Readers, I swear I don't make these stories up. I think this is just life trying to balance out my calm, cooling relationship by surrounding me with crazy, mixed up relationships.
My roommate/best friend just went on a "break" with her boyfriend. First off, I'll say that "breaks" don't work the way we want them to. Girls, we always call for a "break" because we want the guy to appreciate us more or we want the boy to calm down. Guys, you call the "break" because you want to test the waters or make us less clingy. No, friends - breaks do not work like this. The guy always becomes more curious of where you are, and the girl calls your phone more often than she would have when you were dating. But I digress.
She just called for a break with her man about two weeks ago. He was, or still is, crazy, and was a borderline abusive boyfriend. I, being a good friend, encouraged the break, but only as an exit strategy. I prefer a cleaner cut, but she was (honestly) afraid of what he may do to himself.
So now, Valentine's Day is coming around, and she's seen him once since the split. Apparently she is "completely over it" and "does not want to get back with him," but she
does want flowers and a nice Valentine's Day dinner. I've told her it's completely unreasonable to ask him to come visit her on this, the most romantic of all holidays, but she doesn't seem to want to listen. "If he wants to do it, why should I tell him no?" she asks.
Now he's contacted me, telling me he wants to plan a wonderful Valentine's Day with her. But as a surprise.
Uh-oh.
I have full loyalty to my roommate, and I would never betray her by telling him that she doesn't want to be with him anymore. Not only is that not my place to interfere, but that's something that she has to learn to do for herself.
However, I do feel there is something that has to be said to one of them.
Here are where I feel my options lie:
1) Tell her about the surprise and let her know how this will only bring their relationship backwards and not towards a break-up.
2) Hint at her ex that it may not be such a good idea and cover for her (explain that she has to work and won't be out til late, or make up an excuse).
3) Stay out of it and let her pieces fall where they may.
4) Hint to her that he is surprising her and let her deal with it how she wants.
What would you do if your friend's ex was planning a surprise Valentine's Day? Would it be different if you knew your friend wanted to get back together? Do you think that I have more options that this?
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Comments (35)
I would suggest hinting at the ex that she won't like it, but not making some excuse for her. If he still decides to do it, then let him.
I definitely wouldn't get in the middle of this. You already did the right thing by encouraging your friend to break it off with the abusive guy. And sadly, she's not listening too well.
If she was really over it, I think she'd be doing something else this Valentine's Day besides expecting her ex to throw her a dinner. And if they broke up on bad terms, why the heck are they even talking? They need to cut off contact for a while before they can even consider being friends, in my opinion.
Just make plans with her if you don't already have them. That will sway her from caring about this.
I'm sorry... somewhere along the line my brain exploded... I don't think I understand the situation at all, correct me:
1. Two weeks ago they went on break
2. They've spoken once since then
3. She doesn't want to be with him
4. She wants him to pamper her for V-day
5. He wants to be with her???
6. He wants to pamper her for V-day
Is this correct? If it is, let the pieces fall where they may. I mean, she's totally self-centered and contributes to some very negative views of some girls, but frankly, it's her deal. I feel bad for him, but somehow, they both seem to be doing and getting what they want, and the fact that their expectations are completely out of whack is their own problem. You might warn him not to have too high of expectations, but beyond that, there seems to be no reason for you to interfere. I'd stay out of it and let the pieces fall where they may. Prep him not to have too high of expectations if you like. Tell her she's self-centered and I'm embarrassed for her if you like. But the rest of it is just them screwing things up in their own screwed up way...
Option 3) Let the pieces fall where they'll lie, and stay out of it.
Your "meddling" will only cause resentment and bitterness one way or the other, and both parties will mistrust you.
This is something that the couple themselves as mature adults need to work out between themselves, with nobody in between. Only then will anything ever be satisfactorily resolved.
I'd stay out of it. I mean really, she'd be kind of leading him on by letting him do something for her on Valentines Day, if she doesn't get back with him. If she does end up getting back with him, she's got to learn from her own mistakes. Either things will get crappy for her again or he might get better. Most people will say there's a really slim chance for the latter, though.
Honestly, I give my friends my advice. They don't have to listen to it. You can tell her what you think about it, and either she'll listen to you or not. There's not much else you can do. If you were to step in and tell him that she's busy, or not tell her his plans, etc -- You'd be getting in the way of their lives. It's better for you to just stay out of it entirely and let things unfold however they will.
Stay as far away from that as possible. If you can, schedule a quick vacation this weekend and lose your phone, laptop and any other media that could possibly allow you to be dragged into it.
Your roommate/best friend is the type of girl who makes girls look bad. She's a user. If she was afraid of what he might do to himself before, just wait until he wines and dines her and THEN cuts it off completely. If you have any involvement in it at all, it should simply be to tell her to stop being a terd and get her stuff together. At a certain point, you just have to let her deal with the consequences of her own stupidity, which it sounds like is about to happen.
4.
Sit back, pop some popcorn, and watch what happens. She's clearly selfish and hard-headed, seeing as how she doesn't want to be with this guy, but still wants something for Valentine's Day. If that was the case she could have at least waited until after V-Day to break up, which is still selfish.
And dude is crazy for wanting to do something DESPITE the break. A break is a break, V-Day is NOT an exception! Your friend is going to give him the wrong idea if she agrees to spend time with him.
This is their situation, so if something happens, it's not your fault.
if i were your friend I'd appreciate option 4.
Wow, it looks like a toxic relationship from both ends. Anyway, I'll agree with everyone and suggest you stay out of it. From my experience with my friends and their bf/gf problems, it's better if they learn their mistakes themselves.
Stay far, far, far, far away. In fact, RUN the other direction. My best friend was off and on again for probably two years with a guy who is pretty crazy and borderline abusive as well, and I was way too involved. Trying to get her out of the situation, trying to get him to back off, etc. etc. Well, the whole thing ruined our friendship. I was involved in something that I shouldn't have been and nothing good came from it. Your roommate is not a victim, she will make her own choices regardless of what you do or don't do. But your involvement is going to make you resent each other. Trust me, stay out of this one.
I would tell him that you can't be bothered with that relationship anymore--the easiest way is to just tell him that you hate Valentines Day and the thought of participating makes you sick (It doesn't have to be true...). Then drop a hint to your friend and have HER deal with it.
From the "EXTREMELY LOYAL and kind of nosy" friend's side, you could tell her about it, and hint at her "busy" schedule. But she seems adamant about just wanting company, and if she doesn't want to learn the easy way, then she'll have to go through this road the hard way. I think you're just going to have to let her make the mistake, since she might just get angry if you try to persuade her to refuse the Valentine's sentiments, again. Good luck!
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Great minds think alike.
Seriously. Reading this post makes me want some chocolate. Mmmm.
Option 3.
I think it's wrong to let him go forward with his plan, it's misleading and he is going to end up very disappointed and hurt. Regardless if you like him or not or agree with the circumstances of their relationship, it's still deceitful and wrong to let her dupe him into giving her a nice valentines day. You cant have it both ways. If she don't want to be with him anymore then she does not deserve the Valentines Day he plans to give her.
She's just being a greedy bitch who loves exploiting the concept of love. People like that are sick.
I say find her a new guy and leave it at that. Abusive BFs = BIG NO NO, NO MATTER the circumstances. ^_~
i would go with staying out of it,
its an issue between the two of them,
it is too bad she doesn't want to get back together with him, but wants to reap the benefits of valentines day, but at the same time, you tried to have her listen to you, but she didn't want to, even if things end up ugly, in the end its one of those cases where they'll realize their friend is right, and they were wrong.
Talk to your friend about WHY she still wants flowers and attention from this guy if she says she's over him, and if he was borderline abusive towards her. I mean, are you SURE she doesn't want to be with him anymore??
My guess is that, er, she's not over him. Two weeks is not long enough to get over someone who really got under her skin...and I'm guessing, with his behaviour, that he did. And I'm guessing, with her behaviour, that she's not over him. I mean, if she was over him, she wouldn't be encouraging him to be romantic towards her! Unless, of course, she's a cold-hearted person who wants to use him...
But as for what you should do...hmm. I feel innately protective of people who have been in abusive/borderline abusive relationships, so I think I would meddle a little bit, using #1, but not telling her that it will bring the relationship backwards...I would instead, as I wrote above, TALK to her about why she wants such a surprise and what she thinks it will lead to. Hopefully with the talk, she'll realize that it's a mistake to accept anything from this guy.
i would have a discussion with the roommate on how it's NOT CHILL TO FUCK WITH PEOPLE and that she needs to make up her mind. this guy obviously still cares, but she can't use him just for a valentine's day fling..surprises. be honest with the guy, but don't  speak on behalf of your roommate...just say that you don't know what your room mate wants and that you don't think it'd be a good idea for either of them. good luck.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - I totally agree to what he said!~ :)
You know that really old song from the 80's with the addictive hook... "run away..." I suggest you turn your back, grab a book, sit... relax and just lend your ear to your dear best friend. Give a little advice from here to there but NEVER EVER butt into there relationship because in the end, you'll just look like the next EX bestfriend =)
I'd sit the roommate down for a 5 minute chat involving the fact that he's planning something, the fact that it won't do more than make it more difficult to break up, she'd be repeating history as a result, and that she'll have a memory to hate V-day for. Then after all that, if she still doesn't listen, stay out of it and watch things fall into place. If she asks for advice later, tell her that she didn't listen to the advice you already gave her and can't think of any others. LOL!
Whatever you do, please do not choose option 2. That is simply dishonest. Even though she's acting in a way that may not seem logical, friends are there to support one another, even through their mistakes (which I think you've already figured out). Put yourself in her shoes, to decide what you want to do.