Dr. Datingish
My best friend is a bit on the...impulsive side, to say the least. For the past couple of months, I've noticed a steady decline in her ability to actually "think" about the consequences of her actions in the dating world. She's kinda sorta seeing someone right now, but I would more or less say they're f*** buddies with some feelings involved. Neither of them really knows what they want, but somehow it always comes down to sex.
She recently confided in me that she recently engaged in a one-night stand for the first time. To be quite honest, I was slightly disappointed in her and genuinely worried that this was just the beginning of something worse to come. Not only do I worry about her taking the word of a stranger, but I also feel that she's beginning to lose her self-respect. She has enough to deal with in terms of what's going on with the guy she's seeing. Now there's more added to her plate.
I don't know how to talk to her without sounding like I'm an overprotective "motherly" type of friend. But I don't want to see her get perpetually screwed over by guys that don't deserve her time. Am I being biased in my reasoning because I'm the more "conservative" out of the two of us? How should I bring this up? Or should I just let things happen and be there when she needs someone to talk to?
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Comments (18)
I think that you should just talk to your BFF if they see you as the motherly friend and overprotective then they dont deserve you. But once she's hit rock bottom she'll come running back for your help. All you really need to do is talk thats all you CAN do.
All you can really do is voice out your concern for her and see how she responds to it. For example:
"We've been friends for "x" amount of time. I really care for you as a friend and a sister (if you really do). I'm not holding judgment on how you are handling yourself with these men that you sleep with but I am concern. If there is anything that you would like to talk about, remember that I am always here for you."
Don't tell her what to do. Or what you think she should do. Leave the choice up to her and see how she handles it. If she stops, great. If she begins to have those "one night stands" again, next time you can be a little firmer with her. But since this will be the first time that you confront her (or if you do) about it, just tell her that you are concern about her being. Letting her know that there is a friend close by that she can come to when she needs someone to be there or just to listen to her.
Eh, you can not do anything to stop her. She chose it and maybe she wants to experiment while she is still young.
It's kind of a two way deal. She consented to the whole sexsexsex thing, and so did the other guy. If you think her self-esteem is low, then talk to her about that. Ask her how she's been feeling, and what is going on with all these different, physical relationships. She ultimately has to be the one to realize what she's been doing; you can't force it upon her. You can give her a slight, subtle push by initiating a conversation about the relationship she has with that guy, and see if she's really thinking about the repercussions of her actions. As her best friend, I think you have a place to "mother" her, but not control her. Even if she resents it, one day she'll realize that you're only looking out for her.
I'm the type of person who thinks it's her life, she should be able to do what she pleases. It's not like you can stop her from doing what she wants to do anyhow. But, because you are concerned, it wouldn't hurt for you to voice your opinion about it. If you don't want to randomly bring it up, just wait until you're talking about relationships, specifically hers, and voice your worries. If she wants to, she can listen to you and change what she's doing; if she doesn't, that's fine too.
She seems disturbed by her own actions when she had a one-night stand. Be there for her to reassure her of her values and morals.
If I were you, I'd let her be. It is her life after all. She can do whatever she pleases to do.
Don't feel bad, I'm in the exact same situation! From my experience, I've always been there for her whenever she needed me to confide in. But it gets to the point where you are tired of seeing this day in and day out, like seriously. I would always bite my tongue and not say anything, but I couldn't help but to tell her how I felt about her scandalous behavior. She didn't like it but I didn't care much, because I was tired of it. You gotta tell her like it is, even if she doesn't want to hear it. You are her friend too after all, and that means your opinion DOES count! It's better to be concerned than not at all. I mean, what are friends for right?! So say how you feel, you'll feel so much better in the end!
If she really is your BFF, you should feel comfortable to ask her what's up, just because you're worried about her feelings getting hurt.
Don't attack her! Whatever you do! Make sure she knows that you're just worried about her because she's important to you and you think she deserves better than what she has. Tell her that if she really is ok with everything that you won't say anything else about it but you'll be there for her if she ever changes her mind and wants to talk. She's your best friend for a reason! Pretty much all the reasons that she is that person to you are going to be the same reasons a guy should want to date her. Just make sure that she knows that you're asking out of concern for her, and if she says she doesn't have a problem with it, then be willing to accept that and just be there if she ever needs you. You seem like a great friend, just follow your gut.
Your only young once...and maybe shes using them. She obviously wants this so let it be...just be her friend and support her.
You can't control what she does, but since you're friends, she should at least value your input. Try not to sound judgmental when you talk to her, and ultimately, defer to her opinion - you'll probably have more influence than you realize. If it does fall apart, that's what friends are for, right?
well u are her fren i guess all u can do is be there for her.
@jeezshoua@xanga - This woman's advice is the exact same I would offer. You can speak your mind, but the choice is hers.
As her friend, you should say something. Make sure she knows you're speaking up because her behavior seems to be changing, not because you personally have an issue with her morality.
Tell her all of your feelings about this, totally out in the open, but only tell her once. Tell her she can take or leave your thoughts on the matter. If you tell her and she doesn't change, then try to remember that it is her life.
If you're friends, you should be able to talk to her in a non-threatening way (be careful) so that she knows how you feel. Maybe she knows that what she's doing is risky, but isn't going to change until she knows that other people know, too. ???
Share your concern...but maybe she's just looking for fun right now.
I'm in a similar situation. My best friend very compulsive. She has a
boyfriend but she's cheated on him five times (well, last time I heard,
it's probably more now), mostly with strangers. I try to tell her not
to be that way, but it's really no use. You can try talking to her but
if she doesn't listen, then don't stress about it. It's her life and
it's great that you want to help her, but sometimes you have to let
people figure things out for themselves.
You can voice out your concern and when you speak with her, don't act or voice it out in a judgmental way. Let her know you're really concerned of her health and don't want her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Tell her you'll be there for her cuz you care for her.