Wednesday, 11 February 2009

• Ten Ways to Avoid Becoming The Crazy Ex

  Ah yes, the crazy ex. That poor soul that just loved you a little too much. We all have one - most of us have probably been one, too - and Valentine's Day always brings mine back into my life in the oddest ways. I have two crazy exes, so this post has formulated in my head these past few days and now I think it's ready for the world (or Datingish, at least).

  I'm sure you all want to share your stories of ex-oddities and probably want to make sure you don't end up the star of the stories your ex will tell his buddies until the day he dies, so I've compiled a list of ten ways (both pre- and post-breakup) to ensure you don't become the crazy ex.

  NOTE: While these may be able to be applied to both sexes, I am writing specifically about things my ex-boyfriends have done. Not to say that girls couldn't take heed of these as well, but slight alterations may need to be made in order to make the points applicable.

  Pre-Breakup
  1) Do not say "I love you" within the first week.
  

  I had a guy say this to me three days after we had started going out. We hadn't even put the official boyfriend/girlfriend label on it yet! This is one of those things that sends an immediate red flag in your SO's head. It's like a huge blaring siren and robotic voice shouting, "CREEPER ALERT! CREEPER ALERT!". I don't care if you think you "feel it," keep your tongue in your cheek for another few weeks, all right?
  
  2) Do not plan out our future together.

  Now there's a time and a place for this, of course, but what I am referring to is that person that, a couple months into the relationship, already has your kids' names picked out or something equally creepy. My ex gave me a list of colleges near the one he planned to go to that offered journalism as a major after we had been dating less than two months. We were sophomores.
  
  3) Do not be overly clingy.

  My ex always needed to be touching me. If we were sitting across a table from one another he would stretch his legs out to touch mine. There's cute touchy-feely, and then there's, "Get off of me, you freak!". Try to keep it in moderation and understand that everyone needs some space to breathe from time to time.
  
  4) Do not cry/beg when we're breaking up with you.

  If you weren't labeled as crazy before, you are now. Sobbing, pleading, trying to convince me you can change, etc. is really serving no purpose other than to make me worry you need psychiatric help. I had a guy tell me he was thinking about killing himself after I broke up with him. Can you say, "Cuckoo, cuckoo"? Obviously, I've thought this through enough to actually break up with you, so your crying is not going to magically change my mind.
  
  Post-Breakup
  
  5) Let me break up with you.

  Just because you refuse to accept it doesn't mean it didn't happen. Sure, you can still call, say "I love you", sit next to me, etc. but don't expect me to be receptive. I broke up with you. Relationship over. Now stop trying to hold my hand, okay?
  
  6) Don't get me gifts.

  Yeah, that mixtape of songs that remind you of me? Not nearly as sweet now. The roses you had delivered on my birthday when my current boyfriend was at the house? Very not okay. The scrapbook you created of our relationship? Restraining order. And, in case you're wondering, yes, all those examples have actually happened to me. I don't exactly pick winners, obviously.
  
  7) Don't apologize over and over and over and...

  You can have the little apology-fest once. Just the once. Make it a bi-weekly event and I'll start to wonder what you're hoping to accomplish. I'm supposed to be so moved by your perpetual "I'm sorry"s that I get back together with you? Um...no. Say it once and then move on with your life.
  
  8) Don't call me for your pity parties.

  I understand that you've had a crappy day/week/life/whatever, but you can't call me and cry about your life after we have barely spoken for months. Call a friend or a helpline or something, not your ex. NOTE: If you and your ex have remained good friends, this is likely not going to be weird at all, so you can disregard it.
  
  9) Don't bash every other guy on the planet.

  "You like _____! He is such an ass! He's totally not right for you". And...you are? You can't really expect us to take our ex's opinion on our object of interest seriously, can you? Jealousy is very unbecoming and, if occuring in excess, kinda scary. As the wise philosopher Rory Gilmore (Gilmore Girls) once said: "There's cute jealous, and then there's Othello."
  
  10) Don't pine.

  Sure, it may take you some time to get over a breakup, fair enough. If it's been a year and you've remained single, are still writing me songs, telling me how amazing I am, and saying you love me, I'm gonna worry. A lot. You're not going to get anything from me except pity and then, eventually, frustration. I can't give you what you want from me anymore, and your lingering around with your vain hope is just unhealthy.
  
  Any of you have anything you think should be added to the list?

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