I had a talk with my coworker the other day, as she was talking about her Valentine's Day, and how she was going to spend it with her on-again-off-again ex. She said, "It was a waste of my time," which made me want to post this blog I've written earlier this month.
I like to analyze my past relationships and make sure I don't repeat the same mistakes...or do the same things, or if I really loved the guy. For those 4 years of dating on and off and never being official, but just friends with benefits...It was all for nothing. A wasted effort. A try that never counted. No matter how long I waited, it didn't matter. But why did I hold on for so long?
I came to the conclusion that I was, immature. stupid. dumb. naive. young.
And sadly, I regret being in that relationship throughout my high school life. I'm a weak person, and it just destroyed my optimistic side, my carefree spirit; it killed me. Maybe I've gained a few things, I've matured my heart, I learned and understand...But then I realized...
How long should a person be in a relationship before it's just a waste of time?
I'm in this 8th month relationship and it's amazing. We're great together, but we're still young, in college, and have life ahead of us. I like to think about the future and my boyfriend just wants to live in the now, but I don't want to be strung along if there's nothing going to happen in the future.
I don't want to be in another 2-4 years of a relationship and end up with nothing. That's mainly why I stay in serious relationships. I know we're too young to consider the more adult things like marriage or children, but it's nice to know that somewhere in his heart, he wants me there with him. Or he hopes that somewhere down the road, we will still be together a year from now, or something. Is that too much to ask?
I hate responses like, "I don't know", "maybe", "No one can tell", "Just live in the moment/now", etc. They're all in between. Why can't you just know?
For me, I know that marriage and children is far off. We still have much to learn and grow and experience life. But I know that I want him there. Longer than usual. Something serious and can lead us somewhere. Because if it doesn't, and we're together for a few more years, and the idea of marriage or being there later in the future together, doesn't pass by, then it was a waste of my life for 4 years.
So what do you think? Have you ever realized a relationship was a waste of time and given up ?
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Comments (53)
the whole point of a relationship is to either find out what qualities/traits you want in your future spouse, and/or you want to marry your SO. i think when you go into a serious relationship, thats when you decide that the end result is aimed for marriage. else wtf is the point?
thats why high school relationships are dumb; hardly anyone knows what they want when they're that young. imo, you're the one being mature right now. it doesn't matter if you are 20 or 40. if you feel youre ready to talk about it (doesn't mean doing it necessarily), then youre ready :)
and yea, i've wasted a lot of time on a guy who just wanted to do it. i regret it, but i've also learned a lot and can now easily identify which guys are actually worth my time, vs sleaze bags like that one. just be careful about not making the same mistake again
Yeah, and it sucks when you wake up and realize your relationship was a waste. I spent 7 years with this girl only to wake up one morning and realize that the relationship just wasn't there anymore.
When you're young, what you really should be looking for is a partner in crime; someone who wants to have their life kinda head in the same direction as yours. Then the relationship will be more enjoyable, because you'll have that common bond. Without that commonality, you'll find that it's hard work to keep things together.
Sorry if the advice is sucky, but it's really all about determining what you're willing to stand up and fight for.
Oh boy, I understand completely. I'm a college freshman, and have been with my high school sweetheart for a year now, and I'm feeling the same way. I hope we'll last at least another year, because this is too good for us to give up on. He's leaving for a university this fall, so it's going to be really tough..but I'm hoping for the best.
I definitely understand where you're coming from, and I wish you the best of luck. If you can truly see yourself with this guy for many years to come, then that's a wonderful thing, and something you should hold on to. You're right, we are young, (I'm just shy of 19), but some people do find the right person at this age. Stay optimistic, and even if things don't work out with our guys..at least they were a part of our lives, and we enjoyed every moment with them. That's the important part in the end. It won't feel like a waste. :)
what if you dont know
personally i keep going back and forth
i hate it but i can't help it, i dont know which feeling to follow
I totally agree with you about dating for the purpose of finding someone to marry. I can see why people would want to date for fun, just because they can... but it's so much more fulfilling to be with someone who you could possibly spend the rest of your life with!
That's really too bad that the future doesn't seem to be very important to him. I'd say wait it out for another 6 months, then ask him again about the future. If he still says he doesn't know, then I'd probably tell him that I couldn't be with someone who can't promise to be with me for at least a few years. But that's just me.
I'm kind of in the opposite situation, although the problem remains the same... My boyfriend has already decided that i'm "The One" for him, and he is set on marrying me. It's wonderful. But I can't say for sure that he's my future husband! We're too young! >.< I don't know how long I should stay in this relationship and lead him on... because it would be pointless if we didn't end up getting married. We've been together for about three years now. I'm wondering when I'll be able to say "yes... let's get married."
i agree....i think the majority of people date just to be with someone, which is useless and creates a lot of unnecessary heartache. you should never date someone you can't see spending a good chunk of your life with- someone with similar goals/dreams and complimenting personality to yours.
on the other hand, yes- i wasted 2 years in college with a guy who was completely useless. i think i always knew i shouldn't be with him but he was a rebound from when i broke up with my first love (who i'm now married to, having gained my senses; lol). and even though i learned a lot about myself and about life during that time, i wouldn't recommend anyone else go to the same school i did to get those lessons.
:)
@follow_home@xanga - aww that's so sweet! :D
Why must a relationship be labeled a waste of time if it doesn't work out? So it doesn't work out? That's life. Granted an unpleasant portion of it. But if you truly like to analyze your past relationships then you must realize that you have taken something good from each relationship.
For me, I've learned that there are some great guys out there but there are also a lot of toads. I've learned that it's ok to love someone, even if they don't love you in return. My past relationships have helped me shape what I am looking for in that "til death do us part" relationship.
In my opinion, no relationship is ever a waste of time because you get companionship. Could you imagine those 4 years without a companion? Sure, maybe somewhere in those four years you overlooked someone else. But you can't dwell on what could have been. Just be happy you had someone to spend time with whether it worked out or not.
What if you date for awhile and have always thought s/he was the ONE to find out later that s/he wasn't? Things change and people change, things you believe in now, may not be the same things in the future. As long as you currently feel you two are good to go for the future, stay with it.
On the other hand, if you've been with him for awhile and feel he's not the One. Release him so you can get another great catch and for him to find someone who will cherish him also.
It's rare to find someone at a young age that you'll spend the rest of your life with. It's rare that the first person you date is the one you'll marry. People get too stuck on "is this guy/girl the one for me?" Every relationship has a purpose. Every relationship teaches you something. I'm a firm believer in the idea that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it takes years after the fact to learn the reason. Sometimes you never learn the reason. Every experience in a relationship teaches you something about yourself, something about what you want in a relationship or something about what you don't want. Of course we all hope our current relationship could be "the one", but if it's not that doesn't mean it's a waste of time.
Ask yourself these questions: am I still growing in this relationship? Am I still learning things about myself? Do I want something very different than what my SO does? Has this relationship stagnated?
Reflect upon your relationship and maybe you'll answer your own question. Is it time to let go, or continue to hang on?
to categorize a 'relationship' of any kind as "a waste of time" is a bit crude isn't it? look, i was in a serious relationship for 9 months with a man that i thought was the guy I meet at the end of the isle on my wedding day. yeah, i might have thought about marriage too soon but i felt it in my gut that he could very well be "the one." however, as i went about solidifying my dreams, he admitted that "if it was up to me, i'd never get married and i don't ever want kids" and that pretty much put the stop to things.
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Long story short, it depends what you're looking for. I'm not using my "would like to find the one so I can marry and have kids" brain. I'm more focused in living my life as fully as possible BUT I love him. That still remains a fact. I still love him and he still loves me and although we are not "the one" for each other, it's worth holding onto. I suppose when one or both of us meet someone we want to invest full attention to... then this arrangement (plz don't call it an open relationship or friends with benefits because it is neither; it's a DATING stage) will prob. come to an end. However, for the time being, it fits what I'm looking for. And no, my ex isn't the only man in my life either. I'm single and I'm dating so hear me roar!
Good luck. :)
Just try to think and decide what it is that you really want NOW. Yes, it's important to plan about the future but are you ready to really think that far ahead?
I think what you are saying makes complete since. But I find that sometimes taking it seriously at the beginning turns people off. I want to have fun as well but it is hard for not to want some connection toward the beginning, some knowing that that person actually cares and may want to be with me, even if it just a committed relationship between us. It irritates me when people say they will go out with you but not exclusively, though I understand the need for people to protect themselves.
College is not too young to be thinking about marriage and stuff. In fact, it's precisely when you should be because, after that, you two are just gonna be lost in the wind if you don't make plans and commitments now.
If you've already been dating for awhile (like several months/a year), then I would have a serious talk with him and, if he is not thinking you two have a future, then cut him loose. If you haven't been dating for very long (like only a few months), then just give him some time.
I dated in my single years because I liked that person and I wanted to know him more. I wanted to see what will become of "us" if we worked out in the long run. Of course I have my heart broken many times along the way but those failed relationships taught me how to better myself and the next relationship with whomever. Those time that I spent with those persons wasn't wasted. It actually opened my eyes and see who I really want and need to settle down with in the near future.
You can plan to spend the rest of your life with someone whom you are serious with, but you never know what's going to happen. It's true. In a blink of an eye, everything can change. Though you can plan and be more confident about your future, also take a step back and take one step at a time.
Honestly, I'm the kind of girl that lives in the moment. You never know what's going to happen tomorrow or who you are going to lose. Just enjoy the moment with them while you are still with them.
If he's the one, he is. If not, you both tried. Learn something from it. And move on.
@onlyjustbegun@xanga - I'm in the same situation with my BF. He seems so sure we'll end up together and I just try and inject some realism into the discussion, because our lives could take in very different directions. It's too early to tell. Apparently, that makes me a buzzkill, haha!
Everyone has their own timeline for realizing when the relationship is a waste of time. When I know that it's a sinking ship, I get on my personal life raft and bail out ASAP. Of course I try to save the ship first, but you can only try for so long and you can't do it alone. Life is too short and precious to stay with someone who doesn't love you, to deal with unnecessary emotional drama, etc. when there's another person out there who is better for you. That being said, I believe every relationship, waste of time or not, serves as a valuable lesson for our personal growth in having a successful relationship.
I feel the exact same as you... and reading all these comments helped a lot! Thanks guys!
Its a hard call. I'm almost 20 years old, and I'm pretty much going to be entering into my first "relationship" and we talked beforehand about our feelings and we feel that we'd want to be together for awhile, the "long haul" i'd suppose you call it. As far as marriage we know its far down in our future, and we're not exactly thinking its going to be with each other, we're just going to let things happen. Though I believe that not every relationship has to be about "finding out whether I should marry this person" if you feel you want those things with him in the distant future, and he doesn't than maybe I would move on til you find someone that does. Depsite my different approach to relationships, I do believe that you should be with someone who generally wants the same things as you, whether it's in the long run or near future. I would just have a good long conversation to see where he stands, and based on how you feel after that, make a decision
To me, it wasn't a waste of time...Okay - maybe the times we fougth when we should've been happy or content with one another.
It was wasted time when we spent days and nights mad at each other when we forgot what we were no longer mad about.
It was wasted time holding on when we knew we didn't love each other anymore.
It was wasted time trying to fall in love again when we knew we had to be apart.
It was wasted heart...
But, I don't regret it. You just know when to let go. and when to hold on.
But, I Never regretted it.
We made each other both a better person.
I would have to say that the relationships we engage in are not a "waste of time". First off things happen for a reason and it definitely is hard to understand when your heart gets broken and things don't work out the way you wanted them to. But with time you will see why things didn't work out with that person. All of the experiences we have in life are happening so that we have a better understanding of ourselves. That is how we grow as individuals.
I for one find it hard to let go, so I know how hard it can be to decide if you want out of the relationship or situation you find yourself in. I think that eventually things will play out and with time you'll know if things are to be or not.
I'd say enjoy your time and growth with the person you are with right now. If things are meant to be then they'll be. But if not, then this relationship would teach you something about yourself and it will help you determine what you want and don't want from your future relationships. People and situations that come into are lives are not coincidences, they are there for a reason.
My previous relationship was 4.5 years long, and about 1 year longer than it should have been. Do I consider any of it a waste of time? No - I grew as a person and realized exactly what I would and would not compromise on. However, I was there because I thought it would work out in the end; I wasn't hanging on because the alternatve (i.e., being single) seemed "worse."
I think the only relationships that are a waste of time are those from which you learn nothing or you continually repeat the same mistakes.
Well, this looks like a example of people lacking wisdom to make up a strong future plan, which is typical among college students.
The truth is that there is really no immediate solution except getting a more "mature" partner...
And the other way would be becoming smarter yourself, which is not really a fast solution.
...and this defintely has nothing to do with communication.
yep...my first marriage was 13 years of wasted time where I continued to try (because we had kids)....my first relationship after my marriage was a 3 year on again off again joke...and the biggest waste of my time and I can't beleive now that I hadn't learned from my marriage/mistakes in judgement of men.... now my second marriage is absolutely fantastic and it took a LOT of growing up to get there (and 32 years of life experience to know and understand what I wanted and needed in a partner)
@poetry_in_silence@xanga - i like this answers. a partner in crime sounds like the ideal situation. ^_^