Thursday, 19 February 2009
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Follow-Up: My Friend's Dating a Serial Cheater
Miss Fox
I wrote a post about two weeks ago about a friend who was dating someone I found out to be a serial cheater (see here: My Friend's Dating a Serial Cheater).
Apparently, about a week ago, another one of my friends told "Bob" how we all thought his lady was weird. We all knew about her past with our friend's boyfriend and thought it was a bad idea for him to be involved with her. Unfortunately, we were one night too late - Bob had made it official with her the night before. Of course, we stayed supportive of him, trying to let him figure things out on his own.But last night, everything hit the fan.
Apparently, the new girl was hiding the fact that she knew everything being said about her. She knew what we all thought of her and didn't know how to handle the situation. She broke down last night and pulled me aside to talk, telling me how much she liks Bob and how she really wants us to like her. She told me that I was one of her major concerns, because she knew how close Bob and I are, and that she wanted approval for their relationship.
As much as I appreciated her talking to me and am glad that things have begun to smooth over with her and my friends, I can't help but still be skeptical of her.
Do you think that cheaters can have a change of heart? Would you cut this new girl a break, or would you still be nervous about her relationship with your friend?
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About the Author
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- From: missfox
- About Me: I am by no means a relationship guru, but I've seen a lot for being so young. I was in an on-again-off-again relationship all through high school, but college has opened my mind and heart. I've learned a lot about what I need in relationships, and what my significant other should want of me. I believe in love, but I believe that you must first be happy with yourself.
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Comments (34)
If she broke down and cried, and then pulled you aside to talk to you I think she's serious. Once a cheater always a cheater is not always true, but then again you call this girl a "serial cheater" and that's different. At least she has her heart in the right place. Tell her that she will have to prove herself but you want the best for her and "Bob."
I find it difficult to trust people to begin with, but I wouldn't be too hard on her until she screws up then all bets are off.
Its his business and not really anyone elses.
Ultimately,while you are looking out for this kid, I agree with Asthma. Those who will receive the consequences of a decision should be the ones free to make it.
Interesting. Very very interesting. I am quite willing to give people chances, especially if they ask for them. I suppose I have to believe in redemption, the same way I believe in loyalty and love, even if they are rare.
She pulled you aside to talk about it, this girl is serious. I suggest you keep an open line of communication with her. She may still want to cheat, but clearly she also doesn't want to cheat. Help her through it. It's the right thing to do. They're already in a relationship, so the only thing to do now is try to make it work as best you can, and help this girl stay faithful, right? Perhaps if you can understand why she has cheated in the past, you can help her avoid it, or help Bob help her avoid it.
stay wary, but keep you worries dormant. Give her enough time to prove things one way or another.
If she CAN change then that's great.
If not don't say I told you so, but make it clear that you'll be there for "Bob" even though you didnt agree with his choice, presuming he leaves her if she cheats. If he doesn't, smack him in the head and tell him he's being dumb, she's a cheater...she WILL do it again, and that he needs to end this NOW, and then be there...
she sounds manipulative.. i wouldn't trust her.
@Neurotically_Mine@xanga - I thought the same thing.
@methodElevated@xanga -
agreed.
but yanno what they say, keep them close. it would be wrong to snub her if she came to you in that way, so I would lighten up on her. I would still keep her at some sort of distance and keep an eye out for her.
@merquryd@xanga - Yeah, that's probably a good way to deal with the situation.
I'm skeptical, too. It doesn't take much for someone who's accustomed to lying (which is what cheating is, after all) to pull you aside and appear sincere. I'm not one to give that too much credit.
But ultimately, it doesn't matter what you think of her. If Bob wants to be with her even with the knowledge of her history, then your job as his friend is to hope for the best and be supportive.
Yeah... I've been friends with serial cheater girls and had once went out with a manipulative fellow.
I would just keep an eye on her (agreeing with most everyone else)... because I have to admit, I do not have high hopes for someone like that.
(actually, the pulling to the side and crying about it makes me think her worse....)
Too, you cannot really give her flack until she actually does cheat.
Be careful, she may even aim for you...
I thought about giving her the benefit of the doubt but then again, she could just be a really good manipulator. I mean, it does takes a good manipulator to be a "serial" cheater after all.
I do believe that "once a cheater is not always a cheater." Some learn from their mistakes and change. Some don't and just keep being on the jerk that they are.
Bob has been warned and if he had chose to be "official" with her, it's his problem to deal with. As friends, you guys did the right thing by warning him about his now gf but that's the most you guys can do. The ultimate choice is his to make if he wants to be with her or not and he will have to face the consequences if she is still a serial cheater.
On another note, I would give her a break until she do something that cause you (and your friends) to be suspicious again. Having all or most Bob's friends behind her back isn't such a good feeling either.
I do not believe in once a cheater, always a cheater however she did have a pattern. I would still be skeptical of her approach in finding approval from you. Maybe it was a scam to try to get approval from you (because you were the one who recognized her as being the cheater and maybe she thought you were the one who went to the bf to rat on her). *shrugs.
All in all, it's not your position to care now because Bob has already been warned. If he still wants to be with her after those knowledge, if he gets cheated on, then he has nobody else to blame but himself.
Well, okay. Cheaters CAN have a change of heart. Everybody can change. But the fact of the matter is, a lot of the time - possibly even most of the time - cheaters don't have a change of heart. I mean, really, people say that "once a cheater always a cheater" thing religiously, and they have a point. I'm sure if a scientific study were done on the matter, they'd find that more times than not, the cheater remains a cheater until they can no longer find someone willing to be the "other wo/man".
It seems that every time she's around you guys as a group, she's got to say something about how she doesn't feel comfortable with his friends. You also said in your previous post that he's changing for the worst rather than the better. As a few others have pointed out, she could simply be a really awesome manipulator. Honestly, if I were you I wouldn't trust her that much. She could be trying to play the strings on you too.
As for Bob, he has been warned. With that warning he should have at least a little consideration toward what he's getting into. What more can be done, other than warn him? He's a big boy, he should be able to take care of himself. And if all else fails, he'll end up learning (hopefully) from his mistake.
@sabrinashakeit@xanga - This is the best advice
When you get right down to it, Bob does know all about her. If he is willing to be with her, even considering her past, then it's really his business.
I don't really know if you can even call her a "serial" cheater, cuz for all you know she has only actually cheated once. She was the "other woman" the other time, which isn't the same thing. It's still bad, but still, she wasn't the cheater.
Do you think that cheaters can have a change of heart?
It depends why they cheated. I cheated because I had been used by my ex, so it revenge vicariously. I KNOW, THAT'S TERRIBLE. Anyway, a year ago I was not ready to date and not cheat, but now I am.
Would you cut
this new girl a break, or would you still be nervous about her
relationship with your friend?
nervous, because it can be hard to break old habits. She might still be rebounding, or still have insecurities.
maybe i'm the only one confused..but is your friend's bf STILL cheating on her? or is that relationship already over, and now your friend's bf is dating the "new girl"?
and i also dont think once a cheater always a cheater. but i'd give her a chance but not trust her. afterall, she willingly cheated with someone and ignored all the gossip.
Just them have their thing. She'll follow her old ways in the end, I'm sure. Cheaters really never change.
She's either very serious or very manipulative. But the latter sounds less likely, so I'd say she deserves a chance. I'd be skeptical too, but all in all this is something between her and Bob. What happens is up to them.
People change. It's pretty clear to me that she's trying to get over her shady past. People shouldn't be haunted for everythinggg that they've done in the past. She seems serious.
Eh. It's their relationship. It's not your job to watch over her moves, or stop her from cheating, or help her and Bob's relationship. You're not their relationship counselor. All their drama is going to drive you crazyyy! Lol. Butt in too much, and you might make more of a mess. So just be a friend, support Bob, and be there when the relationship fails. (I don't have much hope for people in relationships with cheaters)
be quiet and watch. don't approve, but don't disapprove either.
I would not trust her at all. Stay out of this please.
Stay out too much drama and i see something boiling. And why should you be the one to support her? Just stay out of this if not i can see things bad happening where u know she might backstab u in the back.
I don't buy the crying part --- my ex-boyfriend did the crying act on me and he went and cheated two more times. Happy to say the arse hasn't found a girlfriend since. :) The cheater will always figure out a way to manipulate !