Sunday, 22 February 2009
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A Guy Who Treats Me Well Or A Guy Closeby?
Lately I've been in a huge dilemma. I'm young (17) and I met a guy on vacation last year; we hung out, had a fun weekend and have always talked nonstop as friends. We've also seen each other a few times since vacation, but he lives about 300 miles away. I never really thought anything of it - he's 20 now, in college, and lives too far away. I always figured he was too old, too far away and too good looking, so I didn't bother liking him. I kept myself free from falling for someone I knew I couldn't have. Over the past few months, though, we've been talking even more than usual. Meanwhile, I tell him everything; we're very close. I met a boy a few months ago that I've been with, but he pressured me to do more than I wanted to at such an early stage in our relationship. And it's not just the fact that he pressured me, but he would say degrading things, and it hurt me. So I would always talk to my friend from far away on the phone, and he would instantly help and make me feel better.
A few weeks ago, he told me he's liked me so much for such a long time and he doesn't want anyone else. He hates when I talk to him about the people I'm with, because he gets so jealous, as he says, and hates them. So I told him I would gladly end things with the kid I am currently with, even though he and I could not be in a relationship. I did end things. And I've also fixed them.
The kid I was with wants to take things slower; he's been great to me lately, and I'm not sure if I should give things up here for a kid too far away who is at a different stage in his life, or go for the kid here who is only one year older than me. The connection isn't there like with the older guy, but I don't want to close off myself to the world here just for a boy who I may never get the chance to be with. But I also would never want to create any tension between us; he's one of the best guys I've ever met.
What would you do in this situation? Is it stupid to like someone so much older and far away? Should I wait it out anyway or just go for the kid here while I can?
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Comments (49)
I would dump the "kid." I mean it seems clear that you don't think he's the best guy you could get, so if he's not the best, why date him? As for the older guy, if you're okay with long distance and whatever else is holding you back, then go for it.
I quickly read that so I hope I have the facts straight.
Anyway, I honestly believe you should get the guy that treats you well and is a little further. It'll be hard, but being with a guy that treats you badly could be harder. Especially since he's the jealous type. Jealousy starts to get out of hand when you're in a relationship and boys start to believe they own you and control you. Sooner or later that boy will be your whole life and you won't really have a seperate life of your own. I think in a relationship you need to be able to not always be with each other and grow as individuals as well as a couple at the same time.
Right now I'm with a guy that's a little far away. But at least I'm happy. I have nothing to worry about except when I'm going to be seeing him or talking to him. He doesn't hurt me, so I'm so excited those times I get to see him. Those few days are very special because there's not many.
Trust me, it's much more fun to miss someone than to get hurt by someone.
Sorry that was long =(
Single = good long distance > bad relationship of any kind.
I'd rather be single than in a cruddy going nowhere relationship. Being single isn't so bad. That's why we have friends. Second, the long distance relationship is good, but it's also nice to be able to be in a close one. There is a balance there. I suggest you drop the deadbeat. Continue being friends with the older guy. Be single. If you find it necessary to 'take yourself off the market', then fine, do the long distance exclusive thing with the older guy (and he's not THAT much older, it's fine, just... well, depending on what state you are you might be legal or you might be jailbait). If you want, you can also read my post on LDRs in case it provides any insight for you.
@nexthorizon@xanga - I agree with you.
You shouldn't want anything but the best. & It's clearly not the "kid." Personally, I would go for the gusto. Even though the older guy is long distance it would be worth the try to establish that relationship.
Absolutely no offense intended, but...
You're very young. You have time on your side, for sure, so don't fly into a panic or anything over relationships.
But the guy that is closer, who pressures you and says degrading things...
Why do you like him? Is it those little moments of kindness? It's not enough, dear. I'm seeing a thousand signs that point towards a long, self-destructive relationship. His jealousy and habit of pushing you down emotionally and verbally tell me nothing less than to GTFO. You can't rescue, or change people--it's their choice entirely.
And the guy who is farther away? Give him a chance. Don't fly into it headfirst without any thought, though--concentrate on building a strong and meaningful friendship, and let your emotions ride along.
But most of all--if someone is degrading you or pressuring you, then GET OUT. They aren't doing it because they love you, it's because they love themselves. The sad thing is, they don't always realize that, and they think they are doing it for 'us'.
Best of luck.
i say, ditch the annoying kid and stay in contact with the older guy. though i would mostly likely suggest that you listen to your heart..., its the only way you'll know. because your asking your heart these questions:
to be witht he annoying kid, and have a misconceptive feeling of not being treated right.
Or
to be with the older guy (which i think isn't that older anyway) and enjoy your talks, and loving already like "LDR" without a title
in either case, make sure its right for you. because one wrong move would ruin a good friendship, and your relationship
hope things work out for the best =)
I can't really tell you to do anything because, i'm in the same situation just a couple details are different. Ppl keep telling me to go with what my heart says so thats what I'm going to tell you. Also, pros & cons lists sometimes work.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - good advice. I agree. Better to be happy in a LDR or as a single person rather than miserable in a close (geographically speaking) relationship...
The guy that has my heart lives 7hrs away from me...while we've agreed to be in an "open relationship," I feel bad if I get physical w/anyone b/c my heart isn't in it...so, now I'm resolved to being physically unsatisfied by other men b/c I don't want to mislead anyone...and I don't like feeling bad about myself. I'm happy with my decision.
:e)
Well if the other guy loves you so much or cares so much why isn't he happy to see you happy? lol good question huh?
You know I went out with a guy 4 years older than me and I realized that they do have something we crave that guys our age don't have but in the end your young and you only have one more year to wait to date older guys so just hold off cuz the guy who is near you is especially since he's cool ya know? Don't rush into things believe you will regret it and I don't want another person to do the same.
To summarize what I'm about to say, here: DON'T just go for the kid there. Sounds like he's willing to "take things slow" just to get you back if he knows it'll work, and chances are.. He hasn't changed much yet. So, I'd suggest not trying again with the guy who's trying to rush things. Give him some time to grow up. Guys tend to mature a little slower than females. Not being mean or judgemental at all.. That's just what all the studies on this say. That on average, that's the truth. Anywho.
Sounds to me like you just need to wait. I wouldn't advise jumping into a relationship with the long distance guy yet, either. Sounds to me like your heart isn't in it yet if you're still considering the possibility of others. However, don't mark him off your map just because of his age. My parents are 12-13 years apart, and have a great relationship. Most of the guys I have been interested in over the past several years have been a good bit older than me. The maturity factor always helps. However, that alone doesn't make them someone you should date, you know? The long distance guy sounds like a decent kid. But like I said.. Just give it some time and see where it goes. Maybe you'll find your heart growing fond of just him alone, and then you might could look into the possibility of pursuing things with him. He sounds like a great friend. Let him know exactly where you stand on this. Write it in a letter if you must, and read it to him. That way you don't mess up trying to say what you need to say. I have to do that sometimes. haha.:) But yeah.. Anywho. Just take things slow until you figure things out a little more.
He's NOT too old for you. 3 years is NOT a bad thing. :)
Wish you the best in this. Don't make the choice that "feels good". Make the wise choice, because that's the one that will leave you the happiest in the end, and with the least amount of heartache. :)
Hope this all helps. Need anything else, just let me know! :)
<3, ~*Akarui Mitsukai*~
Door C - don't go for either of them. Be happy single. Date! Or don't date! @MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - his advice is spot-on.
Be happy - whether it be with a fantastic person, or single. Don't just be with someone just for the sake of being with someone, especially someone that treats you badly!
Do what will make YOU happy.
Be smart about it. There ARE other options, you know.
I think the guy close by is only being nice because you dumped him good. Remember how he pressured you and degraded you. Is that what you want in a relationship? Compare that to the guy that you talked to when things were going bad and even though distance separates you, you can get along just fine, even better than guys that are physically closer. The distance is farther, but the connection is closer. I think the guy far away is more of a gentleman.
You should really look at these separately. This isn't about choosing a red sweater or a black sweater, we're talking about people and relationships here. In other words, you shouldn't dump one person in order to go for the other.
The "kid" you were dating, you said that he's said hurtful things to you and that there's no connection like you have with the other guy. You said you "ended things," but you also said that you're "currently with" the guy. Which one is it? I'm guessing you mean to say you're *not* with him. If that's the case, leave it at that. Don't settle for him just because he's closer in distance.
As for the other guy, I wouldn't wait for him. Unless you two are willing to have a long-distance relationship, then--as you said--it's stupid to close off possibilities and hope for a chance with this one guy. And maybe it's just me, but I would be wary of any guy who told me that he hates every guy I'm with and that he doesn't want anyone else...when you two aren't even together. I also wouldn't break up with someone just because this guy is jealous (whether I was "planning to do it anyway" or not). That just sounds a bit creepy and borderline obsessive to me.
By the way, 3 years isn't a very big difference. I guess it feels that way because you're 17 :) Don't just think with your heart, think with your mind too.
I guess I don't understand why you only seem to think you have two options, the distance, or the jerk? .. I think really you need to spend some time alone until someone who is closer, and fits the bill more comes along. If you think that neither is really a sustainable relationship than why bother with either?
Stay friends with the nice guy though, who knows maybe some day he will move closer to you and that relationship will have it's time, but I don't think that its either one relationship or another, maybe it's just YOU time for a while..?
I agree with everyone else in that you should spend some time single and see who else is out there nearby you. And if that doesn't work and you're ready to try a long-distance relationship, I'd say give the other guy and you a chance. You'll never know unless you try.
And by the way, three years is nothing. I'm seventeen, as well.
If you're willing to work on a long distance relationship it will work haha. Someone who will treat you right should always be on your list for love. Honestly? why should convenience matter, if the guy's worth it you could drive/fly to him whenever. and if he's the right one, he could wait for you.
i vote the single route. ldr's have a lot of issues that "regular" relationships don't (from what i hear anyway), and even then--i'm pretty sure that most ldr's happen because one person has to move away after the couple has been together for a while.
plus, ldr's have a substantial negative impact on your carbon footprint =(
My boyfriend lives 300 miles away from me, and honestly even though it's not fun at times, it is definitely working. If you think the guy who lives farther away is worth it, go for it....if he's worth it 300 miles isn't too far away. You just both have to put a lot into the relationship, time/effort/money.
Kid is a NO for sure.!
If the far' guy is closer, then yes,but long distance is a no. look for better future.Thats it.
no lie, I had the EXACT SAME SITUATION. EXACT.
I chose the guy who lives 300 miles away.
and I've never been happier. it was the best decision I ever made...
I agree with thepathofpins. You're young. Enjoy life while you can. Be friends with everyone and date who you want. Let them know your boundaries on what you will or will not do on a date, and if they pressure you, then you know they don't really respect your decision. If they don't respect yours then why should you respect theirs? I'd dump them right there and find someone else to go out with. You don't have to be dating someone to go out and just have fun as friends. I did that most of my life; had plenty of guy friends, went places and did things with them (skiing, hiking, dancing, movies, etc.), but never really dated any of them. I finally found a good guy and have been married for awhile now. Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you.
i did something similar myself once, when i was 16 or so...he is also the only ex i still talk to. it will be hard, but if the feelings and will are there, it's worth a shot. good luck.
oh yeah, dump the 'kid'.
This is a cool read, I ponder if you even have time to read everyone's responses. There are two girls I'm interested in, one is not too far away and the other is a one hour flight away. They are both the same age and beautiful and would make great gf's, however we are suppose to only choose one of course. Haha, they are a few years younger but I'll have to work it out and risk them running off when they grow up and want other things in life, probably best to be straight forward with a plan prior to getting seriously involve with "kids." The heart of the problem is how much can we sacrifice and endure for love.