Tuesday, 10 February 2009
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My Husband Is Addicted to Pr0n
Throughout our entire relationship, my husband has known that I hate pr0n. Maybe it comes from seeing my mom's relationships when I was growing up and learning that men who watch porn are cheaters, too. Maybe it comes from growing up in a somewhat religious home. Or maybe one day I just decided that porn equaled cheating.In my opinion, a man (or woman) should not look at other women (or men) to get off. If you love your significant other, he or she should be enough for you. And you should go to that person for ALL of your sexual needs.
I didn't even find out that my husband watched porn until after we were married (maybe some of you will think that is awfully naive of me). But it was immediate.
Even when we first got married, he didn't show a lot of sexual interest in me. We had sex on our wedding night, and then not for three weeks after that. A month after the wedding, we were supposed to visit some of my family out of state, but he opted not to go. While I was gone, he was watching porn. I found out when I returned because of that nifty little tool on computers, you know, the one that brings up recent URLs that you've typed starting with the same letter to make your life a little easier. When I was online, a porn site popped up in that dropdown menu.
It took him forever to figure out how to cover his tracks even a little. And, after inadvertently finding out repeatedly that he'd been watching it, I started checking the internet history all the time. But by the time I actually started looking for signs of his doing it, he had figured out how to cover his tracks.
I have been having a hard time trusting him. Over Thanksgiving, my sister and I went to see my brother. Once again, my husband was supposed to join us, but in the end, he didn't. I told him that I was worried about going because I was afraid he'd watch porn again. He promised me I had nothing to worry about. But when I got home, I found out that he had.
After he lied to me about it, I really lost it. I told him if he watches porn again, I will leave him, which is a really big thing for me to threaten because I hate divorce as a principle. But I told him I would rather be alone than to feel the way he makes me feel when he chooses porn over me.
Does your significant other watch porn? How does it make you feel and why?
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- From: iwillkickyour@xanga
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Comments (275)
Maybe it's you.
Maybe you should give him some excitement. Lol.
Then he wouldn't be so addicted.
You have a right to be upset. It is adultery. While he may not be physically having sex with another woman he is doing it in his heart.
Ask him to talk to a pastor, and if he won't, go yourself at least. It's more than just a struggle, as your title says it is an addiction.
From what I understand of the addiction the lack of sex drive towards you is also a symptom of the pornography addiction. He probably doesn't know how to express it to a real woman and instead does so with the images on the screen.
Mark Driscoll wrote a short book on the subject, it's available free online. http://relit.org/porn_again_christian/
If he seeks counseling and more importantly turns to Christ he can be delivered from it. It's going to take prayer and action on your part as well though.
*random comment*...
1. It's PORN, not Pr0n.
2. Probably around 85% of Heterosexual men are probably addicted to porn.
3. Just deal with it. Try watching it with him, maybe it'll make sex more exciting between you.
4. It's really sad that you didn't know he watched porn before you got married. You should get to know someone inside and out before making such a big commitment.
~1~
my bf & i both watch porn itzza non ishue but wat yer husband iz doing iznt cool especially wen he liez about it very very uncool
get serious people! porn is a problem!! and no one should have to put up with her husband watching porn!
guys, think about how you'd feel if your wife went off and signed up to become a prostitute while you were married to her. yeah.
so do you really love your wife or do you just love yourself so much you have to have self-pleasure on demand, 24-7?
porn is selfish.
Wow, I find it interesting that your husband isn't even sexually interested in you...not to say that marriage is all about sex, but sex is an important part. I'm not sure how to word things other than "Why are you together?" Because not only does the marriage lack any sort of sexual intimacy, he doesn't even join you when you go to see family. It sounds like pr0n is more important to him, and that's definitely not right. Not only that but he's lying to you. If there are some good qualities in this man, do tell us, because from what you've said so far, it sounds like he's nothing but a pig and a loser. Maybe try marriage counseling? Of course, that's if he doesn't skip sessions to watch porn.
I'd feel very uncomfortable if my SO watched porn. It's one thing for an unmarried man to do so, but if I were married I'd feel a bit hurt if my husband was getting off to some chick on a computer screen. That's why I'm going to shower him with kisses and attention so he knows that there's something better in the bedroom than that stuff on those trashy DVDs ;)
research what kind of porn, play them out.
Porn isn't that bad, but the fact he lies about it is. I mean, he should be able to let you know that. What'd you do, crack the whip on him automatically? Haha, kidding. But, really.. I don't know what you could do. It bothers you, he should take that into consideration. You should have known him better before getting married.
Just.. talk about it or something.
My SO doesn't watch porn, and I find that charming.
Its just porn! Not that it justifies that fact that he lied to you about not watching it again. It'd be worst if you found out he was cheating. Try changing the sex routine, or doing it a bit more often. If that doesn't work then sad to say, maybe he's not being satisfied and you guys should depart. You shouldn't have to put up with something you don't like. Hope all works out well.
@Anthony_chosen@xanga - pr0n is leet for "porn". It's a deliberate spelling error...
i would try to have a calm discussion about it and let him know how the act of him watching porn affects you. As much as guys may not want to watch porn, they get trapped in it. And it is a hard thing for a guy to admit he's addicted to porn. Show him you are on his side and that you are willing to help him out of his addiction.
Porn is now a pretty ethically OK thing in society. It's a legitimate industry, and it depicts the most natural thing about our species. Humans are sexual creatures, and in a hyper-sexual society it's not considered a problem when people go out and buy porn or toys.
If you have a problem with him, you really need to discuss it. Making threats about divorce is absolutely NOT an option if you're looking to settle the problem in a mature adult manner. Threatening will only make him feel diminished and defensive, and that will get you nowhere.
Porn in a relationship can be normal. In fact, you may be able to use it to facilitate a sex life in your marriage. It's not uncommon for something like that to take place, and if it can help lead the transition from porn to seeking you for his sexual needs, why not? Marriage is about joining two lives and crafting one you can both share, happily. That WILL require compromise, on BOTH parties. Maybe your stance on porn will have to be one of those compromises.
Looking at your blog... it seems like you should have just gotten a divorce ages ago.
Just get the damn divorce already and stop wasting your time with a guy you clearly don't even like.
@QuantumStorm@xanga - Thanks for the info.
3 words: Christian Marriage Counseling
If he's not having sex with the porn stars, it's not cheating.
er maybe you should be supportive as a wife and talk to him and ask him how u can satisfy him sexually perhaps?Instead of whinging that he is watching porn. My bf use to watch porn everyday until i started going out with him and now he hardly even watch porn.. if he does, we watch it together at times... porn it nothing disgusting... i know people who watch porn and are loyal to their partner... yes he has a problem,which is lying to you... perhaps try talking to him and ask wat the problem is.. else go counselling together.
That sounds like a relationship problem unrelated to porn. Perhaps this situation is just a symptom of a bigger problem!
His problem with lying? The lack of sexual interest in each other? His disinterest in being with your family? Your mistrust of him?
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - I definitely agree! Couldn't have said it better myself.
it's like this: guys love watching porno (just trust me on this one :) ). but if after your honeymoon there was a 3 week delay in whoopie, that's just not healthy. if he's dodging events with you so he can watch "Anal Hookers 12," that is a serious addiction and you should be concerned. the porn's supposed to be a complement to his sexual needs at best, but not supposed to completely take over it.
Please just stop whining and bitching. I went to your blog after musingsofanalmostsocio's comment mentioned it, and it seems like you're beyond bitter about pretty much everything about him, and you have a seriously fucked...up marriage. Just get a divorce already if you don't want to be married to him.
You and your husband should find a common ground regarding porn. To each his own, but I think watching porn isn't cheating unless it's bordering on unhealthy addiction. Porn is like a fantasy for most of us and watching people have almost impossiblely great sex is awesome. It's like looking in the mirror when you and your SO are having sex. It's hot.
I hope I didn't go off track there...
Anyway, I see a lot of people have negative things to say to you. I say figure out if his watching porn is a natural thing or if it's actually unhealthy. If it's the former, you should find common ground. For me, being in my current relationship has forced me to rethink the world and the way I look at it. This may be your chance to do the same.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - Good job pointing out her blog.
Lady, get a divorce. I understand your principles and all that good stuff, but this is one marriage that had no business taking place. I take back that suggestion about marriage counseling, even that won't save you.