Saturday, 14 February 2009

• Who I've Dated And Why They Fit Me

  Suddenly, I feel like things are falling in place in my life.

  I like this feeling.

  I don't need a man to be happy. And that feels good.

  Not that I would reject one if they came along...but only the right one.

  I'm so many different things, and as a result, I've dated so many drastically different people. All of them have fit some small part of who I am, but none of them were what I wanted completely. I'm going to take a look at who I've seriously dated, and why they fit me (for a time).

  The Captain of My High School Football Team, who was a 6'2" black guy who could bench press two of me. He was friendly and outgoing, two years older than me and extremely well-read. He wrote poetry and love letters and talked about fighting the good fight. He was popular - when we went down the halls of my high school, he'd greet almost everyone he saw. We dated for two years.
  

  He fit me because he balanced me out. I was a horrendously insecure freshman - I was shy, blushed a lot and kept to myself. He was everything I thought I wanted: cute, popular and intelligent.
  

  He didn't fit me because he was an arrogant ass who pressured me sexually into doing things that I didn't want to do. Having experienced this guy, I went a 180 and went for...

  The Shy Guy. He was cute, sensitive, and dressed fairly well. He wasn't too bright, but he told me what I wanted to hear, and meant it, for a time. I dated him for a year.
  

  He fit me because I had gained a lot of self-confidence since the last guy, and being the confident one helped me feel better about myself. Plus, he was sensitive and needy, and this appealed to my mothering nature. I liked taking care of someone.
  

  He didn't fit me because he allowed me to walk all over him. He was a wimp. He also ended up cheating on me. Irritated by his infidelity, I then found...

  The Puppy Dog. He was everything a dog was - loyal and not too bright. He had a lot of disabilities (Tourettes Syndrome, ADHD and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), and being the "brave one" who overlooked these things made me feel like a good person, even though they didn't manifest themselves, really. He was also funny, congenial, and overall a really good person, and to this day we're on good terms. We dated for a year.

  He fit me because he was a strong Christian. AND he was also an excellent artist.
  
  He didn't fit me because he was one of the simple kind, with the "mind like a child" who simply had this pure, beautiful faith that I knew I could never have myself. I was terrified I would corrupt him...I'm not completely that goody-goody girl; I'm just too rebellious for that. He was an artist, but he only painted Iron Man, Transformers and Spider Man. I love nerds, but his wall of collectible action figures was just too much. Also, as terrible as it is to say this, he wasn't my intellectual equivalent, and that really bothered me. Seeking smarts, I went for...

  The Strong, Silent, Surly Intellectual. This guy wrote me the most beautiful prose of anyone I'd ever met. He also didn't really think he was smart, or at least as smart as he really was. He hated the world, and I wanted so badly to save him. I was the only one he let in, the only one who understood him. Also, that's when I took up smoking, and rather than be driven away, he got over it, although he didn't smoke himself. He was passionate about cars and about me. He sold one of his cars to buy me an engagement ring, but I broke up with him before he proposed. We dated for three years.

  He fit me because I wanted to take care of him, like with the Shy Guy. He also had a surprisingly strong inner child, and we would watch Spongebob and Popeye and Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends and a whole host of other cartoons together. We could quote every Family Guy, and everything anyone said turned into some sort of Aqua Teen or Napoleon reference, to the point that it almost became a secret language. He fit me because he loved me more than anyone has ever loved me before, more than the earth and moon and stars. He did anything and everything for me. I wrecked his world when I left him.

  He didn't fit me because I wasn't in love with him. Seeking true love, I found (or re-found)...

  The Guy Next Door. He was always there for me, no matter what. We could be ourselves around each other, and kissing him was so intense because of the ten years of secret crushing that we'd both had for each other. I liked who I was around him, unlike with Surly Boy and all the others. I also felt like I didn't have to lie or put up a front when I was with him. He was a runner, all lean muscle and sports and athleticism, which is SO not who I am - I'd rather go to the opera than watch a game, rather spend an evening painting than exercising. But somehow those things worked together and balanced each other.

  I don't feel like I have adequate time and distance to analyze that one completely yet. But there it is.

  I'm a little bit country, a little bit rock and roll; I'm a bit of a nature freak and a bit of a weirdo in general (ask me about my "collections" of old bottle caps and used gift cards, if you doubt me). I'm an artist and an intellectual. I'm a music lover and a person of extreme compassion and nostalgia. I'm an old soul and a kid at heart. I'm a little punk, a little goody-two-shoes. I'm a good girl (ex: I respect my body SO MUCH that I won't just randomly mess around with people, like some chicks do, and only three out of the five serious boyfriends have ever even seen me naked - I've only slept with one person in my life), but I'm a little bit of bad girl, too (I like to party on occasion and I'm not a virgin). I like to dress up and wear makeup sometimes, but I don't depend on it and will leave the house in sweats and no makeup without having showered sometimes, too. I like to go out, and I like to stay in and think about who I am, and make long lists about it, like this one.

  I can't be summed up in just one category, or even several.

  I hope the person I end up with is the same way, and speaks to all these parts of me.

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