Tuesday, 03 March 2009
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Dating: Why Do We Agree to Things We Don't Want to Do?
More than once, I have agreed to do something that I didn't really want to do or have allowed something to happen that I didn't really want to happen. A few days ago I decided to finally speak up.I have been with my boyfriend for about five months now and he occasionally stays the night in my dorm room, but sharing a twin size bed sometimes makes it really hard to get a good night's sleep, so it only happens once a week or so - usually on Saturday night.
Last Saturday my boyfriend and I made our usual late night walk from his friend's apartment up to his apartment and my dorm. There is this one point in the road where one of us usually announces what will happen the rest of the night - either that he is coming over or going to his own place. So, this past Saturday he said that he smelled (from wearing snowpants all night; we had been playing in the snow earlier) and I said something like "okay". We said goodbye, and he walked toward his apartment and I started walking towards my dorm - the whole time thinking about how much it sucked that he wasn't coming over.
Then I did something totally out of character. I turned around and asked him if he really didn't want to come over. He said that he wanted to come over, but that he knew that I hate it when he smells. Needless to say, he ended up coming over (I'd rather have a smelly boyfriend in my bed than no boyfriend at all, to be honest).
This got me thinking about how often we agree to things like this when we both don't want to. Why can't we just say what we want?
How often do you agree to things that you don't want to do? How often do you actually speak up about it?
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- From: LupusInvictus@xanga
- Name: LupusInvictus
- Location: North Pole, Alaska, United States
- About Me: I live in North Pole, Alaska. If you don't believe me, google it.
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Comments (25)
In this case? Maybe because he was being considerate, and because you didn't want to make a fuss over his sensitivity to your wants. In general, it's always easier to let whatever decision comes up first to become a mutual agreement, just to avoid conflict.
I often do that, I'm trying to be considerate, put others' feelings before mine. I'm really not good at putting my wants and needs first.
When it comes to the relationship I'm in now, I haven't agreed to do anything that I don't want to do. I haven't had to do that. We pretty much have the same idea in our minds whenever we do anything.
When I do agree to do things I don't want to do, though, it's usually with friends or family. Then it's to avoid conflict and to not hurt somebody's feelings.
After couple times of misunderstanding and arguments and such, I just always tell him what I want, whether he likes it or not. For example, there are times when I'm over at his place and he would be playing his games. Sometimes I'd joke around and be like, "me time" and he'd know ('cause usually I just sit there and watch him play.) There's nothing wrong with telling your SO what you want since they are not you and only you know yourself better than anyone else.
sometimes, there is no way around conflict. What you have to do is measure out how many times you give in compared to how many time he does. If it's more, than you need to talk.
I'm a very giving person, so is my SO. Sometimes it gets difficult because we're just trying to put the other first so it becomes an all out war of....consideration? Meh, we both win
I find that I often agree to things that I dislike that are spur of the moment & I know will make my boyfriend happy.. just to avoid conflict. However, after it happens, I speak up. I mention to him that although the situation turned out well [in relative terms], I'd prefer it not happen again [re: my disastrous double date entry]..
I find it difficult for me to speak up about my dislikes as well.. I'm so passive-aggressive which is something I've been trying to fix. I still wait til the very last second, right before I throw a fit to tell the boyfriend I don't like to do certain things.. It's really all about the communication.
this has absolutely nothing to do with dating. when me and my mom disagree on something (when i was still living with my parents) and i want to do one thing and she wants to do another, i always give in cause she plays the guilt card. she'll act all sad and depressed but say "its ok honey.........." but i know shes using my guilt against me so i always give in than regret it later on *lol*
so i would have to say guilt is the reason why i agree to things i really dont want to do. i hate seeing the other person sad or depressed cause of me *major* guilt. i like seeing my mom happy. i want to see my mom happy.
I usually do what I want and when I want it.
And I get very impatient and angry when I don't get what I want when I want it.
But I'm working on it. I think when you really love someone, you start to think more of that person than yourself, and believe me when I say I'm a very selfish person.
There's not much to discuss about coming from this case.
Having something is always better than nothing. Simple.
You want a guy to emotionally comfort you, hugging you during cold nights rather than a lifeless cudddly toy that doesn't respond and hardly comforting when you are the one that hugs the damn object.Â
Just hope that your partner will pay more attention to the issue of B.O. It's part of personal hygiene. Find a way to reduce the smell would do you a lot of good.
oh...i seem to be the kind that do what i want [bravely]...but sometimes, yupz!....it is hard to 'open' our mouth!!
@Choco_King@xanga - in his defense, it's hard to live in a place where you prepare for -20 outside then have to be inside where it is 70. It's like, you go in a building and you instantly start to sweat. It's even harder if you don't carry around "indoor" clothes and "outdoor" clothes with you all of the time. But yeah, that whole inanimate object thing sucks.
@AnemicRoyalty64@xanga - Yeah! Exactly. I think the opposite though. We avoid conflict for sure, but we both end up going home sad!
@xxthatsmexx@xanga - What about situations like this where we both agree to go to our separate beds when we both want to share one together? It's not so much about conflict as is is about just saying what we want instead of what we think the other person might want.
I'm pretty damn straightforward.
But then again, I'm also usually game for anything, so yeah..
Usually I always speak up to the things that I don't agree and/or don't want to do. But sometimes, I give in and go with my husband to gatherings that I don't want to go and people that I don't want to meet. Ey. Marriage... you gotta make sacrifices sometimes. lol.
That is so cute! I'd do the same thing... Smelly boyfriend or not, he is still good company in bed especially when we jump onto the bed at the same time. LOL. Anyway, my boyfriend usually can't make decisions because he's concerned about my happiness... It's really cute but after a couple pillow fights, I convinced him to pick a dinner place and movie, the times for everything, etc. Everything worked out in the end. ^_^
when it's something important, i'll speak up...otherwise, it's "whatever makes you happy."
it depends on the situation. Usually, if it isn't a huge deal, i'll let it pass because it doesn't really make much of a difference one way or another. But I realized, when it does make a difference, he gets confused...like "if it didn't matter last time, why does it now?" Of course if we TALKED about it then he wouldn't be but because I didn't to save the uncomfort, the possibly argument/disagreement or cuz I'm lazy in general, I choose not to.
so next time he comes over and he smells, don't complain about it. In fact, now you can't complain about it ever because he knows that you'd rather have a smelly bf than not at all in your bed. next time you do complain about it, it won't be something he just shrugs off (esp. if it happens more than once) so I advice you to actually TALK to him about what he DOES without agreeing with it...for you!
@AnemicRoyalty64@xanga - same here!!! haha its kind of funny because we go "no you can do this" "no! you can" and then it becomes a mini feud about putting each other first
it just depends on what he wants to do... if i have no interest whatsoever, im sure he wouldnt mind me not taking part... and vice versa
A need to please the one you're with is what it sounds like...you wanna make them happy, and you wanna be happy, you want them to want you to be happy, etc. Been there, done that. It's not a bad thing, you've just gotta know where to draw the line.
If we kept saying what we've wanted, then life in terms of dating, relationship, work, school, politics, and such would be so much easier! We usually aren't honest because we're afraid of rejection, and dejection from others. After all, we always want to be accepted from others because we dislike the lonesome feelings. However, courage is what summoned for in times of honesty. That is why lies exist, hesitation, and regrets.
I always agree to things if I don't know where, when, and what to do then make an analytical point of view if the path taken is appropriate or not. However, if I'm keen enough to know the consequences then of course, I would strongly disagree. For 23 years, I was at my midst of confusion and ignorance and only now, I've begun to interpret and visualize better just this year. For me, failure is a detour.
omg that happens countless times with me. sometimes i'm a pushover. i like balance and hate animosity and confrontations so when it comes to choosing what I want to do and what the other person wants to do, I tend to be ok with what they want to do. I like to be open to whatever other ppl want to do. Of course I speak up when need be.
@d0llh0use@xanga - lol my mom does this alot!! "its okay..ill just go by myself...hopefully no one mugs me" (sad face) WTH is that! you cannot not do it. lol
@candidShotS@xanga - *lol* i know...finally somebody knows how it feels *sigh*
Because even though communication is the first things we learn in life, as we get older, it's one of the hardest things we have to do. We're too busy what the other person is thinking and wanting...