My fiancé is a Marine and two and a half years older than I am, and after over four years of being in reserves, he was told that he and 150 others in his unit are being activated June 1st. They'll stay in Indianapolis for two months, Iraq for seven months and will back back in Indy for five weeks after coming back to the US. He doesn't exactly believe they'll be going over. I believe it, though, because they're in classes and getting special training they need to go over, and that's something they haven't done all the past times the Marines have been told they were going overseas. They're much more organized now than they've ever been before and I think they'll actually go.
Here's the kicker: if my fiancé didn't believe they were going over, he wouldn't have told me he wanted to get married before he went - just a courtroom ceremony, then when he got back, our big dream wedding. I told him I'd have to think about it because he's in a lot of debt and I'm still in school. I have a lot to think about beside getting married, too, like what to do when he's gone, how to cope and what the right way to do that is.
When he went to boot camp in 2004, I pretty much had a meltdown - mind you, I was only 16 then.
So my question is, does anyone in a military relationship have advice on getting married and what that entails? Or how to cope when he's gone? Anything you can recommend is appreciated.
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My only advice is don't feel pressured. If you want to wait for the dream wedding, don't let him pressure you into doing a courtroom ceremony before. If you want to wait until he's out of debt, don't let him talk you out of it. If you want to wait until you're out of school, wait.
Just be true to yourself, and make sure you won't look back and regret what you sacrificed.
i agree with the above just make sure you dont have regrets later on,do what your heart tells, you be ready when the time is right..
I can't comment on the marriage part, but I can try to help with the coping part. My boyfriend has been gone for four months, which I realize is nothing compared to the ten months or so your fiance would be gone, but I can try to give some advice. The good thing is that there will always be letters, and there will likely be webcam. When he's in Indianapolis, there will probably be phone calls, and maybe even weekends together. My advice is to find out what your communication will most likely be while he's gone, that will help you prepare yourself. After that, just have pictures you can look at, maybe a stuffed animal to hold on to at night if you're lonely, and just focus on all of the good times you've had together, and will have once he comes back, and just . . . love him. That's really all you can do. Find people who are going through the same thing, who are dealing with distance and deployment, and make sure you have support, people you can talk to who will be there for you through all of it. It's not easy, anyone can tell you that, it's hard as hell sometimes, there will be good days and bad days, and there will be times when it just seems too hard to deal with. That's when you'll need your tools . . . the pictures, the songs that remind you of him, the stuffed animal, the support group . . . and then there will be the good days . . . when you get a phone call, a heartfelt letter, a webcam date . . . and you get through a day, then a week, then a month, and then you'll look back and realize you're halfway through, that five months have passed. I know it sounds crazy, but it just becomes a part of your everyday life, and you realize that if you can make it through this, you can make it through anything. I really hope something in this little rant of mine will help you get through it. I'm always available to talk if you ever need to, feel free to get in touch with me! Good luck, and always, always remember how much you love him!
I'm sending a friend over to you who's married (she's 20) and her husband is overseas in the military. She may have some insight. But marriage is not something to be rushed into. However, you refer to him as your fiancee, does that mean he proposed BEFORE he was called up? If so, then it's moreso a matter of the date of the wedding (since you said yes before he was going away). He may just feel more comfortable knowing that he's made an eternal bond with you before he goes. I can understand that, and it's not as big a deal, because he's not pressuring you to get MARRIED, just to get married SOONER.
It's interesting, why did you say yes to his marriage proposal if you weren't ready to marry him? I know a proposal isn't marriage, but to me it's very close. It's too late to not be engaged (breaking off an engagement is not fun), but it's just an interesting point.
If you really aren't ready to marry him, then you're not ready and you shouldn't get married courtroom or fancy wedding (and to be honest, you shouldn't have said yes either). His going away shouldn't change that. I understand his reasons for wanting to get married sooner, but these stem from the fact that you already said YES to his proposal, so it may be difficult for him to understand why you're hesitating on actually tying the knot. Sigh, I'm confused...
I recommend you write a letter to President Obama, and ask him where his campaign promises are! Troops coming home in January my ass.
I dated my husband when he was in the military (Marines, also). Our relationship was a LDR and he went on deployments THREE TIMES when we were dating. It was hard and on the last deployment, I melted down also. I always felt so alone when I see my friends with their significant others but what kept me going was that, "I was going to see him soon." Not only that, but I was also occupy going to school full time and having a full time job. So that helped and kept my mind off for a while.
Now that I'm married to him and he's making the military a career.. it's not so bad. But there will be times that he will be call out to go on deployments, training, or other duties that he have to attend to but if you're an independent woman, you will be okay in the long run. Emotionally wise, you'll just have to deal with it and accept it that that's what he choose to do in life and you will have to be supportive if you choose to be his wife someday. Most of the time that my husband was away, I'll be occupy with my job and just counting the days until he returns home. It'll help if your family is nearby but if not, you can always go out and make new friends. Having other people around you that you care for.. makes you feel better and less lonely.
Reading your blog, it makes me wonder if he is just asking you to marry him because he's afraid to lose you or if he is really ready to commit to you. I have to say, if you're not ready to settle down with him, don't do it. There will be a lot of sacrifices that you will have to make for him.
But if you do choose to marry him (besides having to deal with it physically and emotionally when he's gone), you will receive good benefits. Some examples would be - your health care would be taken care of, sometimes even the services will pay for your college tuition, he will make a little extra on the side since he is married, etc. And you'll get to travel and go to places that you've never been. It's a good experience but sometimes, it's not for everyone.
I hope you make the right choice! :)
I'm in an Army relationship, and while I have no marriage-into-military insight (yet), the ladies at www.militarysos.com/forum can help you with ANYTHING! They've saved my life many a time when I have had breakdowns with my honey being away. I highly recommend anyone in a military relationship join.
I wish I knew how to help but my fiance is about to swear in for Air Force and he is trying to decide whether we should get married before or after boot camp.
I don't know what to do either.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - He didn't JUST propose recently..we've been engaged for a year on the 23rd. Sorry for the confusion.
@jeezshoua@xanga - Thakn you very much for your encouragement. I will have my family near me..I'll actually be living in my moms house while he's gone. As for the health care, I'll only be covered while he's active. As soon as he gets back his contract is up and he has no plans to sign another one. lol But thank you. I really will take all of that to heart
@italktotrees@xanga - Thank you, I think I will join.
@DancerDarlin@xanga - Thank you I appreciate your advice and will have many comfort things to hold on to when hes gone.
saying I do...should be the easiest decision you make. And for when he's gone....theres just nothing you really can do except pray and hope that he has time to talk to you. My boyfriend is over there right now...comes back pretty damn soon...but doesn't mean I don't miss everything about him. just gotta stay happy and hope for the best
heyy, a friend of mine told about your situation. (steven)
The only advice I have for you is, do what your heart tells you. Being a wife to someone in the military takes lots of hard work. But I'm sure you realized that, once he left to bootcamp. I know I did lOl.
Don't rush into anything your not ready for. Take it slow, if you feel like things are going to fast. My husband wanted the same thing, to get married as soon as possible too. But I was ready for it. We did the small, simple courtroom wedding & have been married for nearly 2 years now. We still haven't had our dream wedding yet, but really its no big deal. His credit/debt was (and still is) a mess, but that's something that is easy to fix when your in the military. Easier than you think. And I too, was concerend about my school as well. But I put it on hold for a bit for him. Most military realitionships require lotss of sacrafices. I'm not saying that you should do what I did, but what you could do is finish school and then get married. Or however you prefer to work things out.
Because, If this is something you really want, then there should be nothing to think about. Do you love your fiancé? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man? If so, then just go for it.
If it's ment to be (and you will know if it is or not) then, everything else will work itself out. Don't get me wrong, its not going to be easy, not by a long shot.. but regardless things will deffinately work themselves out.
No matter what you or him decide to do, I wish you both the best of luck. I'm sure that the two of you will come up with a way to make you both happy. Take care.
@Sweetly_Blue_Eyed@xanga - Oh wow. I thought he still had a couple of years left. Hehe. But that's great that his contract will be up when he comes back. It'll be a lot easier on you then. Good luck, sweetheart! :)
Hey girl,
I'm Megan and I'm basically in the same situation you are. My fiance is in the Coast Guard and is currently stationed in Kodiak, Alaska. He left at the end of September and will more than likely be there for about a year or so.
Being a military girlfriend is probably one of the hardest situations I have ever found myself in. I'm 18 and my fiance is 21. He's been stationed all over the world basically. (Japan, Europe, Iraq)
The best advice I can give to you is that although the distance is torturous, with every passing day, it's one day closer to being together again. When he's gone with no communication, I go crazy. I constantly worry, but I know he's stronger than I could ever be about the situation at hand and he'll be okay. When we do talk, I savor every moment of it. His voice, his laugh, everything lingers.
As for the marriage thing, do not rush! It's a lifelong decision and it shouldn't be made on a whim. Feel free to ask me anything if you have any questions.
Good luck with everything & I hope it works out
Meg xox
whatever you decide, DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT get married to him before deployment!!!! I am a Marine myself, and have deployed overseas, I have seen what has happened to many of my men when they decided to jump into marriage because of a deployment. This should not be the defining reason of getting married. Like you said, he is in a lot of debt and you have school. He can use this time to pay off debt before you two get married and if you really truly do love him, waiting for a year will not be an issue, though I am curious as to why their build up is occuring in Indiana? Is he with 4th Division or MLG?
I know I won't be much help because I am not a civilian woman married to a military man but I CAN offer perspective from the military side of things since this is my career and I am in a dual-career relationship (meaning my boyfriend is also a Marine)
I second what LlothoftheDrow has said. I too am a Marine, but not currently serving (as we Marines know there is no such thing as a former or an ex-Marine). When a Marine decides that he or she wants to marry prior to a mobilization or a deployment, there are many reasons, but as she suggested, and it is mine as well, do not do it -- wait until he returns. There are many reasons that he may want to marry prior to deployment, and if its something you both really want to do, it is a choice you both will have to make, and it should be an informed one. It is really up to you.
As far as trying to keep a stable mind, it is just as hard. Write letters or send e-mails if he will have regular access to it. Try to set up a regular phone call between you both as well. Send him care packages, things that remind him of you and what not. Try to be there as much as you can for him, but also understand you won't understand everything he will go through. When his unit has family-day activities, try and make some connections there. Have him introduce you to military girlfriends or wives involved in the Key Volunteer network. They'll pretty much be your best connection to the unit and what is going on during their deployment. It will be easier for you to talk to them about it because they're going through what you're going through, and maybe they've gone through a deployment or two so they know what to expect. Family and friends are important too, but they won't really understand what you're going though.
Of course, stay busy. You're still in school, so stay in and work hard. It won't keep your mind off of missing him 100%, but staying busy will help to make the time pass some. Remember, its only 7 months of playing in the sand. It will be over before you know it.
that's exactly what my cousin did. i went to her fancy wedding last week, and the couple is happy as ever. just saying... it's possible.
If you're engaged already, then what's a year more?
Especially if the "I do" response, doesn't come naturally right now to you.
I recommend waiting till he gets back.
Anyways, keep in touch by letters and email like everyone else who gets shipped to the sandbox.
Its all about waiting and keeping yourself from going nuts while he's away. Just remember you have your life too. It's not just his life. So keep doing what you need to do to be social and active with your friends.
My fiance and I are actually doing the same thing. courtroom wedding first then big fancy one within a year. The reason being all the paperwork being done before he leaves rather than while he's in, we've done our research and everyone says it's the best thing to do since once you're in they'd have to change all his information, which takes time and we also get all our BAH and COLA right away (as active duty only).
I think if he's that decided that he wants to marry you before he leaves, he's sure he wants to be with you for a long time and you should take that as a compliment or a good thing in general; especially since men these days don't really care about marriage or even want to hear the word. Some people don't even believe in it any more, hahah.. it's crazy.
And about being away.. well, in my opinion it can make your relationship so much stronger because if a relationship can make it through that, it can pretty much make it through any thing. It's real tough. Just keep yourself busy, write letters/emails, texts, webcam; technology is endless right now...I know I'm getting ready for that.
Go with your heart. I know i m not in this situation but i know of people who were proposed to and didn't marry and ended up breaking up with their fiancee because of that. They ( girls ) mentioned that because they were too young and not ready thus they didn't marry.
On the other hand, i heard of people who married and didn't regret cos they knew the of the other person on the otherline.
Its good to think if u can see yourself with him long term through sickness and in health. That is key.
Instead of replying to everyone individually, as I would like to do but time and I don't want to look goofy for putting up a lot more posts..lol I want to thank everyone for all of their advice. It's nice to get other peoples opinions and perspectives. It really has been helpful and I know that I will and already have taken a lot to heart with this difficult situation. Really...it means a lot to me. Thank you.
@LlothoftheDrow@xanga - In all honesty..I have no idea what he's in. lol I know...I'm a bad Military fiance..lol But it's been building up since November, although their activation date was pushed back. I do know that the 150 that are being activated have never been in the past 4-5 yrs. Mind you they are all reservists, but they just got orders and was like Hey, everyone that hasn't been over seas is going...thats about all I know and all my fiance has told me. Getting any kind of information from him is like pulling teeth.
:) whatever you choose to do... i'm wishing you good luck. +++++++