Saturday, 21 February 2009
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My Extramarital Affair with A Guy Online
My husband and I have been together for six years. Our relationship has its ups and downs, and just this past summer, we went through a rough patch. We would have numerous arguments about the silliest things and would void each other into admitting defeat. It got so bad that my husband openly discussed having a divorce. I was shocked, but most of all, I was hurt. I didn't know what to think or do. All I knew was that I wanted to fix our marriage. I wanted to be with him because I still loved him...but little did I know, he didn't feel the same way towards me. He bluntly told me that he didn't love me anymore and that he didn't see me as the same woman that he fell in love with. Despite hearing that from him, I still wanted to make our marriage work - I was determined. We discussed further and we both agreed to give our marriage a second chance. After a few days, I went back home to visit my family - it was to give us time and space from each other. I thought the distance would make our hearts grow fonder for each other, but I soon discovered I was the only one who felt that way. Coming back home, I discovered that my husband had been e-mailing, chatting and meeting up with girls from the internet while I was away. I confronted him about it and he denied everything even though the proof and evidence was right in front of his face. I knew right then I should have left him, but my heart was weak. I couldn't bring myself to leave him even though my mind kept on telling me I should and that I deserved better. We talked about it and he finally admitted the truth. I forgave him but my trust in him had broken. I thought, when he says he's going to work or hanging out with his friends, is he really going to work or hanging out with them? When he's using the internet, is he really just checking his personal e-mails, credit cards, and bank statements online? Despite his breaking my trust, our relationship became so much better afterward. He would want to spend more time with me and treat me on special occasions. The fighting stopped and our relationship was better than I could ever remember. Our relationship was great and I should have felt feel happy and be loved, but I didn't.
I told myself and him that I forgave him, but I couldn't. Ever since I found out what he had been doing behind my back, I begin to hold a grudge against him and became bitter even though our relationship had became so much better. And that caused me to do the very next thing I am about to write.
I went online myself and met an incredible man (let's name him "Pete")! We would chat every day. And everytime I see him on webcam, I would get butterflies in my stomach. We even met in person and it was great! The chemistry we had for each other was unexplainable!
The problem is, he doesn't know my situation...well, the truth, anyway. I told him I was still married legally but separated from my husband and heading for a divorce. Truth is, I am still married with my husband, living with him, and he thinks everything is all fine and dandy.
I know what I'm doing is wrong and two wrongs don't make a right, but I can't help it. I want to come clean and tell Pete the truth, but I'm afraid he'll leave me once he knows the truth. As for my husband, ever since I found out what he did behind my back, I just don't feel the same towards him anymore, especially after meeting Pete.
If you were in my situation, what would you do? Should I tell Pete the truth or just let him think what I told him until my husband and I actually get a divorce? And how can I break it to my husband that I'm not in love with him anymore?
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- From: anonymish
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Comments (128)
be honest. it'll make you a better person.
Tell both your husband and Pete what you have done, and face the consequences.
Tell them both! Just fess up and be honest. Accept the consequences and let it be as it may. You'll be happy you did later.
Okay, first, these should be separate decisions, really. I suggest that people NEVER EVER leave one person FOR another. Because then you fall victim to wanting to go back if it doesn't work out. This is unhealthy. Leaving someone should stand on its own. Now, if you're not financially independent, then there are some definite dangers to this, but you should deal with those on your own.
It seems fairly clear you want to divorce your husband. If that's so, do it. Doesn't matter what Pete does or does not know. That's the first part of my advice.
The second part of my advice, is that if you take the first part, the second part becomes reality. If you divorce your husband, then the lies you told Pete become real, and there's no issue. If you choose not to divorce your husband... well you're merely being selfish to both men in your life. If you're okay with being selfish and letting it persist until it all blows up in your face (which we both know will happen eventually) then continue on however you like. Otherwise, get the divorce, let fiction become reality, and move on with your life. Maybe it'll be with Pete, or maybe after you get divorced Pete gets hit by a bus. It shouldn't matter. Simple enough?
when you told him you forgave him, you shouldn't have held a grudge towards him. if your husband actually considered a divorce earlier, then you telling him what you did might actually make him want it. that must be a hard situation to be in.
As hard as this can be... if you felt that something was "there" with "Pete," wouldn't it be better to go forward in this new relationship without having that extra baggage of, oh, say, your current marriage, tagging along? I'm not saying telling either man would be easy. But I believe you'd face even more complex problems if you keep "Pete" in the dark about your current relationship.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - You're like... "Dear John".
It's nice to see someone so helpful on Datingish posts! LOL.
Be honest. It'll be better, in the long run, if you're honest.
It's one thing to forgive and it's another thing to forget.
You have done neither. But you still play along as if you have forgiven him. I simply Hate that. You're pretty much feigning happiness with him every single day of your life..sleeping with him and ALSO sleeping with the man you are having an affair with.
Pick one and DUMP the other please. If you are no longer in love with your husband because you can't forgive him, then stop acting as if you have. He deserves to find happiness as well. Don't be so selfish.
If I were in your situation I wouldn't turn around and act like the whore my husband acted like. Grow up.
i have a similar situation only different problem
my relationship with my bf has been up and down.
and i guy that i had a crush on (but given up since he found a girlfriend ) but recently he started texting me again and im finding old feeling are coming back. i try to break up with my boyfriend knowing it may hurt him more when he finds into someone else. but i couldnt do it i couldnt hurt him. so im back stuck in the mud between the two of them. and i dont have a clue wat to do. its weird i want to move on but i cant let go. ><
@bella_esperanza@xanga - Thanks :). My entire blog is the same way.
Get a divorce. Tell Pete the truth. You'll all get to start over (assuming Pete wouldn't want to be with you after he finds out).
Tell Pete you're in the middle of a divorce, that you're still living with your husband, but you don't love him anymore.
I have to say that this is probably a really tough situation to be involved in, but you have to think about the other people involved and who else you would be hurting. I think it is time to certifiably end things with your husband and let him know you want a divorce, and let this "Pete" guy know the truth.
it's hard to dipense advice, even if a person asks for it, and especially if you don't know the person, just what she has written. many people regret getting a divorce, though it may have felt like the right thing to do at the time. maybe you and your husband can explore your feelings through therapy. it's good there are no kids involved. you don't mention how well you know Pete. he may be the better person for you but he may be the stuff of nightmares. in the meantime, it's best you tell Pete the actual situation. you should also tell your husband because this is what you're basing your wanting a divorce, if he's a reasonable person and won't physically hurt you. I wish you the best of luck.
I don't know.
But I'm glad someone wrote about this.
Honestly, I think this is what's driving my parent's divorce.
Essentially, anyway.
Apparently secrets have been flying for about two years. I knew something was up, but I only became aware this past July. That's when things really hit the fan.
They haven't properly talked without screaming at each other since then.
Papers have been sent.
I think you're headed for divorce, honestly. Unless you completely stop talking to Pete, which I doubt you want to do.
I might think that your husband is still doing those things, but maybe a lower scale. I could just be paranoid. Maybe he really did stop.
I don't know. I wish I knew what to tell you, or what to tell me.
It seems like you waited until way too late to try and fix your marriage. If you two are arguing, isn't that the time for you to realize something is wrong? That's about the time at which the two of you should have sat down and calmly (+ maturely) discussed the situation. You shouldn't have waited until you were both at wits end and heading toward divorce. I'm saying this because, in your next relationship, you should pay more attention to what's going on. Instead of waiting until it's too late, talk to your next guy (Pete?) about what's going wrong, if things (Such as arguments) do arise. Communication is key, ma'am; just remember that.
As for your current predicament, it's sticky. Both men deserve to know what's happening. Explain the entire thing to Pete and chances are he'll forgive you. Your husband, though.. If you two are doing so much better, I can't help but wonder.. why? Could he be seeing someone on the side, or is he seeing the old you again? If it's the former, that's a good thing. If it's the latter...
Being truthful is always the best idea. Always. Just get the truth out there. If nothing else you'll feel better once it's all said and done with.
Tell them the truth.
Xo
Seriously, if I was in that situation, I would initiate the divorce with my husband and tell him that I don't love him anymore. As selfish as this may sound, I would let "Pete" believe the story that I told him and see where the two of us would go. As the saying goes, what you don't know, won't hurt you.
But on another note, if I wanted to leave my marriage, I would do it for me. I wouldn't want to leave it for another man. Maybe you're not entirely leaving your marriage for Pete, but still. If I couldn't forgive my husband for what he did to me, I would talk to him, tell him how much he had hurt me, and try to work things out. If I still cannot forgive him entirely, maybe the best thing to do is to let go. After letting go, I would want to start off fresh and start a relationship with the truth. But that's just me.
You know yourself best and you know your situation more than the rest of us. Decides what's best for you and what will make you more happy.
It's a tough situation.
That's terribly sad.
Fuck the husband off...how dare he do that? You are stronger than that but you should really just break off the marriage because you might be left with nothing if you leave it any longer.
@XsW3eTfLiP1nOyX@xanga - It's easier said than done. I should of thought about it more before I told him that I will forgive him. But when you're in the mist of wanting to fix your marriage and trying to make it work, you'll give anything to make it work. I spoke too soon and I realized that I couldn't completely forgive him for what he did to me. My mouth might said I forgave him but my heart and mind still hold him accountable for doing me wrong. I'm not saying what I'm doing is right either but when your marriage is onto its breaking point, sometimes you tend to seek comfort elsewhere. And what I did to him was after the fact of what he did to me.
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - I have done neither, true, and I wish I would of thought long and hard before I told him that I forgave him (which I couldn't completely). I'm not living everyday with him like I forgave him. I constantly bring it up to him and he knows that it still bothers me, but he can't undo what he did. And just fyi, I'm not sleeping with the other man. At one point in our marriage, both of us has been selfish; it's just not only me.
@hilaw@xanga - I have known Pete for a couple of months now. I'm not leaving my marriage for him though we have great chemistry with each other. Though it seems that way, it's not. It may work out with us in the long run and it might not.
@misswonderj@xanga - If meeting someone outside my marriage to turn to for comfort is acting like a whore then so be it.
@garlicface@xanga - I'm sorry that you're also going through a tough time. I know my marriage should of ended when I found out what he did behind my back, but like I said, my heart was weak. Sometimes people stay in a marriage for the wrong reasons and yet, sometimes they stay because they don't want to be alone. I hope your family and you well.
@pillowpixies@xanga - At first, I wanted to fix my marriage. I didn't want us to fall apart until.. I found out what he was doing behind my back. Though I told him I forgave him, part of me just died in our relationship. I wish we both could of sat down and talked about it but we didn't. I thought avoiding the situation would make me forgive and eventually forget about it; only it didn't.
@JessxMaxine@xanga - Again, it's easier said than done. Yes, I wanted to forgive him but I couldn't! I didn't trick him to staying with me either. At one point, I really thought I could forgive him and move on.
While reading this I slammed my mouse so hard it lost the connection with my computer...
You know what I think this is? I think this is you being selfish and afraid of being alone. If you lost your husband, you'd be alone. But you begged to try to work things out. Now that things are okay, you happened to meet a "better" guy so now it's safe to leave your husband.
So first, grow up. Next, tell both of them the truth, "Pete" AND your husband. And no, you
should not be leaving one person for the other.
I would tell the husband first. That way, you still have the Pete.
If you break it off with Pete, you may regret it more.