Miss Seal I recently had a conversation with a close friend after her relationship with her boyfriend had gone south. It went something like this:
Me: So did he ever call?
A: No.
Me: You went out for three months, he met your family and you talked every day, and he ended things by just never speaking to you again, despite your reaching out several times?
A: Yes, but...
Me: How could there be a but?
A: I should have communicated more and been more understanding, and even though I'm kind of hurt, I'd still get back with him if he did call.
Oh dear. I've been guilty of this too. Even though rationally I can list a million reasons why some prospect was a bad idea, I still miss him and would get back together with him. How is this possible? It reminds me of
Stockholm Syndrome, where a person who has been tortured by someone ends up liking his or her captor.
So why, despite a million reasons why things went bad, is it so hard to get over a person? Do you think all relationships have an element of the Stockholm Syndrome, where we come to like or ignore being treated like crap?
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Comments (49)
Well, especially in a situation like this where there wasn't any sort of closure, or official ending, people tend to stay attached. Almost like they're still waiting for that person to call. Any minute now.
Probably, yes.
I wonder about that myself.
Depends on the person of course, but sometimes torture brings "life" to a life...and if that's the only liveliness someone has had in a while, its something to crave for. Its like when women want men's attention (sometimes): if you cant get good attention, get bad attention--hey its still attention.
I hate to admit it, but it's so true. People who get back together despite everything that went wrong...it seems crazy but it's not rare. I think some people take the plunge because it's the only thing in front of them at the time, whereas other people really want a second chance to do things right. And still there are other people that just want to feel loved.
I know that in my current situation, if this guy ever comes back to me and implies that he wants a relationship, it would be really hard to say 'no', despite how badly he hurt me. But, say if I were to start something with someone else, or if enough time passed by, it would probably be easier to refuse.
I don't think people necessarily like being treated like crap. And last I checked Stockholm Syndrome is when hostages begin to identify with their captors and thus sympathize for them or at least understand their rationale.
Specifically though with your question. I don't think its that easy. There could be several reasons why people feel that way. Maybe the person really enjoys talking and being with that guy. Maybe your friend misses being in a relationship. As you talk to someone you also begin to find out more and more about who they are. And you can either like the new things you find out, hate them, or be apathetic to them. Which I don't think necessarily resembles s.s. but more of just the dynamic of getting to know someone.
this is my exact situation! i don't know why it is, but it's very strong.
eek...i hope not... :-\ more then i care to admit...
Wow. Same exact situation. He ended it by never speaking to me again. Haha. Uhm, if he ever came back, I'm really not sure what I would do. I think I'd just want closure.
I know it sounds mean, but I think it's mostly because one person got the chance to lost feelings and dump the other before the "victim" of the relationship was able to share the same sentiments. Twisted, but it happens.
We all want to be wanted. Self-validation in knowing that somebody desired us is a powerful thing. Enough so to overcome our senses and logic.
I think there is denial involved somewhere in there and I think the reason it's hard to get over someone is because of the time invested in that person and yeah, after a while you do get attached and that person becomes a part of you. But it does baffle me when girls who aren't being treated how they deserve just run back on a whim and are so eager to forget...until the next time it happens. Terrible.
I guess I'm just used to it. That's all I ever knew. But I'm not a pushover, I like to fight back too. I'm not really talking about relationships, just in general.
In the past I think I might have done that. I've grown so I think that now I would cut my losses and get on with my life. If there is no closure and you still have feelings I could see how a woman would want to try again. That's bad ladies! Your letting yourself be treated as an object he can put up on a shelf for later. If he doesn't try why should you continue to care? There is someone out there who will treat you right!
First of all...amazing song by Muse.
Second...if you love someone so passionately you wont give them up easily...no matter how much you get hurt. You care about them so deeply that suddenly it doesnt matter what youre feeling, you want them to be happy. Them first you second is the thought process. It cant be helped sometimes.
It's a validation issue. People won't let go until they feel they are completely validated by the other person. Your friend who was suddenly dumped by the guy needs to get back with him just to make sure that he is able to love her and that she deserves the love. This often happens to an out of the blue break up where one person doesn't give good reasons which leave the other person confused while watching his/her own self-esteem plummet to the abyss.
@dreamerboi23@xanga - Good comment, you made some valid points.
@Lizbeth8207@xanga - Sad but true.
no offense. that guy is an asshole. any guy who just ends it by not speaking to you is an asshole. 3 months of dating and thats it?
i dunno about you but id rather want to know what went wrong and if he wants to end it, he shouldve been man enough to say it. id be hurt but im not in high school anymore. i can deal with it. and it makes it harder for me to move on if a guy leaves me hanging like that.
honestly, i just came out of a similar situation and i thought if he ever called and wanted to see me again i would soo say yes but im going to be strong and tell myself everyday that he's an asshole and im not gonna want to be with him ever and that i deserve better.
and your friend deserves better too.
I can identify with that woman. I am totally like her.
It's more of a coping method than anything else, I know I don't like to think of someone else wronging or hurting me.
My ex once asked me why I had stayed with him for so long (7 months... it ended after a year together) and I said "I dunno Stockholm syndrome?"
Turns out he had never heard of it, looked it up, and was pretty pissed afterwards haha
Well... you can be "addicted" to the person you love - studies have shown that one's brain releases Serotonin (a happy stimulant... which also is released with some drugs) when one sees even just a picture of a loved one. Maybe there should be some Love Rehab. X) But I suppose that's what Datingish is partially for.
it's b/c love is blind! even if they treat you like crap and even break it off, the love filter works many times without fail.
can't count how many friends i've seen moon over complete jackasses. others see it clearly, being emotionally detached from the situation, but they can't, not for any amount of reason you give them! have to pound it into their system continually over time; head knows it, but heart doesn't...
Oh goodness...this post is like deja vu for me. I had a boyfriend JUST LIKE THAT. And I loved him with everything I had...despite all my friends asking me why the heck I put up with his crappy behavior towards me,
But just to clarify (and being a Law and Order buff has helped me kind of understand this), people develop Stockholm Syndrome as a survival mechanism, because they feel if they can gain their abusier's trust, they will be granted more freedoms, which will eventually help them escape.
People do end up falling in love with their attackers but in that sense I don't think that's love, it's brainwashing. Love is not a factor in Stockholm Syndrome if the impact on the victim is strong enough.
I don't know how I would handle that. Most of my breakups have been nice and clear cut. We are still friends mostly too, just because we both knew it wasn't going to work and mutually agreed to end it when we could do it easily so there wouldn't be much heartbreak if any.
People make excuses for bad behaviour and start seeing their crappy relationship through rose-tinted glasses because:
they like the good moments, and can't see the bad with the good. They can't see FACTS. All they see is what they want to see, which is "S/he was so great, and yeah, she did [insert bad behaviour here], but it's my fault / it's not that big of a deal / it's not THAT bad...."
they are lonely and miss the presence of another heartbeat around in the form of a person you care about...pretty powerful stuff that can keep you hooked.
no one wants to fail, at anything! including a relationship.