you write what you want to say and then read it to her or have her read it while you're right there with her. That way, you're face to face, but you still are able to use your words effectively.
Breaking up is tough either way you go about it. Like what some of the other people have said, perhaps it's best you write down your thoughts on a letter and read it to her. That way you can tell her face-to-face while still being as coherent as possible.
yeah, exactly what I was thinking as I read this- why don't you write the letter, then read it out loud. That way, you will be taking the assertive road to this. And letting her ask any questions she wants of you.
@cmdr_keen@xanga - agreed. do both.
I really rolled my eyes when I saw the title of the post, after reading it I realize you do make a good argument. Hmm...I think the best scenario is to write the letter, explain to her why you choose to write the letter rather than talking to her face-to-face, and have her read it while you are there. The most important part is to be there when she reads it, so she doesn't think you are being a coward. Best of luck!
How about both?
I can understand that you're better with writing your feelings than speaking them, but she may not feel as if a letter is sincere and serious enough. I would suggest writing her a letter and then talking to her about it face-to-face. That way you can get what you're feeling out in the open with extreme clarity, and she will simultaneously feel as if you're being completely upfront about it. I hope that makes sense...
Also, be sure to write in the letter why it is you're writing a letter. I think that would be important for her to understand so that she gets that you're doing it for her to understand you better, not as a means of you hiding behind your pencil and paper. Also reassure her that you'll talk to her about it face-to-face.
I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.
If you write the letter, you can explain yourself better. After she's read the letter, give her a few days to think it over, then go talk to her face-to-face and see what her reaction is and clarify if you need to. Read "Pride and Prejudice". It's exactly what you're talking about.
You could talk to her after she's read it, but it seems more like sitting through the storm while everyone else is out fighting it. Even though your written words could be very heartfelt, some people feel it's still too impersonal, and that there's something shameful that has yet to be unveiled. I don't know. I emphasize the adjectives when I read, so I might be just as moved by a letter.
Wow, it feels like your post is speaking to me. Last week I wrote a heartfelt breakup letter because I too am an introvert. I gave it to him while I was present so I could hear what he had to say. I knew that I wouldn't express what I felt in speech as well as I would on paper so that is what I did.
People can think it's cowardly, but I just think you're just adapting to your strengths.Good luck with it!
If she really knows you, your preference towards heart to heart communication won't be misunderstood and hopefully that would now cast away your worries in writing a letter... It's not cowardly, it is just your way of giving her a clear message.
If face to face conversation isn't the most effective method to convey your feelings, don't bother using that, it's a waste of time and efforts. She might get even more annoyed by your inability to speak out your feelings... But please explain this on the letter to avoid the possibility of her having misthoughts, sometimes, others might not be as understanding or thoughtful compared to some people...