Before V-Day, I posted (
A Very Ex-Valentine's Day) about a situation that I found myself in with my best friend and her "break" with her boyfriend. 'Valentine's Day has come and gone (which seems to be another story in itself, but for her to tell, not me) I find my roommate being more vocally adamant about how she's "done with him" and "over him being mean".
But don't actions speak louder than words?
I know that she tells us - me, my friends and roommates - about how done with him she is. She tells us that she's aware that he's rude and mean, and that she can do better... and it seems that she's even over having a boyfriend all together (for now). But her words aren't matching up with her actions towards him.
She goes home often, for one reason or another (and she lives two hours away from school) and always sees him when she does. She sends him "I love you" texts and IMs saying how in love she is with him. She apologizes when they fight and tells him that she's trying to be a better girlfriend for him.
So what gives? Is she just putting on a front for us or is she just putting on a front with him to prolong the relationship? I feel that she might feel pressured to break up with him because she knows that we all dislike him and think that she can do better.
What would you do? Would you talk to her and let her know that you support her no matter which way she goes, even if the relationship is unhealthy?
Or would you tell her that she is being unfair to him and that she needs to realize that this is one boyfriend she needs to get away from?
Recommend
Comments (15)
i'm pretty sure she's putting up a front with you and the girls, not the boyfriend. there's just no way a girl would put herself through that (IE: driving 2 hours back home often...) if she was really "done with him"
i'd just let her do what she wants at this point. it's her life. i guess another talk with her from the friends would not hurt, but it sounds like it'll probably be a lost cause- she's probably gonna do what she wants to do at this point
I would so my utmost to get her to stay away from this guy but... in the end...a girl in love wins. I would support HER, not the potential relationship.
Make it clear that you don't think this is the right thing for her, but don't belittle her just because she's in love with a jerk. Sometimes you're blinded and sometime you can't help it.
(Besides, there's that off chance that she could be RIGHT in the end...)
Sounds like she is putting up a front with her friends. She knows you gals disapprove so wants to stay on your good side by telling you what you want to hear.
Just be her friend, no matter what she chooses. I'm sure she needs someone on her side :)
Friends often give out one point of view, one that favors their side more. What she may be telling her girlfriends are just the negative traits of her boyfriend. She probably excludes the things that keep her attached to him and the things he does for her (is he really that "mean" of a boyfriend to want to surprise her on v-day? according to your last post). I remember you saying he was borderline abusive, but do you mean he reacts that way when seriously provoked? Or that he gets physical easily? I don't know their situation too well, every couple has ups and downs, sometimes all the friends see are the downs.
This girl sounds deeply attached to him. Tell her to stop fronting and that you'll support her even though you don't like him (this may give her incentive to be honest with you from now on). But if he really is a terrible, abusive guy, advise her strongly that he's just not right for her.
Maybe when she's with you guys and NOT with her man, she feels like "she's done with him" all and for good. But when she sees him again, well, clearly.. it brings the sparks back up.
Obviously, she is putting up a font for you guys (as her friends who all agreed she can do better) and does not want you guys to know she can't leave him..yet! I would confront her about it and support her neither way she chose to go.
At the end, it's ultimately her choice to be with him or not.
Holy goshness! I've gotta tell ya, it's annoying!! They fight for every stupid little thing, then she says, "You know, we haven't fought for a while haha I just noticed that."
"Have you guys fought yet?"
"...No..."
"Oh but it's only been like what...?2 weeks?"
"...A month"
"Oh, well then just wait. HAHA trust me just wait. Then you're going to get crazy jelous! HAHA"
Goodness it feels good to vent!! Ugh.
So anyway
...Just let her do her crap. She WILL NOT TAKE your advice. Just chew it. Then when you're not looking she'll spit it out. Don't waste your time anymore. You've done your fair share as a friend. She doesn't wanna listen? Oh well. It's on her now...Just don't take dating advice from her and you'll be alright. 
she is the only person she is going to listen to now. you have to let her work herself out of this one--sounds like you and your friends have already said everything there is to say to her.
She's putting up a front. As terrible as it is, I've done the same thing (which I now regret), but she is definitely exhibiting the exact behaviors that I did.
She is definitely not over him, but knows that that's not what everyone else wants to hear, so out of loyalty to her friends, she tells them what they do want to hear.
My roomies and I were all on a swim team, so we drove to morning practices together every day. I went so far as to wait until my they went to bed, sneak over to sleep at my ex's house and wake up at 5 15 to make it back before they woke up and found that I was gone. They eventually caught me and all hell broke loose, but yah.. it's a front. Long story short.
@jeezshoua@xanga - Agreed. I think girls (and guys) tend to feel stronger when they're not around their exes. Then suddenly the ex is back in the picture and they can't themselves!
She's just putting up a front, she doesn't want to admit that she's helplessly in love (or merely infatuated with seeing this guy). Voice your opinion clearly that this guy is bad news, or maybe she'll realize it the hard way...
She's probably not ready to be alone, yet. And while it's horrible to be in such a stage with such a cruel boyfriend, this is yet another lesson she has to learn on her own. You can express your disapproval, but not to the extent that causes her to hide things from you. As a friend, I think you should give her your support, but let her know you definitely do not like her current choice of a boyfriend.
There isn't really anything you can do to stop her from going back to him. The only thing you really can do for her right now is she her your unconditional support even if you think the relationship is unhealthy for her. I'm sure she appreciates you telling her how feel about her relationship because it means you care about her and don't want her to get hurt and what not, but after saying your piece about it you have to let her make her own decision and respect it and what not. Pray for her. Prayer changes things.
"Or would you tell her that she is being unfair to him and that she needs to realize that this is one boyfriend she needs to get away from?"
I must say, amen! That is pretty much what I would tell her. If she's uberly sensitive, I'd try to find a nicer, prettier way of saying it.. But that's the honest-to-goodness truth. Let her know that you understand that she may feel like she has to put on a front for one side or the other. That you care for her, no matter what decision she makes, to leave him or to stay with him for a while.. But while you support her, you don't need to support her decision. Let her know the decision she SOULD make, and the reasons why. And pray for her. Seriously.
Let us know how this turns out, please.
Wishing the best for your friend,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
@linguistic_nonsense@xanga - Agreed, I think. U would change the supporting part, though. Support the girl, of course! But you don't have to support the decision, in essence. And always respect the person. :) And yes, prayer is powerful! MissFox, know I'm praying for her. And please, keep us updated when she decides.
<3, ~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
Do you know me or something? I was in her situation a little while ago, and it really bothered me that most of my friends thought I was too good for him. I started to get distant with a lot of them, and I didn't feel like they were there for me when we broke up because they thought it was a good thing, while I was heartbroken.
In my opinion, unless he is abusing her there is no reason for you to have an opinion about her relationship. Maybe you don't see who he is to her and that's the part of him she loves, not the part you see. If you try to break her up then you will lose her because he's not asking her to give up her friends, you're asking her to give him up and that makes you look bad.
If she wants to date him then she will be happiest if you are happy for her too, and if you think it will end then the best thing you can do is be there for her when it does.
I have a cousin (also a close friend) who is EXACTLY the same. I have given up trying to talk to her because it's her choice. I do support HER as an individual but NOT the relationship at all. I know it's so hard to be on the sideline watching her go through it all but what can you do? Nothing but pray for her.