Wednesday, 18 February 2009
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My Roommate Is The Doormat in His Relationship
So here's the situation as I understand it.My roommate has been dating this girl for almost two years now. From my perspective, it's a rotten relationship on his end. They have both made mistakes. I'll list a few.
He went around on Facebook and MySpace, posting lewd comments on girl photos, things like "Nice rack!" She totally flipped out and was angry for a while. He deleted his MySpace and Facebook accounts, and she said he was not allowed to have one anymore.
She has cheated on him, emotionally and physically, a few times. Before they started dating, she had gotten pregnant with her previous boyfriend and had an abortion. After they'd been dating for a year or so, he found out that she had been talking to him. Going through her texts from the past couple days, she had sent him one that said "I love you". Naturally, he was pissed off and confronted her. She got mad at him for going through her phone.
Now, if it was me, I would've broken up with her and cut off communication with her for a while. If anything, to teach her a lesson. They, however, talked it out and she managed to convince him that he was overreacting. She apologized, deleted the guy's number, and they were back together again. Turns out, while they were broken up for those couple of days, she had sex with some other guy "because she was sad". Give me a break.She's done other things, like lie to him, saying she's staying at home for the night, and really she's going to a party and getting drunk. Told him that she only talked to this guy when really they made out.
Here's the problem: my roommate has the emotions of a woman. He's convinced himself that he loves her and that he can't be without her. She knows this and is using it to do whatever she wants. She's learned the dance and knows how to make him come crawling back every time he breaks up with her. And he falls for it every time.
He's one of my best friends, and what she does to him pisses me off. He tries so hard and wants it to work so badly, and she treats him like garbage. I mean, she cries and cries when he comes down on her for the stupid crap she does and says "I want to be with you!" And he basically tells her, "Okay, but if you want to be with me, you can't cheat on me." WHAT??? Do you honestly have to lay that down as a rule?! He could do so much better, and he deserves so much better.
How many more times is it going to take for him to finally make the break final?
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- From: ColonelSanders@xanga
- Name: Michael
- Location: Texas, United States
- About Me: Ya'll know me... my name's cornbread.
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Comments (41)
He may not break at all. As a friend, you should communicate your concern in a sensible manner that won't kill your friendship.
he must have a low self-esteem. can't be anything else.
and usually this situation is flipped over, where the guy is doing all the cheating. (i might be being sexist because i hate most men)
anyway you should talk to him about it instead of posting it on xanga. if he doesn't wanna hear about it, then i say it's going to take at least10 more f ups from the girl before he breaks things off
I'd just sit down, tell him it pains you to see him go through this cause you two are friends. Tell him you know, and aren't trying to tell him what to do, but that he just deserves better than this. Tell him that you're there if he needs any help.
Unfortunately, anything you say is generally going to not work at all, because it sounds like he's made his mind up. I feel you on that one. It sucks watching a friend in a bad relationship.
You just need to realize that he choses to put up with it. It's harsh and maybe inconsiderate sounding, but it's the truth. I have only minimal sympathy for someone long when they keep making the same mistakes.
He's not going to get out of the pattern. I had a friend who went through something similar to this. The girlfriend kept cheating on him, was abusive, etc. My friend only broke up after i talked to him a bajillion times to break up for his own good. He couldn't ever stop himself because he was caught in a trap that he shouldn't have fell into more than twice. Do your friend a favor and next time he breaks up with her, tell him that she is never going to change so there is no point in letting her back into his life.
@kusakusakiwi@xanga - I agree there, she's treating him like dirt. Unbelievable.
The girl needs to grow up before being in a relationship. Maybe you should have him ask himself if she should take him back if he did all the things she's done.
she's disgusting.
Love isn't enough. The relationship is dysfunctional, and it sounds like she isn't mature enough to be in a committed relationship with anyone, and definitely not with him. One important way to look at a relationship is broken down into categories and see if things are IMPROVING or GETTING WORSE. Things like trust. If they're getting worse, either you try to get them to start getting better, or you cut the cord. Why be in a relationship that's going downhill and you can't stop it? There's a difference between being having highs and lows in a relationship, and one that's free-falling from a cliff. You ride out the highs and the lows, yes, but you have to know the difference. That being said, he can do an 8 stages analysis to help him figure out how many sides of his relationship is failing (shameless plug):
http://www.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/692582182/aa-8-stages-to-a-great-relationship-part-1/
He probably will get tired of it and break it off eventually, but it will most likely take way longer than you want it to. Do tell him you hate to see him hurt by her, and try to make sure the two of you have plenty of guys nights so he knows he still has his buddies.
A few things not to do: don't criticize her. Yes, she is behaving like the queen of hearts with PMS while on a bad trip, but he believes he's in love with her, and criticizing her will only make him want to defend her. And don't accuse him of being stupid or wimpy for putting up with it. Yes, he is putting up with way too much, but he doesn't really need the ego blow right now.
It's better to tell him he doesn't seem happy in the situation and that you're concerned about him, or however guys prefer to say that to each other. And maybe introduce him to some nice, rational, grown up girls. He doesn't have to date them, but it might help him see there are other women out there.
my bf has the emotions of a woman...and it's hard as a girl to deal with that sometimes. it's weird being compared and pegged as the one with "guy emotions". i think we take for granted what we really have, a sensitive guy...a somewhat rare find, i believe.
he's probably thinking he can't find anyone better and that if he loses this girl, he'll be alone forever. being alone is scary for some people. i'd say just talk to him or...i'm not sure how much you guys hang out or whatever, but try to hang out with him more without her so he can see he has fun without her.
good luck.
The least you can do is sit him down and voice out your concerns for him. The ultimate choice is his if he still wants to be with her or not.
When you think you're in love or in lust, it blinds you. You know your significant other is cheating and treating like dirt but somehow, someway, you accept their behavior and have a little glimpse of hope that they will change in the back of your mind.
Though I hate to see anyone go through this, it's their choice to stop it or continue to allow it to happen to them. Not only that but it may be that he has low self esteem and feels that he can't be loved (or deserve better) from anyone else. Or, he just don't want to be alone.
Be a friend and guide him with his relationships. Obviously, there is something in her (or even himself) that he can't break from this relationship.
He might be having some self-esteem issues and probably thinks that he doesn't deserve anything better, even though that's really not the case. At this point, there's no talking it out with this girl bc she's a repeat offender w/ cheating. Dump her and move on. Easier said than done, I know. But the sooner he does it, the better. He's only hurting himself more by remaining in this abusive relationship. And yes, I think that's an appropriate word.
"Here's the problem: my roommate has the emotions of a woman"
lolz.
Haha wow ya that is EXACTLY the kind of relationship my ex boyfriend is in that i am trying DEATHLY to get him out of it, but people are stupid in love and even the people we love, will hurt us the most,
i am fed up with this shit as well. it is definately a self esteem issue,
and people do not change your self esteem for the better, you do.
i should realize this situation will continue as long as his self esteem continues like this and stop trying to fix it, even though i love him.
rawr.
this kind of reminded me of some earlier datingish posts about why girls stay in abusive relationship...just that in this case the table is flipped.
your friend needs to be rescued.
just rape her in the nose.
Talk to him about it, but be careful not to let this ruin your friendship.
he needs to work on his self-esteem issues. no girl is going to respect him unless he makes it clear that he respects himself.
you should probably try to make him understand how he is "too good" for her.
<3
He will not learn until one day she truly crosses him.
Until all you can do is either wait or try to tell him that this girl is a waste of his time.Good luck with either one.
firstly, i would like to say, THAT GIRL IS A BITCH.
okay, now that thats been cleared up.
i really think you need to tell your friend what youve been observing, but in a way that will enlighten him and not piss him off, y'know? thats the best you can do for now; what you do next cant be planned. it is based upon the reaction of your best friend.
You willing to risk it? Show him this entry. Make him read it, and the comments below. If he has a brain, he'll realize that his relationship needs to end.
I'm sorry but your friend is a retard.
@karmaprincesa@xanga - A little bit harsh but I can agree.
First, that girl is a total skank who needs to get bitten by karma and get an STD or something. But that's just me.
Second, talk to your friend. He has low self-esteem and you need to keep that in mind. Just talk to him about the whole situation because he needs to dump that girl and find someone else.
My ex-bf went through a similar experience with his ex. She would cheat on him constantly and each time he confronted her about her actions, she would make excuses and other kinds of crap to manipulate him. -_-
Talk to him about it. He obviously has self-esteem issues and needs to take care of that. Otherwise, he'll encounter similar problems with other girls in the future. :\
No offense, but if he doesn't wake up now, he's going to have that leash around him for life...or until she gets tired of the relationship and screws him over. Does he think there aren't any other better girls out there? Good luck. I hope someone talks him out of staying with her.
Just from his first words "Okay but" shows that he will accept her no matter what she does and then tacks on a weak condition that he knows she will break anyway.