Wednesday, 25 February 2009
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We Kinda Broke Up But I Think He's Got The Upper Hand
My boyfriend of a year and a half and I broke up Monday night...it was NOT a pretty breakup, to say the least. We just had a lot of problems communicating our issues to each other, and I'm not as affectionate as he would like me to be. I also don't always like to hang out with his friends. I have my reasons...anyway, we both didn't want it to end, and we broke down. I've NEVER seen anyone as upset as he was that night. I don't really want to go into details about it, so I won't, but needless to say, it was terrible.We talked last night after the dust had cleared a little and decided that we aren't going to be together for the time being, but I was going to have to prove myself and that I really wanted to be with him; in other words, I need to be more affectionate, and I need to hang out with him and his friends more. After he feels like I'm holding up my end of everything, we're going to be together again. If this wasn't confusing enough, we then ended up having sex.
I feel a lot better today after having talked to him. I'm gonna try very hard to save us, and his deal wa s very generous. However, I'm confused about where we stand. If we're not dating, but spending time together and having sex, then what are we? Is it a good idea? Could someone please try to help me clarify this?
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- From: Bubbles1088
- Name: Krista
- About Me: I'm just a silly girl trying to get through college. :)
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Comments (56)
Wait, so what is HE going to do to try and save the relationship?
I hope it works out well :)
Friends with benefits.. trying to work things out?
Beats me. You should talk to him. And have him clarify what you two are. Or if you two are even allow to see and casually date others? Or are you two on a break, trying to work things out, but at the same time.. still together? Whoa. Headaches.
I think over all, you shouldn't be someone you aren't to be with someone. He can either accept it or learn how to communicate and compromised and balance it out in some sort of way.
It just can't be his way and no one's way. He should also consider your feelings and allow you to be truthful to yourself at least.
Compromise. Why do something if you don't want to like hanging out with his friends?
Make him do something for you that he isn't fond of.
My opinion i think yall mines well be together if yall spending time together and having sex. Seems to me that you or him wants the title but just be a fling to each other...goodluck with that.
well... Why dont you ask him why you two cant still be together, you try and compromise and if he feels you havent tried enough, then breaks up with you for good. Otherwise, why should you be chasing a guy and feel commitment to him, if he pretty much has the freedom to go chasing other girls. He might just be giving you false hopes. It doesnt seem like he is trying to keep you together, did he even give you any kind of warning that he felt that way?
the same thing happened to me and my boyfriend of a year and plus.
new years eve everything just went wrong.
i have a hard time talking about my feelings and i'd been trying. but i guess it didn't look like it. just some issues.
we got back together 6 days later and he feels he was too rush with just ending things when we could have fixed them.
and i have faith you and him will work things out.
good luck. i'm here if you need me. on xxanga i mean :P
How much more affectionate does he want you to be, by the means of having sex? What more does he want?
A relationship is a two-way deal. Not just one. He has to put forth effort in some way. Don't be the only one doing something, because you will soon realize that it will look like you're the only one trying, and that will frustrate you. Think about some things you would like him to improve on, and add on to this little 'deal' of yours.
Good luck.
Sex never simplifies anything. If you're confused, I think sex will only make things more confusing.
FWB
Ah, I think I know what he's getting at. He's saying that if you prove yourself, you two can be together; therefore right now is probably a time where you are technically together, but he's not going to put that name on it. He's not going to call you his girlfriend and be in the relationship in a definite way until he knows that you're willing to do so and so to save the relationship.
I think it's a really good idea that the two of you are trying, but I think it was stupid for you two to go and have sex. I can't say it's bad, but if he's saying that he won't say the two of are "together" for the time being, sex should be out of the equation too.
Other people have brought up the friends with benefits thing; maybe he's going for that momentarily. Really though, are you the only one who done things wrong in the relationship? If he wasn't perfect either, this should be a time for him to go the extra mile too. It sounds kind of off that he's having you do all sorts of stuff to "gain him back" basically, while he does nothing.
fuck buddieess.
relationships are complicated but i went through a similar issue. my boyfriend wanted me to be more affectionate and everyone told me he should accept me for me. in the end he realized that all the little things i did had already proven that i loved him. when he understood that i became more affectionate because he accepted me. it takes two to fix it.
I went through a very long period of this with my current boyfriend.
Not because I wasn't affectionate enough, but he just didn't want to be 'tied down.' It was a very hard time in my life for me, and I questioned everything, and everyone he hung out with.
I would say, if you're going to go down this road, that you make sure that he isn't seeing anyone else, even if he is in love with you. And likewise with you. When other people get mixed it, you might as well rip your heart out now and throw it in a blender.
And if he's making you do something to be worthy of relinquishing the title, what's he doing? Relationships don't hit rough spots solely because of one of the person's doings.
This is the PERFECT companion to the blog I once wrote actually.
No more sex. Just be there when you need each other, I guess. It's easy to change, but if one can't get throuh the head that a breakup means no sex or nothing, then I guess the situation is he just misses you, or even HE doesn't realize that the relationship and breaking up, requires keeping your nut out of her blots.
Someone else is better off with the love you have now, and same for him.
friends with benefits? -who broke up with who? And what is he willing to do to try and get you back? :D
this is a bad idea. what is he doing to fix things? why is the pressure all on you?
i've been there, done that and gotten extremely hurt by it. No more sex - it complicates things and feelings.....I'd give each other some space. see how you feel after a week or two apart. then decide if it's worth it to jump through hoops to "mkae it work"
good luck..
@ShyxAlikat17@xanga - Hmm. That's a good way to resolve the issue.
I have a similar issue, except I'm the one that's more affectionate than him. If he's feeling how I am, it's mainly that the touch of you is probably how he expresses his love to you (aside from the sex). And you show it another way. It takes two to tango, so I say talk to him and reach a compromise. Perhaps he can cut back on his affectionate ways, and you can give a little more to him to reassure him you still love him. Both of you sound like you're on extreme opposites of the spectrum, so if you hit the happy medium, it'll work.
Good luck.
Sounds like what ex-gf did to me for over 2 years. My advice, either make a clean break (no talking, seeing each other or sex) for however long you decide to not be together. Or stick together and work through it. The "not together but still acting like we're still together" just leads to pain for the one that really wants to be together.
I hate to say it but maybe he's just keeping you around until he finds someone else? Have you considered that?
After my boyfriend of a year and change ad I broke up, we went the route of "talking about fixing things" while still having a sexual relationship.
If you can't separate emotions and sex, this situation will probably not work out very well. In my case, I was so consumed with doing anything to get this boy back into a relationship with me that I helped him cheat on three other girls who he was in "relationships" with. While the foundations of none of his other relationships were very strong (which is why it was so easy to get him to cheat), it only made the cracks in our relationship even deeper. I continued to have relations with him up until both of us entered our current relationships (with other people, of course)...and nothing between the two of us ever got fixed (there are still a lot of unresolved issues between the two of us).
In my opinion, if I was in your situation (and knew what I do know now), I'd stop having sex with him and try giving real, honest communication a chance. The two of you having sex isn't proving anything other than he can have a physical/mental hold over you without actually being in a relationship. If he wants you to "prove" your affection for him, I'd go the route of being there for him through the thick and thin without resorting to sex or hooking up as a coping technique.
You're obviously not 'as affectionate' as he'd like for you to be for a reason. Either you're just not that into him or that's just how you are. Some people show their love/affection in other ways. If you want to change, do it for you...not for him. And what will he be doing to save the relationship or was it all your fault?
PLUS sex complicates things. It's true the saying, 'why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free'. If you're sleeping with him when you guys aren't in a committed relationship, why would he ever want to get back with you even if you decide to start being more affectionate and hang out with HIS friends more? He'll just have the sex, your affection, and the time with you...without having to really be committed to you.
Here's a tip: Instead of having sex with him, talk to him. It will probably get you headed in the right direction.
If you think that what he wants from you is something you're not willing to change, then it's best to give up. If you guys aren't dating, then you shouldn't be spending so much time together and having sex. Simple as that. I say take a break (a COMPLETE break) that will allow both of you to analyze things individually. Right now it sounds like you two are nothing but f*ck buddies, which isn't really solving the issue that broke you two up in the first place.
probably not the bet idea. salvage the relationship before the sex.
Different circumstances.. but kind of the same thing. He broke it off with me and eventually started dating someone else (LDR..stupid), and I also started seeing (not really dating) someone else, all the while hooking up with and spending time with each other. He eventually got so fed up with this other girl that he thought he wanted that he realized he really wanted to be with me. It was an incredibly messed up situation but in the end we both learned a lot and realized we were right for each other in the end. We learned where to compromise with each other.
Maybe you're both just confused about what exactly you need and want out of the relationship. Talk about BOTH of your needs, not just his. Not actually being 'boyfriend/girlfriend' takes some of the pressure off and gives you both room to explore. Spend more time with your girlfriends and make sure that what he's asking of you is something that you actually want in a relationship.
Stealing a line from Friends, or at least an idea.
Wait a minute let me clarify. He broke up with you, got to have sex with you and will get to for future times, and got you to believe that you two are not together anymore so you can technically see other people (which is basically a guy's excuse to whore around, trust me I know) and then got you to think that this is a good idea? This guy is my god.
In all seriousness, there is not a in between. Either you are an exclusive couple that are taking a breather from each other or you two are two single people who can screw around with anyone. Or you are a couple that swings. Aside from that there is no in between. You pretty much gave the ok for the guy to have sex with any girl he wants and still be ok in your "relationship". Because if you make any complaints he will say that you two aren't together anymore.
I don't know all the reasons you two fought. I mean yah people fight and they have similar issues of communication and time investment. But they remain together and agree to work on those and even brainstorm ideas on activities or ways to ensure that those issues get dealt with. But you have to be pretty ballsy to break up and still pretend you two are together by fornicating and hanging out together.
I would tell him that you two are still together and this is something you two are gonna try to work out as a COUPLE.
Either you two are together or you are not. Simple as that.
Let me get this....YOU have to do the work involved in "saving" the relationship to prove that you want it, but he doesn't want to call it a relationship....AND he still wants your naked arse on his mattress.
I call this very convenient for him. Devestating for you.
He's not that into you, but he also does not want to be single without a sex life. You sound like a lovely lady who is being USED.
Drop this guy NOW (no friends, no getting together for coffee, no afternoon texting, no calling to find out how the other is....just leave it) and find someone who wants you and is thrilled to be with you, and will give you the respect you deserve.