I'm not getting married anytime soon, nor am I even in a relationship. But I was thinking about some random love and relationship issues and started thinking about a particular marriage tradition that most of us probably don't think about a lot, which is when the woman changes her surname to that of her husband.
These days, a woman changing her name is merely out of tradition and to avoid confusion. But is it really necessary?
Like I said, I'm not close to getting married. But right now I'm thinking that I don't want to change my last name if I get married.
It's not for some feminist reason like "I want my own identity" (okay, maybe a tiny bit) and it's not "just in case I get divorced". I just don't feel like it's necessary. I'd have to go through that whole process of changing the name on important documents...and for what? Just because I'm married?
Families can still send cards that say "Mr. and Mrs. (husband's surname here)". I don't mind going by my husband's name unofficially, but officially I'd rather keep my own name. If I have kids, they can have my husband's last name. If someone suspects that we had the kids out of wedlock, I'll just explain to them that I decided not to change my name. Rather than avoid confusion and assumptions, I'd rather confront these issues when they come up.
What do you think? Is it okay for a woman not to change her name? Would a man feel insulted if his girlfriend/wife-to-be didn't want to adopt his last name?
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Comments (165)
I have quite a few friends that kept their maiden names, for various reasons. Their husbands had no problem with it.
I worry about the confusion to children later on but really, that's not that big of a deal.
It is okay to keep your own last name. My friend did because she was an only child as was her husband. They now have 3 children with a hyphenated last name to carry on both family's "legacy" if you will.
I feel it's okay, but I know lots of men who feel you should take their name, one friend had a guy tell her he would never marry her if she wouldn't agree to take his name.
I plan on keeping mine when I get married.
of COURSE it's okay to keep your last name! but then again i am one of those strong feminist types. my parents hyphenated and so they both and me and my brother have a hyphenated last name. that's another compromise option. but i say go for keeping your last name!
I think that I will just hyphonate.
Katie Jane Mauro-Whateverhisnameis
Works
for me. I feel like it shows my commitment to my marriage (not that not
changing your name means that you arnt committed!!) and that I am
stepping into a new stage of my life. But I would feel like I was being
sold or giving up a part of myself if I lost the name that I have had
for 17 (then it'll be 20-something) years.
Also my (adopted) kids will have both of our last names.
in buddhist tradition, women don't change their last name when they get married.
I want to switch off last names. The first born son can be his last name, if there's another boy, I want him to have my last name. girls can be either or as well :]
My mother didn't change her name after marrying my father, and that was 23 years ago. The only problems I've ever run into with it is teachers thinking that my parents are divorced (not true), people being confused with how to address her (it's not a huge deal to her if she's referred to as Mrs. K as opposed to Ms. S), and the sticky situation of my last name at birth (the hospital wanted to put her surname down as mine since she was the primary insurance holder, however she argued with the staff to give me my father's surname instead).
I think it's perfectly acceptable for a woman to retain her maiden name after marriage. Traditions seem to be getting updated, anyway, so I think that this practice is becoming more widely accepted and chosen. If a man takes offense to her wanting to retain her surname, it's not really his choice to begin with. She's her own person, perfectly capable of making her own decisions, the changing of her surname included. There's no shame with wanting to retain your pre-marriage identity.
I'm not sure and I think it's a decision I will have to make when I get married.
I think the ideal would be if everyone kept their name after marriage and sons take their dad's name while daughters take their mom's. That would be a great norm, but not one I think will catch on right away.
It's fine. My mom still kept her maiden name and my dad doesn't mind. I'll probably do the same.
I don't think it's a big deal. My personal decision would be to change it to his last name. It's just another way to show that we're one life now.
I actually like the way hispanics go about it - two surnames.... their mother's maiden and their fathers.
It is acceptable to keep your maiden name, however, your ideas may change once you're engaged.
I still haven't changed mine yet, I'm waiting until after I file my taxes to try to keep confusion to a minimum.
My family doesn't have any boys - if one of us girls doesn't keep the last name, it'll die out.
I want to keep it, and name at least one of my children (if I decide to have kids) with my surname, just to keep the family alive.
It's an interesting concept, for sure.
My fiancee is happy to take my last name, but either way I wouldn't mind - it really is up to the woman to decide, really.
One of the reasons why we're waiting until next year to marry is that Liz wants to walk across the stage to her maiden name being called, which I compeltely understand.
It'll be the same for her (hopefully) masters and doctorate degrees - if she wants the certificate and any books published via her maiden name, it's more than OK with me :)
Yea chica!!! You were featured! Go get it!
And I've already commented with something pertaining to the subject before it was even published, so kudos to me!!! =]
i kept mine. the kid has her father's. in her school a lot of the kids either have their mother's or are hyphenated. it's never been an issue. the only thing about hyphenated names is they can get really long. then there's the issue about the child getting married and having her/his own kids--then what will their surnames be should the couple opt for yet another hyphenated name? I read an article about this and some couples just pick another name entirely, one that's neither's. it can get confusing.
anyway, i kept mine because i like it. i've had it all my life. it's a symbolic act for me. it's partly because of my feminist beliefs but also because i'm proud of it. i can't imagine having another. my husband was totally cool with it. it was never an issue with him.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - this is interesting. when my daughter was born, his folks had trouble finding us in the maternity ward because they had her down with my surname. my folks had no trouble. hahaha. it was all so amusing.
Initially, I want to keep my last name. But if his last name goes well with mine and if it's nothing funky, I wouldn't mind to changing it to avoid confusion.
The hyphenated things seems cool, until you marry someone who also has a hyphenated name and then pretty soon you'll have people with Johnson-Roberts-Richardson-Coleman-Smith-Bush-Jones-Williams. Then that wouldn't be fun.
i think both should do a hyphen
like john smith marries jane jones
mr and mrs smith-jones
I'd say it depends on the guy. I view it as odd, because it seems like it'd be more of a hassle to constantly have to explain things concerning the issue of different last names, post-marriage ceremony. You know? It just screams "so much more of a hassle than just the week or so it'll take to change it officially." But yeah. If the hubby's okay with it, then fine. If he isn't, then I think you should take his name.. It's symbolic of "two becoming one". You know? Of you becoming his helper and lover and so on and so forth. Of you becoming his number one (and only) woman. :) I think it's still honorable to take on his last name.
I'm one of those girls who would like to keep my name.. I've grown quite attached to it. Haha. But yeah.. It will one day change. That's okay. :)
My mum (and all her sisters) kept their maiden names, no problem. I want to take his name for symbolical purposes.. however... I'm hyphenating my name.
My mother, oddly, asked if he was going to do the same. Now THERE'S a weird idea. I don't think I'd want my husband and I to share a hybrid name. That would be too much!
hmm.
I could actually care less about changing my name. I'd just be so happy that I would be engaged and what not to even think of all that lol. But it really would not bother me... it is tradition afterall and I would just give up my last name for his just because of all of the confusion it could cost us in the future.
I will change my name when I get married.
But my aunt never changed hers. I don't even know if she hyphenated it. Don't think so. But she and my uncle have been just fine. I don't think it bothers him. I'm sure it would bother SOME guys, but not all.
It would bother me if someone said they wanted to join their life with mine and didn't want to change their name. To me (and I don't claim to speak for every guy here) it would be the same as getting married but maintaining a separate checking account or even residence. Marriage is the act of two people becoming one. If you're truly in love you *want* to be immersed completely in the other person. Just my 2 cents.
It's fine. Why wouldn't it be? Some guys DO get upset, but not all of them do. Like any decision in a relationship, it's worth discussing.
Personally, I never thought much about it. I never much cared for my last name...but then again, IF I'm marrying someone (unlikely)...maybe neitherof us much like their last name either. It'd be funny if we decided to both take up a new last name, or they decided to take my name instead. Funny, but cool.
It's not "weird" nowadays.