I'm beginning to feel that the levels of commitment and responsibility in this relationship are off-balance. Perhaps I'm crazy, but I feel like he's taking things way too lightly and we're both going to get screwed by this unless something major changes immediately, if not sooner.
The situation: Two months ago, my longtime boyfriend moved back to Florida to try to get a job at his old college due to some complications that put us in an awkward position here in Virginia. It was, in theory, a temporary move to test the waters and see if it would be better for us to move back permanently. Now we're down to the wire; he's supposed to be signing a lease this week, then coming up with my grandfather to move a truckload of our life to the new place. In this timeframe, he's managed to obtain one part-time job that just barely pays the same as what he was making up here. I have not been able to get any solid job offers down there, yet he had me put in my two weeks at my job here. He expects me to leave this job and commit to a second lease just so he can go back to living somewhere he likes and being allowed to drive (his driving privileges were suspended in VA over a bogus ticket) because he thinks "we'll be happier here".
I think A) after two and a half years, such a major leap deserves an upgrade in relationship status, as this is not only a commitment to a new apartment and a new city, but to a life together for at least the lease term; and B) he should be supportive if I say it would make me more comfortable to stay here with my current job until either he gets something full-time, or I find something equivalent to my current job, to ensure we can stay on top of our bills.
Bottom line: Is my boyfriend being irresponsible and inconsiderate, or am I expecting way too much out of another twenty-something-year-old because my standards are too high?
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Comments (36)
he is definitely not thinking things through and being pretty irresponsible... especially with the state of the economy, it's going to be difficult finding another decent job in a whole new place. you're basically gambling with your future.
seriously, things can be so much worse than being suspended from driving. give me a break.
He's not thinking things through, and things are going to be difficult if you follow what he's set up. It's not too late to take some of it back temporarily, right? I sure hope not.
(I'm also a twenty-something. I'm 23...and no way could I afford leaving one job without having another lined up...)
Both. Your boyfriend IS being inconsiderate and irresponsible, and since he's a twenty something, I woudln't have expected anything less.
I would be wary, here. He's trying to make you do something he wants you to do. But my question is this: have you talked to him about it? If not, how should he know what your concerns are? Men aren't mindreaders, much as we want them to be (it'd sure make it easier if they'd learn how). But if you've told him and he's still pushing, then that's kind of a red flag, especially with the job situation you guys are in. Either way, discuss it with him again (or for the first time) and see what happens. You're part of this relationship, too, after all. You deserve a say.
-Katie
Don't leave your current job without having a new one lined up. It's much easier to find a new job if you're already employed. The worst thing you could do is quit without having a new job.
@akatiegirl - I agree, if you have talked to him about your concerns and he's still pushing then this is a huge red flag.
You're definitely not crazy for feeling the way you feel. He's expecting A LOT from you and he really does need to take your perspective on things in consideration before you guys make such a drastic change in lifestyle. I think you two should really talk things through some more and settle on a happy medium between you two before making such a big decision. Perhaps getting others involved with your decision making can help out as well (i.e. close friends, family).
I hope you two have talked this through before, because it's a pretty big thing for him to be asking of you. He can't just expect it from you if he hasn't been showing enough in return.
Try to talk to him about it. If he just brushes it aside and doesn't think this is serious, or is being inconsiderate, tell him he's being inconsiderate (in a CALM tone, please try to). If he still doesn't get it... you might need to rethink about your relationship. It's not the end of the world, but you might need to simply hold your ground and let him know that he needs to respect you and your decisions. Hopefully then he will get the message.
Your boyfriend is being irresponsible. It's such a bad idea to move to another state without finding a full-time, permanent job. And you are not expecting too much of him. At twenty-something he should be mature enough to understand this.
I think you're both expecting a lot. You said going to Florida was "to test the waters and see if it would be better for us to move back permanently." Obviously he thinks it's better to stay in Florida, you think it's better to stay in VA. I don't see how he's being irresponsible. But I'm also pretty tired, so I may be missing something XD.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - have to agree with the first part, but hold the phone on the second....i think irresponsibility can happen at any age, not just because someone is twenty-something.
what he is asking you to do is a huge gamble, one that i, personally, wouldn't take. you don't want to end up in financial straights just so he can be "more comfortable" in a place that he wants to be in, that you may not.
"...he had me put in my two weeks at my job here."
Why are you letting him make your decisions for you?
Unless you are planning to tie the knot, and within a couple of years, i don't see the reason for you to uproot your life.
good luck :\
If you two aren't married .... you should talk this out with your boyfriend. This is such a huge change and you'll be away from your job .... that seems like a decent one.
The ticket isn't really a good enough reason to leave. It doesn't sound like he has really thought this thru.
Before I would leave with a boyfriend though .... I'd make sure there was some kind of commitment. I mean, because what if you two break up afterward the move ... yet there is no money for you to move back??? That'd suck! I read you feel the same way about this ... and that is a GOOD thing!!! Trust me!
do NOT quit your job!!!
I think you need to stay where your at and take care of your stuff, continue working and getting yourself together. your still young and if he cant respect your wishes then to bad. but at least u will be with a job and making your own. sounds to me he dont got his stuff together, if he is getting paid less why is he continuing on moving anyways its not making sense and it sounds like he is moving for the wrong reason and if i was you i wouldnt get involved. its one thing if yall was married then you wouldnt have a choice but sense yall just boyfriend and girlfriend u dont have to do anything you dont want to do. Just tell him to worry about him and you will take care of you cuz your going to be assed out if you go. HOPE THINGS WORK OUT...GOODLUCK!!!!!!
I think its a little bit of both. You'd be amazed how much i find out about my boyfriend after having dated him a total of 7 years. i think you just need to express your feelings and look for a happy medium if it exists. Good luck! My heart goes out to you!
I think you've got some pretty reasonable expectations. Relationship or not, when it comes to moving -- You have to be responsible about it. It doesn't seem like he's really thinking about what he's doing so much. It seems like he's jumping into it, thinking that in the end, everything will go okay. Whereas that's fine, some people need a little more reassurance about the situation. You want to know that everything will be safe and well thought out, while he's wanting to jump right in and get started.
Has he asked you your opinion of moving back? If he has, and you didn't disagree with the idea, you can't really complain when he starts setting the two of you up there. After all, communication is grand and that would have been the ideal time to state your distaste to the idea. If he hasn't asked, well.. inconsiderate? Indeed.
When I read this post, it made me think of the four main temperament types. So, yeah, I think you have different temperaments -- which is why I pointed out the thing of you wanting to not jump right into it. He might not understand that you prefer to go "safely" about things. Have you talked to him about that? If you've explained it to him and he claims to understand, I do agree that there should be a jump in the relationship.. because different personality types or not, you're still taking a leap by quitting your job and all of that.
you seem like you got a good head on your shoulders. It is definitely a good idea to be prepared for such a major change in your life. I hope your boyfriend will be able to see your perspective and sit down with you to really plan this whole thing out.
@BranmacFeabhail@xanga - Oh, I absolutely agree. But considering how a LOT of people make it into their 30's and 40's without growing up, expecting mature behavior out of a twenty-something would be a mistake, in my opinion (and speaking as a twenty-something).
definitely irresponsible...a relationship is between two people and they only work well when both people are equals..sounds like he's running all over you.
inconsiderate! how can he make you put in your two week's notice? that should be a decision that only you make
Only you can make the decision to resign from your job, sign another lease, and move in with him. Apparently, you two are not married so do what's best for YOU. If you both were married, yeah, that's understandable, but you guys aren't.
He is being inconsiderate and irresponsible of your feelings. Talk it out and do what's best for both of you if not you.
Good luck.
Where is everybody's sense of adventure around here? It's great to be cool headed and worried about your financial future, but seriously, not one person I've read willing to just offer up the idea that you run with it and see what the hell happens? Seems everybody's afraid to experiment now, even.Â
I don't think it really matters what his age is. If he wants to live somewhere else and drag you along with him, he should have thought of the repercussions. I think a 20-something year old is capable of planning; that's what several college courses teach. Talk to him and gauge how far he's gotten regarding the future. It's your life too, so make sure he knows it.
It is a little irresponsible of him, but that's not what I want to say here. What I want to ask is, "how important is this relationship to you?" Of course you shouldn't let him manipulate you, but if it is important enough to you, even if you stay behind for a little bit, the two of you should have a mutual agreement that it is not going to be long term. I got into a long distance relationship after I graduated from school, and even though we both thought we could do it, we didn't make it. And we were together for over 2 years....Just last night, my ex told me, "I wish you stayed." and it totally crushed me.
Guys are not very good with expressing themselves...so by him asking you to move with him, he wants you in his life. He didn't use the smart approach and obviously didn't think things through, but you should know that he cares about you, and if you care about him, think hard, and tell him that you can't do it now, but you WILL move as soon as some sort of stability is obtained. Please don't put yourself in a situation where you'll regret your decision...
I understand your point about wanting to stay where you are right now to make the transition to a new city easier. However, I wouldn't call what he is doing irresponsible or inconsiderate. Guys are generally more optimistic than girls. They tend to see a rosier picture than girls. Your boyfriend's optimism makes him somehow believe that you will soon get a job once you move to Florida. But your pessimism (not that I'm saying you are a pessimistic person, it's just in relative to his optimism) makes you want to be more cautious. It's just a difference between male and female, and there is nothing like open communication that can smooth over those differences! =)
Talk to him, make him see how you feel. I'm sure you guys can work things now.
Good luck with your move!
I'm going to go with irresponsible and inconsiderate here. Although if you didn't want to put in your two-weeks notice, you shouldn't have. Stand up for yourself, or you'll end up in debt. The job market is bad right now, quitting without another job lined up is risky.