Monday, 23 February 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: We're Dating But He Still Has Booty Calls
I have been dating a guy for about six months. Going into it, we weren't looking for anything serious, but we have both developed feelings for each other and whether there is a title or not, we are obviously big parts of each other's lives.
He is an admitted womanizer; I knew of him growing up and that is what I remember about him. From the first date we went on, though, he has treated me differently - refused to sleep with me until he knew there were feelings, treats me like a princess, is super supportive, listens, is eager to see me and make plans, wants to bring me as his date when he has couple-y things to do. So what's the problem? Sounds like two kids in love to you, right?
Well, he still answers booty calls on nights we're not hanging out. He has never tried to hide this fact, and will answer any questions I have about it, but I know it still happens. I'm in school and can really only spend time with him a couple of nights a week. He would never break plans with me to see someone else, never brings these girls out, but definitely has sex with them. I think it's a combination of girls that are still programmed into his phone who he calls when he's horny, and I'm sure there are girls that still call him drunk after the bars close looking for a quickie. I am not concerned that there is anything emotional with any of these girls, I just don't get it.
He's starting to say stuff like "I think I'm really ready to make you mine" and says he wants to give me 100% - but it's like he can't or something.
He is 28 and has never brought a girl home to meet his parents. He's had a girlfriend here or there, last one in college, but it wasn't a serious adult relationship. He says I am the first person he has felt this way about and isn't ready to throw the towel in. He's assured me that he wants to settle eventually and he is working on getting there - he's just not there yet.
So what on earth is he waiting for? He calls to tell me how much he appreciates having me in his life - calls me when he is on vacation or when he makes a big business deal - treats me like he is in love with me. What is the deal? He won't be exclusive until he knowsI am the one he wants to marry? Do we need to be engaged before he will cut these other chicks out of the picture? Does he have some kind of a sexual addiction? And how the F am I supposed to wrap my mind around this?
He is not perfect, but he is a good guy and has been nothing but honest with me. I understand his perspective - he's scared of falling, scared of being vulnerable, scared of getting older, scared of settling down - but how do I handle this? I do not want to give an ultimatum, but I don't know what to do! Any thoughts??
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Comments (61)
I think that at the very least you need to give this guy an ultimatum. If he's still not ready to settle for just you, maybe it's time to say your goodbyes before you get in too deep :-\
I think he's probably trying his best to get into a real 'adult relationship' so it's going to take him a lot of time to get rid of 28 years of his old habits.
So I guess he's just trying his best to be with you, he just doesn't want to be in a commited relationship until he fully knows that he is ready. Otherwise, if you guys end up together when he's not ready, he might in the long run go back to his old ways.
wow i wouldn't be able to deal with that. i wonder how he would feel if you were answering other guys's booty calls?
idk it sounds like you should talk to him about it some more, ask him why he can't give up those other girls.
Uh, do you really want to wait around while he sows his wild oats, so to speak?
If I was seeing a guy for six months, he damn well better not be answering booty calls at any time.
If you want him to stop, tell him you want to be exclusive. If he's not ready...well, who says he's ever REALLY going to be ready - you're the trophy girlfriend. He has someone to take places, someone to stand next to him with the girlfriend title, but he's not actually giving you the respect a girlfriend deserves.
If you're not cool with his booty calls, he needs to know. If he wants to commit to you, he will.
Sounds like you're letting him have his cake and eat it too, so now's the time to call in the big guns and break out my all time favorite phrase: Shit or get off the pot.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Sorry dear but it seems like he's playing you.
I think the fact that he is honest and upfront with it shows that he is a good person and not trying to hurt you or anything. He's just struggling with the idea of one person from now on and is trying to walk the line between commitment and frat boy freedom.
Since you seem to be happy otherwise, it doesn't seem like you are getting hurt in the relationship. I would wait a bit longer to talk to him. Just enjoy spending time and get some booty calls of your own and see how he reacts.
He says that he wants to settle down and give you 100% and all that, yet he has not taken any steps twoards doing so? And you think that he is being honest with you?
If he really did care about you and saw you as a part of his future, then his past (booty calls) should not be so appealing to him. I mean you guys aren't exclusive apparently, but you are together in a sense.
My advice would be an ultimatum. Tell him it's time to grow up and commit to one woman, or you will find a man who will.
28 is pretty old to still be doing this - at least that's my opinion. I think at that age you kinda gotta make up your mind with what you want, does he have an idea on when he wants to start dating exclusively and only have one girl? Sexual addiction is different from wanting to have sex with lots of women, he could just be addicted to you - of course that would just make too much sense right? I feel for you. Good luck.
wow..what the hell is wrong with you? How could you even allow to let this going on? It's just like you just found out either, you knew about it from the start. Whatever he claims to have for you is fake and a dead liar. you must be some fugly girl with low self-esteem. Wake the hell up!
Take the advice of Greg Behrendt...hes just not that into you if hes sleeping with other people=/
it's weird that he's not sleeping with you but is sleeping with them.
it sounds like he's getting the best of both worlds : a girlfriend, and mistresses.
Does he actually want a gf, or is he being pressured into it by his friends/family?
he's saying what you want to hear to keep you around.
Really?
In a relationship but sleeps with other girls?
Ask him how he'd feel if you had booty calls.
Best thing I can think of without breaking up is to talk to him about it.
Maaaaan screw this dude. . .like seriously your only fooling yourself
I would really question your standards if you're still dating a guy who's openly cheating on you. Staying with him makes it seem like you're accepting his behavior. So if he manages to be able to commit, I suspect that booty calls will easily be his medicine whenever he's unsatisfied. I wouldn't bother messing around with this guy.
28 years old and still answering booty calls...he needs to grow up.
you tolerated this for 6 months? he's 28 and behaves so childish? you should forget his ass because seriously he won't change for you despite what he tells you.
If you really think he's worth it (and seriously think about it), then my suggestion is to be patient with him. People don't usually change overnight. If he really means it when he says he wants to commit to you and he really is trying to change, give him time and be patient with him. He might to good for a while and then slip up.
Be patient, but don't be a doormat.
Be loving, but don't be naive.
And honey girl, when you've got him in bed, give it to him so good he won't want to be with anyone else!
It may come down to it that you will have to issue an ultimatum. If he's not going to settle down with you and stick with you, then he isn't going to have you period. It doesn't pay for you to get deeply into him and only realize that he's never going to settle just for you. It's not fair for you to stick around wanting him to settle and him making promises to do that but never coming through. You have better things to do besides follow empty promises and if he can't or won't give you what you're looking for, you need to look elsewhere.
Eh, I dunno. I would never get into a situation like that in the first place, but when you love a guy, you love him. The worst thing you could do at this point is to give him an ultimatum. If he feels pressured or forced, he won't really change. He might appear to change, but as soon as you guys hit a rough patch, he will go right back to his old ways. My best advice would be patience, understanding, and working really hard to show him how much you care.
Wow, this guy sounds like a straight up loser. He's totally playing you and even at 28 years old he still thinks he can have his cake and eat it too. Gross.
Oh God...is this guy for real? Having the pure girlfriend here and then having the chicks on the side who he doesn't have feelings for and calls to get a fuck? Why don't you tell him to watch some porn when he gets horny instead of getting intimate with scrags? And if he cares about you so much then he wouldn't be doing this in the first place.
Two words.
Absolutely disgusting.
You should not be putting up with this, and unfortunately you have set yourself up for failure in my opinion.
He's got his cake, and he can eat out too.
No one is going to want to give that up, ever (and if he does, he's lying) Â He will drag you on and on until you decide to not be the cat chasing the mouse anymore.
@fantasy_dreamx@xanga - AMEN!!
And to the girl who is with this guy, what the heck is YOUR problem?!?! Where is your freaking SELF-RESPECT?!?! Drop his ass.
Sounds like you both need to grow up a bit.
Any girl could do better than a guy who wants to be in a relationship with her, but is too busy screwing other girls. QUIT MAKING EXCUSES FOR HIM!! He's 28 years old. Saying he's scared is just excusing his behavior. That is how you make it okay to you. In reality, this guy is a jerk who has no respect for you. If he did, he'd drop the girls, do what most normal guys do when they are horny and single, and date you.
Hm he seems more immature and scared shitless of commitment than some undergrad guys I know. (I'm a freshman in college)
Honestly? He wants you, but he's fucking other girls? I've had one amazing boyfriend in my life so far, and he loved me more than anything. Of course he's had girls hit on him, and he's thought that other girls were attractive as well, but even if he was on the other side of the world and I would never find out if he cheated, I know he wouldn't because he was that committed to me.
Basically, the problem is that you are torn between what to believe, his man-woring action or his o so sweet words, right?
Action always speaks louder than words. In his case, his action is screaming bloody murder at you telling you to get the hell out before it's too late.
Can't you hear it?