Wednesday, 18 February 2009
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I Feel Like I've Failed My Boyfriend
Tonight, I did something...something I've never done before, never thought I could do.It started off innocently enough. It was hot and I was lying on my bed, basking in the rare few hours of sun. My boyfriend of nearly two years had just fixed his webcam (we're LDR, sadface) so both of us were on, staring, talking, me singing and him playing guitar. Four hours and way too many clothes/word games later, it's dark and by the light of my laptop's glowing screen, I'm in my bra and underwear. Well...my ankle was in my underwear. My "under" was not.
Long story short, he was...um...frustrated (a few scratches, some sore fingers and a numb lip frustrated). What's more frustrating was the fact that I couldn't do it. Sure, I touched, I poked, I inserted. Pushed all my buttons over and over. I tried using help of all kinds. After half an hour or so, I gave up and rolled over, defeated. I just couldn't do it.
It's not that I was nervous. I didn't even show him anything, I kept my bra on and my webcam stationed on my stomach. For someone of my history (hang on about that), this thing about not being nervous is very surprising. In fact, this whole night was a huge deal for us; for me.
You see, about thirteen years ago I was raped, molested, and otherwise taken advantage of. I grew up in a household that redefined the term "abuse". I've been abused in every legal sense of the word, and if you haven't already guessed... I have serious control issues. Not that I try to control other people, but I am completely terrified of losing control of my body (I don't smoke, I don't drink and at 18 years of age, I've never once been high). The first time I ever touched myself, I cried afterwords for nearly three hours. I could taste the horrible memory in my mouth, feel what I shouldn't remember, and hear his voice...I think I threw up. I still remember being that little girl; those memories are probably the most vivid I have.
But fast forward to tonight. There I am, being the most intimate with a person I've ever been (and more turned on by the experience than I've ever been, by the way)...and I can't do it. It felt nice, and I know I was on that road, but I only got so far before it just died. Ladies, you know that point - the feeling changes and you're just so close you know it's going to happen...and then it happens. Except, when he was watching, it didn't. I tried, I pretended like he wasn't there, even tried watching him. I would just get so close and then hit a dead end, and suddenly it was gone.
I so badly wanted for it to happen... to show him... and now I feel like I've failed him somehow. He's coming to visit this summer and more than likely we'll be in a closer encounter than tonight. What do I do then, when I can't and he feels like he's not good enough?
What do I do? Anyone out there a psych major or a shrink? Anyone seen or been in this experience before?
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Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 0 Views: 0 0 Comments: 0 0 View all posts by ScreamingYourSecrets@xanga
Comments (34)
Remember that communication is key in relationships. When he goes to you and if you feel comfortable attempting again, tell him if you aren't able to do it at any point in time. Even if you're not comfortable, tell him why. You shouldn't feel like you failed him. It's not like you can just choose how you feel about certain things, especially something like this.
If you're trying, and he knows it (whether it is by you telling him or showing him that you're trying), then what more can you ask for? Take it slow, don't rush things. Trying to rush them could only make it worse.
If you feel the actual need to, it'd probably be helpful to get some professional help, though I've never had it and can't really say how well it'll work.
Hope it gets better. Good luck! =)
First of all, you did not fail your boyfriend. You have an emotional scar which can be understood after what you've gone through. Is there anyone/anywhere you can go to talk? It sounds like there may be some obstacles that need to be confronted or surpassed before your relationship can move on.
I was "assulted" as well, but I was older and it was by a boyfriend, so I genuinely feel for you, dear!
Yeah, you should really try talking to someone. As horrible and hard as it was, talking could make it so much easier for you.
And as far as failing your boyfriend, no no no. I wouldn't have even been able to turn on that webcam knowing what was going to happen, and considering your situation you went really far with "that" already. If he knows about your history he shouldn't be the least bit mad upset or frusrated with you. If he is than he doesn't understand and I'd highly suggest rethinking your relationship.
tell him how you feel, you should feel like you fail him because is not your fault that you have those bad memories..talk to someone, by talking it helps..hope everything gets fix..
You did not fail him, absolutely not. I mean, with your history you were brave enough to even go that far. But then again, what do I know. As everyone else said, you just need to talk to someone. Talking really helps you work things out, allows you to find out more about yourself, realize more things and it also gives the support you need.
you did not fail him. to go even that far was a huge step and if he knows you, he knows that. don't rush anything, stay at your own pace, and definitely talk to your bf about that stuff if you haven't before, so he understands everything going on with you. good luck :)
Aw...in no way did you fail him at all, dear. It's he that fails you if he fails to take care of you. If he's at all upset or angry with you, then he's not the right guy for you. You definitely need one who will drop all his wants and needs and pay attention to you the moment you become uncomfortable and upset over something that reminds you of your horrible past.
I started out believing in no sexual activity at all before marriage, but things got a little more sexual in the two years that I dated my high school boyfriend. Sometimes I'd start regretting something I did with him, but he was so caring, and he wanted above all for me to be happy and comfortable with what we did. He was willing to wait as long as I needed.
If that's not the kind of guy you have, then you can definitely find one who's better.
It's ok. You are in no way obligated to orgasm for your boyfriend. I can't entirely relate since I don't share your history, but I do have trouble climaxing when I'm with my boyfriend in person (we're also LDR). I also feel guilty sometimes, but there is no need to.
Talk with your bf --does he know about your past? Or if you're not comfortable talking to him about that yet, that's ok too, but don't feel like you have to be sexual to please him. Don't lie to him about not being able to get off (I did that...yeah, it doesn't help), just be honest. He should understand.
In fact, in a lot of therapy for couples who have trouble climaxing, their "assignment" is to explore each other but they aren't allowed to climax. This really takes the pressure off, since you can just focus on the feelings and not feel like you have to get off. In your case, there are many more factors, so I would suggest talking to a professional who can help you. Good luck!
Girl, you are feeling what anyone would have felt in your position. It's a huge leap, even doing what you did, and it shows that you're healing from it. He'd understand that if he knew what you went through. It's not your fault, nor your problem. It takes time to heal from these things! I was molested by the man who brought me to church every Sunday when I was 16. When I was ready to have sex with my fiance, it took some time for me to go through with it. I kept shying away && it gave me a filthy feeling. I wasn't so fortunate to have an understanding boyfriend. I felt like I was failing him and I didn't know what to do. But in the end I got through with it because I loved him. It helped me get through what happened and I found out sex can be a great thing. As for your boyfriend, it'll be so much easier knowing that he loves you. It'll happen when you're ready for it.
You did not fail anybody, not him, nor yourself. Be proud that you've gone this far because many people of similar pasts are hard to trust people. You've already trusted him enough to show your body and show an intimate side of you.
It may be a good idea to talk to a professional. Us Xangans will be able to provide verbal support but a professional will help you in healing the wounds, making a healthy relationships probable.
Go at your own pace, your boyfriend will understand.
don't worry...guys have anxiety / performance issues too
Ok well I was raped when I was 14, by my "boyfriend" I stayed with him after that, (he was physically & verbally abusive, I put up with it for 3 years on and off). I am currently 17 now, and just had sex with my boyfriend, it took time, it started out just be comfortable with his hand being on my stomach, the first time we did anything other than make out, I cried, I relived the memories, and he stopped the moment I said to and just held me..Tell your boyfriend that it will take time and that if you say stop at any point that he really needs to stop and just hold you and let you know everythings okay.
You didn't fail your boyfriend at all. I think you're probably putting a lot of pressure on yourself - you feel like this is a step you SHOULD get over and like you SHOULD be able to do this for your boyfriend. But truly, everything will come together for you at the right time. Don't try to force yourself or you'll just end up becoming frustrated. The entire point of sexual activity is to enjoy yourself and have fun - don't let your mind see it as a duty. :)
lucky enough, i am both a psyc major and have been molested etc. when i was younger by my moms boyfriend. lifes funny like that i guess. anyway, you have not failed your boyfriend. im positive that he appreciates wut you did for him, even if you did not orgasm. does he know your situation? if he does, then i am sure he understands that you will need time to heal from your childhood. it took me months to do anything more than hug and kiss my boyfriend, and he was totally understanding about it.
but do not worry about all that right now. orgasming for your boyfriend should not be your priority right now. healing should be. time does not heal all wounds. just because it has been 13 years does not mean that you are ready to do anything. talk to your boyfriend, your friends, and anyone else who cares about you. seek help from them or from a professional. take as much time as you need to heal.
only when you learn to let go of your past and feel better about yourself can you fully enjoy sex with someone who cares about you. good luck.
You definitely didn't fail your boyfriend. Remember that one of the biggest parts of a relationship is being able to communicate honestly with each other. The best thing you can do is talk to your boyfriend.
You failed nobody. However, it may be necessary to let him know why you're having troubles. Sometimes if the boyfriend knows the past, they'll know how to treat you better. My girlfriend told me a lot about her past, and I told myself I would try my best to make her happy so she'll never have to cry again. I'm sure that your boyfriend would do the same, because no good guy would be content with simply having their girlfriend. They'd try to do whatever they could to make their girl's life happier. At least that's what I want to believe.
If he does not know your situation, you should tell him. Communication goes a long way with any relationships. You did not fail him and I think you put in too much pressure on yourself to please him. The fact is, you tried. And if he knows and understand your situation, he will be content that you went out on your way for him. Even though you couldn't get to the point, there will be other times that you are comfortable (and ready) enough to do it.
Aw, honey, you're emotionally scarred. Surely your boyfriend understands that.
:) Take it slow. A trauma isn't something you can get over easily.
See a peer-counseling for this. :( I believe it's free, especially if you find the right group.
Good luck! My friend's roommate was raped too and she went to seek for counseling. :)
You never, ever "failed" him. It was a massive step to even go as far as you did and feel what you did. It'll take time, and more moments like this for the deep lasting emotional scar that you have to fade away. It's always going to be there, but the more positive experiences that you have the easier it'll be.
Everyone has performance issues and anxieties, and it's not going to happen every time you try - especially for girls. Goodness knows the number of times I've been intimate with my fiancee and all of a sudden it just dies... and there's nothing that you can do about it. It just makes the times when you DO climax all the more special and amazing :)
Like a few of the other commentators have posted, just talk it over as best you can with your boyfriend. He sounds like he'll be extremely understanding, and that's all you can ask for.
Good luck, and I just want to say how courageous you are. It's not an easy thing to deal with abuse, but you seem to be incredibly strong.
I don't think sex is something you can handle at this point right now, and if he is any good of a boyfriend, he'll understand and won't pressure you. And if you're going to have sex just to not disappoint him, or because you feel you have to make up for your emotional baggage, then you fail yourself.
HAVE SEX WHEN YOU ARE READY. Physically and emotionally.
<3
You did nothing wrong, you don't need to put yourself down.
you dont have to sleep with him in order to show you love him. If you trust him you should tell him your situation. He should be able to understand if he loves you. The issues your having were the issues i had with my past girl friend. One thing i never did was pressure her to have sex. We only did it if she felt comfortable doing it and she trusted me. I always left it up to her. Trust me it took time and patience but i didnt mind because i loved her. Still love her actually...
Xo
You didn't fail him.
You went through a terrifying experience; this is a big step for you. He should understand that after all you've been through, this is quite the commitment.
Do it when you're ready. <3