My best friend at college just recently confessed to me that she doesn't think she'll ever find anyone to date. It's the spring of our senior year and she has yet to have a serious relationship here. She is very intelligent, social, and overall a great person. Unfortunately, our small liberal arts school is known to be comprised primarily of rich trust-fund kids wearing pastel pants and skimpy sundresses - not the most promising crowd of potential suitors to pick from. I know that some day she will find an amazing person who is stable and mature enough to make her happy, but the problem is I don't know how to convince her of that.
I know that saying things like "You'll find the right person at the right time" and "There's someone out there fust waiting for you" are absolutely unhelpful. I know this because up until a month ago I was in her position, too, and when people told me those things I wanted to punch them in the face, regardless of their good intentions. It's one of those things where, even if you know they are probably right, it really doesn't make you feel any better at the moment. I can't help but feel bad that our other best friend and I recently found great SOs, while she is still alone. I’ve been aware that she is probably feeling very alone these days and have tried really hard to make sure we still spend a lot of time together. I know that she is happy for me and wouldn't want me to feel bad on her account, but at the same time I just wish there was something that I could do for her. When she brought this up I really couldn’t think of anything worthwhile or helpful to say.
Is there anything I can say or do to make her feel better?
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sumtymez werdz ar innapropriat & itz best just to be a gud lissiner & ifitz ok a gud hugger too
Captain Obvious says that college is not the ONLY place she can find people. I think she should concentrate on her studies.
@mayanao@xanga - Oh come on..it's college - you do more than concentrate on studies. hahahaha
First off, senior year ~ tell her hit the bars/clubs/ social events! Or rather, since she's such an intelligent individual..
Go to museums :) The park and gym is another place I recommend..haha.
It's not hard to find somebody...but you gotta let your walls down and try to find people , too..
btw. tell her " you got me " =) haha
Give her a cookie and back the fuck off.
.....I'm not good with girl-girl relationships. LOL.
*clings to her unemotional man friends*
It's really hard to bring someone's attitude/mood up when they're feeling so low. She has to change her viewpoint to see that she doesn't have to drown in sorrow. There are many other places to meet people other than school. Go hang out with her at these locations. Try not to bring your bf's along. If your bf or your friend's bf knows good single men, bring them along for double/triple dates or just a regular hang out. Let her know that you love her very much and that she's an awesome gal to hang out with. Get her out of the self pity mood.
I find that taking a friend out and just hanging out with them on a consistent basis can help alleviate some of the loneliness. Good distractions can get her mind off of things, at least for a little while.
@GaMeGurLsH@xanga - So agreed!
I'll give this one a shot. When people ask me what I think the meaning of life is, I always respond the same way:
To love.
To be loved.
To love and be loved.
Three parts to the whole. To love, is to give love freely. Sometimes this is loving someone who doesn't love themselves. Sometimes it is someone who feels unloved. Sometimes it is a parent for a child, or a mentor to a student, or a volunteer to the needy.
To be loved, is the opposite. The love of a parent for you. The love of a friend when you need it. The love of a sibling. An aunt, a mentor, a stranger across the internet.
To love and be loved is to have a fulfilling relationship with a significant other. I think this is self explanatory enough.
Only one of those three can be chosen. To love. The other two, come with time, some effort, and let's face it, a bit of luck. I would suggest that she seek out giving love, and she may find some fulfillment, and even cure some loneliness. Volunteer at a children's hospital. Become a big brother/big sister. Donate time to a local school. You can't force find a relationship (although she should get out and look). But in the meantime, you CAN find fulfillment and love in other ways. Good luck to her.
I'm generally in the same situation as your friend- didn't find anyone in college, and the prospects in the real world haven't been that great either. I just want to hit people who tell me "I know you're going to find someone great." It gets old, it's cliche, and it feels like people are saying it because they have to, not because they mean it (even if they do). I think the best thing you can do as a friend in this situation is just spend time with her- without talking excessively about your relationship and without bring your boyfriend along. It sucks to feel like you're left out or end up having nothing to do because all your friends are hanging out with their SOs. Pick a night or two a month to have girls night. Call or send a funny card for no reason. It's far more likely that she's lonely because she feels left more so than because she isn't in a relationship.
@immaairheadxl@xanga - I agree.
All you can really do is be a friend to her. I mean, sometimes people do try to match people up for blind dates, and I've had friends who are now married to their blind dates. Maybe ask her if she wants to be set up with someone? :)
@Roadlesstaken@xanga - agreed. Maybe she can do something else, after school club/work part time?
just go down on her...
If she reads this article, she would understand completely.
She suffers from low self-esteem. Not uncommon.
Tell her to learn to love herself. It's the best advice you can ever give her.
Just tell her to be patient her time will come and when she does then whats the complant going to be about. how her boyfriend this and how her boyfriend and how she cant stand him sometimes. so with that said tell her she better be greatful that she is single because she is young and she can still have fun without someone breathing down her back about where she is going? who she is going with? why she going out? how far she is going? blah blah blah...so tell her girl cuz once she finds the right one she is going to wish she enjoyed this time. so why she is crying and whining about it she should enjoy every minute of it.
Find a job or take more classes to fill up any idle time. I'm in the same situation as her. Now I barely have time to sleep, let alone think about my well-being. And its best not to talk about the being alone part, just talk about things to do to pass the time.
Speed Dating, Volunteer, etc.. Do stuff with her so she can be more visible to the public eye. Like that saying, "Put yourself out there!"
She has to let people know she is available, otherwise people will just look past her.
Telling her all the cliches in the world isn't going to make her feel better but rather like a cliche herself. Just give her the facts; the school is a tiny place with most of the people she probably has evaluated a few times already in her head about whether or not they're datable.
tell her to focus on improving HERSELF. As for the "timing" wait til she's in a bigger pool of people... that'll help. :) "JUST WAIT IT OUT!" might be best
@wobble@xanga - I fully agree with you.
Ihave heard it said that happiness eludes you when you search for it singlemindedly. Maybe she needs to stop focusing on her need to find a SO and focus on loving herself. How can you stand by someone if you cannot stand with/by yourself? I was telling one of my friends that before you give yourself away, you have to know what you are giving. She could really use her single time to get to know her better and becomes friends with herself so that she will know what she will someday give to that one lucky guy. I think that if she focuses on other things other than finding a SO, it will become more bearable. The more she waits, the more she will value him when she find her SO or when he finds her.
There are things that she likes to do. Maybe
she can focus on ivesting herself in those and in things that bring meaning to her life and that make her feel better. Volunteering or other things that make her feel like a better human being can help alleviate her loneliness. Meaningful distractions.
I think the suggestions to "find something to do" are great. Up until it was time for me to leave for Japan, I had just gotten over this jerk--I mean this guy who broke my heart, and I was feeling somewhat depressed. The best thing I could do was to do other things with my time instead of moping around, and that's exactly what I would suggest to anyone who feels lonely or finds themselves worrying about being alone. Fretting about it isn't going to make a potential SO come around any faster. So instead we should work on becoming better people--not to get dates but for ourselves. I'm not worried about not finding someone in college, because real life begins after graduation. Surely your lonely friend will find someone when the time comes. In the meantime, she should go do some volunteering or something.
@MusingsOfAnAlmostSocio@xanga - I really like your comment here. Sharing it on my blog. Let me know if you prefer not, and I'll take it down. :)
@mayanao@xanga - @wobble@xanga - my two favorite comments here. i agree 100%.
to the op, i'd also recommend you tell your friend that she's not gonna get any ass if she's constantly moping around. i know for sure i'd never get with some girl who couldn't be happy with herself.
I think there is only so much as her friend that you can do for her. Ultimately it's her attitude and outlook on the situation that needs to be worked on, but she has to do it herself and no amount of comforting words will cheer her up.
She probably feeling this way because Valentine's Day is near. It makes you feel lonely when your single on Valentine's Day. There isnt really much for you to say because no matter what you say, she will have heard it before. I think all you can do is spent time with her and try to not leave her out. Try to do more girls not out.