Monday, 23 February 2009
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Online Dater: Back in the Game!
Daring Online Dater
Hey guys,After reading all of your great comments (thanks so much!), I realized that I was being a little unrealistic. I had only met two people, one of whom I really liked, so if anything, my online dating success rate was an impressive (albeit unscientific) 50%.
I was hurt by Will, and yes, some of the people on the site are discouraging, but I was giving up too soon. I went back online.
After fielding through some winners, two of whom were best friends and in all of each other's pictures, one of whom talked in great detail about his grandpa and how much he's going to like me, and one who was way too young (19), I met a relatively interesting guy named Sam. He had lived in many different cities and was currently in business school. I was apprehensive because we didn't chat that much, but we decided to meet up for coffee anyway.
There was chemistry, and he was really engaging and talkative, but there was a problem. He was open...perhaps a little too open.
We were talking about mentors, when I said I don't believe in them. Sure, there are people who are central to our development, but ultimately, I don't think anyone can really help you become who you are. He said, "Say what you will, but there was me sexually before this woman, and there was me sexually after this woman. Let me tell you! I was a whole different creature afterwards. She was 32 and I was 24... I think she used me!"
Okay, that was definitely not the kind of mentor I had in mind. I let it go...perhaps I was being a prude, and other people are more open about that stuff.
We were then talking about what motivates us, and I mentioned happiness. I asked him what makes him happiest. He said sex.
Oh dear. I told him what I remembered from a recent Dollarish entry: women actually prefer shopping. That ended things.
I did have a good time, but I knew he wasn't for me. At the end of the date, he actually said, "I really like you, but it seems you're kind of borderline". What do you say to that? I shrugged it off. He texted me Sunday, and I told him it wasn't going to work (or something along those lines). I know we only had one date, but it felt weird to just ignore him thereafter.
I guess my question is, firstly, how do you end something after just one date? Do you agree that you should tell him something, or is it irrelevant if you just met the person once? I know the way you know if a guy is interested is if he calls, and if he doesn't, you have your answer, but I felt bad ignoring a person when he has contacted me. Should I just have ignored him?
Also, my subscription will end in five days, and I'm not sure whether or not to continue with it. I know I should give it more of a try and not take things so seriously, but I think meeting a whole bunch of people you're not at all compatible with in such a short amount of time can be really discouraging. I'm afraid I'll just snap, shout out "Why, cruel world?!" and take an indefinite vacation on a deserted island where my only companions will be cocker spaniels. Actually, that would be kind of nice...
What would you do if you were in my place?
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Comments (17)
Eh, that guys was a bit too much for a first date.
The courteous thing to do if it's not going to work out, tell them, even if it's just been one date. You wouldn't like to be left hanging and ignored.
I know I should give it more of a try and not take things so seriously. Perhaps, you should listen to yourself.
It was nice that you said something back. A lot of people don't, but you were courteous, so that's a good thing.
If you must continue online dating, I'd recommend trying a different site. I mean, there are so many of them out there. Just cuz this batch of guys didn't work doesn't mean that online dating's not for you.
On the other hand, I have tried online dating myself and it's gotten me absolutely no guys worth my interest. I finally met my current boyfriend through work.
However, you should always do what's comfortable for you. Most importantly, you should really try to have some fun, and fuss so much about "Is this the guy I'll finally click with???" Just relax and be yourself. If it happens, it happens.
Since you already told him it wasn't going to work, what's the problem? Unless he's still contacting you afterward for another date or something. If he is, you can try to be friends with him until the friendship drift apart (the courteous thing to do) or just secretly hope he gets the hint and ignore him.
Even though you met a few wrong guys from it, don't get discourage. You have to meet a lot of wrong ones until you find the right one. Renew your subscription (or registered at another dating site) and play the game again. But if you're just sick of it, ah, well. I guess you have your answer there.
It takes a lot of time for some to bump into the right one. And sometimes, it only takes a click to meet them also. Be patient and see where it takes you. At the end, if you haven't found anyone, at least you know you tried.
I think it was good you responded instead of leaving him hanging. And it's definitely a plus that you know yourself enough to realize he's not going to be "the one.
I can't say I've ever tried online dating myself, but if you had one almost-success, I would say keep trying a little longer. Then again, only do that if you have a good gut feeling about it, and not just so you have more stories for us :)
You told him it isn't going to work. That is fine.
I think you should keep trying internet dating. You will get better at screening your prospective dates. I've met some great people from internet dating, many of which are now friends of mine.
i think it's the decent thing to do to respond, like you did. props for that. just cause you only met him once, doesn't make him any less of a person that deserves a response.
You did good, thats exactly how you should respond. However, if you arent liking the dating site you are on right now, try another one.
try eHarmony XD
Once again, keep the faith. Including myself, I now know three different couples that met online and are working out splendidly...wait, four different couples. Two are married, and one (myself) is a few months away from marriage. It can be worth it, but you'll have to wade through the creeps and the freaks. If you don't feel like doing that...well, then I'd suggest looking elsewhere for guys. It can be tedious and discouraging, but then you meet someone worth your time, and it makes it worth it. It also makes you very appreciative of the good guys you do meet. So, it's your choice...do what your gut tells you. I only know that it was worth it for me to keep with it.
-Katie
I think you made the right choice. I mean, who would want to fight off a sex fiend when you're looking for something profound? Besides, every thing you say might be a double entendre, and who knows what he'll do then. Haha, good luck!
Wow, that's all I can think about that guy. On the first date, after not talking much, you simply shouldn't be laying that kind of stuff out. How do you end something after just one date? What do you mean end something? It was just one date, you hadn't talked much beforehand, so what is there to end? If you've told him you two aren't right for each other, that pretty much IS ending it. Talk to him, sure, but make sure that he knows you aren't interested in anything past a possibly friendship.
Um, as for the subscription to the site, I'd say go for it. You've only met a couple of guys out of thousands, millions.
I'd take a break from dating. Spend some quality time with yourself. Remind yourself what a beautiful, wonderful, talented person you are. Then try catching some eyes and smiling in real life for a while. Reaffirm yourself before hitting the dating sites again. And once you do, be patient. Dating's like fishing. You might get a bite here and there, but if you're patient and wait, you'll catch the big kahuna!
Okay, ew. I don't like fishing. Not my best analogy.
Tell him straight up that you aren't interested because you aren't. There aren't much reason to why we like someone or why we dislike someone. We know it in our gut, unfortunately that's the best reason to follow, and whether it's superficial or egostitical you know what's right for you. The fact that he even pointed out that you're "borderline" (WTF DOES THAT REALLY MEAN??) should let you know that even HE"S not really feeling it. "I like you but..." is mutual, you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to ignore him. But instead of fixing yourself up in a childish exchange, just tell him that you're looking for someone more like yourself and he's not that. Good luck and see ya!
FIVE DAYS is still something to work with. You never know, keep that fishing line in place and go with it. Someone with a great sense of timing might bite, eh?? :D
Eh, the guy is either a sex addict and NOT an anonymous one, or he just has really bad communication skills. One thing can be said about someone who reveals too much too soon - boundary issues.
I can understand your frustration. Online dating could be tough. But you shouldn't put all your eggs in one basket. Are you also using other resource to find dates? ie, through friends, family, schools and etc. Online dating should can just be something on the side, but it's not good to use it as a main tool for dating.
''I asked him what makes him happiest. He said sex.''
lol! typical!
I'll just ignore him, for me... it is too scary and weird... I can't accept at all...
Only first date ad tell u this and that, OMG! I can't accept it.
I had ignore somebody before, its not a good thing, but better than still accept his call, reply him msn / sms....
I think the polite thing to do is just text him straight that you're not interested and thank you for the date. after that if he keeps contacting you then you have every right to ignore him.
I am trying online dating myself and I got another month to go...but I think I can say for sure that I know it's not for me. I simply don't know how to navigate my way online.