My friend Sean invited me over to his dorm room, and it got late, so I decided to stay the night. Because I've been sleeping over fairly often during the several months that I've known him and it's never amounted to more than cuddling, I didn't think anything different would happen, especially because he knew I wasn't willing to go past first base in relationships. Sometime during the night he put his arm over my side, which I was comfortable with. He then pulled me closer to his body. Naturally, if you're lying on your side, one arm will be lying in front of you. Unfortunately for me, however, if a guy is lying on his side, is wearing basketball shorts and has an erection, something else lies in front.
I was shocked when I first felt it against the back of my hand through his shorts and pulled away slowly as if I hadn't noticed anything. Then he pulled me against him so close that my hand was pressed firmly on his erection. It was all I could do to stop from trembling; I didn't want to accidentally move my hand more into it and make him think I was giving him the green light, but at the same time it would be painfully obvious if I moved my hand away.
I didn't want Sean to feel rejected because he's struggled with depression. We lay there for what seemed forever until I had the idea to move my hand and put it on his chest. It seemed like I was safe. However, once we were farther away from each other, I wrongly thought that it was safe to put my hand back down where it was more comfortable...
which resulted in the same thing that happened above happened two more times until he finally lay on his back and I fell asleep.
The thing is, does this even count as sexual assault? I feel violated, and I hate that the back of my hand was pressed against his erection for four hours, but it's not as if he felt me up while I was telling him to stop; there wasn't even any skin to skin contact. I didn't even say anything that indicated how I felt.
I don't feel permanently damaged at all, and I most definitely won't press charges, but for future reference, did my friend sexually assault me, is it just a guy trying a bit too hard and rubbing me the wrong way?
Comments (164)
Yeah, he was trying a bit too hard. You felt uncomfortable. If you would have told him to stop and he kept doing it, it might fall into the area of sexual assault. If he tries it again, tell him you'd feel more comfortable if he put on thicker pants.
Sheesh. You could've just moved your hand away and pretended to be asleep already. Or told him clearly to stop. You were not by any means sexually assaulted.
No, you were not sexually assaulted. But you really should stop tempting him like that unless you want to be.
honestly i would have said something, even if it might have offended him, you were also offended at the same time.. but its understandable.
i dont think you were sexually assaulted but he may have just crossed some boundaries but its up to you to let him know what those boundaries are..
You had complete control of that situation and could have easily spoken out and constantly cuddling usually leads to other things, I mean doesn't it ?
It might be considered to be assault to some, but since there's no proof besides your memories, it would be difficult to win an assault case.
Maybe if you stopped pushing the line--e.g., all but sleeping with him (or maybe you're doing that, too)--he wouldn't feel like it was acceptable. Then again, maybe he's a disturbing creep.
Well it's hardly his fault if you think about it. You practically gave him every sign saying it's ok. You need to gain control of yourself and put a stop to things you don't like no matter WHOSE feelings you hurt. That's totally besides the point when it comes to your boundaries.
You didn't say no and didn't pull away.
If you've been "cuddling" with him for months and you didn't immediately pull your hand away or say anything about how you felt, then he probably didn't know how you felt about it.
Maybe he even just thought you were being shy, and that's why you didn't want to touch him.
You need to be CLEAR about what you don't want, because honestly most guys will push limits all of the time because it's pretty rare for a girl to make the first move.
Next time - Say no. Or move away from him. Or get up and leave.
But NO, you were absolutely not sexually assaulted.
I don't think that was sexual assault. You could have easily moved away. e_e
If it were me, I'd just move away and tell him something.
First of all, was he asleep when this was going on because if so, he could have no way of knowing what happened. If he was awake, you should have said something to let him know you weren't comfortable with it. He's your friend and you're hanging out with him, if you're not comfortable enough to tell him when you're feeling a little pressured to do something you don't want to do, then you shouldn't be friends with him or atleast not hanging out with him one-on-one. You need to be able to trust your friends and be able to tell them what's going on. As someone who has been sexually assaulted/abused in my past and someone who has had things happen to me similar to what you're explaining, but it's not sexual assault. There's a difference between a guy being a guy, especially if you don't tell him no because they tend to think we're trying to play hard to get, and sexual assault. No matter how small, sexual assault makes you feel violated and it has serious, long term, ramifications. How long ago did this happen?
In my opinion, I think - if he was awake - chances are he thought you were playing hard to get as so many guys believe us girls do 24/7. They've gotten in it in their heads that we really want it, even when we pretend like we don't.
I'm in no way saying that what happened was nothing, I am saying we need more information to be able to figure exactly what IS happening. One of the reasons I'm hesitant to say it could be sexual assault is while you feel your personal space has been invaded, I'm sure, you said that you don't feel like it's affected you in the long term. Even the slightest of sexual assault/abuse has a way of scarring you in the long run and you can feel it from the time of the incident, on.
I think not. Just don't do anymore sleepovers at his place.
I don't know but my guy sometimes.. while he's asleep, would put my hand on his brotha. He just like the feel of it. And sometimes, he don't even recall what he did when I tell him about it in the mornings.
Not assult - you could have stepped out of this situation. I would not like to completely write it off as your fault, because I get a feeling there's more to this situation. However... from the limited details of your post, while it made you uncomfortable, he wasn't holding you in a stanglehold or with a gun to your head - you didn't say you were worried about your physical safety if you left. You may feel violated and he shouldn't have allowed what he did - but you should've showed more spine. Who cares if the guy suffered from depression? You are not his savior.
I don't think it was sexual assault. He tried. You didn't respond and he gave up. I would stop cuddling with him if you don't have those intentions. And if that does happen again, for whatever reason, say "stop, you're making me uncomfortable" and get up.Â
It certainly fits with my definition of what I understand sexual assault to be: any form of unwanted sexual act. If you feel like you were violated, then I would consider it sexual assault... even though you didn't say anything. Is it still rape if a victim is too freaked out to tell her attacker to stop? Of course it is. This case isn't quite as extreme, but you get the picture.
Still, you should say something. Otherwise, you may find yourself in the same situation again.
Yeah, no more sleep overs. And the next time you're uncomfortable around him or any other guy, say so.
It was definitely out of place for him to pull that on your because you're his friend. Let him know that. But don't start telling the other girls you were assulted, for his sake and yours.
you put yourself in that situation by a) not pulling away and b) not saying something. you probably didn't feel as uncomfortable as you're making it sound because if you did, you definitely would've moved.
nope.
not an assault.
you most definitellyy asked for it.
In a legal sense, if you felt violated then you could press for assault. Sexual assault is generally from the point of the person who feels assaulted/violated.
In a personal sense? It definitely doesn't sound like it! Boys will be boys....
if he was asleep, then he might have just pulled you close and not realized what he was doing.
if he was awake, it was sexual assault. people saying it's not... it's blame-the-victim mentality. she set ground rules, and yeah, she put herself in that situation, but it was clear she didn't want that to happen.
i would say no more sleepovers!
No I don't think that would count as sexual assault.. he didn't exactly assault/harm you in anyway sexually.. right? :\
But I have a question, would it be considered sexual assault/rape if he forces sex on you while you're half asleep even when you told him NO, hours prior to that?
first of all, don't climb in bed with a guy you have no intention of having sex with, and second you were not assaulted, just uncomfortable. Believe me, I once was a victim at the age of 10....
"I didn't want to accidentally move my hand more into it and make him think I was giving him the green light, but at the same time it would be painfully obvious if I moved my hand away. "
Actually, from the guy's point of view, that would be a sort of green light.  He was just feeling the situation and seeing how you reacted.  Unlike TV, you probably wouldn't freak out (which actually doesn't happen I think... from my own experience of being felt up by my "friend" (who is a male >_>).
Unfortunately, you kinda moved slightly away and then later put your hand back down to the offending area - as if you thought it over and was interested. Â Wheras in my experience I moved awayyyyy far awayyyy and then whenever we ran into each other I spoke to him awkwardly. Â Yes, I shoulda punched him in the face, but all in good fun, who doesn't like being wanted
Anyways, don't sleep over... unless you are interested in doing physical with this guy. Â Otherwise, you can have a little awkward talk with him and say, you were confused and didn't know what to do in the situation and that you are not interested in "that" with him. Â After that, break contact for a while, because he will still feel the horniness pour vous.
wait... did he have an erection for FOUR hours while you lay there? are you sure it was his penis?
anyway, this is nothing near "assault" and laying in bed with a guy is kind of asking for it. let him know you don't like it if it happens again.@QtheMusic@xanga -Â
poor guy eh? musta blueballed like crazy. ouchÂ