Monday, 09 February 2009
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I've Slept With More People Than He Has And He's Upset
I met this wonderful guy online in January of 2008. I was getting ready to move to Europe and he was from the UK. We were just friends and took time to get to know each other to see if things would work out that way when I moved. If we met up and hit it off, we could continue our relationship. Well, I am 21 from America and, including him, have had 13 partners. He has had 10.
I never had one-night stands, pointless sex, or umfriends. I've had hopes for each of my partners and I had hoped they were the ones for me. I told my boyfriend now that if I could see into the future and know what would have happened with each relationship, I wouldn't have done it the way I did. He is verbally abusive. He says I'm a slut and says I must not have respected myself; he calls me horrible names, says he doesn't deserve this and that it makes him love me less. My problem is that he has known about my partners from the beginning of our relationship, yet he still chose to be with me and fall in love with me.
We've talked about marriage and kids, we lived together and he has the nerve to tell me he loves me less for this? I asked him if that was the case, then why did he choose to stay? I mean, it was only after a few weeks of talking and we hadn't even met in person, so why stick around? He said, "because I had developed strong feelings for you and I thought I could deal with it".
Although he seemed fine to me before, he says he's just suppressed his feelings to try and be happy with me because I am the first girl he has ever opened up to, the first girl he has ever truly loved, and the first girl who has made his heart skip beats. We both still get butterflies in our stomachs when we see each other. He is the first guy I have ever truly loved. It would hurt to just have him as a friend.
I am only 3 above him, so I don't get why he makes me feel so shameful. He said recently, "It is like spitting in your soulmate's face for you to be with anyone before him". I could easily tell him the same thing! He tells me if there is any way to get over this or help him deal with it, he would do that because he loves me too much to let me go.
He tells me "Don't just tell me to get over it or try harder to deal with it because I am trying to!" but I don't believe he is. I just need to know what to do; we have been together a year and I don't want to throw it all away for something he has pretended and lied to me about for the past year and led me to believe he was okay. Help.
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Comments (442)
If he's hung up on how many people you've been with, in my opinion, he's not worth it.
He should be about the two of you, and what you guys share together.
Not what you've shared with past hopefuls.
and you're with this guy because................?
Wow sweetheart that doesn't sound to good. He sounds very verbally abusive. Be careful...
He's a butt. Tell him he damn well better get over it - or leave him. If he's going to be a hypocrite and call you mean names because his ego is too big to accept the fact that you had a life before him, he's really not worth your time.
You have a lot of hope. LOL.
I mean, seriously, if something as trivial as that ticks him off, imagine something more substantial. Drop the bugger. He's had sex too, the difference in number is the problem?! He should have more?! My gosh! Get a new guy.
@spicycajun@xanga - That's what I was thinking. o.o
Sweetheart... chuck him. He's shit, and he's not worth it. Anything we say might sound harsh, but you're going to regret staying with him. Even if he changes, he can't take back what he said and how he made you feel. It's just not worth the memories.
This is why you never tell a guy how many partners you have had. Whatever number it is, it is too much. Doesn't matter if he had slept with 100+ women, your small 13 will seem enormous. The reason being is that when men know many guys the woman they are in love with has slept with, they can not help but picture all those guys pleasuring her. Men are visual creatures, so I completely understand why he's having a hard time dealing with it.
Also, guys especially hate it when girls start talking about their past relationships. They may pretend to be interested, but they hate hearing it..so refrain yourself.
My only advice for you is to just wait. He just needs time to process it..however long that may be. If he asks any questions, lie to him. Never give him details of your past lovers or your experiences with them. This will drive him insane and he'll start treating you as if you have cheated on him when you have done no such thing.
I DONT think this is a good enough reason to leave him. You both love each other. Work on it..but if he calls you a slut another time, let him know exactly how you feel. He has no right to say such things.
wow- when the numbers for partners on both sides are that big, three is not a big difference. i think he's hung up on your purity, while ignoring the lack of his own.
if it's that, there's an obvious lack of respect for you.
he's also being verbally abusing you, attacking you for something you can't change, and shouldn't, because it's in the past.
i agree with the other commenters, kick him to the curb.
ehhhh... that's completely unfair, and not his place to be judging you. If you really love him so much you need to make it clear that you've done nothing wrong to him and that he just needs to get over it. But honestly, i don't know why you'd love that - he sounds like a pretty terrible guy to have to tolerate being around to me.
besides, 13 vs. 10?? sounds like a lot from both sides.
He's hung up on the past too much. Why should that affect your future?
He called you a slut? Kick him to the curb before he does worse.
He's not worth it.
Your bigger problem is that he's verbally abusive towards you about this matter, and potentially about other things.
I know some people who have told their partners how many people they've slept with (some of them WAY more than 13) and their partners were fine with it. And if they weren't fine with it, they would discuss it in an adult manner.
He has absolutely NO RIGHT to make you feel like any less of a person for sleeping with more people than he did. He just has issues about pride, masculinity, and, well, any person who is verbally abusive has issues PERIOD.
So RUN, don't WALK, away from this relationship. The reason why he is acting so crazily about you sleeping with 13 people is because he is ABUSIVE. The reason why he seemed ok with it but isn't know is because he's ABUSIVE. And yes I know he's nice "most of the time", but people who are truly nice NEVER say the things he said to you.
I honestly don't think he's worth it. :/
And if my SO called me a slut [in a serious manner], he's out!
Talk about a double-standard. Something tells me if you'd slept with even one guy, he'd have thrown a fit. This seems like it's about control, here. He wants you for himself and can't stand that you've shared a part of yourself with other people. Now he's throwing a fit.
I dunno...imho, it's never okay to degrade your SO like that (calling you a slut and such,) and if something from the past is bothering him, he either needs to work it out himself or you two need to be done so you can find someone who won't be bothered by the past and can love you for who you are now.
I hope things work out, but if not, it's his issues, not yours. Just remember that...
-Katie
damn...A couple of whores. 10/13 partners by the age of 21? thats fucked up. Say you start having sex when you are 16. Thats fucking a stranger every 5 months. Cause honestly. How can you really get to know someone in less time!? You say every relationship has meant something to you? How can a relationship you start and stop in less then 5 months be worth anything? Sounds like you are a clingy whore to me.
Maybe you should lose the idiot boyfriend of yours... Quit whoring... And concentrate on improving yourself before trying to improve someone else?
I think everyone is missing the point. Do the math..Read what she typed. This biotch is whack.
Crap!!!..I got crabs from just posting a comment!
He sounds like an asshole, and I'm still trying to figure out why you're even wasting your time with him.
How many partners you have before a certain relationship doesn't matter, trust me, my relationship is very, very one-sided (he's the only man I've been with), but that doesn't mean I sit around judging him for his choices before he met me. The point is that now that we're together we are both monogomous, and that's all that matters to me. If your SO can't deal with it and get over it, I say dump his ass, he doesn't deserve you, and you definitely don't deserve to be treated that way.
@jfmichael@xanga - you're one of those verbally abusive controlling types too, right?
okay 13 over 10? Once you go over like four your body is pretty much tainted. What probably happened is he got to the point of loving/liking you so much that the number of guys that you've been with started to bother him and he started to think about it too much. Also, he seems to be the verbally abusive/jealous type. Is he a scorpio? It's likely lol. So since I am that type of person that whole heartedly believes in love, this is what I think you should do. Have a talk with him one day and say "Hunny, I have had sex with 12 other guys in my past, but right now I am with you and I love you more than anything and would like nothing more than to spend every moment of the rest of my life in your arms. If you can't except this then walk away now and never speak to me again. But if you can, then accept my past and love me anyways just as I do for you and you man-whoring ass." Or something to that effect. If thats how you feel.
@spicycajun@xanga - nope..Just like pointing out the obvious. You feeloffended by my words? You a whore as well?
@jfmichael@xanga - I'm not a whore, and neither is she. I've been married to the same man for 8 years and I probably get more dick in one day than you get pussy in a lifetime. Is that why you are so bitter?
@spicycajun@xanga - Shhhh.. I cant answer that. A lifetime hasnt gone by for me and I cant predict the future. But once a lifetime was over.. How could I answer the question anyhow? Gah..I've gone cross-eyed.
If you do the math... If you fuck 13 dudes by the time you are 21..You are a fucking whore. Period. No ifs ands or buts about it. If she only fucked one dude a year..She would of had to of started having sex when she was 8 !!! If she started having sex when she was 20 then she fucked a different dude every month for a year. 2 in one of the months. Seriously.. Any way you do the math...She is a whore.
Dont get me wrong so is the guy. But he is not here posting blogs. He is at home doing the math himself and realizing how tainted his girl and himself are...heh.
Soooooooo selfish of him!
Honestly, I think he just feels emasculated. He probably wishes that he would have been able to top you in regards to the amount of partners he's had.
Also, his logic makes no sense. He says that it's like spitting in his face to do something with other people before him, but he's been with TEN PEOPLE!!!! What a hypocrite! Gahhhh!
Dump him. Leave him now. Get out of there. You won't be happy if you spend the rest of your life with him. You are NOT soulmates.
Um, he's not worth it...
If he's had 10, and you 13, what is the difference? He's making pointless accusations... I mean you could say the SAME thing back at him, because he has slept with 10 people.