Sunday, 15 February 2009
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Turning Off Feelings For Someone
I thought I found true love. I was indeed "in love". My second marriage. My first one of twelve years didn't work out - it was an amicable split, we're still friends to this day, no hard feelings. But hubby two was it. Until, you know, I came home and he was gone. Split. Not even three years into our relationship . . . gone. No explanation, took all the money, dishes, food . . . I was devastated. That was a year ago. Life goes on, my first and last broken heart. That old saying that it is better to have loved and lost . . . give me a break.
Anyhow, since then, I have picked myself up. I started dating, nothing serious; I don't want serious. I have seen a few men; one even told me that he had to stop seeing me because I had walls. Okay, he was right - I don't want to care because I never want to have a broken heart again. The only way that'll happen is if I open my heart.Well, here's my problem. Two months ago, I re-met a guy. I say re-met because we knew each other briefly two years ago through work. Last year his wife up and left him and now he is a single father. We started talking. Friends, you know. That evolved to harmless flirting, then to serious flirting, and he kissed me. It was the first time I felt flutters. Things have been progressing: he makes me smile and laugh; he is amazing. I realized today, shoot, I really care for this guy.
And though I care, I don't want to put myself out there. I really don't. I don't want to "feel" for anyone, no matter how great they are. So my question is: How do I turn it off? Should I?
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- From: Threestrikes
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Comments (44)
Therapy
You shouldn't turn it off. Open up to this guy. He seems sincere, and I'm sure he knows exactly what you're going through - since his own wife left him, just as your husband left you. Maybe it's time to have a serious relationship again, and really heal these old wounds.
I'd say keep going with it, but don't put too much pressure on it. Just hang out, get to know each other more. Maybe by him being able to relate to what happened to you, you'll be able to open up over time. Just take it slow. There's no need to rush or worry about opening up just yet. But one thing I wouldn't do is shut him out or give up on it. Give it a proper chance. Good luck. :)
Self flagellation and not answering phone calls tends to do the trick.
I'd just let things go and see what happens! Don't rely on this turning into a serious relationship, just see where it leads. It sounds like this guy may have gone through something similar to what you have gone through, so maybe he'll understand your walls and be patient enough to get through them.
just don't get married.
@OstentatiousEloquence@xanga - Agreed. Therapy helps people discover whatever is holding them back - I discovered that the reason I couldn't give my full self to my ex-girlfriend was because I wasn't over the girl who came before her.
If you aren't over the one who came before, don't fully commit yourself. But don't give him up entirely.
Opening up your heart is the only way to have a real relationship. If that's not what you want with this guy, then tell him up front. But ultimately, that is always the problem with relationships: you never want to get hurt again, but unless you make yourself vulnerable to someone, you won't be able to achieve real intimacy and you'll always have walls up between you and them. So you have a choice to make.
@FireMapleSong@xanga - haha
just cos one guys a dick, not all are, maybe take things slowly for the time being ~
the more mean you are to him, the more likely he will be deterred from you. but if it hurts you just as much as it hurts him, you should know to open your heart to him and let it go free.
Guy to gal: Don't turn it off. So long as you keep those walls up, you're allowing that jackass to control your love life. It's as if he still owns you. Don't let yourself be a slave to some dickhead ex. Be cautious, take your time, and allow yourself to naturally give yourself to...whatever guy your heart wants you to. You deserve better--you've certainly earned the karma--why not cash in?
Don't turn it off. But don't keep your walls too down.
We gotta keep those around who are willing to break those walls down.
It's easy to run away from your problems, but it makes you stronger when you struggle with them. Think of how he's feeling; he might be as guarded as you are, if not more to protect his child[ren]. If you really want to turn off your feelings, you could focus on the negative things in the relationship and completely cut off the positive thoughts. But, of course, I wouldn't advise you to do so. Good luck.
what can i say, a strong person accepts the pain and moves on with an opening heart. it may hurt, but that's just love. i cant tell you what to do, but you gotta be brave and welcome everything that's coming toward you. dont regret, dont allow "what-if" moments, you can love again.
should you turn "it" off, there's one question you should ask yourself, "will I look back and 'wonder'"....
I want to know how to turn off feelings too.
Just go with casual dating...it will be fun, and it might evolve from there, who knows!
Let it happen. A cold heart turns to stone eventually.
Why should you turn it off when he seems to be an amazing guy to you? I say just go with the flow and see where it leads you. You'll never know where it'll end up.
If you have true feelngs for him, you can't just turn them off. If the feelings aren't true, you don't need to turn them off--they'll disappear on their own.
I think you need to open up and give him a chance though. Evaluate your feelings and make sure it's not just the thrill of flirting that you're enjoying. Given what each of you have been through, I would think that both of you are feeling a bit nervous about jumping back into the dating pool. He could be thinking that he really wants to give it a shot with you. You don't need to drop your defense completely, but at some point you should work up the courage to try dating again.
what is life without the flutters?
Don't turn those feelings off.
This man's wife has left him, he knows too much about betrayal to do it to you too.
This man has a child, he knows about commitment and responsibility.
The two of you have been through the same pain, maybe you can help eachother.
Sorry I can't help you out. At first I thought it was going to be a HOW-TO post and I was looking forward to reading it since I need help on turning off my feelings for someone and move on since it has been two years now.
Good luck I guess. Although I feel like it's a good thing to have feelings for this guy. You had your guards up and he still managed to sneak in so he must be good.
I'd say go for it! Would you want to look back and wonder?
Don't turn it off.
I know how it feels to be so hurt and never want to feel again. But that's what love and relationships are all about. Learning, and experiencing until you find the ONE. You might think you have found him, but if HE was really the one, would he have left you? No, the one won't leave you.
He will love you forever. And that's true love.
The only way to NOT feel anything about someone is to stop seeing him. But let me tell you something, it's soooo much better to feel the joy and possibly the pain of loving someone, than repressing yourself to feel nothing at all. Love is a human nature. It is written in the stones. So why fight it?