Miss Penguin So I've gone on a few dates with this guy (we'll call him The Foreigner) and I like him. But he's getting way too intense way too fast. He wants to see me every freaking day and he keeps talking about how much he cares about me and likes me and how he thinks I'm "a keeper" and how he doesn't want to go a week without seeing me (I'm going out of town for a bit soon).
I tried to tell him today that I was getting freaked out. But then he freaked out because he was all "that's just the way I am. I can't change who I am. I could be a jerk and withhold my feelings, but that's not the person I am or want to be. And if you're getting freaked out then I'm going to have to start thinking about everything I say or do..." sheesh. He can be very sweet, and on the one hand, it's a nice change from the typical stoic New York guy who acts like he could care less about whether you even existed. But on the other hand, I'm not really at a place in my life to get serious, and even though he's not asking me to make any commitment (I was very clear with him that we're not exclusive), I still can't help but feel a little smothered by his actions.
I don't want to see him all the time. I have a lot of other people I want to spend time with. And while I like cuddling and touching, we don't need to be touching at all times! I also feel bad because I clearly don't like him as much as he likes me, so I'm starting to feel as if I'm leading him on, even though I've tried to be very upfront with him about where I am in my life now.
I feel like I should probably cut it off now before it gets to be a really big problem. But I do like him, just not as much as he likes me...And I also feel like if I do cut it off now, right after we had this insanely intense conversation, it will end badly. And we're friends. And we have a lot of the same friends. I don't want to jeopardize my entire social circle. When he first asked me out, he assured me that wouldn't happen and that we would stay friends even if it didn't work out between us. But with how defensive he was getting tonight, I'm not so sure.
Advice? What do you do when someone is smothering you? How do you tell them (gently) to back off? Or do you just flee in terror?
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Comments (49)
I run as fast as I possibly can.
This is total creeper status. A clingy guy usually never gets better about their obsession, and often, it's not even love that's driving them - infatuation sounds like it hits the spot. If you really like him, you could keep him around, and if you do that, I say you should tell him, very adamantly, that there needs to be 'you' time and 'us' time. If he can't accept that, and continues to pester you about wanting to be with you every second of every day, I suggest he watch How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days. Maybe it'll give him perspective. Oh! And I also suggest you lose him like you "lose" homework you forgot about.
My friend was JUST talking to me about the same problem she's going through. I felt bad for her and I definitely feel bad for you. I agree with xxthatsmexx@xanga, you should just let him know that you need the space for yourself and you definitely need the days to hang out with your friends. After all, you knew them before you knew him (I assume) and they're still an important part of your life. But at the same time, assure him that you appreciate how sweet and nice he is and that you like that about him.
Oh and you should majorly hint that you think it makes the relationship stronger when the guy and girl does not see or talk to each other for a couple days. Distance makes the heart grow fonder.
I would run--not walk--directly to the nearest exit. For him to say "That's just the way I am" means that he's not going to change, at least not for long before he goes back to his own ways. With an answer like that, I wouldn't take the risk just to see if things get better.
@xxthatsmexx@xanga - Agree as well. Or just run like Forrest Gump.
if you don't want what he's sellin, don't try to bargain.
someone will be swooned by this foreigner...you don't have to settle for an item you don't want.Make a note out of magazine clippings that suggests you've been kidnapped and that you've been taken to China. HOWEVER, instead of going to China like your kidnapper suggested, go to CANADA. :D
In other words, get rid of him.
I was in the exact same situation. Run, baby, run. He is a total creeper.
you start running, while screaming, "PEACE THE FUCK OUT, BITCHNUGGET."
I've been in a situation like this before and look where I ran to...Korea! lol :)
Run! And run fast! :)
*On a side note: It wasn't because of him that I left to go to Korea, it was already decided, but the fact that I could get away from him too, that was bonus* :3
@ecafrusehtrednu@xanga - OmG!~ Priceless!!~ *ROFL*
That's the kind of guy who will hate you for just talking to other guys, who will get mad if you wear anything slightly revealing, who will cuss you out but want you back because he can't live without you, etc. etc.
really bad
@Amailie@xanga - Especially since it kinda relates to your story, huh!? HAHAHA! 한국에 재미 있어? :P
Btw topic writer, I think the guy hangs around with girls too often. Is that why you have the same circle of friends? >__>;
Yikes, sounds like a lot of red flags there! I was in a very similar situation not too long ago. I decided to give the guy a chance, and before long, he went from being just clingy to downright controlling. He seemed to want to be by my side 24/7, would get angry and offended if I asked for a bit of space, and he'd get extremely upset if I even suggested meeting up with some friends without him. It definitely wasn't a fun time...
You should be very careful, because it seems that many situations like the one you described end up like the one I was in. And the longer you let it slide, the harder it will be to find a way out.
My advice: GTFO as soon as possible!!
my bf is like that too, sometimes just too smothering. telling me how much he loved me in the first 2 weeks. i didn't think that was normal but if thats how he felt, i guess fine with me because i did tell him im not the one to fall so easy due to prior relationships. he was fine with that.
some events happened and i realized how much he really does love me and the feelings are mutual. but now, im not sure if its the freshness of being with him has faded or as such. now i think alot about just ending it. before hes too into me and worry about me etc.
in your situation i think its best to end it now because if he gets into you and then there were fond memories it makes u bad for hurting such a nice guy.
or you could tell him you are just not the type to fall so easily and if he could just take the relationship slow for now. until the feelings really have kicked in. :)
I think you should just go with what your gut is telling you. From how you put it... it sounds like you've already made your decision. It's just up to you to either A) give him a chance and see where it leads to or B) leave and tell him your feelings or this one which is most likely going to be the winner... C) go with your gut and ignore what I've just written.
Jhae
End it now.
My friend once told me "Always marry somebody who loves you more than you love them." He's your golden ticket.
@ecafrusehtrednu@xanga - 네!~ 한국에재미있어요!~ 한국에서오셨어요? :3
Don't answer with a long answer, please! I'm still studying! >__<
@Amailie@xanga - i don't even know what 오셨어 means, so you know more than me. lmfao, i'm taking korean class, too. i don't have a native tongue other than english. haha. you speak so formally though, haha!
i just looked it up >_> and no, i have never been to korea. xD i couldn't put that in korean words either... >_<;
@ecafrusehtrednu@xanga - *ROFL, literally* I just assumed that like, you were going to be one of those people that like as soon as Korean left my mouth, they would talk to me like I actually knew what I was talking about! >___< And don't worry, I still had to look in MY book to ask you that question...so...yeah...:3
He's not in it to be friends. Be strong and don't look back.
I had a guy coming on far to strong (actually one of my blogs was about it) and I felt too bad to say anything. Unfortunately it continued to get worse and I ended up telling him to just back off, and we haven't spoken since. Not the way I wanted it to end, but if you let it get worse, the chances of it ending well will decrease.
this is like the forth blog i read of yours and its my time on this site but all i can say thank god you saying it. my boyfriend is mexican and he's perfect what girl doesnt wnat their boyfriend to long for you all day and wanna see you and dont care what you look like anymore? Well not me im not a hard tomboy or a gurlie girl but i was raised with 3 brothers and had to be able to handle my self around them so them. So sometimes all i want to ask from my boyfriend is caN i have some fricken space and then he'.ll start cryin if he could read english i would so put him on your site
I feel like when I just read that I was reading about my last relationship. I was being smothered too. Constant PDA, always "what can I do" but in a way where I felt as though he was taking away my independence. He was overwhelming and I got to the point where I had to end it. There were other things going on but one of the reasons was because I just couldn't take it. I'm 21 and he was talking about getting engaged a month into dating. And he planned on us moving int together. He was nuts. The best advice I have is to end it. Some girls like needy guys and some girls dont. You dont and thats totally OK