Thursday, 12 February 2009
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Intimacy: How Can I Get It?
I've been thinking a lot about my relationship and why I'm not feeling very intimate. I've begun to wonder why I don't feel like this relationship is going where I want it to. I've even thought about ending my relationship. Why? It boils down to a lack of intimacy... and I don't know how to change that.
First I looked "intimacy" up on www.dictionary.com to find a definition. However, I found multiple definitions. At first glance, some of them didn't really seem to apply to a relationship, but they actually do. Let's look at each of these in more detail as they pertain to a romantic relationship.
1. The state of being intimate
Well this is pretty self evident: to have intimacy you must be intimate. Being intimate is all about the remaining definitions.
2. A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving relationship
Now this is the real meaty definition. To have intimacy you need to be close, familiar, affectionate, loving. I find familiarity interesting, but not something I would point out as a key to intimacy. Maybe I would just assume familiarity is needed, but not key. I think that is a big difference between intimacy and infatuation. Infatuation usually occurs before you really get to know a person - before they are familiar. Everything about them is new and every day you are learning something new about them.How long does it take to become familiar enough with someone for intimacy to grow, though? I think that depends on closeness, affection and love. If you open and and share yourself with someone you get closer. Being vulnerable, giving affection and love breeds closeness. Closeness breeds familiarity. You can spend all the time you want with someone, but if you're not doing things to bring yourself closer to them, you're not really becoming familiar.
3. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of
At first this may not seem all that relevant, but really it is. We have that word "close" again. Obviously being close to someone is integral to intimacy. What about "detailed knowledge or deep understanding of"? If you really want intimacy with someone then you need to learn about them as much as they need to learn about you. Being open with someone, sharing your life story, your dreams, your affection and love is wonderful but how do you create closeness if they don't share those things with you? The more we know about someone - their feelings, desires, fears - the better equipped we are to be understanding, supportive and affectionate. The better we know someone, the better the chance at sharing intimacy.
4. An act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like.
Terms of endearment, pet names, inside jokes, shared experiences, special caresses, holding hands - these are all acts of familiarity and affection. Things that would be inappropriate with more casual relationships become a key part of intimacy. Would you run your fingers through your best pal's hair while watching the game or your favorite chick flick? No. These simple gestures take on significant importance in an intimate relationship though.
5. An amorously familiar act; liberty.
Sounds a lot like #4 above. I find the word liberty interesting in this definition though. Liberty basically boils down to freedom. Freedom in intimacy is an interesting and important idea, in my opinion. Having freedom to be yourself, and to be open, and to feel accepted for who you are... these are all part of intimate liberty To be intimate you must be free with yourself and free with your partner.
6. Sexual intercourse.
This is the one definition that I don't think is required for intimacy in a relationship, although it is often found in a romantic relationship. To me this is one of those chicken-or-the-egg type problems. For me, you need intimacy before sex (which is why I don't believe in one nighters). Others may disagree with me, but I do think that usually sex can breed deeper intimacy in a relationship.
7. The quality of being comfortable, warm, or familiar.
There's that word "familiar" again. Being comfortable, feeling warm, being familiar; all important parts of intimacy.
8. Privacy, esp. as suitable to the telling of a secret.
Privacy: the intimacy you share is a private club with only two members. You can share secrets. You can tell your intimate partner things that you couldn't tell anyone else. This is about being vulnerable. This is about trust. You can't be intimate without being vulnerable. You can't be vulnerable if you don't trust. Trust is a big prerequisite for intimacy. Trust issues equal intimacy issues. Intimacy is a private, safe place; though for many intimacy is a catch 22. If you can't feel safe enough to trust then you can't be intimate, but being intimate allows you to trust and feel safe.
So how does this all relate to my own relationship?
I have been trying to build intimacy. We spend a lot of time together (familiarity). I open up and talk about my feelings with her (closeness). We hold hands, cuddle and kiss (affection). We call each other names like sweetie, hun, etc (tokens of familiarity). We don't fight, and we enjoy spending time together and I make sure I tell her that I appreciate her and the things she does for me (being comfortable and warm). When I am stressed or something is bothering me, I open up to her and tell her (privacy). We have made love (sexual intercourse).
Looking at the list above I'd say the biggest thing missing is #3. My girlfriend doesn't open up to me. She is a pretty quiet and reserved person. We talk a lot, but she just doesn't share a lot of her emotions with me. I often have to ask her how she is feeling. I know a lot about her past, her job and her family, but I can't say I really know her.
So, how can I gain more intimacy? If my girlfriend is holding it in, how can I have her open up to me? Have you ever had a problem similar to mine?
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- From: brokenheartedboi@xanga
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Comments (24)
I have this problem with the guy.
I'm a loss on how to solve the problem.
& if I can't fix it, I'm going to get really depressed.
):
my man and i are really close and intimate, i have a harder time opening up than he does. and it definitely isnt because of any sort of sexual relationship bc besides holding hands and some kisses we dont have one.
we're waiting for that intimacy after we get married =)
I guess I have to give a cliched response and say you need time. The longer you build trust between the two of you, the easier it will be for her to open up. Maybe it's difficult for her to open up because she'd rather not reveal her own intimate secrets when she isn't yet comfortable enough to do so. And if you'd like a little push, just ask her about the things you'd like to know. If she doesn't want to talk about it, then let the topic go. Good luck!
How long have ya'll been together? My husband and I really didn't click with the intimacy thing till we had been together for about a year. We had both been really hurt and had a hard time opening up our hearts to another person. But it eventually did happen and like you said about the private club for two people, it's JUST me and my hubby and I love how close we are.
Give yourself and her some time to keep growing together. And ALWAYS keep yourself open and supportive of her. :)
Good luck!
Haha I just commented on this same post on brokenheartedboi's xanga. I really like #4. It makes little insignificant things special, so anything normal or everyday shared with that special person becomes something special.
Intriguing. There seems to be a lot written here, but not what I need to know. Sorry, I can't answer without sufficient information at hand. If you share your feelings, but she doesn't share hers, something else is up. What that is? I don't know. Hopefully time will reveal it. Good luck.
I also have a hard time opening up with my feelings to my SO, and this especially rearded its ugly head in the first six months of our relationship. I just had trouble connecting emotionally, period. But now, I don't have as much trouble, and I'm getting better at it. Hopefully this next year will be even better for us. I know that in time, she will come around. Some girls just have trouble saying how they really feel, and like me, she could be one of them. Just support her, and let her know that it's not a rush. She has time, and you understand that it's hard for her. Best of luck. =)
I'll say what I always say--communicate! You need to talk to her about how you are feeling and what you think needs to change so you may have a more intimate relationship.
Best of luck!without sounding like a broken record since the above comments have pretty much repeated what I would have said, I'll just tell you this...if you are experiencing problems with intimacy and really getting to know your girlfriend, sex is not going to fix it. I would advise that you stop and re-evaluate your relationship because as you said, sex is the ultimate physical expression of intimacy. What you give of yourself to her cannot be taken back and it will hurt so much worse if you find you can't be comfortable and end up breaking up with her.
I agree with alot that has already been said... but I would like to throw in some things to think about... do you know why she isn't opening up? I mean, how was her childhood? Do her parents seem to be open and warm? Do THEY seem close? I know that my parents were not... I saw my dad kiss my mom once on the cheek growing up, they didn't touch each other even in passing... they didn't talk about feelings or sex or anything really.. LOL... and so this is how I grew up. And I had issues with being "mushy" as I call it.. opening up and putting feelings out there. It was just unnatural for me.. but I worked on it.
Now I'm a big ol' cheesehead... lol.. but my point is, her reluctance to open up might really have a good foundation...nothing to do with you and how she feels about you. You MUST communicate with her.. if you think she's the one, or you want things to improve with her instead of just ending it and starting over with someone else... you have to communicate... tell her all these things you've said here.
Tell her how its making you feel that you don't seem to know her....
I find that it's easier to open up and say things that I might not otherwise say, when my boyfriend and I are laying in the dark, cuddled up... and whispering. Thats just me though. LOL. Somehow if you whisper its not as OUT THERE.
well i would say let her open up in her own time. but then again there are people who dont open up at all.
i dont think i am hard to open up, but i dont do it naturally. you ask a question and i answer. so i have nothing to hide. i think thats the same with my bf so we hardly talk.
i guess either its a compromise or.. you could talk to her about it.
*hands up* Yes, I think I have this issue still...
I also think my ex had this issue. I guess that's why he is my ex now...
:S
All you need is Love, when Love exists and comes from within, you don't worry about external issues too much, just be happy that you have Love, and don't start analyzing everything, just accept what you have and be happy, just stick to giving all the Love you have within you, you could cause more harm to you both by worrying about it, so just forget about it, and enjoy what you have.
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Love cures people, both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it.
Love…What is Love? Love is to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they will be
Love (true love) is that which can give the most without asking or demanding anything in return.
Love is like a river, always changing, but always finding you again somewhere down the road…
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Angelo
In my case, im the one who struggled to be intimate to my guy. He's always the one who initiates kisses, hugs, etc. After some time I get used to it, so now both of us are very close and intimate to each other.
You know it's so nice to hear a guy has the same problem, I'm currently dating this girl who for lack of a better phrase is physically the most gorgeous person I've ever dated. I have to say though, there is no sexual chemistry or intimacy what so ever. I realized it's because she's reserved in talking about her life and herself. I think a certain level of familiarity is what makes you feel more attracted to someone, it's a terrible feeling sitting next to someone you almost feel is a stranger. So many things build from really knowing a person, and that I believe has to do with intimacy as well.
as sad as it is, from my understanding with this girl in particular (and this doesn't mean your situation as well) but she doesn't see any real seriousness in the longevity of the relationship so it's her understanding she doesn't need to open up. You have to sort of take a step back and try to solve or figure out the reasons she doesn't tell you about her. It could be a trouble past, maybe she doesn't want you to hate her if she tells you about herself, etc etc. In the end it comes down to two roads, either you say "I don't think this is for me" and be on your way, or set a time limit on how long you're waiting to see if she opens up. No real relationship can survive without trust and communication, and I believe opening up builds both.
That's strange..normally most girls are like fountainheads when it comes to expressing themselves, me included. I enjoy opening up to strangers, too, on the occasion.
Talk to her about it? Maybe she's the strong..silent type.
Thank you everyone for your comments.
I'm a very strong believer in communication, and I have tried discussing this with her but not in the most direct way. I've told her that knowing her feelings makes me feel closer and that I've been struggling to feel close with her. I said that if I make her feel happy then knowing that makes me feel happy and want to do more to make her feel happy. My happiness is not dependent upon her, but her being happy brings joy to my life. When we have talked about it she says this is just how she has always been.
@XxFireXboltxX@xanga - We've been together for 4 months now. I know that isn't very long, but in my past relationships I had felt more intimacy and connection than I am feeling now.
@nexthorizon@xanga - I agree, I'm a pretty emotional guy but not super talkative. I've never dated a woman that talks less about feelings than I do.
@bubblysox@xanga - Her family is very warm, open and welcoming. I feel like a part of the family already. Her parents don't seem that close though, all through her childhood her dad worked graveyard and her mom was regular office hours. So maybe that has an affect on her view of closeness and intimacy? I know that she had a pretty bad break up a couple years ago, but I don't know all the details.
@sarahzthoughts@xanga - I agree, I know sex complicates things and we should've waited longer. It seemed like we were getting so close, but it was obvious (to me) after we starting having sex that the intimacy wasn't as strong as I thought.
I agree that sex + intimacy is a chicken + egg question, never thought of it that way before, interesting! Since you mentioned that you've felt intimacy sooner with past relationships, maybe you guys just don't have chemistry? And some ppl are just really hard to crack, whether it's their nature or something in the past caused them to be that way. It may be worth the effort to try and be the one to do the cracking or maybe the cracking happens with the right person. Just making alot of assumptions here. xP
Great insights into intimacy. I would give it some time and patience with your girlfriend. Some people don't open up easily, especially if their family was not very open. I know that I had a hard time being vulnerable with my boyfriend, for several months I think. Gentleness helps. I would keep asking her to share more--if she wants to.
My boyfriend and I ask each other regularly for "Jesse-thoughts" or "Grace-thoughts". That gives us a chance to share anything on our minds, what we are going through, what we are feeling. It has really helped with intimacy-building.
Good luck with the relationship--praying for you guys right now.
Not sure what to tell you. I am similar to her. I guess don't pressure her into telling you things. Maybe with time she will open up when she is comfortable.
I've been somewhere similar.
It wasn't an all-that serious relationship, but my boyfriend never opened up to me.
If anything was ever bothering him he said he didn't want to talk about it.
eventually I would find out what was on his mind, but only after a fight. And I was tired of fighting for a reason- why couldn't he just tell me?!
My relationship with him ended after I came back from a long trip out of the country. he said a lot had happened and that he would tell me everything soon. That time never came, and to this day, I still don't know what happened to him in June of 2008, causing an end to our relationship.
Try talking to her.
Maybe she's not comfortable yet. Or she may be afraid because she hasn't ever opened up to anyone, and she's not used to telling someone her life story. Don't pressure her into her HAVING to tell you, when she feels safe and secure, she'll open up.
It's important that you tell her how you feel if you want a change.
Best of luck,
-Amber Cucumber
You should talk to her about things that matter to you. Hope you hit on a topic that she wants to talk about. Then maybe she will open up. Don't force it.
I have a very similar issue with my ex. I feel that we are very well connected and I feel that we have intimacy but she feels that there is no connection. I have no idea why she feels like that. I am so comfortable around her where I can be myself and goody where I cannot act around any another person and I feel she does so with me as well. I feel we talk about deep issues beyond the superficial level but yet, she keeps saying that we have no connection. I like this girl alot and I dont know what to do because I may lose her because she feels this way. I feel I am extremely open to her and I feel she is with me also but I dont know what the problem is. She just recently broke up with me just because she feels that we have no connection and this sucks because I feel so empty as if I dont really know what went wrong...