Tuesday, 10 February 2009
-
How Do You And Your BF/GF Gain Each Other's Trust?
Aside from doing those trust exercises you do at team building camps ("fall backwards and I'll catch you!" *walks away and person falls over*), how can you and your SO learn to trust each other?
I feel like it can't be anything forced - like "okay, bud, you and I are going to work on trusting today" - but that it's definitely cumulative and if you start on a basis of trust and understanding, your relationship will only get better with time.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (41)
I don't know how... but it just happens...
Well, just by.. living. I mean, how could you force it? You'd both realize it was a forced thing, therefore no trust would be earned. It's just through daily occurrences that trust is earned. Like, you see a girl flirt with him and he somehow rejects the flirtations. Or you do something for him and he thinks, "Damn, she really cares."
It's all sorts of stuff. Nothing can be forced.
Just tell your SO like what you do and whom with and stuff like that... Obviously, not about every single thing ever, but you know, let them know kinda what you're up to, don't ever lie to them, and their trust should be earned.
It's not something you think about doing at first. Trust just develops with time. It takes--dare I say it--getting to know the person. Obviously there's no trust if you treat everything your SO says with suspicion. In a way it's like how we learn to trust anyone else, like our friends and family.
If you're talking about when that trust is broken and you're trying to rebuild it, it's sort of the same thing, but just with more caution. If you can't trust that person, you shouldn't be with them. It just causes unnecessary strain to question everything an SO says and does.
for me, it's not a matter of gaining it. it's a matter of keeping it because *he* automatically has it from the start since i trust everyone. now the question is... is he going to take advantage of me and do something dumb, have me find out, and lose my trust?
Hmmm, you gain someone's trust through time, and by sharing secrets. The more intimately you know someone, the more you do and have to trust them. When you first meet, the things you tell each other are shallow and can be found on anyone's facebook/xanga profile. The more you get to know each other, the more things you tell and learn about the other. When you start sharing your feelings, your secrets (and not necessarily "one time I shoplifted", sometimes just secret thoughts, or secret feelings), you are doing so on the basis of extending your trust in your relationship that they will keep that confidence. When they do, it extends your circle of trust and the bubble of confidence. Just be wary, I call confidence a bubble, because it is easy for it to burst, and the two collapse. I wrote about this somewhat here:
http://www.xanga.com/MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio/687667749/secrets-and-sex/
It's something that has to happen over time. Like not acting suspicious, keeping secrets from each other, being honest about what you're doing/who is going to be with you and everything like that.
It's got to start somewhere. If you want his trust you've got to reach out, and actually give it a try. Trust him with something. That's really all you can do.
People are fallible; they're going to let you down. That's just the risk you take. You have to decide if it's worth the risk. That's all I can say.
Just by living, and being there for each other. That's the way to do it. And might be a good idea to trust him, too -- that's a good start.
I remember the "fall over and I'll catch you" one. My friend and I, well more likely my friend, decided we should do it and I reluctantly agreed. It took some coaxing as I'm afraid of falling with my back problems but in the end I guess it wasn't so bad...
you grow together.
@abcxunt@xanga - Yeah. Simple but that's just it.
actually going through ups & downs together. also, time.
I posted his deepest, darkest secret on myspace. I trusted him enough to not get mad. He was furious, thus, our relationship ended.
I think it's a combination of time and a self-fulfilling prophecy. For one thing, trust can be destroyed in a minute but takes a long time to build. But also, if you go into it not trusting him, he will never seem trust-worthy. Give him the benefit of the doubt and things will work out.
you know...i have no idea!
For me, it's automatically a given until he breaks it. After he breaks it, I 1) either kick his ass to the curve or 2) he has to earn it back.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - LOL @ one time I shoplifted...
These were good responses. I'm always interested in how people go about doing this.
Note that trust is a word of burden... has been, and always is.
Notice how you never use "trust" in situations such as "I will trust him to enjoy or to slack off". Trust is often related to ABILITIES, such as "I trust him to complete this simple task perfectly", or "I trust that he will stay loyal to me."
You should realize that sometime we just can't do it, because we are human. And so you shouldn't just trust someone all the time to "take care of something" or be "responsible".
In conclusion, basically ... a more capable person is more trustworthy to uphold a certain standard.
Um. I am one of those people who it really takes some work from the other person for me to trust them. And once I do trust them, any little thing can break that trust. I'm working on it. :/
With that said, I have no idea why I trust my boyfriend. Haha. That sounds terrible after three and a half years together, but it's true. I guess because he hasn't done anything to lose my trust. No sneakiness or lying or staying out late at night. His friends are all guys I can pretty much tell aren't going to force him into bad situations. It's all good.
Say something and follow through. Call when you say you will. Communicate clearly, express your love, and trust your SO in return.
It just happens. I trust him because of what he said AND what did to SHOW me that he's worth it, and that he could never hurt me. I didn't try to MAKE it happen, but it just did by itself.
Well, there should be at least a level of trust BEFORE the relationship, right? People don't go into a relationship believing that they're lying cheating SOBs. And basically, what everyone else said. It just sort of happens. You can't force it. It's proven. And one bad thing screws the whole trust thing up. -__-' Yup.
You don't date people you know are lying scumbags... so a large part of trusting the person you're with comes from taking that initial small level of trust and not. fucking. it. up. X)
First you trust the other person.
it might be an insecurity issue, you feel you can't trust him because you are insecure.
i feel that way also, so i either don't think about it or ask him and have him tell me in his words how much i mean to him etc so if one day the bastard decides to run of with some girl well you have something to yell at him about him front of her.. and stomp off! :p