Wednesday, 25 February 2009
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I Think I Want to Tell My BFF I Love Him
I have very few good friends, but it just so happens that my best friend is also the guy that I have had a massive crush on for the last five years (off and on). This crush actually had a hand in my ending a serious relationship I was in while crushing on my friend. Within the last year or so, this crush has turned into a slightly unhealthy case of unrequited love - or at least I think it is unrequited. We talk to each other pretty much every day online. We live about 100 miles apart, so we only see each other about once a month. He is the guy that I see myself with in the future. I want a house and a family with him, everything. I am 24, so it's really time to start talking settling down, and he is the one I want to do it with. I would drop everything for him if he asked. In my head, I love him that much.
I told him a few years ago how I felt about him, and he told me he didn't feel the same. We didn't talk for almost six months - I was devastated. And then all of a sudden we started talking again, but we never mentioned why we weren't talking for so long. It is like the big elephant in the room that we never talk about. I feel the tension almost every time we are together, but I never say anything. Lately, it seems like he maybe has feelings for me too, but it is hard to tell. Something has definitely changed with our friendship, too.
I am too afraid to tell him that I still have very deep feelings for him because if he didn't feel the same way, my world would come crashing down. I'm seriously not sure I could take it. And I am fairly certain that he is too shy to make the first move if he did feel the same way. I am pretty sure I would have to take the lead on this one.
What would you do? Would you risk everything and make the first move or hang out in the "friend zone" until you have a better idea of how he feels?
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Comments (48)
i don't have any advice for you, and i'm sorry for that, but can i just say that i absolutely adore Pon and Zi?
I think the best thing to do first is to figure out why you had the six-month separation with no communication. Once you have been able to get that monkey off your back is it time to see where the two of you are both feeling.
Depending on the outcome of the above conversation, I would say that it's on you to make the first move, especially if this guy is as shy as you say he is.
Good luck!
And as always, remember that communication is the key. Just TALK to him. If you feel that you cant do that, then the relationship is pretty much over before it can even get going...
You need to be open with him and just talk. Find out why there was silence for 6 months, and find out what he really thinks about you. Should you find out that it is unrequited love, then you'll need to find a way with yourself to deal with that, you can not make him feel the same way. So either you talk this out, or you keep things the way they are, with the elephant in the room.....
Falling for the best friend... it's happened to all of us. I came out of the end a little battered and bruised. I guess you can say that the friend zone is a dangerous zone to exit, but if you two have a very close bond I say go for it. Regardless of what people say, men and women have a very difficult time being good friends without the emotional connection.
Some of the best relationships began as friendships.
in any relationship, there must be communication. You have to tell him. I know what it feels like to have a person in your life that completes it, however the hurt of that person not being there will diminish. Time will heal your wounds and you will be able to find someone else.
The best scenario is, you tell him, he reciprocates and your lives are happy. You're not really risking anything because it sounds to me he's not even your boyfriend now. He's just a friend. Express to him how much your friendship means and then tell him you have deeper feelings.
@cmdr_keen@xanga - i agree- communication is the most important factor! :) Good luck!
do it Mr. Darcy-style. "I am madly in love with you but one word will silence me forever."
either he will say, hey i like you too, or he will say, let's never talk about that again.
UGH I do too. Only I havent gone through telling him the first time and having it be awkward for 6 months. I don't want to even risk that in the first place. So I will keep my mouth shut.
=(
Tell him how you feel.
Take a risk, sometimes the unexpected will happen.
Good Luck
<3
well you told him once and he said no, so the ball is in his court. he knows u have/had a thing for him so if he feels the same way he should tell u. If ur friendship matters, dont say anything, because maybe this time it wont recover..
Right now you should just focus on trying to figure out how he feels. but sometimes being to friendly can lead to someone thinking that person likes theem so that could be the case. In my opinion i dont think he see's u the same way because im sure he would know that u still have feelings for him and he would have brought it to your attention first. I really dont think its worth losing a friend over seems to me that u almost lost him after you told him how u felt about him. it was six months after you told him how u felt before and this time it could be forever that yall dont talk after u tel him how u feel now. i mean u have to weigh out the pro's and con's with this here and ask yourself hmmm is it worth losing a friend over? you have alot to think about hun...dont just assume he has feelins for you because thats probably not true at all. and dont rush telling him how u feel just see how he is acting towards you first before taken it there. GOODLUCK!!!!
He probably took 6 months off to let you get your feelings off him and he may have thought it would be too awkward to hang out there after. You can ask him if he likes anyone right now. But I believe if he did like you, he would have made the first move, especially when he knew you had similar feelings for him in the past. He knows he's got some possibility there.
Doesn't hurt to ask if he was seeing anyone or if he likes anyone special right now.
Do it!
Better to lose a friend than a soul mate.
I'm kind of in the same situation. I've liked my neighbor off and on since we were kids. But when I was talking about that jokingly over Christmas break, he said, "Well we've always had a thing for each other." That was news to me! And because he said that, I knew that was kind of the go-ahead to start that game of love.
Maybe next time you guys are talking about the past, bring up that time you said you liked him as a laugh and see how he reacts. You've known him for a quite a while, so I'm sure his reaction to bringing that up again would be easiest for only you to read. If you think it's a good reaction, be serious and let him know there are still feelings there. That way, you're not just coming off totally serious or pulling away from the friendly side he knows so well.
Guys these days don't want to test the waters themselves. So if you think you have to initiate things and speak first, maybe try the happy-go-lucky approach that worked for me.
I have two words for you: DO. IT.
That is exactly how my current bf and I got together. After 4 years of strong friendship, we decided to take the chance, and I seriously could not be happier.
I say talk to him though. Good luck! And if you two do start dating, just focus on your friendship as the key to your relationship. I know people question if your SO should be your best friend or not. I don't care what they say, your best friend SHOULD be your SO. So either way, give it a shot.
i agree w/ the comment that says, "its better to lose a friend than a soul mate". I think in the end, all that matters is that you told him how you've felt. What IF he's feeling the same way, (but because he's shy, he hasnt said anything) but what if he doesn't. you'll never know until you take the chance of telling him [again].
its better to say something now, than to regret not saying it at all =)
Whoa. When I first saw the title, I thought that will be kind of creepy. Telling him the three words would make him the world or make him run faster than you ever saw him.. or anyone. But besides the title itself..
I would definitely like to know what happened to him after you told him the first time around and he disappeared for six months. I mean, aren't you curious? I know I am. Just casually bring it up like, "What happened to you when I told you I had feelings for you? Did you went to Mars or something? Haha." From his answer, maybe you can determine if you really do want to tell him or not.
But if you're not going to ask him about that at all, I would slowly hint it to him that I still had feelings for him. Maybe not tell him straight out because he might disappear for another six months again. Flirt with him. Compliment him. See how he responds.
Though he's the shy type, you guys chat online every day, right? Do it there. If he still don't feel the same way, tell him it's alright. At least you know and you won't waste your time.
Good luck.
I think that if he doesn't feel the same way when you tell him, talk through that as well. Say that you would deal with that and want everything to be the same as before.
You never know. His feelings might change. I can't give you an example because that is what I am going through right now, only rather than telling, I am waiting because it's only been 6 months since we're really close friends. My friend made the initiation with her boyfriend because he was too shy. She said that if she has never made the move, he would have never asked her out! And he didn't officially ask her out too. He assumed after the first kiss and started introducing her as his girlfriend. So cute!
Find out if he likes anyone right now. If you do tell him, don't expect a response from him right away. He might have to reassess his perspective of you because of this new information.
Well, see, I have no idea what "signs" you're getting that make you think the friendship has changed. Nor do I have any earthly clue what kind of "signs" he would be giving out to begin with. I don't know exactly how long you've thought the friendship felt different, either.
If you feel tension every time you're together, that could either be because he feels the same and is now nervous, or because he doesn't and is nervous that the same conversation will come up again. Either way. Or it could be just caused by you being nervous, you never know.
Honestly, you need to think of why you didn't talk for those six months. There could be a number of reasons for that one, each of them to take into consideration.
If I were you, I would have gotten over it a long time ago after he first told me he didn't feel the same. If someone kept coming at me every few years with a, "I really feel something for you." statement, I'd feel odd. Especially if they were already imagining kids when I wasn't even imagining more than a friendship.
The best that anyone can say is go for it. Try it. Just don't go at him in a weird way. Make it clear that if he's not interested, that's okay - you won't hate him - and that you'd appreciate communication to not stop for a long period of time this round. It's better to try than to not know what could have happened.
I feel your pain. But the difference is, I've never tried telling him in the first place. I think that you should wait for a while longer, since you already tried before and things didn't work out so well.
Be careful--when you're in love, every little thing that person does can be misconstrued. In other words, you might think he returns your feelings and is too shy, but there's also a chance that he thinks you're over him. I've been in cases where I've mistaken a guy's kindness as them having feelings for me, when it was nothing but them being a friend. Just look at things carefully. He's your best friend, so maybe it should be easier to tell. I would wait just a little longer, to see if there are more obvious signs. But perhaps it's best to go along with the response he gave months ago--that he doesn't feel the same way.
And I hope you don't actually plan on telling your BFF, "I love you." Those are some very strong words.
I would hesitate... unlike pretty much everyone else. I did this once and lost a friend forever. I miss him a lot, just as a friend because he was a great guy. I don't have feelings for him anymore, and I have an amazing boyfriend, but I still wish I had my friend back.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - Well said! I second everything said here. =)
Risk is part of the game for dating and finding your soulmate.
The thing is he is your best friend and it might be weird like it was last time. I think if you assured him if he didn't feel the same way still then it was ok and that you don't want your relationship to change with him. The question for you is, will it actually be ok or is that something you are just saying to comfort him in the worst case scenario.
I don't know what to suggest aside from that. Its difficult for people to say that. But if you are open to the idea. You can say a white lie and pretend you are dating someone or not even that but that you are talking to someone just to see judge his reaction. Usually for guys, at least the ones who aren't expressive of their feelings. Jealousy is the best tool to show whether or not a guy has feelings for you if he doesn't say it. I don't suggest getting too carried away with it. But next time you two are talking (IN PERSON important) mention that you are talking to someone and see how he responds to that fact. Unless he is really good at how he holds himself, guys responses, body language, way we say things usually indicates signs of jealousy or displeasure. And if it seems positive later on just say you stopped talking to that person or something. Then I dunno make a move. Good luck.