Hi. My name's Mari. I'm an 18-year-old chick trying to be a normal college student while raising a five-month-old daughter. That is my life. I could give you all the depressing details of how I got here, but let's not.
I am writing this specific blog to complain completely and totally about the man who was suppose to be there for me and my child...but obviously isn't. We were dating for two years and yet he up and left. I would like to understand why and how this happened. I truly believed he loved me. When I was pregnant, a more loving guy you couldn't find. The baby was born and he was right there, picking up all my slack. A month went by and he was gone. Did reality hit him in the face? Did he not want to be with us anymore? Was there something more important? I'm so outrageously confused.
I don't understand how you could leave your child or someone you said was to be your wife. I don't want to say I was blind but hell, maybe I was. Now I have a child, who is a blessing in many ways, but no man. I'm not saying I need one, but I'll admit, a companion would be nice. I'm not trying to find someone to take over for my child's father, but someone I could talk to would be nice. Now it seems like no one wants to talk to me or be with me.
I'm not desperate, just hella irritated. I didn't want to be here. Ever. And I'm sure I'm not alone. There are probably many woman out there whose men have left them. It doesn't ease the pain to think, "Oh. I'm not alone"...not in the least. So what can we, as women, do to prevent this from happening in the future? To ease our pain?
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Comments (31)
Oh fucking damn...not good, not good at all..I don't know what to say..
This sudden leaving seems to be a common trend these days..
I'm sorry that he took the coward way out. Life is a learning experience. Some lessons are harder than others. But there's nothing we can do to prevent it. Every relationship will be different and everytime someone leaves, they'll leave you with a void and pain... I wish I knew of ways or things to say that can ease the pain. But really I havent found "it" yet.
And honestly, sometimes its not you... it really is them. They made that choice to go. It was their decision to "give up", not because you or the baby wasnt worth it anymore, but they just didnt want to put in that effort. It's funny how I'm here voicing my opinions when I'm going through rough patches of my own. I wish I could take my own advice sometimes. But yes, know that you're not alone.
This will mature you and this will definitely make you a much stronger person. Good luck sweetie. :o)
time heals all.
Honestly, I would of waited until I was in a committed relationship (marriage) and financially stable to even think about having a child with a man. Knowing that in the back of my mind, it would give me more confidence and hope in the future with the family that I started.
You try to do the best you can with or without him.
Sometimes they will promised us the world but leave as if they have no promises to live up to. There could be a million of reasons why he left or none at all. Maybe he chickened out. Maybe he couldn't take the responsibility as a father. Maybe this isn't for him or what he expected. Who knows?
The disappearing act never seem to amaze me. If you're not ready for it, don't start too early.
Sometimes it's inevitable: there are guys in the world who will one moment tell you that you are their wife and then the next thing you know, they've packed up and left.
I'm sorry you ended up with a guy like that. And as for easing the pain, the saying "time heals all wounds" immediately comes to mind, but it's not true in every case. Not all wounds can be healed by time: some just heal on their own while others become scars, serving as little reminders of our past.
There's no clear answer as to how to ease the pain of being left behind by someone who said they loved you but meant nothing. It'll hurt at first but you pick yourself right back up and you move on as time goes by.
Since you're a new mother, don't focus on the past -- the father of your baby. Instead, dedicate yourself to the future -- you and your baby.
Hope things get better for you and the baby, and congratulations on a baby girl!
I feel where you're coming from, and what I urge is for you to use caution when you get back into dating- we can't just bring anyone around our children. And never settle for less, the right one will come eventually- try not to seek him out.
Now back to something you mentioned- that no one wants to be with you. For companionship, you're going to likely need to look outside your age bracket, because guys your age just are not mature enough. You seem pretty level-headed, and right now the last thing you need is games...most guys are going to try and play those games. Don't let them.
I don't know what your faith is, but I believe that people who do things like what he did are low, small people who will get theirs eventually- it never fails. Just focus on being the best mother you can be, because it's the most important (and toughest) job you'll ever have in life.
And a few last pieces of advice 1.) file for child support, it's his duty and they will find him 2.) if he pops back up, do not take him back.
@Whispers_of_Wind@xanga - unfortunately it is
@msmiss - Hm, why is that? I seriously read an article about it everyday..or have it happen to someone. It's also happened to me. hahaha.
I had my comment composing in my head as I read other comments, and msmiss pretty much nailed mine. But I'll restate in different words.
Make child support a priority... its his legal responsibility. Even if he doesnt come through NOW, if this is on record and being kept track of, they will eventually get him. I know a guy who's tax refunds go directly to his child support bill.
I do slightly disagree about not taking him back. I don't think I would consider that any time in the near future if he should be interested...but I would say not to rule it out. You both are young, a baby is alot... and someone said they would've thought long and hard before planning a baby with a man..but you never said this was a plan... so I'm going to assume the pregnancy was an accident.
While you are experiencing the bigger sense of change, the guys do too.. so he may mature and grow up a bit and decide to stand up and be a man... he may not.. you just never can tell.
I wouldn't WAIT on him...but dont just rule it out. And when you get to a point of dating again, I'm back with msmiss... you have to be careful about who you bring around.
I also am totally with her on the age bracket thing. Guys your age are generally not very stable or dependable in a situation like yours... widen your scope of possible dates...
Stay strong. You havea beautiful daughter who will be your heart the rest of your life.
That must be really tough.
I don't know what it's like to be a single mother, but a close friend of mine is. At first her being pregnant was a shock and somewhat devastating, but she and her boyfriend picked things up and seemed like they were on the right track. The baby's 1st birthday hadn't even come up before they started having problems. And now they're broken up.
I guess she could see it coming, whereas the father of your child just left without a word. I think that's just cowardly and stupid...I can't understand how someone can act so selfishly.
All you can do is let time heal your wounds. Seek comfort in your family and friends. And most importantly, be the best mother you can be for your child. I wish the absolute best for you and the baby.
I hope things get better for you. I know exactly how you feel. I love my son more than anything, but I need a friend too. <3
~Lynnsey
just curious ~ how old is he ~?
I can't say that I can relate to your situation, but as is the case when any relationship ends, you will find someone as good as the last person or better. There are men out there who would be wonderful fathers who would be more than happy to date a single mother. It can't be easy by any means, but all you can do is wait, let time ease things, and eventually you will find someone who is what your ex should have been. To sound cheesy: I would say to just have hope. In the meantime, you have a perfect, beautiful baby to love. I wish you the best.
Baby changes everything. Lovers come and go, perhaps the only way to somewhat ensure that one will stay is to marry him.
You're eighteen, and I'm sure he's a teenager, too. He's not prepared at all to be a father, and some just lack the conscience that prevents them from up and leaving.
My parents always told me to date, get a stable job, marry, and then have babies, in that order. It seems give one a better chance at having a happy, stable family.
Hmm...having a baby at this age is pretty ridiculous, so there might be a lot of hidden issues behind this manifestation (or perhaps just pure innonence?).
I can't really give any constructive critcism for your situation, because there are just simply too many parenthood skills to go over, not to mention its prerequisite ...those countless relationship skill (which is kinda where your level is)...and plus those career building topics and meaning of life and ...
The immediate solution would then be forget the ex and start looking the "right" man to carry all your baggages. But the whole approach just doesn't sound promising (you probably need guys above age of 35 to even have a chance).
The wise solution is a long and hard one, which is for you to deal with your baggages. Work out the ones that can be worked out and accept the ones that can't be worked out. The advantage of this is that it's not as risky and probably better for the baby.
It always pissed me off the way men can just drop everything and run while women have to pick up the slack and then some. Who says women are the lesser sex????
A lot of guys my age have taken this attitude towards dating. They make bad choices and act irresponsibly without a second thought. Recently, I lost interest in a guy who told me of a one-night stand he had. He had sex with a girl he didn't even know and he didn't even use a condom! I asked him about the girl and he said, "Dunno. Dun care. But I wouldn't do that to you though". He bragged about it like it was a big achievement and when he saw my disgust he acted as if that last bit was supposed to make up for it.
Anyway, I'm sorry that happened to you. If you've lost something, try to think more about what you DO have. You have your baby (!), your life, and a bright future ahead of you. I know it sounds corny but it'll only bring you pain to dwell on what you have lost. If you're still in the past, how can you step towards the future?
I too am a newly single mom, and it doesn't get any easier when you are older. I'm 27 with two kids in tow and talk about lack of options in dating! ;) It doesn't bother me too much though, I've had much more time for myself now that I am not taking care of my ex along with the children. A book that may help is Storms Can't Hurt the Sky, it was very insightful in how to deal with the anger of a SO just walking away from the relationship.
I think he's just scared .....and sometimes its essayer to get up and leave than to work things out. Your 18, I'm sure you'll find "the one" one day and that guy would be there every step of the way for you and your son. Try not to rush into things with other guys just because your trying to find the father figure for your son, just let him find you.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. The great thing that came out of this is your baby boy. You will always have your baby boy to look up to you, love you with all his heart and to take care of his brave mommy. He's already a jerk for doing this, maybe it was a good thing that he left already. You wouldn't want him to do it when your baby boy is older and realizes he will never see his daddy again, or the custody battles. It's a good thing you saw it earlier than later.
//So what can we, as women, do to prevent this from happening in the future? To ease our pain? //
Get some damn self-control.
tell me where he lives, i'll cut off his balls for you hun
bastard
The problem is, men mature alot slower than women. However, he doesnt have that priviledge because hes a father now. He needs to man up and stop being a pussy.
I'm sorry to hear about your situation first and foremost. Unfortunately, like many have said before me, it's a life experience/lesson. I hope you will soon find the happiness you deserve. Moving on is easier said than done, but I know you will focus on your lovely child and stay strong. As for the coward, Karma a b-i-you know how the spell the rest.
im assuming hes in his teens as well so maybe he did get scared, maybe reality did hit him in the face but what he did was wrong. he shouldnt leave like that, thats not being responsible. not actions of a "man".
its a good thing your not looking for a man to take care of you and your child, i applaud that. it takes a strong woman to pick up everything and be the sole provider especially at such a young age. you have to be strong, realize whats done is done and life must go on. if he ever comes back, you should think carefully. dont get hurt again. your still young you have your whole life ahead of you and now you have somebody thats relying on you (your baby) dont let her down but most importantly dont let yourself down.
@msmiss - child support is definitely a big deal.
I also want you to understand how important it is for you to explain to your child, when he/she is old enough, that it is NOT his/her fault that your man up and left. I can tell you from experience that until it is explicitly explained, your child is going to feel guilty about your broken relationship.
Also, its your duty to the child to be the strongest mother you can be. Don't get together with someone just for the support or monetary security (again, speaking from experience). It may seem worth it in the immediate future, but it's far more painful for you and the child than you can fathom.
And I'm not sure I agree with msmiss about not taking him back, either. If you legitimately forgive him and believe that he is a changed man, take him back. But don't take him back just because you're lonely and need him to pick up your slack. You and your child are worth more than that kind of giving in.
So good luck, and be strong!