Miss Penguin My ex-boyfriend, The Army Guy, recently asked me to get back together with him. As was fitting based on how our relationship was, this happened after we had a huge fight. As always, it's also really complicated because he's leaving for six months of army training in a few weeks. So I said no. But this is not the only reason I said no.
I am generally very opposed to people getting back together after they've broken up. Most of the time, when people get back together, they don't address the problems in their relationship that caused them to break up in the first place. They kind of just pretend those problems didn't exist and then end up having the same problems all over again.
Sometimes I suppose it can work. Time passes and people change, so maybe there can be successful reunions. But most of the time people just aren't willing to put the work in to resolving the issues from their previous relationship.
I told my ex that we could talk about it when he got back (if I'm still single, of course) for this very reason - we have a lot of work to do. A lot would need to change from the way our first relationship went, and that is going to require time and hard work. It won't happen if we get back together right before he leaves. We'd need more than a few weeks together to be back on solid enough ground that I can withstand six months waiting for him. And even though I'm willing to talk about it and maybe try when he gets back, I have to say I'm skeptical. But I do care about him a lot still and if we could work hard enough to change the things that went wrong before, I think we could have a really great relationship. So I think it's worth a shot. But we'll see what happens. A lot could change in six months.
Have you ever had a successful "take two" with your ex? What kinds of ground rules would you need to set for the relationship to work?
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Comments (51)
As messed up as it sounds, i told him every single thing that went wrong, with our first time, and the possible things with our second time. He saw them, and even felt bad to the point where he used to cry about it, we got back together, but he really didnt change.., so it was the guy i guess.
dont do it no no no
i don't do ex's. there's a reason they're all EX-boyfriends.
sorry but you can only change yerself you cant change him round two will just be morra the sayme only werse
I've had great success getting back with one of my ex's. Our problem was basically out of control jealousy, and we had a long talk about how we could work through it, because we still really wanted each other. We made promises, things that we would do differently so that we could be together and be happy, and it worked out well in the end.
yes..then i moved :(
I gave my ex a "take two" and now, we're happily married. I dated my husband when he was in the military and now, still is.. Our relationship was a LDR for three years. I couldn't tell you how many times we've broken up because of our lack of communicating for one another. Sure, we talked every day but that didn't necessarily mean we "communicated" the way we should when a problem arise in our relationship. It's mostly "my" way or "his" way. Getting back together, true, we "pretended" that nothing happened until the problems started to occur (and other bigger issues in our situations). We learn that if we both really wanted the relationship to work, we have to fix our problems before we can go any furthur with it. Thank goodness because our first year as a married couple and living together was crazy!
i'm married to an ex. haha.
but the reason i broke up with him to begin with wasn't because he was a douche or anything.. it was because i was too young to be in such a serious relationship. but it turned out to be difficult getting back together anyway- a lot had happened in the two years we were apart and we had to sort all of that out. it wasn't always pretty but it was definately worth it.
that being said, i'm usually of the opinion that exes reuniting is a bad move. i guess you just have to evaluate the reasons you broke up- if it's because your relationship was simply not working, getting back together won't be benificial and it's best to move on.
good luck- these choices can be kinda tough from inside the situation.
:)
communication.
seriously. communication and dedication and a willingness to BOTH work together as EQUALS to make to function- no matter what.
I think it probably really depends on why you split in the first place. If he cheated, or something like that- I really wouldn't even consider it. But in my case we both just needed to mature and communicate and operate better as a couple. We work at that together now- even through the rough patches.
Having long long open drawn out conversations about all of the stuff that contributed to the first split before making the reconnect is not a bad idea either- making sure each one of you understands what went wrong and your partner's perspective, etc. It really comes down to both of you working as a team to get through it all though.
tried it once with someone. it didn't work. made things worse. wouldn't recommend. ;)
I wouldn't recommend it either, based on my experiences. I'm sure there are exceptions, but usually there is a good reason why your ex is your ex. Just try to remember those reasons before attempting to get back with someone.
If you aren't looking for anything serious, why can't you guys date? And if he's only suggesting that you guys get back together so he can have that steady emotional support while he's out of the country for half a year and he'll be guaranteed a "regular lay" (pardon me for the crude term) then NO. I'd say, you guys should date and see if you suffer the same problems you've suffered when you were in a RELATIONSHIP.
Of course... this wouldn't work if you want a boyfriend right now. If you weren't and are in the stage in your life where you're looking to focus on yourself, it's possible. :) It's easier when you try not to think too much into it.
There's no such thing as a second chance. Once it's over it's over. You people should realize that.
A successful "take two?"..
1. List everything you hate or can not stand about each other. I don't care if you need to write it in a letter, via email, whatever.. as long as you tell the other person ALL your frustrations that led to ending the relationship in the first place.
2. Describe to your partner what changes need to made for the relationship to work again.
3. Either appease your partner by making the necessary changes or compromise.
4. Repeat steps 1-3 every few weeks so that there's always open communication and small problems don't become big ones b/c of lack there of.
Relationships are NOT easy. Don't believe the people who say they are.
If you love him and vice versa, then work on it. Most things in life are not free..nor is it easy to attain.
I got back together with my ex recently and so far so good. I broke up with him because he doesn't work full-time and he still lives with his Mom. I realized after doing so that those things weren't as important to me as being with him, and after two weeks we got back together. I'm not going to say that it's absolutely going to work, but it's on the right track.
In your case, I think it depends on whether you've broken up before (if you already got back together once then the chances of it working this time are mush lower) and whether you feel anything will change. I think you're right that it's not a great idea to get back together right before he leaves for 6 months, but your willingness to try again when he gets back shows you would still like to try. Go with your heart.
@jeezshoua@xanga - great advice and definitely some I will follow!
never personally know about a "take two" working out...and i've never tried it. all i know is one or both in the relationship need to grow up/change before it can work again. they gotta learn to willing to take all the crap with the good, and to work on it as a couple.
I'm against getting back with an ex.
I rarely come across anyone that has had a successful "take two" with their ex.
I agree though, people do tend to pretend that past problems didn't exist and hope everything will go smoothly.
With my personal experience, "take twos" didn't work. I forced myself to talk about the problems I had with my ex. I told him I wanted change. He agreed and promised me he would try to change his old ways, but it didn't work out. My heart just wasn't into it anymore, and nor did he change, at all. I guess it just shows that you can't change a person. :x
My parents broke up for about six months after dating for a few years, then got back together and have been happily married for over 30 years. So it can work out...it just depends on the reasons you broke up in the first place and the amount of maturity and committment evinced by both parties.
In most situations, however, it would probaly end terribly. So it really depends on the situation I guess.
Okay... I don't mean to constantly disagree with everyone, but just as luck may have it.... I disagree...
I dated a guy when I was WAY WAY WAY young, like 13-15. Long story short, we broke up. One of the things he asked me was "do you believe in second chances" (this was before we broke up)... I said no, absolutly not... NEVER.
We celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary Sunday, and are happy in love. We have no kids yet... things are great...
I mean the whole thing is, it is if you want it to work or not. If you want it to, it will... If you don't think it will, it won't.
Simple as that
Take 2 for me didn't work. sad times. I don't see a take 3 or 4 in the future either. There is the saying that some people go through several 'breakups' with the same partner...
I did that once. It went fine. Of course, we didn't stay together, but, it wasn't a horrible ending. =)
Still together. There was a lot of talking, and six months of thinking helped too.
me and my ex broke up a year ago and we didnt speak again,but it toke me a year to get ova him,but now we speaking again ,dont now way,is it that im going back to my home country or is it that he still likes me?help