I admit dating my ex wasn't the smartest decision, which I knew a couple months even before we started dating, but I just didn't want to admit to myself. I was flattered that someone was so enticed with me, especially because it had never happened before.
Anyway, I found out from a mutual friend, who told me he had liked me for a very long time and had even written a letter about me. That should have been the first warning sign, but I ignored it due to shock and minor flattery. When I later talked to him about it, he sent me these personal journal entries he had been writing about me. That should have been another warning sign; who just pours all that stuff out when you don't even know how the other person feels? The entries contained stuff like "Am I never going to be the one to tell her I love her?", how much it bothered him that I liked someone before him (I didn't even like him back then, and who the hell likes one person in their life anyway?), how we were beating around the bush this one time about it (he obviously was, but assuming the same about me?), and how he wanted to tell me off when he found out that me and this other guy had a "thing".
There are a lot of things I can say about what happened during the relationship, but I won't bore you. At the breakup point, he desperately tried to cling on and did the whole writing thing again, saying how he loves me and he always will. Excuse me, you don't even know me. Then he went on and on about how things shouldn't end like this and that all those things shouldn't be for nothing. Okay, wha t things? We barely went out for two months, and we didn't hang out much at all because I was away at school. It was like he was trying to guilt me into staying, but the catch is, if he actually knew me instead of seeing me as his perfect mate, he would have known that wouldn't work.
Am I right to be frustrated about all of this? Has anyone else had to deal with a situation like this?
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Comments (35)
I can understand why you would be frustrated - maybe even a little creeped out. I've encountered a few obsessive guys in the past; it's so uncomfortable and awkward. At first I felt bad, but then I realized that I couldn't be bothered to care. Block, Ignore, Avoid.
I went through something like this, and I had to end contact completely because he became abusive. Not saying your situation is the same, but I think it's never a great idea to date someone because you're flattered that they like you. That's what I did, and I'm much happier now with someone that I actively had an interest in, and then I found out they felt the same.
So wait, a guy writes about having a crush on you (that's exactly what he had), and you're bitching and finding it "creepy"? What the hell is wrong with you?
How old are the both of you anyway? Odds are, the guy's just acting on infatuation (not love), and yes, he finds you attractive.
If you didn't like him that way, you never should've led him on the way you did. Don't ever get involved with someone if you aren't interested. You're not doing him a favour.
Similar situation, but I didn't cave and I don't plan to. I was dating this guy around this time last year, and another guy got my number and texted me constantly, asking me how things were with my boyfriend, if I'd ever consider breaking up with him, etc. He was absolutely convinced that I'd see the error of my ways and throw away my good relationship for him. It was ridiculous in every way, and when I told him how I actually felt, he threatened to kill himself and asked me how I could do that to him after he opened up to me the way he did. I don't know what exactly he was referring to, because I never considered us friends, and I was always far from nice to him. He still talks to me to this day, and I am yet again in a relationship that is better than any relationship of ours ever would have been.
His personality is not an excuse coz you know it before all these happen.
If you know what you are going into, then you shouldn't proceed.
If you don't like him, you should not be with him. You were giving him false hope and confuse messages. It takes two for sth to happen. So you are responsible too.
But you keep blaming his personality. From the writing, you and him are both assuming. What you said about him, is the same about you too in some sense.
Frustrate is a feeling, there's not right or wrong. You have the right to feel however you feel. Perhaps validation is a related matter. Since you knew he is this way, but you were still going for him, because of how things flattered you.
I totally had this exact same relationship problem. Went out with a guy for not quite two months. Knew it was a bad idea before it started. But I was flattered because he wrote me a letter and was all poetic or whatever. We broke up and he never forgot me. (Personally, I think it's because I'm the only girl he's ever been around whose clothes didn't fall off around him) I moved away to school. Deleted/blocked him from every online communication tool. Changed his name in my phone to "Don't Answer" and I haven't talked to him since I did all that.
Don't blame this all on him. You can blame his personality all you like, but you're to blame as well. Flattered or not, if you weren't interested to go along with the flattery, you shouldn't have bothered. You basically led him on to believe there was something there legitimately when there really wasn't. However, I have to agree that any guy writing love letters about me, especially when they don't know diddly squat about, is downright creepy. That, for me, is an absolute turn off and I'm glad my fiance didn't do that to me.
Yeah. Clingy people are the shits.
I havent been through anything like this...
It takes two to tango, miss, and you are far from being in the right. He had a crush on you, and you call it creepy for him to write about what he feels? You weren't even interested, yet you gave in only because no one has ever felt about you that way. It's called a pity date (and you even took pity on yourself), and you should apologize for that.
And please don't put him down because he writes about his feelings, when people have something to write about, they write it. :\
Apologize for taking pity on him and end it in a definitive manner. Otherwise, you deserve whatever else he throws at you.
I get why you got into it, but really you shouldn't have. I think you are both partially at fault but I do think it kind of weird that he shared all those writings about his feelings when he didn't know how you felt.
I've sort of been in a situation like this but not exactly.
Sounds like you liked him initially because he was Really "into you".
Everyone is a little narcissistic and it's really flattering to find someone who just is absolutely in love with you. I think you kind of mistook narcissism for actual feelings. What I'm saying is you never really liked him. You just liked the idea that he REALLY really liked you. But it gets old when you find out the guy who likes you is pretty much a total creep/obsessive loser.
I have had a few guys who were totally into me, but I never really gave them a chance partially because they tend not to have any opinions of their own. They just agree to everything you say and magnifies everything good about you. It's really annoying. I rather be with someone who is real and sees me for who I am than with someone who worships me like some kind of god. That's not a real relationship. It's like being an owner to a loyal dog.
@x_last_first_kiss_x@xanga - naming someone "don't answer" on your phone... that is so brilliant lol. i'm totally doing that right now.
but yeah this guy is really too infatuated. its not that abnormal for him to write about you, but it is pretty weird that he chose to show you his writings.just stay away from that guy and give him a chance to find someone else to write about.totally understand when you said "you don't even know me." for me, it's not at all flattering to be the object of a blind infatuation. it feels like that person is just taking their ideal image of a girl and projecting it on me. i had a guy who got angry at me for doing something he thought was out of character for me (we weren't even dating). but it's something all my friends know well i do, he really just know nothing about me.
my advice, don't cave. ever. it would just be frustrating for both of you trying to live up to his imagination. run.
I have, but it was/still is pretty bad. He threaten to kill himself which kept me with him for a couple extra months. And even now he randomly sends me drunk emails telling me he needs me and that he'll die with out me.
It's the worst situation to be in, isn't it?
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - "I rather be with someone who is real and sees me for who I am than with someone who worships me like some kind of god. That's not a real relationship. It's like being an owner to a loyal dog."
LOL... I wonder what happened to those dogs now.
In relation to this issue, well, I am still infatuated with a woman that seems to be quite flirtatious with me since last summer, but I knew that she already got a partner when I started to like her. Often, I asked myself... Is this feeling mutual? It doesn't feel right even if it is... It seems like one way traffic to me atm. I won't bother thinking more unless I get more indications that it goes to somewhere...
I don't see anything wrong about writing my own feelings on an online journal, which I still do... After all, it's about my own feelings, not hers, that's why it was called my journal... However, I won't think for her, she have her own rights to choose her partner, do what is the best for herself.
I liked her, but it doesn't mean she have to do the same. FFS, she could be just a nice girl who's friendly with anyone and I am just one of those guys who got it wrong.
One thing that's for sure, if she ever becomes single again, if I do know it one day, I would immediately go and ask her out for a date and see how it goes for a new relationship between us.
I don't care about her ex-boyfriends, what they did, but won't mind listening to what made her unhappy from those previous relationships.
About your ex, IMO, there are no perfect mates in this world, but perhaps, there are those that worth your time to know them... From liking them to loving them... Instead of getting lost in private thoughts, why not communicate with the person you want to share your life with?
@Choco_King@xanga - Lol.. nothing. I didn't get involved with them so I wouldn't know.
Okay, it was creepy, but you gave in. Haha.
Anyway, I understand your feelings. Recently this guy that I talked to online for some time in the past suddenly re-emerged and we started talking again. We were cool and stuff, and suddenly he starts telling me how beautiful I am, what an amazing person I am, writing blogs about me, all that stuff. Yeah, I found it a little creepy and not at all romantic, because as you said, the guy "doesn't even know me."
When someone is in love, they turn every little thing into such a big deal. Dating him was a bad idea because it just gave him more reason to make the argument that you two "had something." He's in his own little world. You can either set him straight with how you feel about all this, or you can shut him out and ignore him.
And don't ever date someone simply out of flattery >_<
You're definitely not alone. & you have every right to be frustrated. haha. That's the story of me & my ex. Not so much the obsessive writing though I wouldn't say I'd be surprised.. But my ex apparently liked me a little bit before I noticed him, for lack of a better term. I probably had a vague notion that he was in one of my classes but I couldn't quite remember which class.. I think it's creepy though.. to obsess over a girl who doesn't quite know of your existence & then to try to manipulate her into staying with words. Omg.. I've got many a creepy stores for that! When we ended, he would still wrote xanga entries about how much he loved me & how I broke his heart & then the sappy entries turned into "what a cold-hearted bitch she was" & how I never appreciated him but he'll always love me & he hopes we'll get back together one day 'cause I'm the one he's meant to marry. Then the stalking..
So take it from me, chalk this one to experience & never date a person out of pity or flattery. Lesson learned. & be sure to block & put as much distance [& severe all contact if possible] between the two of you. That helps.. & removes the frustration/creeped out factor. :)
@Schristian@xanga - Well said. :)
In these sort of situations, I'd be the crazy guy (ha). THOUGH, I was with one crazier than me. Can you imagine that? Crazier than the crazy? Worst experience ever.
Well, I don't see anything wrong with him writing those things. All he did was write the same thoughts that go through many peoples heads when they have a crush on somebody. Even so, you saw the "warning signs" ahead of time and should have avoided him. That's why I always like to think things out before going into big things such as relationships.
He just sounds like a really emotional, possibly confused guy to me. I didn't see any examples of how he actually smothered you during the relationship though, so I can't particularly address that.
I have, though, dealt with over-emotional guys who had no idea what they wanted, or how they felt.
I find it really werid when guys get too attached before they even date someone.
My friend once dating this guy who was way to attached to her before they even went out. she and him were always friends but one day they just went out. during their relationship he was so attached to her and was talking about getting married and college and he was already saying I LOVE YOU after the first day. she finally broke up with him after a week because he was too attached and she really only liked him as a friend. And when they broke up he was trying to get her back by making her feel bad.
But honestly she shouldn't feel bad for breaking his heart, i mean usally people aren't that upset over a break up when they only went out for a week. He was way to attachted to her before they started dating so it wasn't like she made him fall for her and then just broke up with him. It wasn't at all her fault for breaking up with him, it was his fault for being way too attached before going out.
Yeah, I definitely think that is creepy. I had a guy that was in love with me for a year (when I was already in a relationship). I never led him on, and I flat out told him I didn't have feelings for him and that he was going too far. -This didn't stop him though. Even after he was "over me" whenever he saw me he was always real touchy feely. Fortunately, I left the town (for the most part) and he never sees me anymore, so I am pretty sure he has pretty much forgotten about me.-thankfully
OMG he sounds like me ex. he liked me for a few years.. and then like while i was at his apt one time (this was like a month before I started dating him and a month and half before I moved outta state) I was in his bedrrom and I looked at his calander and on the date that I was leaving he had written "My girl leaves" I should have been worried then.. but I was like whatever... and then we started dating and like you I know I shouldnt have but having someone like you is nice right.. well he was the most clingiset guy I know... I hated every minuet of it..he even updated his phone plan.. and talked about getting a tattoo of a celtic knot cuz he knows how I love mu Irish pride and have talked about getting a celtic tattoo..
I wrote him a letter (long distant) and sent it to him.. he then started hating on me.. like hard core and what not.. being all why.. and then he sent his best friend after me.. all pissed out and what not..
You have every right to be frusterated.. not going to lie. I was so frustrated.. and to add to it.. (we broke up last year) he got a celtic knot tattoo.. a few weeks back.. so hes still not over it..