We've been getting a ton of posts lately about SOs cheating via phone, BlackBerry, email, etc. So I'm wondering a few things this morning:
- As a significant other, do you feel you have the right to check up on your BF/GF every once in a while to make sure he/she isn't cheating?
- If so, how often/do you check it with your SO next to you/do you ever snoop?
- Do girls cheat this way? Most of our postings have been about guys cheating and I want to make sure our representation is equal!
- Do you consider having your SO check up on your activity an unsubstantiated invasion of privacy or a way to show your trust in each other?
Just curious. Happy Tuesday.
Recommend
Comments (91)
No, everyone has a right to privacy. I would never go through someone's messages unasked. If I did suspect cheating, I might ask to see his messages, but not behind his back.
I used to not like it when my husband looked in my stuff. but really, i have nothing to hide and i don't care. it was the fact that he felt the need to sneak around to do it. i said to do it if he wanted to but don't try to hide it, cause if you hide then you know you're doing something wrong. we have each other's passwords for everything. i just don't care if he does look or not. and yes i do look at his stuff sometimes.
I defininately used to check up on my SO, only after I checked his myspace (something we did for eachother all the time.) he was having a crisis and wanted me to message his dad, but when he had a message from another girl, on and on about how much he liked her and how sexy she was, and this was a girl he had 'dated' priviously. so after that i started checking his phone, and asked him to delete his myspace and i would do the same, since it just seemed to cause problems. he did, but the trust was gone and it was never the same.
I think you have a right IF they have already given you reason not to trust them.
I go back and forth with this to be honest...
I was in a relationship for 3 years beginning when I was 18. I was so young and naive and I trusted my (then 23 yo) boyfriend with the world. I never had thoughts of distrust or possible infidelity. Turns out he was doing all types of shit like having an account on adult friend finder, MASSIVE amounts of porn with some *ahem* questionable content, and was sleeping with another girl for the month duration of my trip to Korea. Real winner by all means. Needless to say, because of him I had serious issues with trust.
I say HAD because 2 years later, I was fortunate enough to meet an amazing guy who made me want to renew my faith in the *few* good men that are still out there. As amazing as my man may be, every girl having been d**ked over at one point or another has issues with trust and fidelity from time to time.
I have to admit, I have checked over his text messages before but I told myself I won't do it again. Why? Because in a relationship there has to be trust. I know it's hard to fight the curiosity (it's either to uncover whether he's a shady bastard or the need for the affirmation that he's as amazing as you think he is) but either way there has to be trust. Trust meaning you don't do ANY snooping whatsoever unless things fall in to your lap. If he is cheating, it'll be uncovered anyway.
I'd say the only time it'd be OKAY is when there are BLATANT signs that he's probably cheating. AND THE OINLY MEANS for such action would be so that you can have confidence to BREAK UP WITH HIM. I get so sick of the "I have mountains of evidence, complete with emails and telephone records, but he said it's a fake so I believe him." Honestly ladies (and men), if you're dumb enough to stay with him after crap like THAT then you deserve to be with him. That having been said for the most part it's not okay. Besides if YOU get caught, it just makes you look crazy.
I don't care if he reads my email and facebook and everything like that. I don't have anything to hide.
It is an invasion of privacy. BUT, if my gf asks, I would let her see it. She wouldn't go through it without my knowledge. I never go through her stuff because it's about the level of trust you have with each other.
And, IF you feel that there might be something going on, bring it up in person at random. That's the best way so if they did do something, you can tell in their speech if they stutter or hesitate or whatever.
@emilyd_foster@xanga - I agree with you...
seriously???? if you are with a SO you have to check up constantly, there's one of two things wrong:
1) you're insecure; or
2) there's no trust in the relationship. why be in it???
NO!!!! That is a line not to cross, ESP if you are not the one paying for the phone. Like many have said you have to have trust. If you feel like there is an issue then talk about it.
I definatly think that woman do as much electrinic cheating as men i just think as a society as a whole we have made it so very difficult for woman to feel free in any space , that we are constantly being judged and as always there is a double standard, i feel if we werent judged so harshly perhaps we wouldnt feel the need to sneak around due to feelings of shame that might otherwise be considered a victory for our male counterparts and in the case of privacy , i feel this is left up to the relationship that is in question . If you and your partner feel it okay to look then decide together or make the choice that you prefer your privacy but talk about it and if you cant reach an agreement then decide if the relationship in question is the right one for you.
I check EVERYTHING. And give me 6 months.....and Ill be checking his bank account, too!
And in fairness.....he can check mines, too
@winspark@xanga - wrong. There is another reason. How about.....being nosy? Being informed. Just plain Knowing what is going on.
Women cheat and are just as sneaky, even more, I think. We know how to cover our tracks.
I feel that it is an invasion of privacy. One time I accidently found gobs and gobs of porn (and history of him accessing it several times a day) on my ex's computer. I was so suspicious from then on that it totally poisoned our relationship. I was paranoid and monitoring him constantly. Just to clairfy, I was trying to play a windows media file on his computer. I went to file...and then was going to open and I saw the titles of the recently viewed.
In my current relationship I feel totally secure. He has me check text messages for him, he leaves his email open, he goes through my purse and things, we open each other's mail - we don't care. That's the way it should be in a relationship. I'm glad I have this.
trust meenz trust
if you trust you dont need to spy if yer spying yer not in trust get outta the relayshunship yer unwerthy of hiz/her trust
That's how I found out my ex cheated on me. I saw her facebook messages.
She had given me her password, but forgotten about it. I had never really had a reason to check up on her, but then I felt like she was hiding something. So I took it upon myself to check it out. Helped me in the end.
@oOBuBBLes711Oo@xanga - nice to know opinions are "wrong" - obviously, some ppl have simple trust issues. it's what should be the foundation of a relationship. if there is no basic trust, the relationship is not going to survive.
btw...i love ppl who spell their name liKe dIs - vErY mAtUrE
If I felt like I had a reason to be unsure, then I would ask to see their account with them. Not ask for passwords. Also, I would then issue an apology for being weird and bitchy.
But in the long run...I think it's kinda rude. One of my friends, her boyfriend checks her messages each time they see each other. But he doesn't let her see his...fishy.
I have no problem with bfs/gfs checking up on their SOs. I do it when I get suspicious, but I trust easily in the beginning. My first boyfriend really was a good guy, but I was devastated after I looked through his phone, and I later had access to his Facebook and email, and I found things that made me really upset. I think the fact that I "invaded" his privacy and whatnot doesn't change the fact that he was hiding everything he did with a female friend of his.
The second guy I dated was a total sleazebag, and I was getting so suspicious when he would literally cover my eyes when he got an IM from his "ex-girlfriend." Eventually it got to be too suspicious, and I went through his texts and Facebook whenever he was drunk, and I found things that confirmed my suspicions.
I don't think looking through an SO's things is inappropriate since they should not be doing things that they would need to hide from you (of course there are always extremely rare exceptions).
I was so honest with my first boyfriend that I wouldn't mind at all if he could read or hear every word I ever wrote or spoke. If he went through my things, all he would find is confirmation that I was true to him.
I'm not giving my Facebook account to any future boyfriends, though. There were just way too many messages between me and my first boyfriend, and I don't feel that what I talked about with my first boyfriend needs to be shown to future boyfriends.
I've never done this in the past, but I just recently got out of a relationship where he was texting his ex. all the time telling her how much he loved her...I wasn't amused when I found this out, so now I've got a few trust issues...
Either way, the guy that I'm dating now has been one of my best friends for five years so we've borrowed each others phones so it's not a big deal (although I've gotta admit I do go through those messages once in a while, but he's always sitting right there watching me and laughing).
trust is one of the ultimate factors in a relationship.
if he didn't trust me, or vice versa, then we would have never exchanged passwords. :O
what i don't get is how he can get mad for looking at things, like browsing just because you're bored.
what else is there reason for having your SOs password?
my last boyfriend never gave me his passwords. that made me angry.
and one day he went to the bathroom and he was still logged on facebook, and i found some messages i know i wasn't supposed to see.
what a douche.
i don't care if my bf sees my shit, but then thing is, i don't want him to see old pictures of me with old boyfriends, or their old messages/wall posts, so I took the initiative and deleted it all to spare him some feelings.
although one thing I cannot get rid of are my notes on facebook that are about my exes. (not in a good way).
and if he were to stumble upon something, the worse "fear" is having to explain everything to him, if he's curious.
BTW. . .what's wrong with porn? Haha. Guess you have to find someone with the same values as you. Glad to know I did in those regards at least. . .
Yeah, but being sneaky is sorta dumb because it could lead to unnecessary paranoia and misunderstandings. If your SO is being a freak, the skeleton in the closet will be found eventually. And what's the difference if you find it now, or later. You're already in the game. When I'm worrying I stop myself and say. . .Nicole. . .you can't control what he does. . .you can only control what you do. Just be what you want him to be, and hope that that's what you get in return.