Monday, 02 March 2009
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Response: Help Me Understand Why She Dumped Me
Recently, a young man posted a blog describing how he persistently went after a friend who continued to reject him, and he couldn't understand why. Even more surprising than his ignorance was the response of several readers - girls who were outraged at how this "bitch" used such a nice guy like him and thought he could do better.Were you all reading the same post I was? She never agreed to date him, and she never said she liked him. He assumed that all their phone conversations and long walks home meant something, and when she ignored him and threw away his Valentine's Day gifts, he continued to pursue her. They even had a conversation during which they agreed that they were friends and nothing more. So why is she a bitch for rejecting a guy who just couldn't take a hint?
I've had the same problem over the years: I seem to attract overly persistent, clingy and oblivious guys who just won't back off, no matter how many times I say no. The longer it goes on, the meaner I have to get. Sometimes that's what it takes.
I personally think she was not at fault. She was simply not attracted to him in the beginning but was too nice to hurt his feelings. He assumed she felt the same way about him, even though she avoided him at school (a pretty obvious hint, when a girl tries her hardest not to talk to you). He went all out for Valentine's Day - flowers, a card and dinner reservations - before he even asked her if she wanted to be his Valentine, and when he called her to ask her out on a date, she ignored it. Again, another obvious hint that she wasn't into him.
Furthermore, when he confessed his feelings for her, she said she wasn't attracted to him, and they agreed to be friends and nothing more - HELLO! She couldn't have made it any clearer than that, yet when she said she didn't want to go to prom with him, he was speechless and couldn't understand what went wrong.
Is a woman automatically obligated to give a guy a chance when he pursues her with romantic gestures, even when she's not attracted to him? Why is it so hard for some guys to understand that they just want to be friends? Is there a fine line between being romantic and creepy?
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- From: Never_go_quietly@xanga
- About Me: This is my outlet. This is where I write what I can't say, where I show what I can't tell. I'm honest and slightly anonymous, and if witnessing the essence of a complete stranger that you'll know inside out but never meet interests you, come on in. Make yourself at home.
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Comments (48)
I was kind of feeling the same way after reading that post and the responses....
No, a woman should never feel obligated to give a guy a chance. That feeling of obligation can end really poorly, and should not be confused with willingness.
Sometimes the responses from a girl can be unclear and the guy will continue to pursue her, interpreting her actions as he wishes. In other cases, they hope that things will change. That's why I'm a fan of avoiding ambiguity at all costs! It saves a lot of heart break.
And yes, there is a fine line. It all depends on how receptive BOTH PARTIES are. It's more likely to be creepy if it isn't reciprocated.
Guys need to learn to take hints.
I know they prefer directness and all, and girls are really very subtle a lot of the times... But seriously. Those hints were pretty obvious.
I attract that same type of guy sometimes too... And I feel terrible for having to be rude, but they just don't get it when I'm nice <.<
@SerenaDante@xanga - Ditto! Haha :]
I think the main problem with the Male/Female friendships in today's society is that the guy can't keep his place in the "friend zone".
Personally I have several female friends, some of which I was attracted to and others I just wanted to be friends...and when I went after the ones I was attracted to, and got rejected, I pick up my pride and kept the friendship.
Some of my guy friends question me as to why I have female friends, and it just works better for me. I'm not trying to lose man points by this post, but when a guy I know is talking about how he is cheating on his gf or when we are out and he is after girls when I know he has a gf, it just pisses me off.
I read the other post and from what I gathered he just couldn't get the picture and keep his feet in the friend zone.
There is a fine line between romantic and creepy. I've experienced the creepy. People NEED to stop and think about what they're doing when they're trying to be "romantic" Its only romantic if the other person feels the same way about you. If they don't, and you damn well better make sure they do, then it is creepy.
Especially when they're so dense about it, no matter what you say or how many times you say no, that you have to get a restraining order.
Ugh.
She ignored him at school yet talked to him "for hours" on the phone and internet. Two-faced much? I mean it's not totally her fault but she's definitely majority fault. like 65-35.
Unfortunately guys are conditioned to expect a chase, or for the girl to play hard to get. Many guys either are too oblivious or just plain ignore the hints. Taking the hints is something that just comes with experience. Women don't need to be rude, but being direct is preferable to giving hints.
I'd prefer a woman just say "I appreciate your interest in me, I just am not interested in having any relationship beyond friends with you." It's clear, it's concise and if the guy continues to pursue he's an idiot.
No, a woman isn't obligated to do anything she doesn't want to do. The guy in that post brought all upon himself. Yes, initially I can see how initially he could have some hope that she might be interested. He should have moved on after his failed V-day attempt (what he really should've done was asked her out first).
Also his title is very misleading. She didn't really dump him, since they were never dating or a couple. She just flat out rejected him.
hmm. i agree with the poster here. although hopefully she learned that next time she just needs to directly state from the beginning that she has no romantic feelings. the funny thing is, i just did a post about almost this same issue. this goes on a lot, i guess...
:)
I read the post and it sounds like an extended version of something you'd read on fmylife.com. Anyway, he was pretty naive and probably blinded by his feelings in order to ignore those signs.
I don't think it's entirely his fault. As he put it, they did "talk for hours online and on the phone," and continue to talk after he gave her a V-day card and some roses. I think it's part of her fault as well for not being upfront with him and even after that, they both agreed to be each others prom date until she cancel on him and told him to be her "backup" instead.
It seems like she kind of led him on and kept him as a "rebound" guy like I commented on the original post.
Wow. I just read his post. I straight out called him a creep in my comment. lol
She didn't even sound interested from the beginning. Why the hell did he keep coming onto her then? Its his own fault and I think she made it blatantly obvious that she only saw him as a friend.
And people should stop ragging on the skin color thing. I can understand that it might sound offensive but jeebus. If she's his friend then she obviously isn't racist. She could just be like me, I'm just not attracted to blacks. Not a race thing, just an aesthetic one. The same way Im not attracted to blonde.
Well, I didn't call him a creeper because he gave up, at least. But there were huge hints, if not flat-out rejections, regarding the flowers and card, or the just-friends prom date situation. Personally, I thought it was nice of her to agree to go as friends. People were flipping out over her change of mind when she delegated the guy the role of back-up. Maybe he was crushed, but I think it's important for him to understand it was always a platonic...not-date for prom.
i think she gave him plenty of notice that she wasn't interested, so in some respect i do think it was his fault. but as jeezshoua@xanga said, she did do her fair share of leading him on, and did something i consider unforgivable, which is flaking on him.
I have a theory about why so many girls responded negatively about the female. I only noticed girls reacting negatively, actually, but I didn't look too far into it either. He made himself look like the really nice, sweet guy. Which, hey, he's not supposed to throw all his flaws out in a post or anything, so that's understandable. So, when these females think "It's so rare to find a guy who'd do that for someone!" they automatically decide that the girl who doesn't swoon for it, is, of course, a bitch. Because every girl wants a guy to set up reservations, get flowers and a card -- all before she accepts to be his valentine, right? That's only a cool surprise when you're already in a relationship with the girl.
I agree with your post whole heartedly. He was being given a lot of signs that she wasn't interested. Though, I've got to admit the fact that they talked so "often online" would probably easily throw off some people. They'd always have a doubt, 'Well maybe she likes me...' kind of like he did (does?). But really, there were enough facts that she wasn't interested from the get-go.
Her not being interested doesn't make her a bitch.
Yes, there definitely is a line between "romantic" and "creepy." I tend to take it more as "creepy", even when others would consider it otherwise, but that's just me.
I did read that post.....and I mean, I don't think she was being a bitch, but I think she sort of went about rejecting him the wrong way. Then again, he also didn't know when to quit.
I think if someone has been romantically interested in you for a long time, you're not obligated to do ANYTHING, but in my opinion you should at least consider them and try and see if maybe you could give them a fair chance...it would be a waste of feelings :/ And a lot of times people don't know what they're giving up when they reject someone so quick.
I didn't read the original post but he sounds a lot like how I was. I knew that she wanted nothing more than friendship but her words and her actions led you to think otherwise. Long hours on the phone, sharing personal secrets and stuff. She should have tried to not get so close with him so he wouldn't keep so much hope alive for her as I did.
@brokenheartedboi@xanga - a chase? seems like he hounded her.
she shouldn't have led him on outside of school for sure, but her constant public rejections should have given him the hint a long time ago.
bigger and bigger gestures of affection in the face of rejection at every turn just smacks of idiocy.
"Is a woman automatically obligated to give a guy a chance when he
pursues her with romantic gestures, even when she's not attracted to
him?"
of course not! at the same time, i've been judged by ppl around me when i don't give guys who're interested i me a "chance". they kept saying how I'm playing hard-to-get, or that it'll be impossible for me to find someone if I don't give out chances... at the same time, when i give out "chances" for guys who initially i thought there's a potential but later admit a relationship would be impossible, ppl say i'm using the guy for free meals/rides/gifts.... what can girls do then?
No one ever has a RIGHT to a chance. Chances are privileges. And he wasted a lot of time trying to be romantic when she obviously wasn't interested; that's kind of sad.
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
well, how come she would avoid him at school, but talk to him for hours online and on the phone? it makes it seem like she didn't want people to know that she was associating with him, and it seems like she was using him for who knows what purpose.
I don't think that girls are obligated to give a guy a chance or anything that you said, as long as she doesn't lead him on. from what the guy said, it seems like she did lead him on until one point where he already really liked her. that's too late.
ok guys .. i never called her a bitch
and i never wrote that she dumped me .. datingish added it
and lastly
we're on mutal terms now soooo
i guess im not a creeper . :)
welll...thats life i guess..
I agree... from different perspectives, one just sees different things.