Friday, 20 February 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: My Boyfriend Is Never Around
I've been dating this guy for three months. Everything has been pretty good for the most part, minus all of the little arguments and whatnot. He just got a new job, and it's been really hard because we never get to see each other. I'm not used to that because for the first two months of our relationship, we were constantly together. Now, I'm lucky if I get to see him for just an hour, much less even talk to him.
It's getting really hard, and I'm getting impatient. Between school for the both of us and work, it's getting difficult. He's my best friend too, so it's like he's not there when I need him...I don't know what to do or how to handle this situation.Anyone else been in this predicament? How did you handle it?
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Comments (48)
Try to be a more understanding gf. You know there is no such thing like a busy person. If one really wants to do something for his/her partner, he/ she will find time to do it. And yea, don't be too needy of your bf. It will ruin the relationship.
Yeah. I'm in that predicament right now. It's not really any one's fault though. Every time I get frustrated and wanna do something crazy I just think about how frustrated he must be...
do what any other normal female normally does... fall into the hands of another guy
Make more friends. Get new hobbies. Be just as busy as he is.
ur the type of girl i really HATE.. u have no idea what the hell its like.. and you take everything for granted.. If you really love someone it doesnt matter how FAR AWAY.. or HOW LONG you've been away from them for.. maybe you need to grow up and stop being so needy.. he needs to do what he's got to do.. what do u expect him to do - Quit his job.. for you?!... please.. dont be ridiculous.. you should be lucky to even have the chance to be able to talk on the phone with him almost every day.. or just pick up ur phone and text him a msg.. Grow a spine and be strong .. stop complaining about stupid shit like this..
my bf has been deployed in iraq for almost a year now.. i cant contact w/ him whenever i want.. and he has a job where he could get his head blow off at any second.. why dont u think about that before you start complaining about the petty predicament that ur in.
when you love someone.. they should be worth the wait.. if ur not strong enuff for it.. just let it fall apart.. its not their fault its ur own. and im sry if this is coming off as a really nasty comment but this is one of my biggest pet peeves..
Get a hobby that doesn't involve chaining yourself to your boyfriend. Honestly, it'll do wonders for not only you, but your relationship.
Besides...you've only been dating for three months. Three months is not a very long time in the grand scheme of things and you're being almost too needy about the situation. Unless his job has taken him clear across the country, don't complain about it so much.
You should listen to AngelStarr@xanga...him having a job that interferes a bit with you seeing/talking to him is no where near as bad as having your SO deployed where communication between the two of you could become non-existent. While her comment is blunt, it's the truth, which is something people often sugar coat in an attempt to be PC or sensitive to your ever so pressing dilemmas.
A hobby might help, but it's not going to replace her lonely feelings. A hobby shouldn't have to replace a significant other.
Maybe this is just me, but I probably would end this relationship (and I'm far from clingy). You're already arguing 3 months in. I know this is real life and not a romanticized fiction novel, but this is still your honeymoon phase. Granted, I don't know what you're arguing about, but that, coupled with the fact that he's not around, maybe you should question if this is worth it.
However, you should really just talk to him about this. We're not going to replace a conversation between you and him. Talk to him about it.
I agree with AngelStarr. Though it's not good that the two of you are already arguing. You've only been in a relationship for three months, that's insane.
You don't always have to be constantly around him. He shouldn't be the be-all and end-all of your life.
For one, don't marry a military man.
With that said, you should try to be more understanding on your part. It's not like he's out hanging out with his friends and purposely avoiding you. He has a life besides you and besides always waiting on him, you should go out and explore the world. Hang out with your girlfriends, find new hobbies, or just do something that will keep you busy when he's working.
Don't make him the center of your life. Guys and girls likes to know that their significant others has a life outside the relationship also.
I remember when I was in my sophomore year in college. I was a full time student and I also had a full time job (an eight hours shift). Not only that, but I was also in a relationship. My boyfriend then did a great job with putting up with my busy schedule and when I was not working on the weekends, I would spend time with him or catch up on my school work.
Both of you just need to communicate and try to balance his busy schedule with yours. Find some time in between to spend it with each other. Even though it's difficult with you to deal with, breaking up is not the best solution. There will be many more relationships that your significant other will also be busy with his life. They can't attend to you all the time and you need to realized that.
please hun, I was abroad for a semester and me and my guy made it work. We are in school and we work so much that we hardly see one another and we live together. Be thankful for that hour and be grateful that you have someone who is responsible.
If you don't think you can handle not seeing him, maybe you just need to move on. It's only been three months, you don't have to stay committed if you don't want to.
But if he's worth the work, you both need to really communicate. Be vocal about when you want to see him, while also being realistic about his work load. Do homework together, study together, go visit him at his job, surprise him with some McDonalds when he gets home from work...get your time with him in more creative ways. Also, try to clear a night once a week or once every two weeks where you guys hang out and concentrate on each other.
@AngelStarr@xanga - So true.
When I started dating my husband (almost six years ago), he went on deployment three times. And if that wasn't bad enough, our relationship was already a long distant one.
I'm married to him now and it's not as bad as it used to be. His schedule is still hectic and I still see him from time to time but situations like this, just irritates me.
So much people take things for granted!
I hope your relationship with your man is going well! :)
You need to reevaluate and see if perhaps you're being demanding and/or spoiled. You say you were constantly spending time together before, but now that's disappeared. Of course feeling lonely is expected, you have that void there that was once filled. But if you're still determined to work things out, you need to acknowledge that he's going to do what he needs to do in order to support himself, i.e. his job and school. You have responsibilities as well, so instead of worrying so much, take care of yourself. I'm sure he won't ALWAYS be that busy, so you'll just have to wait it out until things settle down, if it's worth it to you.
Since everyone else is talking about their situations, I'm going to put my two cents in as well. My brother and his fiance are currently going through a semi long-distance relationship. It's actually just on opposite sides of Maryland, but either way they don't get to see each other like they used to before she started going to school miles away from where we live. Instead of fretting and crying and being depressed, they're just getting their work done. He still goes to see her when he can, and they're still happy and in love. Accept that relationships DO get difficult and aren't always so perfect and easy to handle.
try being with someone 24/7 for 8 months...and then BAM!! he's in the army...and ur lucky if u see him once or twice a month. -.-
I had the same problem. But he wouldn't help me with my suggested solutions and work won over me.
I hope you have better luck, sorry I didn't have more advice.
I agree with bluetrashcan--if you are only 3 months into the relationship and you are already arguing, that sounds like a problem. Also, relationships last when people have forged a strong enough bond to get through patches like this. I'm not sure that you've done that yet, but I could be wrong. Either way, I think that you need to talk to him about it and evaluate whether or not this is worth the trouble. If it is, then I would agree with those who suggested that you find other ways to occupy your time. If it's not, well, you know what you need to do.Â
I know people are using the military situation, and I agree.
But I also think that having someone so close, yet not having the opportunity to communicate with them is just as hard. They're so close, yet so far in a sense.Â
The only thing you can do is focus on the fact that he's still there. Try and focus on the positives. If anything, listen to people above ^ and try and find some hobbies to fill up your time. Enjoy your own life, and you'll think less of how much you're not with him. Then when you are with him, you can be all the happier.Â
Good luck!
You need to wake up and smell the roses, dear. And maybe step back and take a look at yourself--what came off right away to me was that you have great potential to be a clingy, spoiled, demanding princess.
He has a life beyond you, you know. You're not the center of the universe. And it's only three months in? What do you want him to do, stay home and knit?
He's grown (growning) up now, this isn't highschool. Instead of moping that you don't see him often, why not make plans so the times that you do see each other are wonderful? Cool, exciting trips to school events, exploring restaurants?
Be grateful that you get to see him at all.
I am thoroughly spoiled, and anytime we're at school, I see my boyfriend, and when he's not at work, we're together. Next year we will be going to different schools (and I'm praying I get into my school of choice or else I may end up much further away than I originally intended), and we will probably suffer from the seperation.
If you're arguing after three months, you may want to rethink. o_o;;
And in the meantime, try to be understanding, I know you're lonely, but what did you do before you had this relationship, wallow in a hole? Call up your other friends and occupy your time! I'm sure he'd like to feel less guilty about leaving you alone all the time.
Have you talked to him about it? Like seriously TALKED TO HIM in a mature manner, not a "I'm so hurt, listen to me, spend more time with me!!!" manner?
Think about it, talk to him about it, and you two can solve it - if you want to. Something like, "I'd like to see you more, would it be possible to spend more time together? Do you think we're spending enough time together?" etc etc...and maybe from the talk, you guys will understand where you both stand.
See, THIS is why I wrote the post about communication...can people please THINK before they ask questions? The answers we're giving aren't rocket science...
I've been long distance with an ex before; we were in different cities. We made it work because we talked every night (that's what worked for us) and saw each other once a month. Between work and school, it was hard, but hey, we wanted to make it work. What made it work was that WE TALKED ABOUT WHAT WE BOTH WANTED OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP TIME-WISE and how to make the most of our time.
please try to be more understanding ~ he's busy not because of fooling around and have fun ~ it's his work ~
@AngelStarr@xanga - My dear, while I entirely agree with what you're saying, you bear reminding of THIS.
But aside from that, you're completely right. To the poster... you're on the needy end of the spectrum. While it is somewhat your right to be so needy, it's not healthy. Find your life outside of him. Pick up some hobbies and some new friends. Focus on your school or your goals. OR, find a boyfriend who can be there for you 24/7 and can handle you being very needy. That's pretty much how it goes.
Well, why not talk to him to see how his work really affects his time to himself. Maybe there is a justifiable reason. Communication is key in a relationship as many of us keep telling people on this site. And much like other people have mentioned prior, please be understanding of circumstances. Yes, work gets in the way of personal time. It happens to many people. Heck, I'm taking 25 units worth of classes, have a mountain load of homework, work 12-25 hours a week, go to the gym for 4-12 hours a week, hang out with friends every so often for dinner or a guys night out, and still manage to spend time with my girlfriend for a little bit of time... To top it off, I play video games to go to sleep. However, people like me who can pull off rediculous scheduels like that are very rare because of how we operate. Some jobs can also be mentally draining or physically draining. Sometimes both. Being understanding and communicating about things is key to things working out.
@AngelStarr@xanga - Thank You! Even if the comment sounded rude you were right to say it! Props to you for being strong and tell your Boyfriend thank you for me. I don't even know him and can bet he's amazing.
I live with my boyfriend and never see him. He works 2 full time jobs and we have a business. When I feel down or lonely, yeah I complain or vent on xanga, but then I'm over it. He almost never hears it (I say almost because once in a while I'll say ok please I need an hour of attention then your free ok?). I know he is working hard so we can have a good life.
Look at the state of the economy, at least he has a job, he should make it top priority! If he doesn't someone else will and he will be out a job. Find something to occupy yourself and be there for him when he needs you.
@AngelStarr@xanga - legit