I don't normally do this, but I need advice.
It's an age old dilemma: do you choose the guy who is crazy about you or the guy you're crazy about?
Let me backtrack. I have a guy I was recently involved with who is still head-over-heels in love with me. At the same time, my ex is back in the picture...(though in all honesty, I don't know if he ever
left the picture).
GUY 1: He's crazy about me - he would drive me home (eleven hours in a car!) just to spend more time with me. He often takes a glance at me and looks overwhelmed, murmuring, "God, you are beautiful. Have I ever told you that?" and you can tell he really means it when he tells me that I'm the most beautiful girl in the world to him. He would do anything for me, drive twenty minutes away at three in the morning to buy me food if he thinks I'm hungry, surprise me with a gift when he knows I'm tired, etc. He refuses to let me walk around alone when it's dark and calls me just to make sure I get back to my dormitory safely.
He's a hopeless romantic - likes giving his girl flowers, doesn't mind watching chick flicks to please her, always wants to take her out to nicer restaurants...money is not important, making me happy is. But before all the ladies reading this post swoon, let me get to the point. (And no, the catch is not that he is bad looking. He's definitely built.) The trouble is, he doesn't make me laugh.
He's so sweet, but I can predict his jokes before he even finishes them. He talks like a tool around his friends (uses totally douchey vocab and makes immature jokes). And he isn't too popular on our campus after burning bridges with some people his freshmen year (he's a junior now though, but sadly, people hold grudges). People tend to think of him as a little too self-pitying, moody, oversensitive, etc.
While he doesn't pressure me sexually, he does have a high sex drive and is always getting turned on around me, making me feel flattered and, at the same time, a bit disappointed. After witnessing his behavior post break-up, my friends and I feel he's really clingy. He follows me around on campus, moping when I tell him that he needs to at least try to detach himself from me a little. He doesn't have too many close friends and would rather spend all his time with me...still, I can't act like I haven't been tempted to get back together with him...but more on that in a second.
GUY 2: I dated him for two years starting my freshman year (I'm a senior now). He broke up with me during fall break, but we then had chemistry during spring break and almost got back together (until I decided I needed to stay single and think about things). I was convinced I would never love anyone else as much. I'm still think I'm in love. We have the most amazing chemistry ever (and I don't even mean sexually). Our humor is on the exact same wavelength. We connect well intellectually. He always keeps me guessing.
Unlike Guy 1 (who does a lot of TV watching and sports), guy 2 is really passionate about life, whether it's learning how to surf or playing the piano. He is always making his friends laugh (bonus: we are both in the same social circle, likely because we dated for so long) and is the most loyal friend anyone could ask for. I feel far more excited when talking to him. We're cute together; we have sooooooo many inside jokes and affectionate pet names for each other. When he looks at me, you can see pure affection in his eyes. And he has never pressured me to do anything physical with him.
Still....while I don't doubt that he cares a lot about me, he shows his affection quite differently from Guy 1. I don't want to discount Guy 2. When we dated, he liked celebrating each month we had together. He liked to hide little notes for me or bring me breakfast in bed. Still...I know it's not fair to compare, but he definitely won't drop everything he's doing just to come be with me. He lets me walk back to my dormitory alone, even when it's really late at night. He seems to constantly find flaws in me, whereas Guy 1 is almost opposite to an extreme - frustratingly finding me perfect. Guy 2 and I used to argue a lot; Guy 1 and I almost never argued because he just wanted to make me happy.
My mom clearly thinks Guy 1 is the better choice because she thinks he treats me better and is clearly mad about me. However, I am the type of girl that kinda likes a bit more space and time alone and with friends. I have to admit I enjoy talking with Guy 2 and being around him so much more. My mom argues that chemistry fades and thinks a guy who treats me well should be valued more than one I like being around. I think while that may be true, I also cannot fathom being with someone who doesn't excite me.
Am I foolish to be throwing away Guy 1? Guy 1 always makes sure that I feel beautiful...and as much as I like to be the proud, independent woman who insists on paying for my meals and acts tough, who doesn't like to be pampered every once in a while? At the same time, Guy 1 seems a little too into me, to the point where it scares me because I can't really reciprocate all the time (giving gifts, wanting to be together) without feeling exhausted. Guy 2 makes me happier, but while he treats me really well, he definitely lacks some of the romantic devotion of Guy 1. I'm not being spoiled, I'm just trying to figure out my needs in a relationship when I say that I wish G uy 2 would prioritize me a little more sometimes or be willing to treat me more often.
I feel like I'm willing to bend over backwards for him, and while I know he does a LOT for me, it definitely doesn't seem equal...
I know this sounds super ditzy, which is why I usually avoid venting my guy problems, but this is something I really need help with. Telling me that both sound great and I should just flip a coin is not what I'm looking for here...haha.
Hellllllllp?
Have you had this experience before? How do you choose between the guy who cares just a little too much about you and the guy that you care about?
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Comments (128)
The guy who's crazy about you.
I would choose guy 1 if it were me... but from your perspective I'd go with guy 2. Hope that helps :)
Personally, I would date guy 2. I like guys who have things going on in their own lives. Living with big dreams, getting the things they want in life, but of course you're still the one girl they love.
I don't think it's a good sign if a guy doesn't have much going on in his life so he's able to devote all his time to you. Where's the ambition? Where's the drive? I want someone whose life doesn't revolve around me and me only.
Plus, why wouldn't you go for the guy you have better chemistry with? Chemistry to me is everything. If I married a guy, I'd have to enjoy and understand at least 75% of his jokes.
Pfft.
Just pick the one with more money.
It sounds like you like guy 2 more....
Well. I do. (:Â
Yeah, I've been in that situation before, only it wasn't with exes. It was with two guys who I only known for a few weeks to a month.
Here is what I think: you are still pretty young (like me
) so finding your future husband probably isn't number 1 priority. If you are like me and you are just looking for what is going to make you the happiest right now and in the foreseeable future (like the next year or so) then you should just go with your instinct.
I know it's so hard to figure out what that is when you keep jumping back and forth, but just lay down for a little while and be calm and think about things. Then ask yourself who you want to be with. I can almost guarantee that one of the guys will come to your mind first. Choose him! Don't second guess it - DON'T analyze it - just do it. You have plenty of time and there is room for error so go with the one that is most appealing right now.
Love is by no means rational so take a chance and let your heart do some decision making for a while.
I would pick neither. I think the best thing to do when your wants and/or needs conflict it to do nothing. I'm sure that there IS a guy that is the best of BOTH and I would wait for that... but since that is not really an option I'd choose the devoted one... you can ease him into more space and activites but you can MAKE someone put you on a higher peg.
Guy 2.
Guy 1 is too into you. Relationships need to be where the partners do not depend on each other, but can lean on each other. This guy seems like he is going to suffocate you. One day you may want to leave him again if you get back with him.
I had a similar situation a few years ago (with 3 guys though, even messier). I ended up going with my Guy #2. The sweetheart, hopeless romantic one was...just that, a sweetheart and hopeless romantic, but I'd rather have a little of everything (romance, fun, friendsip, etc.) than an unbalanced man. And guess what? My Guy #2 and I are getting hitched in a few months. :)
Sure I still get aggravated when he doesn't shower me with affection whenever I want--he's not a mind-reader unfortunately--but it's impossible to stay mad when there's, like you mentioned, that true look of adoration in his eyes. Listen to your gut, it knows best in these kind of situations.
@storiesandsinker@xanga - Thank you for the laugh, fellow poster :P
But what I think is that you should maybe date guy 2 again. He has his own life, which is good for relationships, honestly.
Then again, why not date somebody newer if this is confusing you too much? Out with the old, ya know?
Here's something I'ma say.
"Follow your heart."
Is the second one worth the pain? again?
Or should you choose the first one?
But I believe, if you pick the first one...it'd be better for you because you'll try new things& let go+move on from the past..
However, in the end,
you're gonna still have it bad..
You could be with number 1. But really, you're gonna think about number 2 a lot.
In the end, I'm damn well sure you're gonna go back to number 1 cuhst hat's where your heart lays..
But if I were you, I'd take my chances..and do whatever will Make me happy.
We can't help you choose..but influence/ Maybe.
Just avoid the clingers, that disappointment never really goes away.
On the other hand, you may argue a lot with guy 2, but he seems like he's a good friend nonetheless. I would rather have that dichotomy than a guy who treats me like a queen (ALL THE TIME--can you say suffocation?)
guy 1: to be loved
guy 2: to love
would you rather be loved or to love someone?
dont need to count in the factors and stuff like that..just choose whether you wanna be loved or you wanna love
Your mom told you he's sweet to you and that's he's so obviously mad about you. Just watch out if he becomes mad, period. A clingy guy isn't easy to get rid of, and if you ever get tired of being smothered, there really isn't much hope of a clean break. And honestly, you don't need a guy to raise your self-esteem; you should be the only one who has control over that.
Guy two sounds like a great choice. It's almost like a movie or some romantic book, y'know? Two great friends with awesome chemistry love each other, end up getting married, and still feel the same way in 50 years. That's classic. Haha, sorry. That hopeless romantic side gets me sometimes.
But, right. I'm rooting for guy two to be your only partner in this race. Good luck!
I've had this same experience. One guy was super sweet but I just didn't have the same intensity for him as he had for me. Another guy was more independent but he made me go crazy for him. I went with the second guy and the more I loved him, the more his flaws seemed to melt away and the good things really shined.
You can always point out the pro's and con's between two people, but what it really comes down to is WHO you want, not WHAT you want in them.
number 2. clingy people..ugh. i broke up with my ex-bf because of clingyness. and i broke up with my ex-ex-bf because he was too distant. haha..
but you clearly sound like you're more in love with #2. why waste your time with #1? sure, he tells you you're beautiful and all. but when that stops? then what? there's nothing left.
The most important line that you wrote in that post was the following:
Guy 2 makes me happier
That's all you need to know. Â You answered your own dilemma right there.
definitely guy 2.
I only read about guy 1 and didn't even bother with guy 2. U don't have to make a choice now, take ur damn time and if it was meant to happen it will. Theres no hurry, and if u cant make up ur mind then DONT.
just looking at the tone of what you wrote, i think the answer is quite obvious isn't it? After all, what is the point of a relationship? Happiness. A relationship that does not brings you joy isn't a proper relationship.
But having said that, if you and guy 2 is getting back together, you really need to talk to him about letting you walking to your dormitory alone at night. Even as a guy, i find that unacceptable.
Oh. I already replied to this.
Choose the one that your heart is calling for and compromise on what needs to be fix in the relationship.
do you want a boyfriend or a dog?
You want your guy to have his own life too, because if you spend every waking minute with Guy 1 who is utterly besotted with you, you will get sick of him. (and the constant "romantic devotion")
Also, spending his every breath and word on odes to your perfection and beauty, and dime on gifts and activities will get mundane....eventually it won't mean anything to get a gift or hear, "You are beautiful." Hell, you've already said he bores you.
Guy 1 sounds like a potential psycho-stalker, honestly. Don't go with someone because they will dedicate their whole being to the glory of you.
Go with Guy 2 and learn to compromise.
Sounds like you already made your decision :)
Guy 1 seems nice, but if you don't love him,then don't date him, because then it's just a waste of time, spending time with someone you don't love. ]
If you still think of which person to choose, maybe another guy will come along in a later date, both nice and loving and space-giving. Then you would know that he will be the one :)