Sunday, 15 February 2009
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Dear Dr. Datingish: Supporting A Friend Who's Coming Out
I have a friend who I'm relatively positive will be coming out of the closet soon. I've known for a while that he's gay, and I want to show my support for him if and when he decides the time is right to tell me outright.
Because I've known for so long, though, how can I listen and be supportive without being, like, "yeah, I know"? I remember the episode of True Life where the guy was coming out to her best friend and it was all she could do to avoid going "uh, I already knew, but I'm still glad you told me".
I feel like if I act surprised, he'd know I was faking it and it would make him upset.
Maybe I'm overreacting and this won't be a big deal, but I just want to make sure I don't make him uncomfortable or embarrassed when he spills his guts.
When friends came out to you, what was your reaction? Do you have any suggestions for someone like me (who's probably as nervous as he is)?
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Comments (31)
I try not to say, "duh." or "Yeah, I knew." but what I usually say is, "I'm glad you're ready to share this with me!" or "Congratulations on being brave enough to share yourself with other people." or, "I'm proud of you for being open and honest about who you are."
Also, I always offer to be there and to lend an open ear. Lots of hugs are encouraged... I know I took one of my friends out to dinner after he came out, I celebrated his bravery with him, and we toasted to, "a life without secrets and fear."
Well when my good friend came out to me, I sorta just went "Oh really? Oh okay", or something to that effect. For some reason, someone's sexual orientation doesn't phase me at all. It's just another detail of someone, no different from their hair color or whatever.
My advice would be to just tell him that you're glad that he trusts you, because the fact that he hasn't said anything yet means that it's a big deal to him.
well.. w/ my guy friend, i was like "really? cool. i kind of figured tho xD" and we just laugh about it
w/ my girl friend, "whoa!! really??? wow...i never knew! cool :]" cause i never thot of her being lesbian.
Yah, my response was basically that I was glad she trusted me and felt comfortable telling me and that I supported her no matter what. I told her it doesn't matter if she is with a female or a male, just as long as she is happy and the person treats her well.
all i said wass. i love you either wayy. im gladd you told mee. and your the same personn no matterr whatt.
tell him you're proud of him for coming out, especially to you.
@x3_so_in_luv_x3@xanga - why are you typing like that?
My cousin came out to me a couple years ago. I knew it, but wasn't too sure. He seemed happy that I have nothing against his sexual orientation, so he kept it cool.
Just be yourself and say like, "I knew and I'm glad that you told me." =) Easy.
My friend told me she was bi while holding me.
I was like, "oh really? oh well. i still love you"
when my best friend told me he was gay I hadn't know until that moment. I was surprised and just said "really?" and he was like yeah and I said okay. I am glad I didn't freak out but I could have handled it better.
I wouldn't say "I know" or anything like that. Just try to be supportive and maybe thank him for trusting you enough to tell you.I was in the exact same position as you are with my best friend. He told me on the way home once and all i did was look him in the eye and say "that's okay." I gave him a hug afterwards and that was all he needed.
I don't think it should really be a big deal. Maybe if he needs encouragement, you could praise him on how brave his effort was, or something to that effect. Just because he's gay doesn't mean he's a different person, so I'm sure nonchalant support would be as effective and powerful as a congratulatory pat on the back.
We gay people find it funny and reassuring if we get a nonchalant response like, "Yeah, what else is new?" But that works only if you and your friend have a really good understanding with each other. Do you joke about serious matters a lot? If so, you should totally go for it!
@heterophobic_female_chauvinist@xanga - absolutely
last year, my best friend--who i had a huge crush on--came out. i was one of the first people he told, and i just tried to be as cool about as possible, so when he actually said it, i was just like, "hey, that's fine. i'm really glad you told me and trust me this much." after that we had a long talk about how he felt about it, and now that i look back on it, i am so glad that i could be there for him.
When my friends have mentioned it to me, I never really thought it was that big of a deal. I just said "cool," and that was it. I think that making a huge deal out of it would probably make them uncomfortable.
Generally, the way to think of it is, if you told your friend that you are gay/atheist/a stripper/whatever, how would you want him to respond? Now try to do the same for him.
When my older brother came out to me, I simply told him I was happy he felt like he could be honest with me.
I'd known for a long time, but I've never told him that.
It was a big step in his life, and I knew he just needed people to be there for him.
The same will probably be true of your friend. Don't say "well...yeah" or "duh" of course, just simply be happy they care enough to share something so personal with you.
My friend that come out was alot like this.. I was almost 100% sure she was a lesbian, but then she would say or do something that would make me doubt... so when she finally DID tell me for sure, I remember smiling and laughing and just saying something like, "Thank GOD.. I'm not insane!! " and then I went about tellingher how I had suspected and everything... all the things she had said that threw off my guess were usually about boys/men... and during our discussion she said "every story I told you about the guy? Those were all true, except they were girls."
Duh.
im gay and im till in the closet. im not ashamed of being gay in fact i love it, but it annoys me if some one asks me if im gay, or if someone were to be like i knew. first because i'd be like if i wanted you to now i'd tell and if u said i already knew id feel like some one was judging me like why couldn't i be straight and act however i acted before, plus you didn't know because i didn't tell you. if i were you id tell him you were happy for him and hug him. try not to make it awkward bc trust me it will probably be the most awkward thing for him ever, pretty much te only thing keeping me in is that i hate having awkward moments with my friends, i know it stupid but ya know.
I don't think you should be surprised, but you shouldn't say something like "Yeah, I know" like it's something trivial. It's okay to mention that you noticed or something. I would say something like, "It's fine, I knew but I'm glad you told me."
I've never really had a friend come out to me. One of my gay friends talks about it like it's a normal thing, he's not self-conscious about it or anything. Some others that I only see on Facebook, I found out simply from their status, though when I went to school with them I didn't know (and it doesn't matter much to me now anyway).
One of my close female friends told me that she thinks she's bi, but for some reason I have a hard time believing her, because I've known her for quite a while and it doesn't seem like it's full-blown. Bi-curious, perhaps. When she told me it was by IM, so I didn't need to formulate a reaction other than by text.
I have two gay best guy friends. I was just really happy that they trusted me. Now the three of us go out and check out guys [= Our other friends don't care; the relationships are the same except a bit stronger. We're just all very comfortable around each other. [: Good luck to you! Don't fake anything though. Just do what comes naturally and your friend will also appreciate your honesty and support.
I think my reaction when a female friend came out to me was, "Oh really? Cool."
And then she proceeded to ask me to be intimate with her.
All I said was, "Nah I don't think so. It'll be weird. But thanks for asking - I'm flattered."
We're still friends to this day, though not as close, literally and figuratively.
I would be so disgusted and get rid of that freak from my life. Being gay is so weird I mean cmon. that is so gross. In the eighties everyone would shun the sissy. what is wrong with you youth and your re fried brains
for two of my friends they were scared of a big reaction. in a way you just have to play it by ear. so it depends on how they actually do come out. one of my friends said it in the middle of a random conversation he, our other good friend and i were having. i already basically knew but was still a little surprised. the conversations went more like "wow, ok, so i kinda figured, but i'm still a little surprised." given, it was compleeeetely obvious to everyone who wasn't completely naive to the idea, so he kind of expected us not to be shocked, but then later he said he was kind of hoping to get a bigger reaction because it was such a big deal for him.
the most important thing is just to let them know you're cool with it. it helps if you thank them for telling you.
I've had friends come out to me before. Once in eighth grade a girl came out to me... though we weren't really friends. I don't remember my reaction to it, but I was completely fine with it. Now, if a friend came out to me... I would most likely tell them that "Love is love no matter who you fall for and that I support them no matter who they decided to love and that I'll always love them for who they are because if you can't accept your friends for who they really are... then you weren't friends to begin with."