Tuesday, 17 February 2009

• Communication: What A Novel Concept!

  Dear Datingish:

  I have a problem. My SO...

  may be cheating on me
  isn't spending a lot of time with me
  is withdrawn and distant
  hangs out a lot with another person so I'm jealous
  won't open up
  won't do their chores
  takes me for granted
  won't return my phone calls or emails
  never treats me like I want to be treated
  [insert other woe here]

  Tell me what to do! What is my SO thinking? Do I not matter to my SO? Does s/he really not care about me? Maybe SO is really busy or hates me or loves me but is scared of getting close to me...? I'm so sad! I want to know! What should I do?

  Waiting for an answer,

  Sad and Clueless

  After reading about a million posts on Datingish that have the structure of the above letter, I have a brilliant idea that could cure most people's dating and relationship woes: COMMUNICATION.

  Okay, it doesn't sound particularly innovative or novel. But I disagree; it seems to be an original concept because, c'mon, many people who write to advice columnists don't seem to be doing it!
  

  So, first, a little lesson on what communication is.

  Here's what communication is not: it's not merely talking, because otherwise it would include venting, temper tantrums  and senseless babbling. And it's not merely telling your SO how you feel.

  Communication is thoughtful, meaningful dialogue combined with listening, and, when appropriate, silence used to reflect on what's been said. Communication is about solving problems, not just about expressing them.

  Second, here's how to use it to your advantage.

  When you have an issue in your relationship that fits one of the categories listed above in the standard-form letter, think of a meaningful and intelligent way to broach the subject so that he or she won't feel offended, confronted, blamed and upset. A typical way mentioned in many books is to say, "I feel __ when you do ___. I'd like us to talk about it." Or if that sounds too cheesy, find another neutral sentence.

  So, if you suspect your SO is cheating on you, ask them about what he or she has been doing while you're gone. If your SO isn't spending as much time with you as you'd like, tell him or her that you like spending X amount of time together and so would like to see him or her more, and ask them how much time he or she wants to spend with you. And so forth. Make sure to LISTEN to everything he or she says, and take breaks if necessary.

  Yes, communication requires thinking! and tact! and a level of empathy! If you'd rather just be silent, passive aggressive or let 'em rip, then you may feel better or worse, but it won't solve anything (unless you just want to break up with him or her in the first place, and would like to go out with a BANG).

  Third, here's how to effectively use silence.

  Many times in conversations, we react rather than thoughtfully act and speak. Thus, often, reactions can be damaging (sometimes irreparably) to the relationship and lead to regret.

  So it's okay to tell your SO you need time to think, as long as you really do get back to him or her with an answer and/or more dialoguing within a reasonable time frame (I'd say anywhere from an hour to a week isn't asking too much, depending on the situation).

  And really do use that time to think. Be alone, and/or ask your friends, family and/or therapist/counselor for input; they usually have your best interests at heart, and are more objective than you when you're mired in an emotionally mucky situation.

  Lastly, here's when to pull the plug.

  Communication isn't a magical panacea. Sometimes when you just KNOW that communication won't solve a deal-breaker, you break up.

  Examples:

  • if you KNOW you want to break up with your SO because you can't stand the fact s/he cheated on you
  • if your SO is physical abusing you and you fear for your life
  • if your SO is verbally, emotionally and/or psychologically abusing you
  • if you give up on your relationship and just want to end it because you've fallen out of love/don't care about him/her anymore/etc.
  • if he/she refuses your repeated attempts at communication, and/or has shown him/herself to be hopeless at communication

  Usually, people stop communicating with their SO and break up when they are certain that the SO's behavior won't change, no matter how many times they dialogue about the topic.

  The takeaway:

  Communication is a discretionary remedy - it's mainly reserved for people that WANT to stay in their relationship and improve its state. Most of the posts on Datingish seem to fall into this category, which is why I wrote this post. But, of course, communication also requires knowing when to pull the plug - and that comes with experience. Most people that are great communicators in their relationship learn from their mistakes in communication.

  So, of course, you won't know when the pull the plug if you never try communication in the first place. So, go ahead, Grasshopper - gather some courage, use that brain of yours, connect your vocal chords with meaningful words and thoughts, and COMMUNICATE!

  Note:

  This is only a brief "Communication 101" type post, so of course any thoughts, comments and suggestions are welcome. I apologize for the brevity, but, hey, if you really want to learn more about communication in relationships...read a book!

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