Miss Double ShotStudying abroad was one of the highlights of my college career - I learned more French than I thought possible, spent my weekends on excursions around the country and met some insanely wonderful people. Oh yeah, and we went out on Tuesday nights because we didn't have class Wednesdays and we would go out and get wasted on free shots of caramel vodka and absinthe WOOOOOO!
Throughout our three months in France, we had a girl break off an engagement and two others end serious relationships; the distance and separation only made the pre-existing problems in their relationships worse! So yeah, there were free vodka shots, but there were tears afterward for a handful of us.
Here are my top five reasons why studying abroad ruins relationships:
1. The group I studied abroad with consisted of two guys and eleven girls, so estrogen was high and even if we didn't acknowledge it outright, the battle for the guys was inherent. The only people you know in the country are your group of friends from school. You will find similar personalities, attractive qualities and comfort in these people. This will make your current BF/GF nervous.
2. You will be drinking. Significantly.
I didn't trust myself enough to imbibe in tasty bevs before I studied abroad - late bloomer syndrome, etc. - and when I finally started
en France, I went a little wild. I found out quickly that I was much more flirtatious after two Hoegaardens than I was normally. If I'd had a BF at the time, I know that would've made him nervous.
3. Oceans are large. Problems that wouldn't be a big deal when you were home are a huge deal when you're apart and can only rely on a phone card and a questionable phone booth connection to talk to your sugarlumpkins. There is a time difference; that means that one of you will probably be staying up late to field calls and incur phone bills the size of the Atlantic. Also, if you're only studying abroad for a quarter or a semester, the last thing you should be doing is hanging out on the phone or the computer talking to people from back home. You spent thousands of dollars to hang out in another country; you feel like you should go see sights and meet locals and try escargot for once!
4. Foreign guys are hot. They're exotic and interesting and have accents. They know about little quiet places you can go so you don't have to shout over others.
5. You will change. Studying abroad helps you see how you react to cultures and situations you'd never experienced before. After I spent time abroad, I was much more independent, willing to try new things and was probably slightly more outgoing than I was before I left . . . so I'm sure it was a shock to the people who knew me before. "Nobody back home will change," I heard at a pre-trip meeting. "but you will. And you'll have had all these great experiences and nobody back home has." It's tough!
That being said, I'm so glad I went - I had the time of my life. I'm just glad I didn't have a guy back home waiting for me - it wouldn't have been fair to either of us.
Have you or your friends studied abroad? How long were you away and how did it affect your relationships?
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Comments (40)
---"Nobody back home will change," I heard at a pre-trip meeting. "but you will. And you'll have had all these great experiences and nobody back home has."---So true....
Love this post. I was just about to blog about this subject when I saw it :)
I'm currently studying abroad, but in high school. Yeah, yeah, yeah, high school relationships never last anyway, I know the stereotype. But in my hometown, high school relationships tend to last a lifetime, so when I found one I wanted to keep, I kept him.
I've been gone 6 months (yikes!) and I've got 4 more to go. And even though it -can- be hard at times, and I know I'm going to be a completely different person when I get back, he chose this and I wanted it. I asked "Babe, what do you want to do when I go?" And he answered "I'll wait for you." It didn't seem terrible to me, I didn't figure I'd want anyone else while I was gone.
Of course, we all have our slip-ups. ;)
But the honest truth (for me) is that I have this HUGE image in my head of when I step off the plane and hug him, and blab his ear off about this new and amazing country.
I'd say the hardest thing is the idea of actually being able to touch him; to be in his presence. In my mind, he's just a little face on my computer screen.
Scary, huh?
I wouldn't recommend(sp?) it for everyone (I don't even know if this is gonna work out for me yet!), but some people can do it.
:)
((sorry this comment is so long and scrambled!))
This entire blog is sooo true.
I studied abroad in Spain last Spring semester and had the time of my life. Although I said I wanted to stay single while I was there, I ended up meeting someone in the fall and we started dating 2 months before I left. Despite the fact that we hadn't been dating for very long we managed to stay together the whole time and are still together. Unfortunately, I made a few mistakes but I was completely honest from the very beginning.
Just like this blog says, it's tough and the hardest thing is changing...nobody else will understand back home but if they care about you enough they'll put up with the new you and your hours of stories and photos.
Overall, not recommended...the temptations are too high. But if it's someone who you think is worth it, do it anyway. Don't ever let being in a relationship stop you from going abroad...it's beyond amazing.
Hey, I'm actually studying abroad right now :)
I've been in Japan since September and will be staying until August, and I guess I'm pretty thankful that I wasn't in a relationship prior to leaving the United States. In fact, I was actually in the middle of having a lot of problems with a guy I had feelings for that hurt me badly (we weren't dating). I thought the fact that I was going to relocate would help me move on. It helped for a while, and then we started talking again online. I'm past it though, because there's so much to experience here. I can't afford to be bitter and angry about some guy back in the States.
I haven't been drinking a lot (despite that the drinking age is 20 here) but a lot of the other exchange students at my school have. I'm not particularly interested, but I've noticed how much college students (Japanese and non-Japanese) enjoy going out drinking.
And I totally agree with number 4! I love Japanese boys :) I was sort of hoping that being in Japan might give me an opportunity to meet someone new and maybe even date them (even if it's for a short time), but no such luck yet :(
I know I've definitely become more aware of myself ever since I came to Japan, and I'm really glad. Studying abroad is a great experience, whether love is involved or not!
I'm worried that my SO will go study abroad.
I can't stop him from what he wants to do...
but it worries me. :(
I fel every word+sentence+paragraph you've said in this post. I went to Paris for the whole summer last year, 2008. My boyfriend and I had just started dating for about 6 months, but our relationship was rocky to begin with (though I dont know how we made it to this point, still together, and loving each other more than ever. whew!). But it was really a tough decision for me. He was worried, but he knew even before we started dating (we were friends), that travelling has been my anticipated fervor and he didn't want me to stop from pursuing that. Studying abroad was the best thing I've done throughout my college career also. I feel you with the ''hoegarden" beers and getting wasted almost every night. Most especially, I was the "one" who left a special someone back home spending money on calling cards and adjusting my bed time to 4 in th morning to cater to calling my bf on "US" time. But in all accounts, I never cheated on him, though it sucks to say that he wasn't there in what I consider one of the "best months of my life". But things happen and a hopeless romantic needed to pursue her dream in the city of love.
Moreover, I love: "nobody at home will change, but you will". This was inevitable. Studying abroad made me turn the other cheek. It was a benefit though. Nevertheless, I wasn't born in the U.S., came here when I was thirteen from the Philippines, so I guess I was accustomed to change and flexibility anyway. But still, it was the first time being away all by myself. Yes I did change, but for the better. I had the time of my life, but I dont think I would want to pursue a dream without my cherry on top. I know it was only a month, but ironically, it was the most fulfilled, yet lacking one person, feeling. I really missed my bf when I was away. I had the time of my life, but something, someone was lacking.
So I guess, yes, it CAN ruin a relationship, but it's really how strong the bond is between the two people trying to make it work.
my roommate's boyfriend is studying abroad this semester. It's only been about a month so far, but they're still very close. They talk all the time and she just sent him cookies.
They're sort of abnormally close though (for a college relationship) and they've been dating since HS without ever attending the same school so I think they're a little bit used to it too.
I feel this post, but in a different way. My fiancee and I started off as a long-distance relationship - she was in Texas, and I was in Australia - for over a year before I moved to make us be together. Thus, we're "used" to the distance and don't mind spending time apart as it was just something we had to get used to.
We are unusually close for a college couple, which we completely enjoy.
So, when Liz left last year for a week in Paris and when she'll be going for five weeks to Caen this summer, of course it'll be hard for the both of us but ultimately it'll be the best for us and the best for Liz's future career.
You just need to be dedicated, trusting and loving in order to get through it.
It's possible. It's happened in the past and it'll happen in the future. You just need to be in the right sort of relationship to make it work. If you're truly happy in a relationship, long-distance should not be that much of an issue, and you shouldn't even register other people in a romantic way.
My two cents, anyway.
STUDYING ABROAD RUINS RELATIONSHIPS? NOT TRUE!
I'm currently in a long distance relationship. The boyfriend's studying abroad in London and has been there for more than five months and he's not coming back until June. I can safely say that everything's going great and going strong for the both of us.
LDR must consist these three basic relationship necessities to make it work (even if it's studying abroad):
(1) Trust
(2) Honesty
(3) Communication
Fin.
@reminisce - Be strong!
Great points. I never really thought about it. I gotta admit though, studying abroad sounds fun, relationships aside :)
Id be okay losing a relationship over studying abroad. I think studying overseas is one of the best things a person can do. Being in a different environment, you learn a lot about yourself and you get a deeper understanding of how you need life to work. And then, when you change, it is almost always for the better. It isn't a bad thing to break up with someone. If it happens its because you aren't compatible and that's fine.
I was an exchange student for only 3 weeks. Not nearly enough to get me loaded but I plan on joining a Jet Program and being a TA for 1-3 years. I think it will be one of the best experiences of my life and I highly recommend it for everyone.
Ah! You guys are scaring me. My boyfriend is going to study abroad in a month! Although.. he seems more worried about me than I am about him. Hehe.
I've gotta say...I experienced the opposite!
I spent Spring 2008 in London, England. My boyfriend? He was in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He never got to visit me (his last semester of senior year...very busy). I was out every night....I lived with five other girls and six guys. I did weekends (and weeks) in five European countries (Barcelona girls' weekend included...imagine THAT). If that isn't gonna put a relationship to the test, what will!?
Well, he called me everyday. Not just everyday--but several times a day. I don't even WANT to know what his phone bill was from abroad, cause most of the time Skype didn't work. He sent me care packages with my favorite American cereals and treats.
And four months after I left, he was the first person I hugged and kissed on American soil, at Chicago's O'Hare airport. We've been together four and a half years (and counting) and I've got to say...study abroad did not even come CLOSE to ruining our relationship.
I tried breaking up with him once while abroad. One night. I was so frustrated because Skype wasn't working and I missed him and nothing was going right. His response? "Honey, you're tired and you need to sleep. You'll feel better in the morning. I love you." And it was never mentioned again.
You just have to want it enough, that's all. You have to work for it. It isn't easy, and it isn't fun. He knew that going abroad was the best thing for me, even though it was going to be hell for him. But we worked at it together, and I'm so glad we did.
Study abroad was what helped me break up with the boyfriend that everyone (but me) knew was no good for me.Â
@lauradamon@xanga - True that, I'm going through the same experience right now -- except I'm in California and he's in London.
"Nobody back home will change," I heard at a pre-trip meeting. "but you
will. And you'll have had all these great experiences and nobody back
home has."
I don't agree, but maybe I'm just more domestic.
*random comment*...
Long-distance relationships are difficult and in a lot of cases...doomed no matter what.
~1~
I just studied abroad this past Fall for 4 months in Hong Kong and I don't necessarily agree that studying
abroad ruins relationships. Even though it is a lot of hard work to combat the time differences and vast oceans sometimes. If you have enough dedication and trust in your significant other to make it through together then it strengthens your relationship overall. I know,
because I've been there and the boyfriend and I are still going strong. We know that because we've been through this that we don't take our relationship for granted and we appreciate it for what it is.
Overall,
I had the time of my life an it is possible to have fun studying abroad and not jeopardize your relationship at the same time. I participated in free alky ladies nights and traveled with Parisan men but my bf trusted me and I entrusted him back home too. I think the real question
should be whether or not the people who go abroad WANT to be in a relationship while they are there.
PSP+Skype=free, long-distance, computer-to-computer phone calls any where in the world.Or you can buy the monthly plan on a pre-paid card at Wal-Mart before you leave and call to a phone from your computer for pennies a minute. Pennies!
OK, I actually haven't tried it, but everyone says it works.
@mayanao@xanga - Haha totally agree!
Yeah...when I read that comment about you changing but no one else at home changing, I thought to myself, "Elitist much!"
What I disagree with is the comparison with "people back home" not changing and not having great experiences compared to yours. Plenty of people have great experiences, whether it be from traveling or other hardships and successes.
I've spend a significant amount of time abroad, backpacking and studying, and I don't think it changed me SO much that everyone else is now a "bumpkin" and I'm "so much better" and more capable than others. The only thing that changed was that I had made new friends, and had unforgettable experiences.
Anyhow, clearly, that was not OP's main point. So to touch on OP's main point - I agree people can change, which can lead to people breaking up from relationships. Just don't hold yourself as better than people who haven't travelled - I've seen enough of that attitude, which DOES ruin relationships.
Lol... this makes me want to study abroad now! Having come out of a relationship, i think chnage is pretty much the only way to move on...
LDR cant work without lots and lots of trust and communication. my boyfriend is thinking of studying abroad/traveling and it makes me so nervous :(:( im very very insecure! he went away for two weeks to hungary in the summer, and i felt stronger at the end of it...but two weeks is nothing compared to six months - one year x_x
This is so true. I studied abroad in Spain two summers ago, and when I came back, I broke up with my boyfriend of three and a half years. Sigh. Everything you mentioned as to why a relationship might deteriorate is also true, at least in my situation. Still, looking back, I don't regret the relationship I had with him, but I don't regret breaking up with him either.
Foreign guys are so hot!
I met my husband studying abroad during college. I agree with so many of the points. It's not impossible to do the whole long distance thing but it's definitely not optimal. However, I definitely recommend studying abroad, the experience was wonderful!
@JennLee -
Well said. I think not many people realize this, and is probably why they tend to say that LDRs do not work most of the time. They are not willing to do all they can to make it work.