The other night, my boyfriend of three years and I were talking about us and our relationship. It's a wonderful relationship; I just let my mind wander sometimes... So we got into the discussion of how he doesn't expect anything - he has absolutely NO expectations for our relationship (except for me not to cheat - he later said he hoped I was a better person than that). He only has hopes. "I don't expect to marry you," he said, "but I hope to.
Am I in the wrong, perhaps, to think that we should actually have expectations for one another? Or
am I wrong and should only hope for things instead?
Don't get me wrong, I have more hopes and dreams than most people do, but I also thought it was normal to have expectations for another, to hold someone accountable for something.
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Comments (38)
It's like they say: hope for the best, expect the worst.
It's all perspective. Some people feel that expectations are necessary while others can just go on hopes.
It seems that by saying he hopes to marry you, but doesn't expect to, he's putting a ball in your court. Maybe a ball that's not meant to be tossed back right away, but in your court nonetheless.
Perhaps by saying he doesn't have "expectations" of your relationship, what he means is that he isn't making any assumptions.
I imagine you've already drilled him, but asking him to clarify what he means by "expectations" and not having any might be a good idea.
Hopes and dreams are great. Having realistic expectations of each other is healthy, too.
expectations only lead to disappointments.
I do the same thing as your boyfriend. Some people say it is pessimistic, but i prefer not to make assumptions or have high expectations. Therefore if what I hope for does happen, I will be extremely pleased. But if something inevitable happens, I am not completely destroyed. I feel like it saves me from emotional destruction.
For the basics of a relationship (ie, treating each other with respect and etc), expectations are important. But byond that, you can only hope what you can get out of a person.
An unrealized expectation is disappointment. But a unrealized hope is just wishful thinking. It's much easier to walk away from what your hope to have than from what you expect to have.
Expecting
something to happen kinda kills the fire. It's like hey, I expect us to
get married someday, so eh... I'm not so excited about it 'cause I already see it coming.
But hoping
is something you don't know will happen but you want it to happen. The potential of it coming to play gets you excited. So you hope.
Me, I don't like hoping or expecting, because I'll get disappointed if it doesn't work out. Instead, I like to enjoy what I have now and let the future work itself out. =]
I think he doesn't want to be overbearing and he doesn't want to set himself up for disappointment. It sounds like he's been hurt before.
it's easier to hope because if it falls through it's easier to get over
Expectations are a dangerous thing. Set them too high too early and you'll always end up disappointed and not satisfied. However, like your boyfriend, you should expect your SO not to cheat or hurt you. But sometimes, you can only hope.
The main difference between hope and expectation is that one is more aggressively pursued whereas the other is passive and not pushed.
Have to agree with expectations leading to disappointment and I also sense that he's probably been hurt so he's playing it safe.....
maybe he just doesn't realize he has expectations. i think expectations just happen naturally.
He may be living on a motto of, "Whatever happens, happens. If we're meant to be, we are. But I hope we are."
Expectations can lead to disappointments, but I like it. It shows how confidence the person is, and that is sexy.
It's different for the both of you. It mostly sounds like he'd rather have hopes than expectations because when something is hoped for, the pain of not having that hope fulfilled is easier to shake off than when something expected is not received. It's like walking on eggshells with this marriage thing. I'm sure as soon as he knows that there is a 100% chance you'll be together forever, he'll expect and not hope. For this particular matter, anyway.
i'd expect from my SO what i expect from myself.
Expectations are dangerous when they don't happen. It kills you completely (in my case, anyways). Hope is much more easier to handle. If it happens, it happens. If it don't, you didn't expect it to happen.
He hopes to marry you someday but he's not promising you because, well, anything can happen.
I thought his reply of "I hope to" was really sweet.
In this context, "hope" means you don't have something yet but you're willing to work hard towards this wish.
"Expect" is more like you don't have something yet but you feel that you WILL eventually get it and you're just sitting here waiting for it to happen.
Well, it depends. It depends on what you're hoping / expecting. For instance, "I hope that we buy a nice house." compared to, "I expect that we'll buy a nice house."
Or, "I hope that we have three children." compared to, "I expect that we'll have three children."
In certain situations, expectations are fine. Such as, "I expect he'll never cheat." compared to, "I hope he'll never cheat."
Hoping for something kind of gives room to wiggle around. Such as in my first example; if you hope to get a nice house, that means that you don't necessarily need it to be happy, but it'd be nice to have. Compared to if you were to expect it, that kind of makes it to where if you don't get a nice house, it'll be a deal breaker.
In some cases, expectations are fine. With most things, though, hopes are much better to have. The problem is that most people have too many expectations, and said expectations are too high. That's why so many people come up with issues in that area. He's very right when he says it's better to hope for something.
My boyfriend and I have been together over 2 years now.
We started out with zero expectations, and slowly added on as needed.
Neither of us are the marriage type, so while I hope to spend forever with him, I don't expect him to propose to me. We're not overly romantic and energetic people, so we don't expect grand gestures on a regular basis.
People make expectations depending on what they can handle and what fits their relationship.
If neither of you are 100% ready to get married, don't get too worried yet about being committed to it.
when i think about it, i guess i just hope for things. i dont expect because you never really know. i know couples who have been together for 5+ years and have broken up. but they planned a whole life together.
so you just never know,and dont want to expect too much to be disappointed in the end.
Expectations to me are more like the basic rules of a relationship. I expect him to be faithful, I expect him to not abuse me. I hope that we'll fall in love, I hope that his mother likes me, and I hope that we get married.
I think you should to some extent.
I had a friend that just broke up with her bf bc he was doing nothing with his life and had no expectations at all..
Take it one day at a time.Â
If you have expectations and they don't happen then that leaves you upset. Just take it day by day and as he does, have hopes.I think expectations are necessary in terms of the basics, such as fidelity and respect. It's different from *expecting* someone to buy you a lavish gift for your birthday, or *expecting* someone to be willing to have sex if you love each other. It's best to get to know each other and talk things out first so that you know what to expect in the future, instead of assuming you'll get it right off the bat.
After 3 yrs. in a relationship you are entitled to have expectations. Also after 3 yrs, he should KNOW that you are a better person than "that"
Hopes are like dreams that might come true. Expectations are things that you can work toward.