My boyfriend and I have been together for about seven months; we're doing long-distance right now and are both in the military.
We love each other, he likes my friends and I like his; everything is good. The problem is that I have a gay best friend; we constantly joke about how we're going to get married, even if it's just for a little while. Well, my boyfriend flipped when he heard that. He kept saying that he would fail as a man if his girlfriend married a gay guy.
I was pretty hurt by that because first of all, it was just a joke, and second, he's insulting my friend because he's gay (well, that's what I got from it). My boyfriend gets very mad about it and tells me to talk to him later when I'M not mad at him anymore, but he's the one who's ready to explode.
And here I am thinking about it...my best friend and I always told each other - and even our families - that we were going to get married, and everyone found that to be fine. We love each other as people, not by gender or sexual preference. I'm not going to cheat on my boyfriend for my gay best friend; it was all a joke.
My boyfriend always asks me if I would really marry my BFF, and I tell him that if I wasn't with anyone, I would probably give it a try. He's my best friend and I know he won't hurt me; and, to be honest, it would be fun to be married to someone like that, right?
BFF has a boyfriend, and his boyfriend doesn't mind at all, because we're not going to leave the ones we love for some silly joke. If my friend and I were single and getting older, then yeah, we said we would try it. But we're in love with other people and very happy.
What my boyfriend doesn't get is how I could marry a gay guy - all he sees is the GAY part. My best friend isn't just gay.. he's funny, caring, sweet, thoughtful, outgoing, and he understands me. I've done everything to explain that to my boyfriend - that I'm going to be with him and stay with him. It seems like a silly thing to fight over, but that's the only thing we ever fight about. I'm quite confused by it. Any advice?
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Comments (255)
Tell your boyfriend to grow some balls, the gay guy seems to have more than he does :]
But no, i've got a really good friend who's gay, and it always concerns guys i'm with, and i'm like oO
I love my gay!!
We act like we own one another. Any boyfriend ever who didn't accept my Marcus would HAVE to go. Couldn't handle it. I adore him.
1. Tell your boyfriend to stop being so insecure.
2. Stop being a bitch to your boyfriend by constantly making jokes about something he is so obviously uncomfortable with.
How would you feel if he said he'd marry a close friend of his (male or female) if it didn't work out with you? You sit there and say he shouldn't be mad because it's a joke, but then you say that in reality you might want to give it a try. Again, how would you feel if he said that about someone else?
You also say he shouldn't be concerned because your friend is gay, but then you say if you were both single and getting older, you might try it. So my question is: is that really being gay, if you'd honestly consider marrying someone of the opposite sex? To be honest, you're making it only sound like a half-joke.
I don't think you should even be worrying about this.
i don't know, man.. i couldn't marry my best gay friend. the only thought that'd be running through my head would be, "yep, he takes it up the butt."
lol. how is it joke, if you seriously would marry him? let's flip genders your boyfriend, has a best friend who is a lesbian and they joke about getting married. but he has a real connection with her as a person... are you beginning to see the problem. and if he didn't see the GAY part of it, it'd be an even bigger issue, because now he is just some man you would marry.
Talk to your boyfriend about why he's feeling so insecure - because he is. Ask him what he thinks is wrong with a gay friend. Communicate with him in general. And if he continues to be so hateful, set some ultimatums (if you can). Tell him that if he can't get over it and can't accept your best friend, then he's not good enough to be your boyfriend.
i thynk wat wuz once a joke haz benna lowed to snoball outta kontrol now itz notta joke enymor & why wud you evin consider marryin a gay guy cuz trust me it wud not werk out in eny sense of a true union how do i kno this cuz imma big HOMOSEXUAL & im telling you this joke iznt funny i feel sorry for yer bf & i will konfess i sense a lyttle bit of homofobia on the part of yer bf & thatz sumthin which aughtta be delt with but not by tormenting him this way
He doesn't want to lose you to anyone. This shouldn't even be an issue. Just stop putting your gay friend on a pedestal in front of your bf.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - I agree with this.
Your boyfriend is probably uncomfortable about the fact that you really WOULD marry your gay BFF. An innocent joke like that turns into a fear for him because it's not a 100% joke. I agree that he's a bit insecure, but you're not helping by saying you would "give it a try." If you WERE completely kidding, then I'd say he definitely needs to lighten up, but I think you're being a little insensitive as well.
@imMcupidi@xanga - I completely agree.
You are saying that you would marry your BFF, in fact you have spoken to family and friends about it. That does not sound like a joke to me. And I dont mean this to be offensive, but obviously he is questioning why you would marry a gay man.. because the man is gay. I would think he would want to wait to find a good male partner to marry. Please don't explain to your boyfriend how "funny, sweet, and thoughtful" your BFF is. Even I would feel insecure if my boyfriend talked about a close friend like that and then said, oh if I was single I would consider marrying her. He doesn't want to lose you. Just don't talk about your BFF like that around him anymore if you can help it. Good luck
I have to side with your boyfriends opinion. Although I do have several gay friends, as well as a gay brother, I know how uneasy it can be. I mean..imagine if he had a bestfriend that was a lesbian, and he said the same thing? I'm sure it would upset you, if not a lot, maybe just a little. Nagging in the back of your mind, maybe. Maybe not. I could be wrong. Hell, what do I know? I'm only sixteen. But I can understand his view. I understand yours as well, but his is just a bit more logical.
Anyhow, Good Luck with your situation.
"he's funny, caring, sweet, thoughtful, outgoing, and he understands me."
Written about a gay guy in a post that is bashing your current boyfriend.
Sounds like you're not so much in love with your boyfriend as you are with the homo.
The problem here is not gayness. The problem's pretty much you, and it's written ALL OVER your post.
To put it. Bluntly.
Most guys tend to be jealous of any other guys that hang around you, gay or not.
But I think he has the right to be upset if you say you'd give your gay best friend a try if he didn't work out.
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga - YES.
I couldn't have said it better myself.
I think if your bf is worrying too much you being so close with a gay guy, then is he really the one?
Your boyfriend doesn't trust you, because he is insecure with himself, which means he is insecure with you and your jokes.
What kind of relationship would work if there are insecurities and no trust?
Maybe he doesn't have that much of a problem with your friend being gay, because it sounds like he's more concerned with the fact you would marry him. You admitted that here, I'm sure he knows it, so yeah. He may be insecure, but who wouldn't be in this situation? You keep flaunting that around in front of your guy.
Unless you'd feel 100% comfortable with him doing the same thing to you, you shouldn't complain.
Just talk to him about it, in depth. I don't see how you'll be able to make him feel better considering saying, "If we were both single and older we'd get together." is pretty much saying, "Yep, if we fail..."
:/
I think your boyfriend is just insecure. The funny part is that he is insecure about you being close with a gay guy. That just says a lot of about his insecurity. Imagine what he'd be like when you are close with a straight guy.
I don't think there is any way for you to change his insecurity problem. It's his issue and he has to work on it himself.
Maybe it's not such a good idea to list your BFF's wonderful qualities. You can defend him by describing him in a more general but still positive way. The way you described him made it sound like he's everything you could want in a guy and that is definitely NOT what your boyfriend wants to hear. He might even be overemphasizing your BFF's gayness as a way to vent his frustration over your apparent deference to your BFF.
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@Theophilus166@xanga - I agree with everything you said!
As for the entry... You seem to be contradicting yourself regarding your gay best friend being a platonic friend. Your boyfriend may have some security issues to work with, but it sounds like you're not helping the cause to begin with.
It isn't a silly issue. I think it's quite serious. Somehow, it feels like he doesn't accept that one friend, and that's probably a huge problem. I don't know the whole story, but I think you might want to talk to him about this acceptance issue. If he can't get over the fact that it was a joke, then there's something holding him back that could potentially hurt the relationship. Good luck!
tell him, "Seriously, it was ONLY a joke!"
He should be able to get over it.
& My boyfriend says he doesn't understand why girls can be soooooo close to gay guys. It must just be a straight guy thing. My gay friends are great people!