Tuesday, 10 February 2009
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Online Dater: What Do I Do Now?
So my date on Friday was pretty bad. It lasted a whopping 45 minutes, and he talked about the state of the economy the entire time. It was partly my fault - I mentioned how I minored in economics. It wasn't so much that the person was unpleasant; it was that we had no chemistry, and the feeling was pretty mutual.As for Will, he called on Saturday and asked me about my plans for the next day. I was confused - we had already agreed to see each other then. I guess he forgot? He murmured that he wasn't sure he could make it and said he'd call again. To all the people who think he is just not that into me, I think so too, but then he made vague suggestions we go on vacation together...?
Whatever that meant, he never called, so as a last attempt, I texted, "I just want you to kiss the back of my neck. What's wrong with you?" No answer.
That is, of course, the end, but I'm not sure what to do now. Sidenote: any person who does not appreciate the beauty of such a message does not deserve to be with me!
The guy with the kid is adamant about meeting up, but I don't think I'm quite ready for that kind of relationship. I mean, it does reveal a level of maturity, but I'd feel weird.
I'm dated out for a bit, and I don't think I can take another evening of banter about interest rates. My friend suggested speed-dating - out of the ten people you meet, someone has to be relatively normal and it moves quickly. I don't think that's my cup of tea either, though.
What do you guys think I should do? Take a break? Continue on with online dating (does anyone have any tips on how to screen people better?)? Speed-date? Get a dog?
The thing is, I don't want to force anything. I was proud of my first step in the online dating direction, but I do sometimes wonder if things are a bit too difficult. A lot of people see a partner at the end of the line; a lot of people eventually want to settle down with someone, but no one ever talks about how to get that to that point, how to actually meet that person. I'd like to think it happens naturally, but it hasn't. And I'd like to think there are things you can do, that you can "put yourself out there". It's a dreadful phrase, but I thought I was doing it.
I guess what irks me is that even when I tried to take control, things were immediately beyond my control. I met Will. That was great, but then it didn't work. I can't make anyone like me, nor should I have to.
So am I being impatient? Do I have to weather through more bad dates? Is having only partial control over the direction things are going in an implicit part of being with another person? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Comments (30)
Try the speed dating, it's fun and get a dog. When it's nice out and you find a dog park you can meet up with other singles and our dog can be the ice breaker
Keep on trucking! Weather more bad dates. Learn to have a good time even in the presence of mediocre company. Take up a hobby you enjoy and meet people that way (probably the best). Do volunteer work with a singles group. Take classes in something you're interested in casually. May as well give speed dating a shot, it's on the docket for me anyway. Don't get discouraged! You can find them if you don't meet them. Think of all the bad dates as the buildup to the good ones :). Good luck!
Meh, there's bound to be crazy fish who think they can fly. Just keep swimming until you find one that's content to stick with swimming along nicely and speeding along the currents every once in a while. Some fish are grey, some are brightly coloured... (is it just me, or is this metaphor going way...way too far?) the ones you met with seem to be stupid-coloured. I swear there's a rainbow fish out there for you, you just have to have patience!
If not, we're both fucked and I'm gonna start chucking scales at the nearest stupid-coloured fishes.
Maybe you should just take a breather, give yourself some you-time.
There will still be plenty of fish in the sea when you're ready to dive back in.
I was where you are now when I had done online dating for a while a few years ago. It's exhausting, isn't it? I say, keep doing it so long as it's fun and provides good blogging fodder. But as soon as you're not having fun anymore, then stop. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. When I look back on the guys I've dated, the best relationships came out of when I wasn't even looking. So take care of YOU first-- Find activities, volunteer, get involved in something that you're interested in. And then maybe, if luck should have it, you'll find someone awesome where you least expect it!
I'm having the same problem with finding the right guy but there has to be someone out there for you. So keep on trying!
NORMAL dating is exhausting! I'm in my third year of university, but its the first year i've been single since grade 10. and i'm discovering that while meeting people is easy enough, finding someone that you're attracted to who is also attracted to you is really difficult. frustrating even. and dealing with the "he's just not that into you" thing is hard. "That was great, but then it didn't work. I can't make anyone like me, nor should I have to." is exactly where my thinking is at the moment. i met this nice fellow, but things just didn't work. who knows why. ah well.
I'm having the same problem. Guys just don't like me! And all the good ones are too young, too old, or are already taken! But I have been doing on-line singles sites. A guy has been e-mailing me, but I don't think he likes women who aren't skinny minny's and I am NOT a skinny minny! I can relate with you, Why can't a guy like me for...me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
getting a dog isn't a game!! hahaha it's a lot of work; that's probably one of the reason why I haven't gotten a dog yet. Instead I urge you to go on a speed dating night, nothing serious, but just to have some fun. If you have some single friends, just try it out for the sake of fun, if you think too much then the actual event can become stressful
If I got a message from a guy "I just want you to kiss the back of my neck" I'd be wondering what the hell that meant. It's not about not appreciating the beauty of that text but just trying to guess what the hell you want as a reply. Texts (like msn) can be confusing, it might not come across as funny or witty, but just weird. Although Wil isn't really into you it seems (since he's thinking of changing plans and that's never a good sign).
I agree; don't go for the guy with the kid. It's just easy contemplating a meet with someone like that with the intent of something romantic. What if you guys hit it off, what then? Can you accept the terms of dating a man with a child? I don't think so...
As for what you should do.. DATE to have fun. Why do most women date to find themselves settled in a relationship and with a boyfriend? What's wrong with just dating for the sake of dating? I'm at that stage; dating. Not with any intent of FINDING anyone in particular (it's times like this when I'm not looking is when I actually do) so try it out. But stay PICKY....there's no hope for anything if you just date whoever comes along... then you'll just be hitting yourself in the head later for stupidity.
GOOD LUCK!! :)
I think u r being too desperate. Every girl has been in that state.
but really,
once you quit men, you get men. stop thinking about dates, men will be flocking outside ur door.
Online dating is just too complicated. There is no way to screen the guys. You just have to take a chance once you meet them. You'll not really going to know someone until you really meet them in person. The thing about online dating is we imagine them inperfection but in reality they are not. YOu need just go with the flow.
Try speed dating. You may just meet someone there. Go out with your girlfriends. You may find a cute waiter there who's also attracted to you. Try 'online dating' again. You may just find that one after many uninterested conversations with other men. Make the best out of the worst dates you have. It's all about attitude and how you make and turn the date around.
Just go with the flow. Eventually you'll run into someone. :)
Dont stop now. if this only happen to you once dont stop keep searching because every guy isnt the same and i think you will find someone that your intrested in soon. it may not be now but it will happen one day. just be patient and it will come to you. If you stop you just might pass by something good. well goodluck with your search hun =]
I am reminded vaguely of sex and the city when Miranda goes on strike because she can't do anymore bad dates lol.
I'd say go with the guy with the kid. If you like talking to him at the very least you'll come out with a new friend.
It'll happen. There's a time for everything - be patient.
i suggest being patient yet sparklingly friendly, living your life, enjoying every minute, and finding yourself pleasantly surprised when an admirer steps forward one day and that is that! :)
Patience,Â
it will come along when you are least expecting it. :)ÂSpeed dating is apparently fun, doesn't matter if it is your cup of tea, it's just a thing you do out of curiosity and maybe you will find your man!Â
to be honest i did one of those online dating things, and it actually worked out well.. sort of.
we met online, met in person, liked each other, talked regularly for months and frequented each other's homes and dorms.. but then he felt he wasnt ready for a relationship so i just backed off
but now after 2 months of not talking to him he wants to date me ... which happened to be the day after i got a boyfriend who i didn't meet online.. maybe our timing was bad
i did online dating because of curiosity, i was lucky that the guys was normal enough. 80% wants to get laid and 20% just wants someone to talk to.
ways of screening would be to chat to the guy long enough before seeing them. and hopefully webcam it, so at least you can see that he is being sincere in meeting. and hes not lying about things. :)
i think you could take a break from it if you seem to be hating it so much right now and come back to it when you fell refreshed again, and when the new-ness of online dating comes back.
i got extremely bored with online dating sites for a while so stopped going on and when i did get back on it i had a list of guys waiting for replies.
with a list you can go on and take a look and have a large variety to choose from.
above is my experience! :)
I met my current boyfriend online, a free dating site.. and yeah, you gotta sift through all the crazies...but that was generally pretty easy for me... idk... send a few emails through the site back and forth (so they don't have your real email)... and you usually get interested or not... the I moved it to IMing... more back and forth.. you can check how fast their wit is, if they can really spell on a moments notice (spelling is important to me. LOL.)... you get more feeling for their personality that way. Then we moved to a phone conversation, because I can't go meet someone I haven't heard... I need a voice.
Then we met.. and the rest, as they say, is history... 4 months now.. but its pretty great.
I don't know how you screened, or how fast you went to meet the dates.. but maybe you should just spend more time with getting to know them first... someone with little personality will not be able to cover that in a chat online.
Good luck to you!!! oh, and if you are interested, the dating site I used: www.plentyoffish.com
which is totally funny because of the comment at the beginning there about all the fish references. LOL.
I think that taking a break would be a good idea. It'll give you a chance to look over how you're going about things, maybe come up with a better idea. Maybe if you'd look at the entire dating experience as something fun to do rather than a journey to find a life partner, it'd be better for you. Don't take things so seriously, in other words.
What I'd do if I were you would be lay low. Talk to guys, have fun just conversing. Go on a few dates if you want to, hang out with friends or other guys, just do something that's fun for you; and kind of stay in the dating scene mildly at the same time. But focus on having fun rather than taking it so seriously. You're still young, you've got plenty of time.
Maybe, in the end, online dating isn't right for you? Who knows.
Lol...I feel your pain. I don't know what to say but that there are a lot of people out there with the same situation. I have started to distract myself with other things (friends' relationship issues, being a better sister, studying for a professional exam, foucsing more on work) to help not put so much thought on finding the right person. By not thinking so much you don't hold too much expectation when the dates go sour. People keep telling me it will happen when it does and that must be the most annoying thing I have heard.
The best advise I have gotten is to go on as many dates as you can. This way you figure out what you want and what you don't want. By finding out what you want you will be more confident and can start weeding people out faster and at some point you would not feel like its a chore.
It doesn't sound like you went out with that many guys... I think the people who have had the most success online are the ones who've met up with the most guys. I would give it a little more time before you give up.
Then again, I've tried online dating and I wasn't impressed. I didn't meet anyone I really liked. But I'm giving it a second go on a different site and seeing how that goes.
.....As you stated that speed dating isn't your scene so don't do it. Unless you're the type that is ok with something even though you may be uncomfortable with it. Me, I won't do it if I'm not comfortable doing it. I think I'd stick with online or just through friends of friends. But if you've exhausted your friends of friends, go on to friends of friends of friends! gogogo!
NEVER EVER at a club/lounge/bar or any variation of those places. Why? I don't know where they've been and neither would I want to be able to pick them up, cause if I was ble to do it who says others haven't done the same to them?
I don't know how people get "there" neither, I wish I did. it seems like the harder I try the more hopeless things are becoming.
I just started trying online dating for about a month now for the sake of putting myself out there too...I don't know if it is really for me. (although I had heard so many success stories from other people) I am having a hard time and the thing is (I don't know if you feel this too? but) the more I try not to find someone (since I kind of do believe perhaps love will find me if I am not always looking for love) the more I feel like I should because I feel guilty for being idle and then I would try to be active and nothing happened, so things start looking rather hopeless. pathetic, huh?