Sunday, 01 March 2009
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I'm Coming to Terms with My GF's Past
My girlfriend and I have been going out for ten months now, and I couldn't be happier...she is a great girl and I love her to death. She recently told me about her past. She told me that she has had sex twice, but the second time shortly in, she cut it short and decided she didn't want to make love to her second partner. What I have a problem with is how she lost her virginity.
She ended up losing her virginity when she was 16 at a party - she was a little intoxicated and made a decision she was not very proud of...she lost her virginity away from the party on the side of another house.
We are now 19 and she's only had sex those two times before me. I just find it hard seeing her doing something like that because I see the girl she is now, and that's not like her - even she admits it.
I understand it was high school and I'm sure plenty of young girls do stuff like this - losing their virginity not like the way they pictured. I can live with the fact that she'd only had sex twice and performed oral sex four times as well...would anybody consider this a lot for a 19-year-old or make a big deal out of this? How can I learn to accept what she's told me about her past?
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- From: jaydeezy
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Comments (141)
we all make dumb mistakes when we're a kid. what you should be relieved of is to hear that she is no longer that person she was 3 years ago and has found someone to commit to a relationship with.
you can't really expect her to lose her virginity "appropriately" when u guys weren't even dating. it's a burden she has to live with..not you.
If you like her just the way she is right now, then don't worry about her past!
OMG get a grip, her past is her past so leave it there. there is nothing you can do or she can do to get that day back so for you to sit here and dwell on something that u can never fix is a waste of time and energy on your part. Im sure she regrets it but hey life goes on and im sure she doesnt dwell on it like you are.
Why does it matter when it all happened before you guys were together? If you obsess over her past, then it will only serve to hurt you both. It will hurt you because you will never be able to get past it to be happy with her. It will hurt her because she will not feel like she is good enought or "perfect" enough for you. Do you really want to let all that happen by obsessing over something so insignificant?
Well, according to this link the average woman has four sexual partners in her lifetime while a man has seven. I'd say that, from the females I know, that's probably a safe assumption. Usually between 2 and, possibly, 7 or so. That's just a guess on my part though. There are some women who only have one their entire life, there are some who definitely exceed 7. But if she's the average girl, four sexual partners would be "the norm" according to studies. Whether you want to count the oral sex in there or not though, is another story. That'd make six for her.
I don't think I'd make a big deal of it, simply because I wouldn't be with somebody who's had that many sexual partners. I think it's best to be with people who're on the same sexual level as you, unless you know for sure that you're able to handle them having more (or a lot less) of a sexual past than you do. In fact, I have a friend who gets really, really bothered when he finds out that his girlfriends have had more than a couple of partners. Staying on his own "level" there would help him out.
So if I was in a serious relationship and found out that the person had been with two other people before me, and had given oral sex four times before me, at the young age of 19.. I wouldn't necessarily be thrilled about it, that's the honest truth.
As for learning to accept it, hmm. I don't know much about this area, my friends aren't the most rational so I can't use that as an example. Basically, all you can do is think about it, come to terms with it, y'know? She's with you, her past is her past. You two weren't together when she done any of that, therefore it shouldn't be too big of a problem. If you two didn't even know each other, that should be kind of helpful. If you two had been together when she was 16, maybe things would have worked out differently.
If you love her, you'll be able to look over that.
try to let it go. i can see how you'd be frustrated and a little uneasy about it, but this has already taken place and you can't change it now. don't let it affect your current relationship. i've made several mistakes in my past as well and i all i want is to make my current bf happy and please him. i'm sure that's all she wants is to make you happy and for the both of you to be happy. so let it go and enjoy the person she is now.
Don't worry about it, that's not too bad of a past these days. Sounds like its something she regrets... just accept her as she is, or move on. Don't torture her with her past mistakes.
Btw, how does your past compare to hers?
It's sometimes really hard to accept your SO's past. But you have to recognize that their past is in the past and it's nothing that you or they can change. You have to do your best to move on and just look to the future with your SO.
If it's something that still bothers you, talking about it with your girlfriend may help. If you can pinpoint exactly why it bothers you, that may help you get past it, too. (e.g. if you're insecure about your sex life with her; if you were a virgin before you met her; etc.)
Well, you can't change the past. It's hard though; I can relate..ish. If she's gotten past it, then you can too.
I can understand that those facts would be at the back of your head, but I know SO many girls that have done worse things. So really, if you love the girl she is now, her past shouldn't affect your relationship. We all make mistakes.
Seriously. Not such a big deal. Really, she's golden in comparison to me, or to a few other people I know.
Not that I'm proud of my history, but I have come to grips with it, and I'm only 20.
I was never a "slut" but I've certainly done more than your lady friend has.
Past is past.
Can't really change it, can you?
2 times is a lot?
Holy fucking shit..
Now I gotta count all those absences in from first period I missed just for some cutty.
HAHAHHAHAA.
=] Don't judge her for she told you in the past
That's nothing
It's beyond normal.
Get a grip. Fuck it. And Get going.
Duuuuuuude, just get OVER it. Get her checked for STDs if you're worried about it, and if she's clean then that means there are no repercussions that involve you and you therefore have no right to hold it against her. Seriously, her past has nothing to do with you, AND that's hardly anything at all of a past compared to most girls at age 19.
Stop dwelling. You may not realize it but you're letting the cliche masculine desire, to have every woman who fucks you be a virgin, cloud your judgement, because every woman who you'll fuck is NOT going to be a virgin and you need to get over that. I'm curious as to whether you think it's okay for you to not be, though.
Plus are you actually lucky to find a 19 yr old who has had sex with two people.
If you love her, just be okay with her past. They are her past for a reason.
Xo
It's normal, actually. I actually learned that the average age for girls to lose their virginity is 14. But that's kind of an errant note.
You know her as the way she is now, and her past is something she's accepted, even if she isn't proud of it. If she's really important to you, the past should stay where it is. Just concentrate on what you have right now: a great girl who returns your sentiments. There's no use in crying over spilled milk, right? Besides, making a big deal out of the situation will only make her feel worse and want to pull away. Good luck!
I don't know if it's just me but I've never understood this sort of dilemma. My fiance has had a grand total of 10 sexual partners (not including me) and what I'm sure are countless hook-ups and make out sessions before he knew me. I, on the other hand, have done virtually nothing, other than with him. It happened before me, why should it bother me, he's not now, who he was then. I have no right to judge or be bothered by it really. I love him, I found all of this out after I fell in love with him, why should my feelings change now? I know, and am confident with how he feels about me, and feel very secure with that regardless of what went on before I was in the picture.Â
You see how she is now. You love her as she is now. Her past is just that--past. Keep focused in the present...
It can be tough, but she's not alone in her experiences.
Really, if you see how much she's changed and become a beautiful young woman as a result of/in spite of her past, then this is the person you should love and care for.
For her to open up to you about these things shows how accepting she is because of herself and how much she trusts and cares for you.
If it bothers you so much that you can only think of her as a woman far too young to be doing these things...you should talk to her. I think this is a relatively small problem and if you care for her deeply, it shouldn't be too difficult to overcome your aversion to this information
My advice is to grow a pair. You've already admitted that you are the one with the problem, not her. So maybe try looking at yourself first instead of judging someone for something they did that you had no involvement in.
You're lucky she even told you anything at all. She could have said I don't like to discuss that..and you should have been happier with that.
People make a lot of mistakes and if you can't look past this, then there's little hope for your relationship to last. You've only known her for 10 months.. wait for the next year or so. There will be a lot of things you will learn that you wish you didn't know. If you love her, you will love her for her imperfections as well.
Dude, that's nothing. GET OVER IT. When i read the title of this post, I expected you to say you found out she'd been a prostitute or something. I'd like to know, how many girls have YOU been with?
There aren't many people out there who have had sex just twice at 19 years of age.
I mean.
I've had sex 40+ times. At least.
And I'm 18.5 years old.
So don't worry.
Be happy she's only done it twice before.
=)
@nauticaloblivion@xanga - props!!!I totally agree. I dont expect my partner to never have done anything before he met me, and i expect the same in return!
It's HER past, not yours. Don't own it, and don't hold it against her. Don't keep count. Believe me, this can hurt you both for the rest of your lives, if you let it. Put it where it belongs, in HER past. It's not part of the two of you.
I have a friend, married 20 some years, whose husband is driving her absolutely crazy, now that he's in his late 40's - all of a sudden, it bothers the heck out of him that he wasn't her "first" - he's obsessing about it. It's pushing her away, and making her feel bad. It happened almost 30 years ago! She wasn't his first, either, but he doesn't think there's anything wrong with that. Where do guys get off thinking their wife has to be a virgin only for them, but it's okay if he's not for them? Huge double standard. She's with HIM, she had his children and is raising them, she chose to marry him and spend all these years with him, she's been loyal to him. His obsession with her losing her virginity to someone other than him, over 30 years ago, is destroying their relationship. It's not worth it!