Saturday, 21 February 2009
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Why Do People Misinterpret My Friendliness?
I'm a naturally friendly person. I can make friends with anyone, and a lot of people that meet me say I'm the most outgoing person they've met. But my question is, when does friendliness transform into flirtiness? I can't tell the difference.I've met a lot of guys at university. I made friends with all three of the TAs in my chemistry lab from last semester. They were incredibly nice to me, probably because I was incredibly nice to them. I'd see them all around. One was in my biology class; another one was just around campus all the time. And I got to talking to one of them. I thought we were becoming friends, but I think he thought otherwise. We're still friends. I made him cupcakes for his birthday. But everyone knows I have this ridiculous obsession with cupcakes, so it seemed harmless.
Another situation: My German class is filled with the creepiest of people ever. I know a few people, but they're still creepy. There's this one kid that's the class clown type, and I smiled at him one day. God forbid! A few days later, he added me on Facebook. I thought, okay, fine, a new friend. Why not? A few days passed by, he asked me what I was doing on the weekend. I died a little. I told him I wasn't going to hang out with him if he was going to be drinking. One thing led to another, and he finally figured out I wasn't interested. Now he just randomly looks at me during class.
I thought I was making a friend, not a love interest, dangit!
Then I was re-introduced to a childhood friend. I didn't realize I'd known him when I was younger until I added him on Facebook. He's about 8 years older than me, and the last time I saw him, I was about 8 years old. Anyway, he was looking through my pictures, recognized my dad and said, "I knew you when you were 4!" It was strange.
Then, upon looking through his pictures, I realized this guy was the same guy that my cousin had been interested in about a year ago. Uh-oh. Well, he asked me to hang out with him on Saturday to make origami. Sure, let's make origami. Then he wanted to walk me to my car. I said that was okay. Then he said we should take a walk. Red flag?
I asked what kind of walk. And he asked what kind of walks I like to take. I said the kind that involves rainbows, butterflies and cupcakes. And he said that'd be great and "let's make it a date". I said that couldn't happen. I told him I was sort of seeing someone, but I'm not sure. He claims he's not upset as long as he still gets to see me. Whatever. He's a actor/comedian, and I guess I made him laugh a lot and gave him some ideas for performances. Ever since he asked me to be his muse, he's been a bit forward. I tried to just shake it off, trying to convince myself it was just his being friendly... but I guess not.
I just don't understand. Am I being too friendly? I always went by the motto, "Treat others as you would like to be treated." So I though I was just nice to these people....but maybe I'm being flirty instead of friendly. I don't even really know what flirty is.
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About the Author
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- From: garlicface@xanga
- Name: Padma Patil
- About Me: My interests include: cupcakes, Harry Potter, World of Warcraft, nutrition and exercise, Star Wars, Blink 182
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Comments (74)
Same thing happens to me. Wish I could help.
Sometimes I find myself in similar situations,,, :S
Sometimes what we view as friendly, is interpreted as flirting. Confusing much? It's always in the eyes of the beholder...
I'm so stoked that somebody wrote about this. I'm not a flirt at all, so it troubles me when a man will say something totally inappropriate or flirtatious when I've only been genuinely kind to him. I've had to scale back my enthusiasm-level over the years for this very reason. Also, I really don't like it when men are flirtatious with me before really knowing me. It's a huge turn-off b/c I just assume they must be that way with everyone else too.
Yeah, sometimes you really can't do anything about it. As soon as you see them falling for you, you have to back away. It's kinda sad how things like that happen. It happens to me all the time, and I have a boyfriend! Same goes for my boyfriend. We are just overly friendly people that accidentally lead someone on. Actually, my boyfriend was helping out this girl and then she fell in love with him. She's still in love with him. sigh.
I usually try to be the same towards everyone so that they all know I'm only being friendly.
That's why I choose to be a mean person instead.
Not really. I don't think my friendliness gets misinterpreted, but that's because I'm only especially nice to people I like. (Example: Say I like cupcakes as you do, but I won't make them for a guy unless we've known each other for a while or if I like him.) But most of the time my flirty/friendly gestures aren't returned
Maybe you should give them the death stare instead. That'll turn them away for sure.
I'm like so.
Too bad that the world has gone down so much in friendliness, that nobody recognizes it for what it is anymore.
Well, you have good intentions and that's all that matters.
It is human nature, we are meant to get together or at least try - no harm done in asking. I think you are also frustrated that you can't make a platonic friend. Accept it and be thankful that guys are interested in you. If that isn't enough... try going out in groups with friends, not one on one.
Alternatively, find a bf.
Well, first off, I don't believe that men and women can be just friends. While some can sort of leave it open for awhile, ultimately something's gotta give. Either the friendship, or someone's sexuality. -Unless, perhaps they are already in a happy & committed relationship. But even then, if the relationship doesn't work out, and your friendship has grown deep, don't be surprised if deep down he harbors hope for you.
This is what 'everyone' says they really want. Friends first who eventually fall in love. And wouldn't that be great? Of course. But many women today just seem to not be open or friendly with men in general, so that when it does happen, we are often caught by surprise.
And also sexually suggestive material is so prevelant in our society today, via the media, and so many women's women's revealing styles that particularly for men, (who have high sex drives anyway) its difficult to not constantly think about it. This in addition to our desire for love and a relationship.
Personally though, while due in large part to my non-conformity and my perpetual state of desperation I tend to come across as well desperate. What I really want is nothing more than a relationship that slowly builds from a friendship. Does this mean I am not immediately thinking about sex when I see her? No. Hell no. Though not every time. But, when a man begins to get to know a woman, and he starts spending time with her, that sense of immediacy subsides which can then allow a relationship to develop naturally.
So my advice: Ladies, if you want friends, pick other women. If you want a 'friend' with the potential for more, then find a guy. But if not, communicate. Just be honest, *snicker* or find a way to tell the person you are only interested in being friends. That's what I think anyway.
This is exactly what happens to me!
just don't start being bitchy towards guys in an attempt to solve the problem. i know too few girls whom i'd genuinely describe as sweethearts.
Well, it's not necessarily that you're sending the wrong signals, lots of times you can get hit on whether you send signals or not. As long as you figure out that they're interested, then it doesn't matter, because you can just shoot them down. Guys approach girls (and vice versa) and sometimes it's because we thought there was a hint, and other times because we want to find out if she's interested. Either way, we risk getting shot down, and that's all you have to do. As long as you don't lead them on and tease them for months on end, it doesn't matter if they think you 'looked their way' or not. But speaking of which, I just made two posts about flirting you might enjoy.
This one On Flirting, or the "Come Hither" Look.
This one on the "Creep Be Gone" Look.
If you're good looking, or reasonably good looking. It will get misinterpreted. You just have to make it clear to them as soon as you realise that they are interested in you
, as much as it can cause friction. It is a good way to see if they still hang around (ie. like you for you) or go (ie. like you for the looks).
I think a guy and girl can be just friends, as long as the both of them do not find the other one physically attractive (there is the possibility that things could change down the track).
That's what i think.
Yeah, people always say being friendly equates to flirting, but that's just the way it is. Barely anyone believes a guy and a girl can be just friends, especially if they're nice to each other (goodness forbid friends being courteous towards one another, right?). And, not to be superficial or anything but, I'm guessing they think you're cute. An outgoing personality in an aesthetically pleasing person usually makes...a Venus fly trap of a person...minus the deadly aspect >_>'. It's not really anything you can help, unless you start scowling instead of smiling. On the bright side, at least that charm is working on the person you're sort of talking to =]. Good luck with the rest of the regular people/creepers!
The first thing any guy thinks when you're nice to him is, "Damn, this chick digs me!" or anything along those lines. Most guys initially don't think of friendship, and revert back to the animal in them and try for relationships (in the sack, or boyfriend-girlfriend deals).
I'm also a really out-going and nice with everyone, and it has gotten me trapped in situations with guys I'm totally not interested in but wanted to be nice. It's the Curse of the Nice Girl. We must live and deal through it.
Yeah, some of us have the opposite problem. Where they only want to be our friends, and miss the obvious gestures that lean the other way.
maybe you're just that good-looking and amazing!
the rest of us are jealous
There's a difference between being nice and being flirty. You need to consider how the other person is going to take it before you decide to act like some perfect rainbow of happiness and sunshine.
If you're too nice to people beyond casual events, then people are going to think you're flirting or you're asking for something.
And of course there are people that think that just a slight bit of kindness is flirting, but they're delusional. And since it happens to you frequently I'd have to say its you.
@thingamabobbie@xanga - How do you know what a guy is thinking? o_o
I've been really watching what I say for a little over a year now because I have the same problem. If I'm nice to someone, they think I'm flirting with them. I think I'm being nice, but somehow they turn it into more than that. Like at one point I was hanging out with a guy a year or two ago. He thought I was flirting with him the entire day, meanwhile I couldn't even see any way I could have possibly done that.
Maybe nice translates to "I'm interested" these days.
You're making yourself too available. It's ok to say no too sometimes. Keep some distance or else every guy will assume you're into him. Oh yeah! Try to reserve the cupcakes for that SPECIAL someone.
heehee... i'm the same... but there's nothing much u can do abt it... i'm now pretty good frens with guys who think i use to like them after realising that i'm just nice to everyone .
You can be friendly but you can also decline any requests that may lead them romantically on. Or give them false signals.
If it was my birthday and some dude baked me some cupcakes, it'll make me wonder if he likes me more than a friend to put in that much effort to making me those cupcakes. Try to save those for "cupcakes" for your girlfriends or your special someone.
And sometimes, maybe it's not you. Maybe it's them. Some people just think we are leading them on when we're just being nice.
I hate being a female in the retail world, because male customers think my forced enthusiasm/kindness is me hitting on them, and it's usually the ones you really don't want thinking that.